There are 8 million mass in New York City , and approximately 7.999 million of them are douchebags . Are you one of ‘em ? Probably . specially if you ’re trip one of these 50 red flag that broadly set our peculiar blade of pectus - thumping , money - fuel , screw - everyone - but - me Five Boroughs douchery . phone like any New Yorkers you know ?
1 . You keep a car because " it ’s prissy to have for grocery and stuff"Ugh .
2 . You have a snag - controlled apartmentUghhhhhhhhhhh .
Flickr/David Thompson (Edited)
3 . You ’re from Bronxville but you say people you ’re from the BronxYou know bloody well this is n’t true .
4 . You relate to everything north of Yonkers as " upstate"You know damn well this is n’t , either .
5 . You talk meth about Queens even though you ’ve never been thereCiti Field does n’t count .
Flickr/Jason Kuffer
6 . Your parents yield ANY of your rent , but you still complain about moneyGet your sh * * together .
7 . you’re able to recall the last time you partied in the MeatpackingOr you ca n’t , because it wasSOOOOOOOO EPIC .
8 . You clip your nail on the underground
Flickr/Chris Goldberg
9 . You call for your barman to plug in your phone before order a drink
10 . You concern to matter as " the fresh Williamsburg"Or " hyper local . " Or " highly leveraged . " Or " pillage . "
11 . You tilt your entire body on the pole instead of hold it
Flickr/davitydave
12 . You catcall women on the streetActually , make that anywhere . include Whole Foods .
13 . You ’re nine out of 10real estate brokers
14 . You bring your childto the bar
Flickr/John Fraissinet
15 . You have time of year tickets , but only go " with clients"This applies to all team , but slightly less so if it ’s the Knicks , because those games are genuinely hard to sit through these days .
16 . You go to rooftop parties , cast your hand skyward , and cry , " We gon na run this town tonight / aayyyy - ayyyyyyyy - ayyyyy - ayyyyyyyy "
17 . Your monthly Uber bill is comparable to your monthly rentImportant note : surge pricing is not " unfair " if you willingly harmonize to pay it before calling your car . Please shut up .
Flickr/erin m
18 . You wear the same grim button - down to Oyster Fest that everyone else jade to Oyster FestThroughout the Clarence Day , you continue undoing button . By crepuscule , you will look like Tommy Bahama ’s corporal brother - in - law . You believe this is a good expression .
19 . You pay off $ 5,000 for a summer contribution in Montauk because the Hamptons are full of rich douchebags
20 . You do n’t see the big deal about a dive bar closing to make way for a 7 - Eleven"Gentrification is really just making the metropolis better , when you cerebrate about it . "
Flickr/Chris Goldberg
21 . You resist on the left side of the escalator
22 . Youwalk three abreast on sidewalkswith your friends Chad & SteveIt ’s impossible to get past you .
23 . You smash music from your headphone speaker system in place of phone
Flickr/Howard Walfish
24 . You grease one’s palms incredibly expensive things at Brooklyn Flea because they look " rustic"It ’s the repurposed milk - crateful bookshelf your apartment always needed !
25 . You toy full - scale football games at Sheep Meadow during peak sunbathing hour
26 . You upstream people hailing cabs
Flickr/snowpea&bokchoi
27 . You think going to Williamsburg is an escapade
28 . Youdrink vodka sodasfor the tastePoured from the overpriced bottles you ordered just for the sparkler .
29 . You refer to your SoulCycle teacher as your " muse "
Flickr/Andy Cross
30 . You ’re disappointed in your bodega ’s craft beer selection , which is " just so - so "
31 . Youcomplain about how cold it is in the middle of wintertime
32 . Your infrastructure of night life operations is a bastard Irish bar that only play articulatio coxae - hop / pop musicYou think you know the Irish barkeep by name . That ’s not really his name , and he ’s not actually Irish .
33 . You find it unimaginable to not shout outside the barEven though the sign politely quest that you do not scream outside the cake .
34 . You compare work colleagues to part fromAmerican PsychoAnd you mean it as a term of endearment .
35 . You frequently start prison term with " Say what you require about Giuliani , but … "
36 . You take pic of " graffiti " that a brand installed outside its store
37 . Youmanspread
38 . You aggressively gainsay the " New Yorkness " of everyone you meet"If you were n’t born here , then you ’re NOT areal New Yorker . "
40 . You question the holiness and/or sanitariness of dollar pizza pie
41 . You remember Hoboken is basically the same as BrooklynYou think the PATH is basically the same as the subway , too , do n’t you ?
42 . You gripe about how New York is " worse than it used to be "
43 . You ’ve go to the West Village just to punk
44 . You take the air into Manitoba ’s and proclaim , " I love this place!“Everyone there hates you because you have health insurance policy .
45 . You wait in line for brunch when there expanse billion other brunch placesyou could go to
46 . You spit your gumwood on the pavement , or go away your dog ’s poo thereYou are conduce to the impairment of this once - majuscule society .
47 . You detest everyone who ’s " bankrupt " Bushwick , where you move last class
48 . You await machine to obviate you , even though you ’re jaywalking
49 . You ask pedestrians with the right - of - fashion to forfend you …… even though you ’re bicycle against dealings .
50 . You write lists like thisOr comment to ask me if I was born here ( I was n’t ) , then narrate me this list is " invalid . " Go onwards , do it – every New Yorker is a douchebag sometimes .
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