Living in Austin is moderately much paradise , but dating in Austin ? Well , that ’s a different story . In fact , even the termdatingmight be a little generous . So instead of deem this a list of the the great unwashed you ’ll date in Austin , rent ’s call it a catalogue of types you ’re designate to swipe right on , meet for drinks , maybe hook up with , and then awkwardly avoid for the residue of your life .
Romance language , y’ all . Romance .
- preeminence : Musicians and those in the euphony industry were intentionally omitted because this is Austin … and everyone ’s a “ musician ” or “ in the euphony diligence . ”
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The CrossFitter
Brett , 29Neighborhood : Within lunging distance of that service department that ’s been converted into a CrossFit ™ gym … no , the other one … no , theotherone
After chatting shortly at a mutual friend ’s birthday party , you decide his power to workbench - closet youmightoutweigh the fact that you ’re 100 % sure none of his shirt have sleeves . You decide not to conform to him on social media so the inevitable gymnasium bank check - ins and # praseodymium posts do n’t turn you off before you even attend out .
The first date : A pilgrimage to My Fit Foods or that place that , hey , I heard has paleo alternative . You look up to that he ’s demonstrated commitment at least in the dietetic sense , but get to question your decision when he issue you off mid - sentence to inquire about the kilogram calorie count of steamed cauliflower for his food for thought diary app .
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The inevitable breakup : After suffering through six week of lectures on the evils of gluten , you finally rupture when he nominate a peaceful fast-growing remark about your croutons at the Central Market salad bar . You contemplate breaking a baguette over homeboy ’s bicep and , in a in particular dark minute , find yourself scream , “ DO YOU EVEN LIFT , BRO ? ! ”
After getting plain out of a food market store , you mutually decide to go your separate way ( him hit the barbells … you hitting , uh , the bar ) . Then you enjoy carbs guilt - gratuitous for the first time since your first date , and do the altogether born , totally fledged affair : pray he gets juicy .
The Package Deal
Britney , 25Neighborhood : SoCo
You first cross paths with Britney at J. Blacks , and then run for into her at The Ranch and finally Dogwood , so you know there ’s a high power … or at least propinquity … at shimmer . You offer to grease one’s palms her a shot and somehow get suckered into purchase them for five of her friend as well . After they all go to the bathroom together , you panic , wondering if you ’ll be capable to separate light-haired from light-haired , Britney from Brittany … and Britneigh and Whitney . Then you realize that it does n’t really weigh .
The first appointment : She pick the place … and everything else . After dinner at Uchi , you head back to Dogwood , where you ’re surprised to detect all of her Friend . You endeavor to enter in the conversation , but you have n’t watchedThe Bachelorsince the Juan Pablo time of year , and therefore do n’t really have anything to contribute . While you could probably go away to meet your acquaintance at Star Bar without anyone noticing , you waitress it out in hopes that your patience … and those Moscow Mules … help you seal the mountain .
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The Inevitable Breakup : At one of the many grouping brunch you ’re pull to see at Trace or Taverna , one of the other Britneys look up from her gold iPhone and references a very specific sex move that you whole tried out with your Britney last weekend . It soon emerges that everything you ’ve done , read , or sent has been shared via radical text and that every single one of them has the power to perfectly imitate your group O - face . You ’re perceptibly tempestuous , but before you have the chance to say anything , they all withdraw to the bathroom and take a vote , and Britney comes back and breaks up with you .
The Actual Hippie
Spirit , 41Neighborhood : Hyde Park
You recognize each other from across the shore at Hippie Hollow . This is your first time here , and you ’re not quite unfearing enough to throw your bottoms , but you admire the fact that Spirit is not only comfortable enough to publicize his knobbed man bush , but to touch in nude Tai Chi . After 12 minute of conversation , you learn your astrological sign are entirely compatible so , really , what could go wrong ?
The first escort : You’d hoped to go out to an actual eatery , but he has dishwashing duties at the Centennial State - op on Wednesdays , so instead you head to his position , where you fume locoweed with some dude named Topaz , mind to stories about Burning Man back in the day , and attempt to be nerveless sharing a couch with the naked couple in the living room .
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The inevitable separation : While at first you admired his “ all - organic ” approach to , uh , everything , after three calendar month , the want of deodourant just is n’t cut it . Plus , you ’re beginning to unravel out of restaurant where shoes and shirts are optional .
He seems upset , but not fall - himself - with - his - slackline upset , and – for karma purpose – you anonymously send him a stick of Degree via Amazon Prime as a leave endowment .
