Go to your local Whole Foods , or any other upper - to - middle - grade market , and stacked on those fluorescent - lit shelves is a salmagundi of dumb , dumb piddle nursing bottle . And we are n’t taking aboutregular bottled waterlike Poland Spring . This is artisanal water , or bougie water as I care to call it : a category of H20 and H20 - like core that are mark , market , and ship to cities and suburbs across America under the guise of being good to your health and/or taste better than the regular stuff . And they have positively set off in popularity in the past half - decade . RememberWhole Foods ' $ 6 Asparagus Watergate ? This is the variety of hokum we ’re talking about .
Some have add electrolytes , some have subtle flavorer , some are straight - up succus they call water for some reason , some have augmented PH level , or added essence , or enhanced alkaline . Some are even just straight up branded as " artisanal water , " in a shocking display of poor self - cognizance . But yeah … they ’re all basically just water system . And I can not , will not , get behind this .
This is a joke, right?
The video recording above is a gag , but the realness is not . I assure you , these piddle are very much a affair . Find the nearest woman wear out Lululemon , she can support .
Why should you care?
Because this is everything that is wrong with the food and tope world , wrapped into ergonomic , vibrant promotional material . These waters , that I have split into three dissimilar categories below , prognosticate health , good taste , and the fortune at being in on the land floor of the future of hydration . It ’s bunk at good , deceitful at worst . This , Mr. Trump , is why China is winning .
Category one: water, with a gimmick
One contains no relish , but has " flower essences . " The other is shipped from a liquified glacier in Norway ( or something ) , one is just piss in a damn carton , and the other is … it does n’t really weigh .
This is complicating water for complicatedness ’s sake . They all savor exactly the same .
Category two: flavored water, or juice that’s called water for some reason
Coconut water is coconut water system , so I ’ll allow it to be while still being sceptical of the societal fervidness around it . Maple Water really taste like liquified flannel-cake , which is obviously fine with me . And " Wtrmln Wtr " tastes like like Citrullus vulgaris succus , which is exactly what it is .
These item , despite the clumsy name , are n’t even really that speculative . They are the most satisfactory kind of bougie water because everybody deserves a little tone in their life-time . ( Have n’t you ever seenHow Stella Got Her Groove Back ? ) But they have no business being judge as " water . "
But then , I check the artichoke water , call ( * * shudder**)Arty , and my whole hypothesis crumbled before me .
Cole Saladino/Thrillist
Category three: health water
This is water with electrolytes , or augment PH stage … aka alkaline weewee . Thelogic hereis that our modern , poor diets increase the acidity in our blood and overall torso stuff and nonsense , which can lead to some serious health complications . This is calledAcidosis . The alkaline water is close to the foundation close of the PH scale of measurement ( remember Chem class ? ! ) , so it helps to regulate and neutralize Elvis levels , like a chill - out collapsible shelter for your body .
But the claimshaveneverreallybeenbackedupbyscience , and usually , scientific discipline hump what ’s up .
The electrolyte water system is hypothecate to give you more energy and more efficient hydration for pick up basketball game and running from park rangers after abduct picnic basket , I guess . I accept it ’s kind of likeGatorade , though I ’m not certain if Gatorade assist you with exercising , because like everyone else , I only wassail it when I ’m hungover .
Cole Saladino/Thrillist
Once we start pimping out our water… what else is left?
Water is a basic chemical element that we ask to pull round . Some inherently beautiful and life - giving thing – like water , air , and theGodfatherParts I and II – are best provide untampered with . These wellness fads shine bright , get some media attention , then burn out faster than Fredo and Michael ’s family relationship ( sorry for the 30 - yr - previous spoiler … ) . recollect of bone broth . Wearing verve watch bracelet . Putting kail into everything . Taking glutenoutof everything . Or any ofthese diets . This whole genre is vaguely based on some pseudo - science , but is driven more out of marketing and hoi polloi ’s need to latch onto movement , than any substantive fact . The fact is , we just terminate up pass our money on thing we ’ll forget about in four months .
To give some perspective , agnise that mighty now , in our own nation , our Golden State is dealing with a drought of unprecedented measuring stick . So here ’s a root : allow ’s buy all these artisanal water , ship them to Cali , and permit them swear out a nobler determination by water Kris Jenner ’s gardenia or wash out some dude from Fresno ’s hindquarters . Or well yet , let ’s care less about augment the PH stratum of our H20 and care more about multitude who do n’t have any water to fuddle in the first place .
If we all keep blindly buying into these unneeded , misleading waters what else are we equal to of ? A Donald Trump photomosaic made of 500 dick pics ?
Cole Saladino/Thrillist
Oh … expect . in reality , that ’s pretty cool .
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Cole Saladino/Thrillist
Cole Saladino/Thrillist
