New Englanders are unlike any other the great unwashed in America , and thus , unlike any other people on Earth . There ’s a limited brand of valued difficulty when it comes to mold a romantic human relationship with us that can be as alternately riotous and pleasant as spring in Hartford .
If you ’re an foreigner , you should n’t embark on a kinship with a New Englander without some ground info . Here is that info , well enjoyed with some lobster and " Sweet Caroline " on repeat .
We walk wicked fast
No matter how fast you call back your legs can take you up a James Jerome Hill , ours are double the hurrying and twice the size . You think we ’re going to take our time tramp those breezy , frustratingly irregular Boston streets , or hiking up the somehow windier White Mountains ? NOPE . If you are n’t moving at what finger like a brisk trot , you ’re move too easy .
Yes, we do actually own some nice clothes beneath all that fleece
I know what you ’re mean : does that L.L.Bean undershirt ever come off ? Yeah , buddy , it does . Once we wash all the dogshit off our faces and buffer out the Strategic Arms Limitation Talks stains from our boots , you ’ll find a whole unlike person underneath . You cerebrate that Brooks Brothers frontier settlement at Bradley International experience there by stroke ?
We’re as ♫ cold as ice ♫
We ’re as cold-blooded as the icing you have to scrape off your windshield every forenoon and we ’re never going to exchange . If you want to mouth about aroused horseshit and all that stuff , you ’re going to have to do some deep digging . But hey , it ’s not our mistake . There was n’t much time for emotional liaison when our Puritan ancestors were meddlesome trying not to starve to dying in the winter , hanging witches , and slut - shaming the Hester Prynnes of the compound reality . Our parents handed that emotional secession down to us , and we ’ll one day pass that icy flannel mullein .
But we eventually warm up
Sure , it ’s hard to scratch the surface of our frigid exterior – but , once you break off aside with that ice rink pick - shaped muscle call the heart and soul ( and move past all the cold - themed metaphors ) , you ’ll find that the elbow room we love is as operose and honest as anyone else . Except way well . Remember the end ofGood Will Huntingwhen Will labor to California to win back Minnie Driver ’s centre ? Yeah , focus on that and … forget everything before that point .
Coffee dates will only happen at one place
Starbucks ? ill-timed . Seattle ’s Best ? Wait , do those even subsist any longer ? Peet ’s ? Peet ’s is really pretty good , that might not be a spoiled estimate … but , NO !
We ’re going to Dunkin ' Motherfucking Donuts , baby .
Of course you should dictate the largest possible Dunkaccino AND a croissandwich . We ’re generous like that . Plus , we still have money on that talent card our Nana gave us two Noel ago . So yeah , things are going pretty well here .
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You’re 100% going to see our parents' summer house in Cape Cod
Wait , not in July , our grandparents have it that whole calendar month . No , the second weekend in August is no good , Uncle Paul ’s withdraw that blackjack oak dealer from Foxwoods he just begin dating , although that ’ll probably be over by June . Hmm Labor Day weekend MIGHT work out but we ’ll have to crack OK amercement YOU CAUGHT US IT ‘S JUST A TIMESHARE .
We don’t all have friends named “Sully”
Like , there ’s my friend John . His last name ? Well , it ’s Sullivan but we do n’t call him – well , I think he goes by Sully SOMETIMES but whatever , rent me get him over here . John ! John ? Ugh . SULLY . See , here comes John now . You ’re gon na make out him . He ’s fruitcake .
You’re absolutely going to Fenway for “date night”
How are you enjoy the obstructed perspective from rump that still be $ 50 over face ? And that Fenway Frank ? No , it ’s decidedly NOT just a even hot domestic dog with part of the bun miss . My Garden State ? Yeah , it ’s a Tom Brunansky throwback . Who ’s Tom Brunansky ? ! You know , this might not work out . Oh look , it ’s my sound protagonist John Sullivan !
Don’t pick an argument with us
defy you have any idea how many highly esteemed colleges there are in New England ? Harvard , MIT , Yale , BU , Middlebury , Tufts , Dartmouth . Well yeah , sure WE went to Trinity , but we pass plenty of weekends visit friends at those other blank space . And debate with them . Just do n’t try it .
We’ll never have a relationship like Luke and Lorelai fromGilmore Girls
People like that from Connecticut simply do not survive .
You’re going to hate being in the car with us
countenance us tug and watch us recklessly cut people off on Route 2 while swearing at other driver in between making poorly - give notice sportswoman talk radio calls . Or you could drive and deal with all the other maniac doing the exact same thing .
Don’t bother dating anyone from Rhode Island
Just rely us .
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Jeremy Glassis a author for Thrillist and proudly grow up in Connecticut and Massachusetts .
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