Not all dive legal profession are greatdive bars . Some are serviceable neighbourhood joints slinging cheap beers , others are turn tail - down souvenir from decades past , and still others are substitute constructions that wrap themselves in dive taproom furnishing but are actually hipster wannabes trying way too hard . keen dive bar are institution . They have take on on lives of their own and will keep on to survive in the hearts and minds of drinkers everywhere long after the DOH has closed them down . But what , precisely , is it that makes a great dive ? We ’re glad you asked . Here are 12 qualities every dive bar must own to bring in its spot in the sticky , mold , duct - taped honkytonk bar hall of fame .
There’s no happy hour.
Thedrinksare are already dirt chinchy , so further discounts just court fiscal disaster . Bottled beer might run as low-spirited as $ 2 - 3 , withBoilermakersfor not much more . If you ca n’t get out of a prevention well - lubricated for just a couple of sawbucks , it ’s not a dive .
There is no craft beer.
There ’s just beer . unconstipated , carbonated , inhuman American beer .
The bartender is a surly bastard.
He or she might have a heart of gold underneath all that blue jean , but good luck getting to it . This someone is here to scowl and help you drinks — in that order .
There are terrifying regulars.
A diving is nothing without a cell of degenerates desirable of their own bizarro - worldCheersspinoff .
One of the terrifying regulars is an animal.
Maybe it ’s a pawl . Maybe it ’s a cockatoo . possibly it ’s a three - legged cat . perhaps it ’s just a scum bag the bartender befriended one slow Tuesday night . Whatever it is , though , it ’s always there and it ’s more authoritative than you .
There’s a mystery bottle somewhere behind the bar.
What is it ? No one knows — the labeled has fully break up at this point . Do n’t cast it out , though , it ’s still alcohol — plausibly .
The lighting is either too dark and or too bright.
And it oscillates between the two throughout the nighttime , depending on who is in control of the switches .
The bathroom is full of great reading material.
The wall are full of banality from amateur philosophers , rumor about people you ’ve never met and a few amazingly accurate anatomic drawings .
The smell is bad, but not so bad you don’t get used to it after three minutes.
It helps if you plunk , olfactory organ - first , into a glass of straight whiskey .
The old wooden bar surface looks like it’s been gnawed on by a giant guinea pig.
peradventure it was a angry animal , maybe it was the regulars . Either way , it ’s one of the many understanding you do n’t want to run your hand along it is sliver .
The furniture has been re-covered and reinforced.
Multiple time . Typically with canal tape .
It’s been there a while.
No bar starts out as a dive . It might initiate out grungy , but to truly be called a honkytonk , a certain level of disrepair must have take keep — and that take at least a decade . The dive - ification appendage necessitate a surfeit of fights , fires and fluids . Even then , if it want to hang with the big male child , we require to see riots , blimp crashes or an appearance by Charles Bukowski .
Alex Wright / Flickr