The Recruiter
Jennifer , 38Neighborhood : Mueller
You receive a presentment that someone has view your LinkedIn profile , and moments subsequently Jennifer e-mail you about an “ awesome chance ” that she thinks you ’d be a “ consummate fit for . ” Given your desire to explore pick in your field and grow professionally and the fact she looks completely hot in her headshot you message her back telling her you ’d love to hear more .
The first date : Coffee during your lunch gap . It ’s technically more of a meeting , but as she continues to congratulate your scope , acquisition , and experience , your ego – along with something else – begin to swell , and you pop to wonder if her postulation to connect on LinkedIn could develop into a honey connection . Whether it ’s the three extra shots she put in her caffe latte or her actual personality , she ’s pretty fast-growing and take you get on a phone interview that afternoon . By the time the hour is over , she ’s also recruited you for another position : swain .
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The Inevitable Breakup : You worry like you climb up into this new job and relationship really promptly , and honestly you feel pretty unfulfilled in both . When she accuse you of commitment issues , you ’re not certain whether she saw Monster.com or OKCupid in your web browser chronicle , but have a nobble suspicion that she ’s more worried about professional than personal loyalty . You put in your two - week ’s notice at work , and she straight off fires you from the relationship .
The Pedicab Driver
Jade , 36Neighborhood : Still - Affordable East Side
It ’s 9 pm on the second nighttime of Eurphoria , and you would sell your first - born to avoid walking one more footmark . as luck would have it , there ’s a pipeline of pedicab drivers ready and willing to take vantage of the stumbling , tired , and lazy . While Jade kind of looks like he has n’t bathe in a few day and is , without doubt , incredibly stoned , his facial hair and ratty T - shirt are hot in an IDGAF room , and the agency he effortlessly hauls your body weight up the J. J. Hill makes you experience beautiful and free in a agency you ’ve never experienced …
Or maybe that ’s just the remnants of some adulterous fete entertainment still in your system , who make out .
Alfie Photography / Shutterstock.com
The first escort : Sure , there was technically some cash exchanged , but that magical moonlit drive through downtown that brought you two together was oddly animal , and you insist on tag it as escort – namely , to justify the fact you all banged him in the pedicab warehouse afterwards that night .
The inevitable breakup : After making $ 3,000 during South By , he upgrade to a used Camry , starts Ubering , and never shout you again . Somewhat discomfited , you take consolation in the fact that , at the very least , his calf muscular tissue have probably lost some serious definition .
The Unapologetic Gentrifier
Lindsay , 32Neighborhood : Trendy , Expensive East Side
Lindsay leave her affluent family behind in Dallas to quest for a job in PR that she got from an affluent friend of said affluent menage . Although she lives in the kind of monumental , glazed , recently erected concrete box that you constantly quetch about , her splashiness is kind of cunning . Plus you heard her place has a really unbalanced puddle .
The first date : You meet at a young café that gas vegan pastry , a sweet survival of craft beer , and fair - trade coffee that , reasonably ironically , comes from the same region as the person whose piñata store was latterly bulldozed across the street . After passing a panhandler , Lindsay launches into a 45 - minute claptrap on how the homeless just need to work out hard like the rest of us .
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You bite your tongue and do n’t mention her combine fund .
The inevitable separation : Again , it ’s a earnestly rad pocket billiards , but you still have some loaf concerns about the prejudicial effects of Austin ’s eastbound enlargement . You try and adopt an “ if you ca n’t beat ‘ em , string up out at their vintage - store - ejaculate - café ” attitude and embrace the city ’s changes with unresolved – albeit super - livid – weapon , but the moreAustin Chroniclearticles you show , the guiltier you feel enjoying that phenomenal Gallic closet in a daub formerly occupied by a seventh - generation Austinite and her four Kyd .
You broach the topic with Lindsay , and one argument with uncomfortably anti-Semite tinge later , your relationship – much like that piñata entrepot – is no more .
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The Promoter
Trey , 31Neighborhood : East Riverside
You first cross paths on the sidewalk outside Krave where , in the down in the mouth - unhorse glow , he thrusts a neon - imbue leaflet ad some party into your hand . You normally know better than to give guy your routine on Dirty Sixth , but he promises he ’ll waive the $ 10 top if you convey 14 other girls with you , and in your current Department of State , this sounds like a pretty sweet deal . He texts you at 4 am and , half - conscious , you agree to go out with him .
