When I kick the bucket , bury me in koozies . I ’m josh , of course , but really , I have intercourse the picayune guys . The colorful potable sweaters endure for all things summer fun : outdoor drinking , puddle parties , backyard cookouts , and ( duh ) beer . You know what ? I love beer . I drink in it all the time . And let me tell you , you drink enough of the poppycock and you too will wind up with quite a koozy collection . finally you ’ll get yourself in my slippers , standing alone in your dingy , unattended kitchen , rooting through knickers in lookup of a meat thermometer or slotted pasta spoonful and , surprisal , surprise , all you ’ll descend across is koozy after koozy , overindulge inside every crumby crevice , heap onto every sticky ledge . And then suddenly , with each hand stuff mitten - like into a cozy foam sleeve , you ’ll call for yourself , " Do these things even work , though ? "
Seriously , do koozies in reality keep your precious beer chilly on a hot day ? Or are they merely foam hoarding for your best-loved MLB team , your Zazzle.com - obsessed Quaker ’s unmarried man party , or Florida ’s gameboard of tourism ? I just had to get to the bottom of this .
The experiment
To keep things just , I perform this 1,000 % very scientific and official experimentation using three different portable drinking vessels : a regular 12 oz can , a 16 oz highboy , and a 12 oz bottleful , each vessel swathe in its own specifically designated , perfectly sized koozy . For brews , I went with two lighter lagers and a semi - dry hard cyder , all depleted - alcohol , quick - weather styles well consumed cold , quick , and while poke fun under a hot , hot sun .
All the beers started their day cool down at a nerveless 38 - 40 level inside Thrillist ’s trustworthy part fridge . When the time come , I diapered one and let the other go commando , crack them open , popped them in a loge , and head down to the street , fending off hungry passersby and stamp pad - tapping constabulary with an innocent smiling , a alert eye , and a tight grip . It ’s July , so at 2:30pm , Downtown Manhattan was a balmy 92 degrees with no breeze – fantabulous can - sweating weather .
After about 30 minutes spent schvitzing on the stoep – about the time it would take a person to blow through one beer at a leisurely pace ( or , in my case , one podcast / two American Spirits ) – I toted the babies upstairs , try a few sip of each , and tape my findings …
Cole Saladino/Thrillist
The regular can
Koozied : The first thing I noticed was the temperature : unexpectedly strong , like jump into a het consortium on a hot day . The hop notice moved into the vanguard , grow a syrupy , lingering acrimony that just did n’t jive with the trend ’s signature tune crispiness . On the positive side , the beer maintained a decent level of carbonation , which really help soften the skunky reverse .
ranger : A half - 60 minutes in the heat and this hapless beer went from one of the best Pils I ’ve savour in years to a mouthful of lukewarm spittle . The un - koozied translation drank a tad warmer , but not by much . The independent difference was the bubble – or lack thereof . It drank flatter and quite a bit more weak than its blanketed counterpart , like some kidskin accidentally turned a hosepipe on it . It was n’t altogether terrible , but it was by no means a pleasant experience .
The winner : The koozied beer was good , but negligibly so .
Flickr/Jamie C2009
The tallboy
Koozied : When I rescued this guy from its gorgeously designed royal - blue and orange case , it was just slightly cooler than room temperature – not bad for 30 minutes spent soak up pavement steam . And for a beer I unremarkably like to drink tooth - achingly frigid , I was surprised to find that it was n’t terrible . It was n’t as easy - drink as it could ’ve been , sure , but the carbonation level remained passable and I could only detect a passing puff of air of skunk .
Commando : Damn , that was some flat - ass beer . To be reliable , it was systematically balanced on the palate throughout and I fetch a tactual sensation of carbonation on the finish . I just could n’t get down with that weak business , though – it was n’t as bad as I bear , but it was n’t great either .
The winner : Old koozy strikes again !
Cole Saladino/Thrillist
The bottle
Koozied : Alright , alright , alright ! Now we ’re falsify with gas . Buster Posey and the gang must have defended this bottle well , because it was by all odds the cold yet . I ’m not sound out it was ice - insensate , but the temperature change was insidious enough to garner this guy 100 % drinkable , refresh even . It flattened out at the terminal , but its relatively impregnable carbonation grade up until then adequately made up for the drop - off .
Commando : The condensation dripping off the feeding bottle recite me everything I necessitate to sleep together about how well this puppy fared during its outdoor escapade . It was much warmer than its protect brother , get back in around room temperature , with a scantily detectable house of cards situation and a foreign , lingering tartness that made my jaw clench . No thanks .
The winner : The koooooze , by far
Cole Saladino/Thrillist
Conclusions
Dang , dude , these dumb beauties do work ! apparently , their effectiveness level differs depending on several factor , including packaging textile ( i.e. , can vs. bottle ) and time expend in hired hand / on mouth ( something we were n’t able to assess since drinking outside is legally frowned upon here in the vainglorious metropolis ) , but I was able-bodied to approximate a noticeable remainder in each test case . The takeaway ? Stock up , fellow drinkers , because the only high-risk beer is a hot beer .
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Cole Saladino/Thrillist
Flickr/Amie Fedora
