When the mood strikes , the lighting is lay out , your “ downstairs ” is groomed , and your mattress mate is someone you have it off ( or at least love to see naked ) , sexuality can bequitethe enjoyable experience ( to say the very , very least ) .
But there are also those times when sex is … notso sexy . You jazz , like when your partner ’s idea of “ using his mouth ” ask making mid - coitus cat noises . Saucy bedroom - speak is an nontextual matter form – and when his translation of that involves uncollectible puns or advert to your noblewoman parts as a stiff veggie , the only big “ O ” happening tonight will be you saying , “ ‘ O ’ my God , how quickly can an Uber get me out of here ? ”
Here , 30 women of all age share horrific IRL sexytime buzzkills of the verbal nature that have leave their nether regions still recoiling – in some cases , decades later .
Daniel Fishel/Thrillist
Strange sounds
" After going down on me , the guy wire I was with order , ' Om nom nom . ' He sounded like a cat meme and I still squinch when I think about it . " –Allyson , 32
" This guy wire in college started babe - mouth me in bed about two months after he took my virginity . Once he whipped those guns out , I could n’t do it any longer and NEEDED to see what else was out there . It was too bad , because he was so red-hot and skillful otherwise . " –*Rosie , 29
" I used to hook up with this guy who would actually whiz in bottom – yes , like a cat – and say , ' Yeah , I do it what you like ' over and over again as he repeatedly failed to get me off … so clearly , no , he did n’t get it on . " –*Zelda , 24
The “do not ask” list
" My young man was strip me before sex when he said , ' Are these Walmart step-in ? ' For the book , it was a silk white thong from an upscale section shop ! " –*Bianca , 29
" matter were acquire hot and leaden with my boyfriend ( now x ) in his childhood bedroom when we were there for a holiday break . But then he articulate , ' Can we just do it stick out up from behind ? That twin bottom wo n’t be capable to have both our weightiness . ' I ’m all for trying different positions , but making a girl find with child right before you ' do it ' is n’t exactly the most beguiling proposition . " –*Lynn , 29
" ' Do we really need to use a condom ? ' is always a classic . " –Meagan , 28
" After going down on me , the cat I ’m dating goes , ' Do you have any sassing wash ? ' I got so mad . Like , what the Hades , ca n’t we nest first ? " –*Noelle , 29
" I was sleeping with this guy rope once who seek anal without necessitate me first ; naturally , my reaction was one of surprisal and he operate , ' Oh , is that going to be a problem ? ' Um , yeah , how could you think enter the back door without consent would n’t be an issue ? ! " –*Janie , 30
" I used to hook up with this guy who would actually purr in bed . "
Weird requests
" A guy in college I had been into always came home with me one night . We were hooking up and he was on top of me in bed when he go , ' Do you want to make sloshy ? ' Sloshy ? ! So un - live , but my friend and I are still laugh about it 10 years subsequently . " –*Mandy , 30
" I was having sex with the hombre I had been hooking up with and after I fetch up he goes , ' Damn , could I take up a poncho ? ' OK , so I get really wet when I ’m excited … but what ’s wrong with that ? ! " –*Karli , 25
Awkward innuendos
" One time a bozo said ' give thanks you ' after . That was awkward . " –Beth , 28
" My husband and I owned several businesses together . plain he was unable to cut up , because one dark during sex , he actually tried to discourse job with me . I looked at him like , you have to be kidding me ! Well , I bought him out of the patronage and we ’re divorced now . " –Nedalee , 46
" I was bear sexuality with this bozo I had been visualise , and I guess my moaning was tawdry because he really told me to ' close up ' while he was inside of me ! Do n’t take me back to your parents ' house if you ’re that worried about them find out us . " –*Jenna , 30
" This guy cable was doing me from behind and he keep slap my backside and tell , ' Giddy up , young woman ! ' Yeah , giddy up aright out of here , you lame - o. " –*Allie , 24
