Any time a major mutant spectacle occurs in a so - called " developing nation , " a intimate parade of news level marchland across your societal media feeds . pathetic people get relocated , often forcibly ; too much money isspent on facilitiesunlikely to see much use ; glaringhuman rights violationsplague the emcee nation ; sweepinginfrastructure changeslook doomed to failure , and may not help those who necessitate them most ; Russiaforgetsthat it does n’t have to stick to the secret plan ofRocky IV ; etc . etc . etc .
But Rio 2016 is a Nadia - Comăneci - perfect-10 Olympic shitstorm . Not only is Brazil engulfed in a Zika outbreak , but its chair was recently impeach ( and her replacementbanned from go for post for eight days ! ) ; its wellness minister supervene upon by someone with no health background knowledge who’scurrently under probe for corruption ; and its economy in the dumps . The weather should be red-hot and humid , at least !
So even though it ’s belike a risky idea to deteriorate thousands of mass into the midsection of an epidemic , then charge them to literally every corner of the earth three weeks later , that ’s exactlywhat ’s going to happen . If for some intellect you ’re traveling to Brazil ( you ’ve always woolgather of entering the paunch of a plague ? ) , here are your most urgent health concerns … ranked .
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10. Stress over moving your assets into commodities
Did you bet crowing oniron orewhen the Brazilian economy was boom ? Was South Americansoyyour tag to a private island ? Are you or were you recently an executive atPetrobras ? Hope you have Xanax / Pepcid / a lawyer on hand .
9. Extrajudicial killings
If you ca n’t beat ‘em , stamp out ‘em ! Crime in Brazil is jusssst a moment of an upshot , and in the lead - up to the 2014 World Cup and this year ’s Olympics , Brazil formedPacifying constabulary Unitsto cleanse up its pack - contain favelas . Before the units can figure favelas , though , members of the BOPE ( Brazil ’s most elite police force ) take out mathematical process to make clean out the big offenders .
Unsurprisingly , this process often turns deadly , with policekilling more than 1,000 mass per yearin Rio and Sao Paulo . Some of these killings are legitimate ego - defense ; after all , many mob have no trouble waging all - out warfare on the bull . But the BOPE hasearned a reputationfor extrajudicial killings , a fancy way of saying , " Rolling up on some people and shooting them with no repercussions . " Basically , do n’t pass water off the police in Brazil , or unite any work party , and you ’ll probably be o.k. .
8. Typhoid
Still very much a affair ! Typhoid realistically wo n’t be much of a concern provided youget the vaccinum , but anything that canpotentiallycause"intestinal hemorrhage or perforation " earns itself an automatic spot on this list .
7. Chikungunya
There was a time when chikungunya was the hot unexampled tropic disease on the block , but Zika came along and stole its thunder . Who knew we ’d have all kind of fun new tropical disease to face forward to in an geological era of runaway climate change , global travel internet , and increasingly ineffective drugs ? There have been nearly40,000 cases reportedso far this year , so make certain you never , ever , not even once , get a mosquito bite . bring in topic even more interesting is the fact that chikungunya , dengue , and Zika all havesimilar symptom , so this is actually your skilful - casing scenario !
6. Tainted steroids
You live what ’s theworst ? Getting all amped up for your judo gold medal bust , only to chance upon you ’ve swallowed a bad batch of the juice . Mr. Putin willnotbe glad about this disgrace you ’ve brought upon the Motherland . As shortly as you recover , you ’re going to have to watch out for polonium poisoning on top of it all . year of consecrated training , down the drain .
5. Dengue fever
bed as " The Shy One , " dengue does n’t get the care of Zika , but that ’s just because it ’s not linked to microcephaly . OK , fine , you should likely be paying more attention to Zika … except for the fact thatBrazil isalsobattling a dandy fever eruption , which , wow , two blooming outbreaks in the same Olympian city ? The fun affair about dengue and Zika is that the same mosquito transmits both of them , andthese mosquitoes"are daytime feeders that favour urban habitats , bite multiple humans during each alimentation period , and engender principally in serviceman - made containers such as H2O tanks , plastic feeding bottle , put away tires , and bloom pots . " That does n’t sound like Rio at all .
4. Zika
Have you heard of this virus called Zika ? It ’s a cute little disease that almost no one is sing about in the lamestream sensitive , but is really a pretty big peck . Oh , you ’ve heard of it ? Andmicrocephaly ? AndGuillain - Barré ? And you could say all of them with the fluency of Anderson Cooper ? Good for you , so you already know this is the fourthly - most - pressing health concern of the Olympics .
3. Regular old murder
Extrajudicial killings are forged , but there wereonly1,519 of them in 2014 - - which accounted for 16 % of all Rio murders . Holy shit , that means there were 9,494 murders that year , and across Brazilthere were most 60,000 . For comparison , in the US , there were alittle more than 14,000 murdersthat same year , and there are about 100 million more multitude in the US .
2. Foul, disgusting, fetid water
You may or may not get bitten by a mosquito , but you ’re DEFINITELY going to come into contact with water supply . Lest you think that ’s too many vague adjectives to delineate water character , why do n’t you understand what local biologist Mario Moscatellitold Public Radio Internationalabout Rio ’s mighty rivers :
" The rivers feed into the laguna are double-dyed sh– … the feces of 1000 of people empty into the river without treatment . "
Rio 2016 : The Feces of Thousands of People Emptied Into the River Without Treatment . Could be a catchy slogan ! Therest of the pieceon Rio ’s water supply conditions is truly terrific , replete with minacious phrases like " nausea , dizziness , vomiting , diarrhoea " and " the water situation in Rio is horrific . " This comes in addition to the AP ’s coverage on the crisis , which essentially aver thewater Olympians will be using is pathogen - take sewage . Do n’t worry TOO much , though – there ’s amere 99 % probability of getting wan after take in three teaspoonsof the stuff , so it ’ll take … ohhhh wait , no , that ’s really bad .
1. All sorts of STDs
Everyone knows that the tangible goal of the Olympics is togive athletes and their inner circle a safe space for orgies– the Olympicsis a fuckfest , basically , and if they just call it Rio Fuckfest 2016 , Brazil could lay aside itself from wasting money on stadiums , pools , and wakeful rail .
look for the requisite outrageous number of free condoms being mete out to the Olympic Village this yr ? It ’s 450,000,enough for each athlete to have sexuality 84 times , which is just timid of four sentence per mean solar day over three weeks , not accounting for breakage or misuse or blow them up and making silly balloon animals . They ’re going to need more condoms , is the point .
And that ’s just the athletes ! Think of all the visitor , tourists , and locals look for Rio 2016 to swear out as their wingman . The only trouble with shipping strangers from around the globe into one urban center to bang , is : STDs . Even the CDC warns that the " celebratory atm " could head to risky sexuality . On the other helping hand , " to have more sex " might be the only defendable reason to host the Olympics at this point .
Given the context , what could be less inspiring than witnessing the capital athletes in the macrocosm compete for their Carry Nation ' aureole in ad hoc palaces dedicated to niche mutation , while85,000 security troopssuppress any potential bedlam and provide a sanitize experience for the legions of jock and foreign tourists who will … stimulate the economy ?
The metaphors declare oneself by the Olympics are so rich you could n’t make them up if you try : the elect gather , a very choice few take home the amber , a few more gather the silver and bronze , the remaining get to observe the company in which they find themselves – and everyone else is expected to look on and pep up , hoping that some of the glory will filter down to them .
Oh well ! How ‘bout that Michael Phelps , huh ? U - S - A ! U - S - A ! ! !
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