11 Canned Meats, Ranked, Because Surely the Apocalypse Is Nigh

Let ’s face it : 2016 is a scarey time to be active . Between far-flung political and social unrest , melting ice caps , and Justin Bieber ’s novel facial tattoo , the estimation of an impending Revelation of Saint John the Divine grows realer and realer with each passing daytime . It ’s enough to send a person running for the hills – or , at the very least , develop ground on an underground bunker and stocking up on battery , board games , and case and cases of reliable , long - hold up terminate centre .

So if you ’re considering prepping for our imminent doomsday – and if TLC ’s current computer programing is any indication , you fucking better be – you ’ll in spades need to be intimate which fire meats ( the stain is irrelevant to what ’s inside the can ) are the least repellent . Spam , Vienna sausages , boil ham , corned beef , something call " Potted Meat " – I tried it all so you do n’t have to ( and also because I was curious to see just how much atomic number 11 I could take before vomiting and/or death of nitty-gritty loser ) .

The rules

As with any prescribed very serious scientific experimentation , there must be rules .

Now , let ’s get quick to RUMBLE .

11. Corned beef

Appearance : Revolting . A muddled pinkish brown marbled with bed of gray blubber and oil . scent : fresh spit - up cat food for thought with a feeling of frowsty rotTaste : Pronounced fossil oil and fat note with very little actual meat sense of taste . It ’s not 100 % jest - inducing but this for sure does n’t taste like actual food . Texture : Overwhelming , savour bud - melting slop , emphasise by significant amounts of moxie and gook . Throw me to the zombies – anything is near than this . Bunker - worthy?I ca n’t even imagine thinking about this stuff again , rent alone eating it for the residue of timeless existence . Also , getting the can open up was a nightmare .

10. Luncheon meat

appearing : It ’s not so nasty - calculate . It fundamentally holds its shape despite being the color of putrid , sick flesh . But the sucking sound it made when I pried it from the tin was like nothing I ’ve ever hear . Or want to hear again . fragrance : A somewhat pernicious mixture of cat puke peppered with burst of acrid window cleanerTaste : I honestly feel like an nuclear dud ’s worth of salt just went off inside my back talk , embedding itself within my DNA , ensuring that all my succeeding descendants feel the effects of 2016 ’s luncheon meatpocalypse . Texture : It calculate solid at first , but as shortly as my fork came within an inch of the thing it crumble into a batch of cold , gritty treacle . And stayed that way . Bunker - worthy?Hard no .

9. Roast beef hash

Appearance : It await like a large can of dog food , which is frankly a nice break from the cat intellectual nourishment aesthetic that seems to dominate . Aroma : It smells just like it appear – like hound solid food . tasting : It ’s not wholly awful but I do blame up on a unsettling bats tinge , like really quondam tahini or used peanut fossil oil . Texture : It feels exactly how it look . This is one book that can safely be judged by its cover . Bunker - worthy?Unless you could electrocute the jack out of it , no .

8. Potted meat

coming into court : Remember that photo of the pink slime on its agency to becoming a McNugget that showed up on everyone ’s Facebook provender a few years ago?Aroma : It ’s so far beyond social rank that a stray Caterpillar would probably turn up its little scabbed nose at it . Maybe a blackleg would indulge . Maybe . Taste : open on a cracker , it ’s surprisingly eatable ! It ’s really salty , of course , but it reminds me of pimento loaf of bread , which I like , albeit pimento loaf of bread pureed with a bunch of salt and oil . Texture : It ’s just so wretched . But if you cogitate of it as a dip and not as a substance product , it ’s not the worst thing ever . Bunker - worthy?I would n’t buy in it , but I do apprise how not - horrendous it taste . Good effort .

7. Chicken spread

Appearance : Straw yellow with a visually creamy texture , it ’s not terribly unappealing as far as canned wimp bedcover go . scent : Pleasantly tangy , like chafe eggs made with some unidentifiable zesty spicery . Interesting . Taste : I was expect so much more from you , chicken spread . Why do you taste like chicken noodle soup pore that someone ingested and then threw up babe bird - flair back into a jar of expired goober butter ? Ick . Texture : It ’s mushy , but I knew that was coming and its velvety suavity jolly spend a penny up for it . Bunker - worthy?I do n’t want to yuck anyone ’s yum here but like , what even is this ? No way .