" I was potty and in the midst of hook up with this hombre … and he return asleep mid - blow job . His silence was far more thundery than anything he could have say . " –*Monica , 29
" I was being very verbal in bed with a fellow , when he set out laughing , lose his erecting , and said , ' You fathom like a bad porn movie . ' Needless to say that was the last time I had sex with him ! " –Cynthia , 72
" He was on top of me in bed when he goes , ' Do you need to make sloshy ? ' "
Butt play
" During a crack - steamy sleeping accommodation session , the bozo asked me , ' So , have you ever thought about accept it up the poop shoot ? ' Well , even if I had view experimenting , you just ruined your gibe . “– * Lea , 29
All in the family
" ' Let ’s role - dramatic play that we ’re step - siblings . ' … Um , what ? " –*Gabrielle , 28
" I was giving a cat straits and he in reality called me ' mom . ' No , not in a aphrodisiacal ' mami ' direction . Like straight - up , ' Yes , mom , keep doing that . ' It was supposed to be praise , but I was not into it after he state that . Why are you recall about your mother while your balls are in a little girl ’s mouth ? " –Margaret , 25
Seeing red
" I was having period sex activity with my boyfriend ; when we were finished , he looked down at his , er , cherry - hued rubble , and goes , ' Ew . ' total on , dude , you knew what you were signing up for ! " –*Isabelle , 33
The worst compliments, ever
" After giving my ex-husband a blow Book of Job back in the twenty-four hour period , he told me , ' That was so good , I palpate like I should pay you . ' I gauge it was suppose to be a compliment , but for obvious reasons it made me palpate like a dirty hooker . " –*Bella , 24
" ' La tua patata stretta mi fa god ere moltissimo , ' which is Italian for , ' I enjoy your compressed potato so much . ' " –*Maria , 25
" After catch some Z’s with this guy cable [ back when I was 20 years honest-to-goodness ] , he goes , ' Wow , Susan – that was great . ' Well , except for the fact that my name is n’t Susan . I also bang who Susan was , and we looked nothing alike . So I replied , ' Yes it was , Steve , ' know very well his name was n’t Steve , either . " –*Christina , 59
" One metre , I was [ hooking up with a guy ] and he allege to me , ' Your musk remind me of a man ’s when I kiss you . ' It made me finger self - conscious about not being unclouded enough ; I was also inquire how he know what snog a homo taste like . " –E.A. , 36
" A guy rope was undressing me and goes , ' Wow , you have thighs like tree trunks . ' I do n’t know if it was suppose to be an insult or a eldritch compliment , but it feel horrifying to have my expectant insecurity spoken out loud to me during what was supposed to be an intimate moment . " –*Jill , 30
" ' Let ’s role - play that we ’re stair - siblings . ' … Um , what ? "
The wrong way to drop your relationship status
" One guy wire very conveniently waited until after we lie with to tell me that he had a girlfriend . Now I always require [ about his relationship status ] upfront ! " –*Lisa , 30
" There are many magnetic declination of a guy informing you right after intercourse that he does n’t need commitment … and they ’re all terrible . " –Barbara , 67
" Immediately after receive sexual activity with this guy cable , he picked up his phone and started texting . When I necessitate what he was doing , he share that he was responding to his [ female person ] friend who was going through a forged time with her husband ; he then bemuse in , ' She really hit on me sometimes . ' Huh ? ! Talk about a buzzkill . " –Kerri , 50
Things are looking… down
" Back in college , I had just give my swain at the prison term my first blow job ever . I end and come up for some kissing , only to be press away . He assure me , ' I ’m like a dog – I do n’t eat my own shit . ' Oh , but it ’s OK for me to ? ! I sent him packing – hopefully my first BJ was his last . " –*Laurie , 42
" The guy wire I was seeing was about to go down on me when he say , ' Is it lunchtime yet ? Cuz I ’m hungry ! ' then proceeded to groan weirdly . Chill with the noise and pun , you have n’t even started yet ! " –*Anne , 24
- Names have been changed
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