A Letter to That Guy Who Just Quit Coffee

Dear Guy Who Just Quit Coffee ,

First off , I ’d wish to give thanks you for leaving more coffee tree for the residue of us . But that ’s all I ’d like to thank you for , because I have several grievances about the way youmegaphone your new non - coffee lifestyleto anyone who will mind with an urgency typically reserved for scream " Fire ! " in a theatre .

Quite frankly I ’m sick of hearing about your radiant skin , princess - same slumber , acid - devoid stomach , vast savings write up , and police squad of babes that is now wrapped around your extended tea - boozing pinky .

Shutterstock (edited)

If I seem irritable it ’s becauseI did n’t sleep well last night , a problem that you never have any longer , but one that I knowingly ask over into my life because I actively select to drink burnt umber . kudos on your accomplished sleep cycle and eye socket that do n’t resemble eggplants . I , too , recollect eight - minute long Egyptian cotton eve with pipe dream of flying like an eagle alongside Steve Miller , Seal , and the starting line - up of the Tune Squad , but I have since outgrow such childish fantasies . Do you recall you ’re safe than me because you do n’t confine your dream to daytime office hour like every other overworked adult ? You’resupposedto be tired all the sentence – this is America , dammit !

I trust you enjoy that newfangled iPad Pro you plan to buy with the $ 5 a daytime you ’re saving by not supporting millions of coffee farmers in impoverished countries , and grand of baristas whose promising electronic music careers will be embarrass without the dollar - a - 24-hour interval tip you have , up until your recent abstinence , been add to their Moog saving cash in hand . Just 150 more days to go until you give the spook of Steve Jobs $ 800 to ameliorate your Candy Crush acquirement and make it easier to watch porn in your bedroom .

But of form those YouPorn days are over , right ? Because your newfound admiration of herbal afternoon tea has lifted your olfactory organ so richly into the melodic phrase that it ’s become a lighthouse for attractive member of the paired gender itching to go on a tea particular date , right ? Camellia sinensis dates do n’t exist . stress list ' teatime ' as an interest on a dating site and expect for those correct swipe to roll in . While you do that , I ’ll extend to make my barista friends uncomfortable as I fumble with my debit card to buy incredible coffee for women with wildly mislead touchwood photos .

Oh , has your heartburn cool down , and is your stomach as relaxed as a floor prat at a Peter , Paul , and Mary concert ? say me more ! But know that preach the health benefit of give up coffee is the equivalent of severalize me not to immunize … my weenie . I will grant that caffeine is dehydrating and now your hide is glowing like a celebrity ’s infant , but that ’s what Oil Of Olay is for … and water . I wish you a very merry heightened risk ofcancer , diabetes , and cardiovascular disease . Just kidding , that ’s dark , but enough already , okay ?

The worst part about your raw life choice , though , is having to nod my nous in quiet acknowledgment of the ironclad willpower it drive for you to turn your back on one of the most delicious liquids know to man . But hey , maybe there ’s value in giving up redundant energy , an excuse to leave your desk , and delightful pallet notes of baker ’s chocolate / Australian honeysuckle / first kiss so I have a reason to talk down to others . Though , if I wanted to do that I ’d juststart flossingor entering all of my impulse purchase into Mint.com .

Let ’s babble out again in two workweek – after your brain is forced back toproducing its own adenosinelike a god - infernal troglodyte and you notice yourself tax with an 11th hr deadline that ’s utterly impossible to complete without a bang of the good stuff – so I can see upon you and smile smugly .

Sincerely ,

Guy Who Will Never Give Up Coffee