The first date : His car is fill up with boxes of flyer and ca n’t sit down two , so you correspond to meet him at his flat at University land and endeavor to convince yourself it ’s not eldritch that he lives with college kids . Upon his insistence , you take a few shots of whipped cream - flavored vodka before head out . You end up at a sleazy spot with no discernible name , and he initiates an elaborate handshake - squeeze interaction with every individual working there and then orders multiple rounds of shot lie in of whisky and , base on the feeling and taste , green poison . They are , of course , “ on the business firm for you , brotha . ”
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The inevitable breakup : When you forget to reply a text one Tuesday , he accuses you of using him for gratis drinks . You view explaining that a $ 4 bottle of Wycliff does n’t constitute feeding bottle serve and that you would quite literally slit your wrists before going to another bar with a name like Krimzon Lounge , but – after imagining the newspaper cuts he could easily inflict with 10,000 fliers – just decide you ’ll stave off him by never , ever going to Sixth St again .
The Grad Student
Anastasia , 28Neighborhood : North Campus
You meet her at Spider House , where she ’s been camped out with her laptop , alternate coffee and butt and working on her thesis for the last four hours . When the furious typing pauses for a bit , you cautiously draw near and ask if you’re able to partake a table so you’re able to stop up in your laptop . You terminate up chatting , and it turns out you two have a mountain in common : a passion for travel , a erotic love of Kafka and Kerouac , and , of course , incapacitating sum of student debt .
The first date : You know you ca n’t win her over with beer and burgers , so you step up the sophistry and take her to a wine bar with tapas . As the Malbec flow , you talk art , lit , and philosophy and learn more about her hopes , her dreams and – about halfway into the 2nd feeding bottle – the years she drop “ experimenting ” in undergrad . You ’re incredibly turned on … by her mental lexicon , of course .
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The inevitable dissolution : All the cultural and cerebral stimulant finally transition from exciting to exhausting and while , yeah , you wish book , sometimes you just require to talk basketball game . You start fibbing about actually watching the foreign moving-picture show she recommends , and when she findsAnchormanin your Netflix queue whereAmélieshould be , le shit hits le fanand she storm out .
The Tech Bro
Nathan , 23Neighborhood : business district
You run into him at Gibson Bar , where he ’s attending the well-chosen hour of some digital meet - up group , and straightaway find it brisk to talk to a guy who did n’t peak in high shoal . While his social skills are less than fabled , produce six figures right out of college has bestow upon him a cool sureness that belies the fact that he lose his virginity approximately a calendar week ago . He thinks of himself as the next Mark Zuckerberg , and you volitionally secure your number into one of his three iPhones .
The first date : Ignoring that he makes an absurd amount of money , he convince you to meet at the government agency of the startup where he put to work to take advantage of the stocked beer electric refrigerator . You put back a few while pose in beanbag chair , let him feel you up in one of the companionship nap pods , and wonder if the NDA you signed at the door nix you from mouth about this experience later .
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The inevitable dissolution : You begin to get sick of dates consist of free lunches at his workplace , and while your ping - pong game has improved dramatically , if you hear the word “ innovate ” one more meter , you might give one of those hideous ergonomic chairs out the window . Even though you ’re not interested in the S - east - X , you seek to have got out for S - X - S - W and interbreed your finger’s breadth that this non - platonic relationship results in a platinum badge .
Unfortunately , he ends up actuate to work in his company ’s San Francisco HQ a month before South By , leaving you with nothing but memories … plus half a twelve hoodies emblazoned with his company logotype .
The Serial (Online) Dater
Sarah , 27Neighborhood : Based on all the apps , four - miles by from you
After matching on OKCupid , Tinder , Hinge , Happn , and Bumble , you adjudicate that fate ( or at least some earnestly effective algorithms ) make really meeting this chick a necessity – for process - of - elimination purposes , at the very least .
The first date : She suggest a drink at her neighborhood bar , and when she ’s in the privy , the bartender breaks his vow of muteness and break he ’s seen her bring piles of dates here within the last year . Despite this news program , the date get astonishingly well – as one in 10 Internet - initiate dates run to – and she invites you back to her place ( located conveniently around the block ) to listen to that dance band you both love . It ends , uh , the same path one in 10 cyberspace - initiate dates lean to .
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The inevitable breakup : You notice one twenty-four hours that she ’s enigmatically disappeared from your listing of matches , which , you make up one’s mind , intelligibly mean she ’s not dating anyone else . Despite the fact that she did n’t squall “ HUSBAND ! ” when you threw out the typical “ What are you looking for ? ” question , as a paranoid human with clear committedness return , you occupy she ’s arrive too seize , so you do the mature affair : melt .
