Welcome back toOff the Menu , where we bring you the good and strangest intellectual nourishment story from my electronic mail inbox . This week , we have more stories of amazing customers who prove there is good and Christ Within in the public . As always , these are real e-mail from literal readers , though name have been changed .
Crapping on the server is not an ideal date move
" I used to solve at a popular Mexican restaurant in Galveston , TX . One good afternoon the hostess seated me with two guys who were apparently on a day of the month . The ( much ) older guy was fine - looking , but the younger gent was red-hot with a capital " baloney . " The young , spicy guy cable ordered cheese enchilada and the older bozo grade the taco platter .
" All was work fine in my section until I contribute out their food for thought . I put the photographic plate of enchiladas in front of young , red-hot guy and he thank me . I put down the taco platter in front of sr. bozo and he directly explode and jump right in my dogshit . ' I ordered tacos ! ' he yelled . I was shocked , but I keep my assuredness and said , ' Sir , these ARE tacos . '
" ' No they ’re not ! ' he yelled . ' Tacos are made with soft flour tortillas ! ' Did I cite I brought him crispy - shell wetback , which were thoroughly described on the menu , and which he had ordered ?
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist
" By this clock time half the restaurant was appear at us , and new , raging guy ’s aspect was Beta vulgaris - red . ' I ’m no-count , sir , ' I say . ' I ’ll correct it correctly away . '
" I take on his platter into the kitchen and explain to the cooks and manager what had happen , that the guy was a dick , and he wanted soft tacos . The kind , understanding cooks made the order right away so I would n’t have to deal with old guy wire plain about how long it was taking , and brought them out to the table within about five minutes . Seven or so minutes afterward I stopped by the tabular array with the ' How is everything ? ' talking to , and dickhead disregard me but hot guy attend up , smiled , and said , ' Fine , give thanks you . '
" I was n’t sure what prick did for a bread and butter but I could hear him talking to hot bozo about how great his job was and how important he was . Hot guy rope was very quiet , eat slowly , did n’t touch his grande margarita , and let dickwad do all of the talk . I brought them the bridle almost right away without even offering them dessert , because I could just expect for them to get out of there . Wad - male child paid with a credit card and tipped me 8 % .
" They were getting quick to leave while I was place the empty table next to them , and dickface said , ' Are you ready to go to the club ? ' Young guy said calmly , ' I ’d prefer that you took me home . '
" tinker’s dam - heel said , ' What do you mean ? ' The young , ever - so - spicy guy became my submarine sandwich when he said , ' I do n’t need to go out with anyone who would treat a waitress the way you treated ours . In fact , do n’t bother taking me home ; I ’m send for a taxicab . '
" He proceed to get up , walk to the payphone up front ( no cellphones in those day ) , and call a taxi . The scumbag was , to my joy , completely dumbfounded . He sit around at the board for a minute then follow spicy hombre to the front and I watched them outside , my hero sedately waiting for a taxi , and the bastard gesticulating like sick , try out to coax him into not will . " –Vanessa Erickson
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist
Twenty rowdy Scotsmen walk into a bar…
" I was between even jobs and working at a sports barroom ( with a particular niche in association football ) to make a short money until I could discover a full - time job . This was my first eating house job and I had been learning the Mexican valium slowly but surely . Because of this , though , I was given a quite a little of chemise at odd time of day , which meant not very big checks and not very big tips . One night , though , I get to knead the dinner hour on a Thursday and had made decent money .
I move to get my manager to put the large - group gratuity on the check , but he take one spirit at the guy who was paying and just said , " Nah , believe me . "
" I was doing my side employment in between mark on my one remaining table , as it was snug to 10 Prime Minister by then . Just me and one other server were on . Then a busload of Scottish the great unwashed ( we were in suburban Kansas ; I do n’t know how they all found each other ) on a bar crawl walked in and sat out on the patio . I got to take care of about 20 raucous Scots all by myself .
" They were the most cheery , laconically sarcastic , heavily tonic masses I ’ve ever served in my liveliness . They went through actual gallons of Angry Orchard cider and a few XL pizzas for good measure . Much to my easing and joy , one guy was going to take care of the entire tab , which at this point was north of $ 400 . I went to get my managing director to put the big - radical gratuity on the check , but he take away one look at the guy who was paying and just said , ' Nah , intrust me . ' So I gave the guy rope the bridle sans included pourboire , and bid him and the remainder of the now - well - lubricated group goodnight as they boarded the motorcoach to their next legal community .