6. Cured ham

appearing : Rubbery but firm with a refreshfully small amount of fat residue on topAroma : Smells a little like tuna fish but it ’s not very strong or offensiveTaste : Based on its iconic can and relative popularity , I thought the cured ham actor would be strange and in all likelihood unpleasant but not gross . woefully , it was like bite into a mildly funny cut of bologna that had been left out in the Lord’s Day . And then the rain . For three days . grain : Somehow soupy , sinewy , and rubbery at the same clip . Sinewy , possibly . Bunker - worthy?Meh , there are worse things to horde . But it ’s still not great . I ’m 50/50 on this one .

5. Chicken breast

appearing : It looks on the nose like canned tuna fish but paler and in bigger chunks . It ’s swimming in a murky bath of what seems to be skimming Milk River but what is most likely water . odour : It smells exactly like canned tuna . Taste : It tastes exactly like canned tuna . I wish I was wipe out this excite up with a ton of mayonnaise and celery and Old Bay and relish . You know , like tuna . grain : It sense exactly like eat up tinned tuna . HOW IS THIS NOT TUNA?Bunker - worthy?I mean , if you like tunny , sure .

4. Vienna sausages

Appearance : I have fond memory of feed Vienna sausage at my grandmother ’s house as a youngster . But then again , as a kidskin , I do n’t call back I fully grasped how unappealing and , um , disgustingly significative they seem . Nope . Aroma : It smells like cold hot dog , which is fine by me . Taste : It might be the nostalgia speaking ( or the approaching substance comatoseness ) but these are fairly good ! It basically savour like a half-hearted unsporting - water raging dog and I ’m not mad at it . grain : The inside might be a bit granulose but the exterior offers enough of that blimp - yttrium pop to cancel it out . Bunker - worthy?Oh yeah . Dice these child up and toss them in some eggs and you ’ve got yourself one tasty hugger-mugger breakfast .

3. Smoked ham

Appearance : Visually , it looks soft and pliable , but when I poke it my fork bounces back up into my hand with a shocking amount of force-out , kind of like the fake food that come with those Fisher Price gambling kitchens . odor : It smell salty and meaty like actual , honest - to - good ham actor ! I was like " Wow ! How ’d they do that ? ? " And then I recognize that it was ham – it ’s supposed to sense like that . preference : Holy Toledo , it tastes like ham , too ! Well , to be fair , it approximates the gustatory modality of ham , like an like an expert made synthetic ham . I ’m think the generous liquid smoke injection really helps the illusion . grain : Way too rubberlike . It ’s a nice break from all the mush but it feels not unlike chewing on an eraser . Bunker - worthy?Fine , I ’ll take it .

2. SPAM

Appearance : It looks whole and firm , a real sight for sore center . And I ca n’t make out any oil rings or obvious fat deposits , so that ’s good . Aroma : Again with the Arabian tea food for thought . Not great . Taste : Wow ! This is whole fine ! Good even ! No wonder this sucker ’s so famous . It ’s piquant but so subtle compared to the other sodium turkey . grain : This feels like genuine meat ! A trivial soapy , sure , but it actually eat on like food . I ’m stimulate minute . Bunker - worthy?For sure , but ensure you have approach to some sort of grilling element down there . This stuff could spill the beans with a little char .

1. Spaghetti with jumbo meatballs

visual aspect : While the kernel itself is gray and lifeless , the tomato sauce add together a much apprehended splash of color . And the ball are perfectly round , which is so strangely comforting . Aroma : This smell just like my suburban puerility . The only negative is that the sauce really overpowers any touch of heart smell . I ca n’t believe I just used the term " meat tone . “Taste : Oh man , I lose this stuff . Even though I really enjoyed this sweetheart , the meatball itself did finish with a mild but lingering chemic tone that I could n’t disregard . grain : Each meatball is rather limp and candidly not very meaty . It could be anything , really . It could be a matzo globe . It might be a unleavened bread ball . Bunker - worthy?I’m about two beer aside from buy a sizeable amount of SpaghettiOs stock . Who ’s with me ?

canned meats