translate our live recap ofThe Bachelor Season 21 premierethat will update throughout the dark !
It was always obvious that Nick Viall was onThe Bachelorettefor the faulty reason . Now he ’s our next Bachelor , for the right intellect – from ABC ’s perspective , at least : cash money , fan familiarity , above - average height , doing anything to avoid uncertain ratings , and that leather jacket he wears to be tendency - sexy even when they ’re in Barbados . Chase was too boring , Luke was worse , andChad ’s predicted perfumed white potato intake simply was n’t cost - effective . Which meant there was n’t anything leave alone to do except pull a dirty , desperate stunt and anoint Nick . It just might act upon .
But it also essay , ultimately , that this show is n’t about see love , and never has been . Should that come as a monolithic surprise ? Of course not , unless you like M. Night Shyamalan ’s last five movies . ButThe Bachelorhas finally become obvious about it .
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With that in psyche , have ’s run down the reasons why this is the worst decision inBachelorhistory since literally anything Juan Pablo say or did or thought .
Nick’s been given too many chances already, and he’s blown them all
It SEEMED like he came close , but Nick never truly had a chance to lawyer up with Andi – she was always going to pick the hulking jock with a chin as pronounced as hers . And then Nick walk back into Kaitlyn ’s season , loaded with more noesis than anyone ever had . You ’ve for certain been like , " Man , if I could only go back to college with what I get it on now … " Well , Nick went back to college , and he used that noesis to intercourse Kaitlyn beforehand of Fantasy Suite schedule just like he want and still could n’t rip it off in the end – or , more likely , did n’t ever plan to .
Smart people, especially smart people who have seen it all fall apart multiple times, don’t go on this show to find love
They go to manipulate , to get along their careers , to production - place their line of descent of brandmark propeller beanies , and to find that rustle of fame in whatever desultory manner they can . They ’ve lived The Process , and they detest it . But they also realize that if everyone else there is a liiiiittle dull than them and actually seat in said Process , they can twist it to their specific needs . Despite everything terrible about him , Nick is smart . I ’ll bet you anything Nick " needs " to have sex with seven blondes and four brunette and one charwoman with unearthly dyed tomentum . Maybe purple !
Nick is clearly incapable of love, anyway
Nick is an operator , and I do n’t stand for the sort you ca n’t attain when you call the cable’s length company , no matter how many time you lumber zero and scream , " Operatorrrrrrrrrr ! No , I do n’t need to have a faxed transcript of my posting . Operator . " He ’s a dude with a plan and a petty ' fro that everyone made fun of him for when he was growing up . But now he has an overgroomed beard to offset it visually , so he ’s come for all of our women . Except you ca n’t bed them all , with any measure of reality . He has only make out to bang them .
Those things above ? Chris Harrison do it all those things . Which is why the below reasons Nick sustain the gig are the very same reasons that might make this the most watchable time of year since we saw the likes of said villain - Bachelor JP .
He seriously might sleep with double-digit women, and that’s great for ratings
With Kaitlyn , Nick managed to lumber basically the only formally confirm non - Fantasy Suite sexuality - having . And it did n’t even seem that difficult . Now he have it off the show ’s mechanics , plus the place to do such things off - television camera . He ’s also been on twoBachelorseasons and one season ofBachelor in Paradise , which were watched by scores of women dispiritedly empathetic enough to still feel unsound for him . They ’ll come on with full profile of all his take , and need some anyway . Hubba hubba !
He knows how to handle it – and there’s nothing worse than a bad Bachelor running the show
A boring unmarried man is one thing , but that happens almost as a matter of course . One who ca n’t hold in the billet ? beshrew to everything . They need to be able to reveal the unsure girls , keep stride with the nutcase , corral 25 - bass cocktail parties , decipher who ’s lying about what and to whom and why , parcel out with dads who mount up shotguns on their truck , and , FOR THE LOVE OF GOD , SAY SOMETHING FUNNY EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE . I do not personally rule Nick funny at all , but he ’s at least travel to try .
I’ll bet you anything he doesn’t get engaged to either girl in the end
Cut ‘em both ! ! You were too lost ! ! ! There ’s literally no well finish to this show than that . Or an ending that more convincingly proves thatBachelor - love is dead .
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