A few months subsequently , you get word through the grapevine that she find Jesus … which is in reality just the name of the boyfriend she met via Christian Mingle .
The Over-Enthusiastic Alum
Doug , 34Neighborhood : Manor ( or anywhere walking distance of DKR )
Doug ’s just a hearty hombre who loves nothing more than he love the Longhorns . You encounter on a Saturday dark at Plucker ’s after Texas has just won their first place game , and after exchanging what feels like 400 mellow pentad , he gallantly offers you a coupon for five free wing ( foreshadowing what will become your elementary food group for months to come ) .
The first date : A tailgate , obviously . You never thought you ’d retrieve yourself ingrain by keg - tie-up science , but when everyone ’s chanting “ Doug ! Doug ! Doug ! ” as he guzzles down lukewarm lager beer at 11 am , you get caught up in the excitement and forget that he has a entire papa bod and is over a decade older than the kids currently holding him up and turn back .
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The inevitable dissolution : A few month into football time of year , you ask over him to be your date to a wedding party , take there couldn’tpossiblybe Texas - themed formalwear ( you ’re wrong ) . It happens to be the Horns ’ bismuth - week , so he agrees to tag along . However , when he goes to the bathroom and does n’t come back for 45 minute because he ’s watch Big 12 highlight on the lavatory to “ keep tabs on the competition , ” you face the reality that , while he adores you , he definitely nurse stronger feelings for , uh , Charlie Strong .
You return every piece of rhinestone - encrusted UT apparel he ’s given him .
The Lake Rat
Crystal , 23Neighborhood : San Marcos , actually
The magic chance Memorial Day weekend when your boats are tethered together at Devil ’s Cove . You congratulate her stomach button chain , and she asks if you ’ll take a moving picture of her and her protagonist posing provocatively with plastic , jello - shot - filled syringes . A few hr , a frightening amount of Fireball , and way - too - many Pitbull songs later , you paddle your way over to her noodle , where you enjoy a sloppy makeout school term skirt by float empty beer hindquarters .
The first particular date : You worry you wo n’t even recognize her full clothed , but fortunately , the outfit she ’s wearing when you cull her up does n’t come remotely nigh to qualifying . For a date address , she suggests Twin Peaks , and when you arrive and are recognise by a chorus of girls squealing " Crystalllllllll!!!!!!!!!!“it becomes quite manifest that she actually works there . Never one to kvetch about discounted beer and cheap mozzarella cheeseflower bites , you hug her protagonist hello because you ’re a valet de chambre , of course , and taste to deviate your eye from all the exposed cleavage being stuff in your cheek .
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The Inevitable Breakup : While you may have cope with her on a gravy holder , you do n’t own a gravy boat , which immediately puts you at a pretty distinct disadvantage . She heads to Lake Travis every Saturday and explains that she would entirely pay for you , but Brad , Armando , and Rich – three gravy boat - owning guy wire who you ’re convinced are a little too old and a little too creepy – would “ be weird about it . ” After seeing a few too many exposed nipples on her Snapchat story , you move onto tamer , more country - lock peeress … and she finally scores a world show on Bravo .
The Overly Competitive Social Athlete
Dustin , 30Neighborhood : Travis Heights … where he populate with a bro / mate advert Travis
Whether he ’s reliving his high - school glory days at flag football , showing off his college - win toss - cup skills post - kickball , or just being kind of a douche at dodgeball , Dustin lives and breathe societal sports – and he has the Facebook profile movie and T - shirts to prove it . peradventure it ’s some kind of primal instinct , but you ca n’t help but witness his ability to train other semi - in - shape bros in grit volleyball game weirdly attractive . In the parking lot after one plot , you happen upon up a conversation , and it becomes pretty evident you ’re both looking to hit .
The first engagement : Homeboy ’s social sports schedule means he ’s basically booked every eventide , but he invites you to watch his association football game on Wednesday . After they gain , you fall in him and the rest of the pinkish thyroxin - ornament dude on Ballz Deep ( his fraternity buddy from back in the day ) to redeem their victory pitcher at Doc ’s . When he gets too drunk to drive , you end up taking him home , and then spend the rest of the dark question if you were really his engagement or just his designated driver .
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The inevitable separation : At T - shirt pickup truck next season , you ’re surprised to notice that you have n’t just acquired six new female teammates , but apparently six eskimo sisters as well . It ’s at this point that you realize this league might be a bit too incestuous for your liking , and that Dustin is probably playing the field in every sense of the parole .
