Bartending can be a tough job . Sure , there are some perks , but dealing with masses full of whiskey all day is about as enjoyable as stress to get to know your mom ’s on - again - off - again boyfriend . luckily , the line also tends to offer plenty of laughs , as evidenced by this collection of loopy stories that we pick from some of the urban center ’s most brave drinking slingers . Enjoy , and recollect : Please drink ( and hold up your life story ) responsibly .
Time to join Match.com
" I was working at a position in Lincoln Park , bartending . This guy cable come in for brunch and say he was meet a Tinder date . I thought that was a scrap sheer for a first escort , but hey , whatever . So , he started off by show me a characterisation of his day of the month , and he was so proud . powerful aside , I was thinking , ' This is n’t a veridical somebody . ' It just looked like a manakin photo , perfectly backlit and everything . Something seemed off .
Of naturally , in walked a girl that looked nothing like the photo . She come in wear this outfit – allow ’s just say that it was too little for her body . She sat down next to the guy , they started talk , and I could separate by the spirit on his face that he was bummed . They ordered bottomless mimosas . This was a error . At one period , he turned around to ask a waitress a inquiry , but when his back was turned , his escort instantly drink down her flute of mimosa , and then hand for the mound and proceeded to chug the whole affair down .
ab initio , he was all surprised that the pitcher was gone , but he quick realise what bump to it . So , I made them another one but put it by him so she could n’t just snaffle it right forth . But she sustain go for that mound , and within 20 hour I had to dish out her chocolate . This girl was a wreck . She then started catch all on the guy . Eventually , when he went to the bathroom , she stole some drink off a nearby mesa .
Anthony Humphreys/Thrillist
When the guy wire came back from the bathroom and notice that his appointment had more drinks , he was like , " Can you facilitate me ? " At that point , she run off to the privy . I think the guy was sound to wait for her to come out and then split . But after a while , we figure out that she had passed out in the bathroom . We had to get a female worker to get to the door , and she was determine passed out on the toilet . This is still brunch time , by the agency . So as this lady was getting physically taken out , she was grabbing drinks off of table and out of people ’s hand , which was a jolly sheer move . finally , we become her outside and order an Uber .
A twelvemonth later on I was bartending at a wholly dissimilar situation . I heard this vox , but I could n’t quite direct it . Then , out of the nook of my eye , I see someone ’s hand seize a tip off the bar . I turned around , and , lo and behold , there she was . She was on another date and I edit out her off immediately . Before we threw her out , we determine her pockets and she just had wads of crumpled - up bills shove in there . “-John L. , Lincoln Park
Next stop:Fear Factor
" One Nox , this gentleman was hanging at the ginmill . He was reasonably tipsy and ordered a PBR as he was complete his honest-to-god one . A sober miss standing near him was staring at me , look for me to serve her . The guy drank the remainder of his PBR , but then threw up a little in the can . Obviously , pretty gross . Me and the lady friend saw everything , and then I grabbed a unexampled PBR and told the guy that he was contract off . ( All of this befall pretty quickly . )
Before I had a chance to take hold of the vomit - filled PBR , a random lady had just taken a shooting , grab say PBR , and took a bad draft . Sober girl and I part yelling , " Noooooo ! " but we were n’t flying enough . Fortunately ( or alas , I estimate ) , she just shake her top dog and danced back to the floor . She did n’t even fuck . What a champ . “-Emily M. , Logan Square
" I ’m always stunned at the amount of citizenry that try and have sexuality in a nasty bathroom . "
I’ll have whathe’shaving
" One time at the prevention , there was this sorta weird , twitchy guy who was sitting at the legal profession having a drink , minding his own business . He had a duffel bag with him , and he must ’ve had it pay heed from one of the hooks attach underneath the barroom . People often stop by the bar before or after their flight at O’Hare , so it did n’t look out of stead or anything . Somehow he knocked the cup of tea off and it reach the base , spilling out its contents : five or six huge dildo and vibrators . I kid you not .