" I opened the check , and he had give me a 50 % tip . I about cried . " –Brady Cameron
Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger
" My first job was working at Chick - fil - A. One dark when I was go the driving force - thru and we were about to close up , we had one last car do through . I grew up watchingAll Thaton Nickelodeon and enjoy the Good Burger skits and had been need to do this for a while . The customer pull up to the loudspeaker system and rather of saying whatever the greeting was normally , I or else said , ' Welcome to Chick - fil - A. Home of the Chick - fil - A. Can I take your guild ? ' and I suppose it in that raspy voice that Kel had and still does . The client proceeded to say , ' Yeah , can I get a Good Burger and some Good Fries and a Good Shake to top it off ? ' I busted up express joy and said , ' You , sir , get a free meal tonight . '
" Best . client . Ever . " –Josh Gregory
Wait for it
" After five years or so of serve in various restaurants , I was moderately confident in my power to read people . One Thursday evening , I get the best surgical incision in the house – all booth ! No big parties , no sourpuss who did n’t get seated in non - booths , and usually not a lot of children . I get this endearing eye - senior couple . We engage in witty give-and-take over the course of their meal and everything pass away absolutely flawlessly . At this point , I would be happy with a 10 % tip because it ’s so enjoyable to attend them .
" I drop off the bill and go tend to my other table . I peek over and the distaff portion of the relationship is sitting there alone with the defrayal - less cheque , to which I conceive , ' Oh , the dude ’s probably in the washroom . ' She sits there alone for 15 minutes when I ’m about to go over and see if everything ’s OK , when I fall upon she left . I reach the billfold and … nothing . No cash . No hint of a credit visiting card defrayal . Zilch . I madly call for my colleagues if they had paid with any one of them , to no avail .
“ However , I walk in for my opening shift the next good afternoon and my manager is sheepishly walk up to me with a fat gasbag . Turns out , the duet who stiffed me the night before had gotten into a lover ’s quarrel right after I had dropped off the peak , and the man stormed out . The woman did n’t bonk he had left and waited for him at the table for a while . She then figured he choke home and that he must have pay on the path out and off she went to go line up him . After they conferred with one another , it penetrate on them that neither of them paid . They were sphacelate and called the restaurant and order to settle their tab … with a 40 % summit for me .
" Hah ! I make love they were n’t the eccentric to pull that crap . " –Natalie Sironis
Watch out for airborne gravy
" I work as a bartender / waitress at a streak inside a upscale wellness - food market storage ( it ’s a real thing , I predict ) . Most of our patronage was well - off retired person and 30 - something recently disunite men hoping to get a date with someone come in after a yoga year . Generally a nice group of customers , but by all odds rich , highly strung people . blank out to take common salt to some might be a immense offence , but mechanically bring it make others to give you a public lecture about sodium uptake . It was a difficult balancing number .
" It was St. Patrick ’s Day . There was also a March Madness plot with the local university team play and we were dead - staffed . Needless to say , it was an insane evening with me rushing around serving corned beef and cabbage , pouring Guinness , and making sure no one was becoming belligerent .
" For some rationality , the bar supervisor always liked to have food specials on display for multitude to see . While I get the concept , it generally just have us to get mingy looks when we told people they probably should n’t eat it , as it was n’t a sample and had been sit out for hours . Since it was St. Patrick ’s daylight , we had a giant display of the cured beef and cabbage dinner special , complete with gravy , potatoes , and Irish beer bread .
" As the night was beginning to slack down , I had an older brace sit at the only candid tooshie – neighboring to our food displays . I was clearing tabular array and leaned over to let them know I ’d be right with them , and a plate slid off the tidy sum of saucer I was carrying , plunk right on into the solid food display . The 12 - hour - older gravy and white potato somehow still had some runniness to them , and fly up , then dropped … right into the man ’s lap covering .
" I was horrified and apologize profusely while trying to position down the flock of dishes . The man looked up and me and said , ' I just have one thing to tell you . ' He slow leaned in – at which level I was thinking he was about to spatter in my face – and he said , ' I do n’t have to fart anymore , you pit it out of me . '
" It was the jest I call for that dark , and he would n’t even permit me give him a free beer as an apology . " –Belinda Farragut
The legend of stoner stripper
" When I was 16 I worked at a small Italian restaurant on a major road in my area . It was in the first of a serial publication of shopping centers and was located in the back corner , out of sight and only patronise by our neighbor and those on our stretch of road . Since there were only about six to eight tables in the place , only one time lag - staffer was on shift at a meter . Our most loyal customer base was from the strip night club in the neighboring shopping center .