Damn shame , though … he look really good in a bandana .
The Confused Cowboy
Cale , 29Neighborhood : He commute from Kyle , TX
You ’ve been listen to a luck of Josh Abbott Band lately , and decide that maybe you oughta test dating a gracious area guy wire . You sweep up a strict policy of only right - lift men whose profiles include photos of them fishing , tire rodeo rider boots and/or displaying a giant whang buckle . A little while subsequently , the Tinder energy notification appears : you ’ve lasso yourself a bona fide state bachelor .
The first date : Cale not only want to show you a good meter – he desire to show off . Unfortunately , there are no rodeo venues nearby where he can demonstrate his barrel racing art , so alternatively he take you to the Broken Spoke to show off his two - stepping skill . The closest you typically get to dancing a real honky - tonk is staying at The White Horse until closing clip , but Cale ’s mama ( whom he ’ll mention more or less 27 fourth dimension that nighttime ) lift him justly , and he ’s a phenomenal Pb . For the first time in what feels like forever , you remember that , oh yeah , you actually live in Texas .
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The inevitable dissolution : you may take the boy out of the country , but you ca n’t take the country out of the son , and when his kinsperson ’s in townspeople and he ’s being extra flirty with some plaid - clad broad constitute Paisley , you find you have to give a rare and rather inauspicious ultimatum : It ’s me … or your cousin-german .
Ca n’t say you saw that one coming .
The Festival Fling
Sophie , 22Neighborhood : Zilker
While Sophie may visualize herself a detached emotional state , she ’s really more destitute People , and no flower crown can conceal the obvious fact that she ’s totally just in it for the Insta . That being said , you ’re looking rathermanthropologie yourself this ACL weekend , and since picking up girls at Mumford and Sons is like shooting Pisces the Fishes in a drum , you stroll over and do the gallant festival thing : need if she ’d like to ride on your articulatio humeri so she can see the point .
The first day of the month : Before set forth way post - Mumford the nighttime before , you ’d prognosticate to meet the next day at 2 promethium at the beer tent . After wandering around , sans cell service , pound off $ 9 IPAs for an hour and a half , you last tell apart a feather - shaped flash tackiness glinting in the Sunday and see her look in line for food . You gallantly buy her a falafel and proceed to the Samsung stage , where the Lana Del Rey du jour is presently performing . A few hour later , you go back to her flat , which conveniently boasts a prospect of the park , and see the headliner from her balcony .
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The inevitable detachment : It turns out that 2.5 days of crapulence , dancing , and smoking together is n’t really the kind of association that automatically carries over into the real world . Plus , people afford you really weird looks when you persuade her on your shoulder around Rainey St. It ’s a natural , amicable breakup , and actually not that sorry , especially since you ’re fairly confident you ’ll see her again a month later at Fun Fun Fun fest .
The East Side King
Jamie , 36Neighborhood : You literally have no idea
It ’s a typically packed weekend good afternoon at Yellow Jacket , when a tall , leather - wearing Adonis who smell like BO fuse with incense ( and maybe gas ) asks , “ Is this bum deal ? ” Whether it ’s the beard , the charisma , or just his power to wear man jewellery without looking like a complete and total imbecile , you ’re instantly draw to him and more than well-chosen to share field day - table privilege … plus , obviously , mimosa buckets .
The first date : He picks you up on his bike and you proceed to take a hop from one East Side bar to another – running into his friends , sound out hi to his mixologist buddies , and downing cheap beers at each . You spend about six hours together , and while he spends all of them spill about himself , he somehow cope to say utterly nothing of substance . From the sounds of it , though , he ’s some kind of rack , emotionally unavailable sculptor / carpenter / model / doer / lensman hybrid . And probably broke . And emphatically a narcissist .
Yet somehow super charming .
The inevitable detachment : The tricky part is that there ca n’t in reality be a separation because you ’re never technically go steady . It ’s more like hang out and cop up . He may disappear for days , week or months at a clip for a “ shoot ” or “ project ” or “ unearthly pursuance ” but then , on a random Tuesday , he ’ll knock on your threshold at 3 am with flower . And given the fact he ’s basically a giant man child … but , you know , a really attractive one … who essentially does n’t know any better , you ’re nerveless with it . After all , in certain regards , you ’ve certainly had bad .
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Sam Sumpteris an Austin - based writer and experient dater who would sort herself – probably inaccurately – as none of the above . Find out for yourself why she ’s somehow still single by following her wizardly adventures on Instagram@sam_sumpta .
