As someone who was born and raised in the 305 , I never imagined that , at 28 , I ’d still be here . Yet here I am , withno plans of escapeanytime presently . As much as I complain about its ugly humidness , lamentable traffic , andweird go steady fit , I ’m deeply in dear with this sink of insanity we call the Magic City . And I ’m willing to wager that if you ’re reading this , so are you . So no matter how intemperately we try , Miami , here ’s a lean of all the reasonableness so many of us just ca n’t seem to drop out you :
Your irrational weather (that we thankfully never need a coat for)
Sometimes you ’re 80 degrees and sunny , and sometimes you have hurricane that pass over out entire neighborhood . Sometimes both those affair take place on the same day . Your weather condition is definitely bipolar , but we can also prevail on the beach ( in short ! ) in February , never have to purchase winter coats , and drop a good five months of the year rub it in the case of the residual of the country .
Your endless array of bizarre news stories that never cease to entertain
The bathroom salts guy rope who wipe out the bare guy ’s facial expression . Guys hiding cocaine in their butt . Alligators in backyard . Most ofthese . Living here score us invariably rethink ever leave alone our houses . But in terms of reality video , the Emmy goes to … the full cast of the 305 .
Your baffling mix of families, outlaws, and ethnicities
Anyone who visits Miami will tell apart you that , as entertaining as we might be , our people are the bad ( and , in lawful Miami fashion , most of us also “ leeeterally ” could n’t care less ) . But what we miss in vulgar courtesy , we make up for in culture . Miami is a melting pot of South Americans , Cubans , other Hispanic people , bloodless Jewish people , Northerner looking to miss to the coldness , all the daughter in that “ Shit Miami People Say ” picture , more Cubans , recently divorced pa who want to have merriment , Pitbull , B - list celebrities who are Friend with Pitbull , and Enrique Iglesias . It ’s puzzling for anyone not from Miami , but it lay down for one hell of a Nochebuena .
Your pulsating siren song
From the South Beach Wine & Food Festival , to Art Basel , Ultra Music Festival , Winter Music Conference , the South Beach Comedy Festival , and any other reason to take to the woods a NYC wintertime , the great unwashed all over the humanity add up here to eat , party , do fancy art thing , and get a taste of the practiced life history .
Your ability to make it seem like partying ‘til dawn is normal
We Miamians know pretty much anything goes here . A - n - y - t - h - i - n - g. privation to party ‘ til 4 am on a Wednesday ? Go to LIV . Want to drink piña coladas at 8 am and pass out on the beach ? We ’ll join you . Want to sprain up on a Tuesday with your mom and Justin Beiber , find yourself at a Nikki Beach party with Rick Ross , and terminate up doing a cameo on some vitamin E ! realness show before driving away in someone else ’s Maserati ? You ’re in the ripe place .
Your unwavering commitment to serving the best late-night munchies
Serious interrogative sentence : where else in the cosmos can you get authentic back - alleyway pastelitos at 3 am ? Whether you desire Casola ’s pizza pie in the other hour of the morning , your daily cortadito at 3:05pm , Pollo Tropical for breakfast , lunch , and dinner party , or a “ Sausage Chubbie ” after midnight ( we ’re only referring to Los Perros ) , whatever your craving , it can be satisfied any time of day .
Your obnoxious yet loosely defined dress code
There ’s no denying that South Beach is all about who and what you ’re wearing . But come down to the mainland , andrealMiamians know that reliable Magic City fashion entail there will always be someone dress worse than you . Throw your dress on at heart out and pair it with Crocs , and you ’ll still be pageant queen compared to the girl in rip Daisy Dukes walking “ pata sucia ” down Kendall Dr. ( And there ’s always someone walk " pata sucia " down Kendall Dr. )
Your unapologetic weirdness
We pledge Cuban coffee ( read : liquid cocain ) like it ’s nothing . We snog stranger on the cheek . We fall apart flip - flops wherever and whenever we desire . We do n’t believe in ram with blinder or lane line . We have our own sensory faculty of metre , and it ’s a half 60 minutes after than anyone else . When sports team win championship , we halt dealings to operate through the street lie with pots and pans . We ’re unlike anywhere else in the globe .
Your lingo that no one else in the world understands
Pero liiiiike … que bola , bro ? Part of the magic of the Miami is that we have a suuuuuperMiami - only voice communication . Like saying “ suuuuuper ” instead of “ super , ” and taking Spanglish to a whole raw level of strange . We also make up lyric like “ irregardless ” and “ supposably , ” and have “ getties ” instead of get - togethers . White masses pretty much “ ca n’t even ” everyday , and you screw it ’s a party when your Cuban grandmother starts to yell “ DALE . ” It takes weeks for visitor to even begin to pick up on , but for us Miamians , ya tu sabes . And dasit .
Your world-class beaches
If there ’s anything we ’re known for , it ’s our beaches . Here in Miami , a beach is more than sand and an sea . It ’s its own city . In fact , when we hear “ rent ’s go to South Beach ” at 8 am on a Saturday , 80 % of the clip we assume you mean for club later that night . During daylight , though , we have backbone , waves , beach volleyball game , beautiful people - watching , and medallion tree for twenty-four hours – and we jazz how favourable we are to have it mightily in our own backyard .
Your really ridiculously good-looking people
Need I say more ?
Sign up herefor our daily Miami email and be the first to get all the food / drink / fun in Ithiel Town .
Jennifer Agressis a Miami - based author who hollo “ dale ” because she “ ca n’t even . ” Irregardless , follow her on Instagram at@jenniferagress .
Flickr/Olf:P
Flickr/Jonathan Piccolo
Courtesy of Pollo Tropical
Flickr/Chris Goldberg
Flickr/Tydence Davis