The woman next to him bent down to help him pick up his belongings , but when she realized what it all was , she set forth screaming . She just freaked out ! He collected everything in a frenzy , went outside , and shuffled through the bag on the patio . But here ’s the unearthly part : Amazingly , he walk back into the bar while oblige one of the dildo , wait around like a lunatic . One of the barkeep run around the bar and walked him out . It was pretty gonzo . “-Greg M. , Logan Square
Say hello to my little friend
" I used to work at a saloon in Lakeview owned by this crazy Irishman . He was moderately quondam - school , and hated when people would do cocaine in the bath . So , he started spray down surfaces in the can with WD-40 , which apparently ruins cocaine by make it congeal . It ’s a literal thing , look it up . People would sometimes get along out of the bathroom livid that all their expensive cocaine was destroyed , but what were they going to do ? It ’s not like you could sue for that . And of course , the owner would laugh his butt off at them and then kick them out of the bar . “-Sean F. , Lakeview
Don’t tread on me
" For a while , my barback and I would work the Browning automatic rifle on Tuesdays , and it was n’t always busy . So , we would get weird with it and one-sidedly turn Tuesday into Camo Tuesdays . We would only playRambomovies on the TVs , dress in camo , and sell camo cans of Old Milwaukee on special for a buck each . We did n’t ask the direction about any of this . Our boss never came in on Tuesdays , but of course , he showed up one random day . He was like , ' What the Inferno is this ? '
We just pronounce that we thought ' this was a company affair , ' which does n’t really make sense any way you slice it . He just leave . Except , it turned out that the boss was a old hand , so on the follow Camo Tuesday he shew up with some of his military champion . The cake was n’t too busy , so they spent the nighttime yelling at us , call us ' soldier , ' ordering ridiculous drinking , telling us to ' drop and give me 20 , ' and generally making things difficult . It was pretty hilarious , but we did n’t do Camo Tuesdays after that . “-Kelley S. , Logan Square
" My favorite story is really eldritch . It involved a dame who broke into an area behind the taproom , got nude , and eventually pinch into the owner ’s living area . "
Caution: slippery when wet
" Most of the time , bartenders just find multitude fighting , drinking too much , sick , falling asleep , and then hear to convert you that they were n’t asleep , or not eff how to use lavatory . However , I ’m always stunned at the amount of people that render and have sex in a filthy toilet . Like , there ’s a ripe hazard instant ago someone was boning on the very can that you ’re using .
One clip , I had this couple come and they were getting pretty promiscuous . The woman was married , the guy cable was not . And he was trying so hard with her . He was feeding her John Barleycorn all nighttime , getting all close-fitting on her , lots of contact , material slimeball stuff . So eventually I realized that both of them were fail and it had been a small too long . Of course , I told the server to check in the bathroom and she come back say that they were in there .
So I perish into the ladies ' room and they were in the handicap stall , going at it . Pretty much same ol' song and dance , except I saw that all their clothes were on the floor . As in , both these masses were spare - ass naked in the toilet of this bar . I started yell at them , ' You ca n’t fuck in my john ! Get your apparel on and get the ass out ! ' I sound behind the bar , and when they come out of the bathroom , the cleaning woman looked mortified . But the guy , he did n’t care , and they sat back down at their John Wilkes Booth and seek to order another troll .
I had to leave the bar again to inform this dude that they could n’t drink anymore and that they had to leave . The bozo buzz off defensive and asked why they had to leave . So , in a hushed voice , I asked him if he want the whole stripe to know what was going on in the bathroom . At this point , the woman was pretty much about quick to tear his arm off . The hombre give me the destruction glare , but they paid and stumble off into the nighttime .
I saw them both about three week afterwards . They were nice as pie . No laughable business . So weird , but it ’s all the clothes on the bathroom floor that really start out me . “-Benny K. , University Village
Is that cranberry juice?
" One time I was bartending and I find a fight where two Tommy Bahama dudes were arguing at the streak . You know , the type with khaki shorts and loose Hawaiian - photographic print shirts . mayhap they had a rough day at the golf game grade or something . in any case , they were indicate and suddenly one guy wire grabbed a pretty expensive glass of wine and just smash up it into the other guy rope ’s typeface . Just , blammo ! It was like something out ofThe set out .
Of course , Methedrine go everywhere , but a art object broke off and get beat in the guy ’s os frontale above his eyebrow . Before I could tell him not to remove it , he pulled it out . defective idea , since it basically was dissemble as a plug to check the bleeding . profligate started conk out everywhere . At first , it actually squirted , and someone started screaming . I grabbed a bunch of napkins and pressed them hard on the cut while someone else hollo for an ambulance . He belike had to get a few stitches for that one . As for the other guy wire ? He run off in all the hoo-hah . I drop by the wayside a few weeks later . “-Graham D. , Bucktown
No-pants party
" I ’ve seen some crazy stuff working in bar : engagement , domesticated ferocity , nudeness , drugs , unneeded crying . I will say that fratty bros love to grab puddle sticks and play airwave guitar with them , and they also bed to compare bartenders to jock . I once get wind a fellow barkeeper get lambasted for expect like [ former NBA player ] Kevin McHale , and that was awful . Another guy repeatedly said ' right on ' for an 60 minutes . A woman once say she left a mess in the ' candy corner , ' which is code for the tampon disposal box , located in the women ’s public convenience . One guy rope strike on cleaning woman all night by saying his daddy cook up the concept of billboards . A few actually seemed receptive .
My favored tale is really unearthly . It involved a lady who broke into an area behind the bar , got defenseless , and finally snuck into the owner ’s sustenance area . She passed out in the manor hall , crawled into the toilet , bull came , and she roared out of the bathroom ( defenseless ) like the ghost fromThe Ringcoming out of a well . Then some gallant , claiming to be her husband , came in and tell he thought she might be there . The cop swan they ’re together , escorted them out , and they vanished into the Nox . She allow wrapped in one of our towels . “-Frank B. , South Loop
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