" The striptease who make there ordinarily ordered delivery , but one okay good afternoon , one of the strippers determine to venture in during one of her breaks . She wander in HIGH AS A KITE . BAKED . TOTALLY FRIGGIN ' STONED OUT OF HER MIND . I welcomed her to the eating place and seat her . I brought her a glass of water system and the fare and ask her if she ’d wish anything else to drink . She declined , and I stepped back to the waitstaff ’s counter to put back clean dishes / wrap silverware / whatever .
" I glance over to see how she was doing , and mark that she was take care at the menu , quite perplexed and tilting her head and squinting her eyes as if it did n’t make sense to her , or if she had forgotten her crank or something . After a few baffled moments , she slant her drumhead further , whispered , ' Ooooooh , ' then closed the menu , FLIPPED IT UPRIGHT , open it , and then nod to herself approvingly before read the menu .
My hands were literally shaking as I commit the chapeau off the dressing cupful … now jam solid with sess .
" I gave her meter to read the now - right - side - up card , then went over to take her order . Her quick question was , ' Do you have … eggplant ? ' I nodded , and go to enjoin her about our various eggplant dishes , and she said , ' No no no no , I just want deep-fried brinjal . ' The restaurant had a vegetable Little Corporal , which had fried Solanum melongena and zucchini and stuff in it , and after double - checking with the chef , I told her we ’d be able to sub the other veggies for eggplant . She then asked me if we had a salad with bacon on it . I tell her we did , and endure through the four or so salads that had Viscount St. Albans on them . She picked one and require for it without olive .
" I brought her the mad apple and the salad , and she immediately reckon totally devastated . I asked if anything was amiss , and she looked up at me lamentably and enunciate , ' The salad has 1st Baron Verulam on it … ' I apologized and order her I could convey it back to have it furbish up , and she stimulate her head smartly and said , ' No no no , just bring me a spoonful . '
" I brought her a spoonful , and she scoop all the Francis Bacon off the salad and proceed to eat her meal . I checked on her halfway through ; she was fine and did n’t need anything else . When she finish her food for thought , I asked if there was anything else she want , and she ask for the check and a salad dressing cupful .
" I did n’t think anything unusual of her asking for a fecundation cupful – we made our dressings in - planetary house and they were pretty great , so I fancy she just wanted to bring the remnant of her dress home for late use of goods and services . I picked up one of the small ( 1 oz ) dressing cups and lid , and brought it over with the deterrent . She took the assay , then shake up her head when she saw the diminished cup , ' No no no no , I need a bigger one ! '
" I apologized , and went to grab the larger of our dressing cup ( 3 oz ) , and brought it back to her . She had pay the bill in cash , and she tell me she did n’t need any change . I thanked her , wished her a sound Clarence Shepard Day Jr. , then went to shut down the tabloid ( she had leave me a 20 % tip , which was INCREDIBLY generous of her ) .
" I was order by more silverware when she total up to the rejoinder and asked to see the check again . I obliged of class . She postulate for a pen , which I provided , and ascertain as she throw the check over and quickly scrawled something on the back of it . She slue the assay and the salad grooming cup she had requested across the counter , smile , wink at me , and aver , ' This is if you ever call for more . ' She then picked up her back and walk out .
" I , being 16 , innocent , and uninitiate to everything ever , was altogether confused by this . The busboy and dishwasher were snickering , and asked me what she slid me , probably knowing full well what was going on . I shrug and brought the fertilization container and the cheque into the kitchen with me . I search at the halt , and abruptly realized what had just happened .
" SHE write HER PHONE figure ON THE BACK OF THE BILL . I froze , petrified as the residue of the eating place stave gathered around me . My hands were literally shaking as I pulled the lid off the dressing cupful … now packed hearty with weed . smart out of DARE , I was whole positive that I was gon na be arrested and die because I had partake ' the marijuanas , ' and put up zero ohmic resistance when the rest of the kitchen staff asked if they could split it .
" Looking back , that was a reasonably superb tip . Thank you , stoner stripper . " –Melissa Harkov
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