When you ’re in Miami and undivided , go steady is irrefutablya one - of - a - kind shitshow , complete with lifelong bachelors , raise women in comically with child hoop earring , extraneous transplants , 30 - somethings who live at home , cougars , and A LOT of laughable level . So if you ’re unexampled to the Miami area , new to the date stamp aspect , or even worse , both – fear not ! We ’ve got your back . Before you venture out into the concrete jungle that is “ the 305 , ” here are all of the the great unwashed you ’ll inevitably fumble around conversations with .
The Party Girl
Age : 21Neighborhood : Coral Gables . waitress , really , the Tri Delta house at UM.You’ll meet her at LIV . She ’s that girl in the tight Bebe dress who unexpectedly grinds up on you when you cut through the dance floor to get to your mesa . You smile and tell her it ’s OK when she bats her eyes , giggles , and says , “ Ohmaigosh . I ’m like SO grim ! ” The flirtatious looking at continue throughout the night , and after a Bacardi & Coke , you get the urge to tempt her and her live friends to unite you and your friend . You live nothing about her except that she just moved here from Boston and is only 21 . None of this matters as you range your third Bacardi & Coke to keep the conversation flow . Your two friends have since disappeared with her two friend . Plus , she ’s a total 10.Your first date : Drinks at Hyde Beach . Yes , she knows the SoBe aspect , but she ’s also 21 , so you sleep together drinks are enough . You ask her what she ’s studying , only to find out it ’s some shadowy communication arcdegree and her real design is to be an Instagram framework . She secern you she has 2,894 follower as of that morning ( not that she ’s bet ) , which you help her boost to 3 thou that Nox by take pictures of her dancing on the taproom . Your inevitable breakup : Her high temperature away , you ’re broaching 30 and ca n’t rage like her . Plus , you miss your square Friday night routine of pizza pie , beer , andHouse of CardsNetflix binges . When you tell her this , she claims “ pizza is the foe ” for her Instagram vocation , and you resolve you have no room for that form of negativity in your life .
The Lifelong Bachelor
Age , 41Neighborhood : Downtown MiamiYou’re at brunch with your girls at Seaspice , when Rick and company nonchalantly pull up on a yacht . You mean , " # NBD , it ’s Miami and who DOESN’T have a yacht ? ! " He sends a bottleful of Moët to your table , and you finger accommodate to go over and give thanks him . He invites you and your friends to cling out on his racing yacht later , and while his dyed - brown hair nag make it hard for you to guess his years , he ’s got that Clooney matter going on ( and , you have it off , a racing yacht ) , so you match . Your first date : The yacht party , obviously . You make up one’s mind to take an Uber because your 2007 Hyundai Sonata with the confused doorway do by just wo n’t cut it on Fisher Island , and you ’re glad you did , because when you get there , there ’s Moët and Belvedere EVERYWHERE . Ten minute afterward , Scottie Pippen shows up . There are now so many reasons to get to know him . Your inevitable detachment : While Friday night dinners at The Forge and diamonds and breakfast in bed at his Fisher Island mansion never get old , you ’re only 27 , have tremendous plans of settle down with a kinsfolk , and you garner from the framed Heidi Klum pinups in his living way that he has no such plans . Plus , your mammy can hardly wait at you since finding out your dad went to high school with this guy .
Mr. “305 ‘Til I Die”
Age , 27Neighborhood : Westchester . Or as he say it , style - chay - ster . Much like your parents , how you meet is the classic love story of two millennials who also own phones : Tinder . According to his profile , he ’s cute , and he can manipulate , like domestic dog , and want to settle down with a dainty girl , so you swipe right . Your first date : Per his suggestion , happy minute at Chili ’s at Dadeland . He looks like his picture and is improbable , which are plusses . He tells you he ’s drop out of MDC because the traffic from Kendall suck , but it ’s hunky-dory , because he " knows a guy " and is move to be a cop shortly . In the meantime , he ’s pretty confident about his NBA fantasy draft , is a waiter at the Chili ’s you ’re currently sit down in , and lift it up with the drinks , so you concentrate on the cop thing and make out with him anyway . Your inevitable dissolution : You commence to hate the fact that he spends all his waiter money on big atomic number 79 watch and MJ snitch , but can only “ treat ” you to Chili ’s , and also the fact that he loves Pitbull and yells “ DALE ” every time he ’s about to orgasm . He drives a Mazda Miata and still cadge off his parent ’ HBO Go explanation . Once he denote plans to move to Hialeah , it ’s all over .
Ms. “I Still Got It”
eld : 41Neighborhood : Confederate States of Fifth . A one - bedroom condominium . You meet her at Bougies , because she ’s recently gotten out of a divorce and still thinks that ’s what the cool Thomas Kyd are doing these days . But then again , you ’re there , so you taste not to judge her for it . She ’s way too old for that romper suit she corrupt at Forever 21 … but she ’s hot , is in relatively decorous shape , and from the looks of it , can throw back a twosome Tequila Sunrises . She ’s also wearing platforms and a headband , but you ’re currently 150 % individual , so … again , not judging . You grease one’s palms her another Tequila Sunrise and make plans for dinner party . Your first appointment : It ’s obvious she wants to live over the glory days , but is sure-enough and wise enough to know that “ pizza , Netflix , and pall ” does not a future make . You settle for somewhere classy like the Gables , but also somewhere that 1 ) does n’t break your bank ( because , unlike her , you have no maintenance ) , and 2 ) attracts an fittingly young - grownup bunch ; like Tarpon Bend . You tell her all about your job using grownup language because you feel like you ’re dating your teacher , and she tells you all about her divorcement , her tiddler , and how this is a “ unexampled phase of her life . ” By her third martini , you opine she ’s both suffer a mid - life crisis and intriguing , so you pay the visor and know that , against all unspoilt judgment , you ’ll be texting her again . Your inevitable separation : It ’s four weeks in , and she bluster up at you for deform down Friday night Boggle design to go out for your friend ’s birthday . She determines you ’re an unfit Father-God for her child , Johnny and Amy , which is a new level of vivid . You back aside tardily for veneration she might haunt you or key your beloved Honda Accord . ( Which , oddly enough , you also call Johnny . )
The Married Guy
Age , 32Neighborhood : Coral GablesYour boss make you work the threshold at a employment purpose , and this guy starts cracking jokes while see to it in . He ’s suspicious and good looking , so you let him work you a comped white wine spritzer from the open bar . The function ends at 8:30pm , leaving flock of prison term for a 4th spritzer next room access . You play palatine tonsil hockey game by the end of the night , which thankfully pass to an factual date , because your boss totally saw you and now you have to go on a date to make it legit . Your first date : Drinks at the Pawn Broker . He ’s curious , has whole blast the flirt / chase balance , works in finance on Brickell , run to Christian church on Sundays , and describe himself as “ a existent family humanity . ” You picture him being your “ plus one ” at your full cousin ’s wedding , and this gets you excited because that mean you do n’t have to sit hart at Table Eight with grandmother … again . Your inevitable dissolution : You find out he ’s get hitched with when his married woman friends you on Facebook because she picture your text subject matter on his phone . You determine that , since she ’s stalk his phone , this is n’t the first time this has happened , but that also make her the perfect wingwoman for a live reenactment ofJohn Tucker Must decease . Two weeks afterwards , he is inevitably single and last out of his travelling bag at the Starlight Motel on 8th and 1st .
The Gym Rat
Age : 31Neighborhood : BrickellYou meet at Equinox ( obviously ) , when he at last introduce himself after week of flirty glances over the rosehip abductor machine . He ’s in complete shape , talks about his diet , and drop 30 minute assure you about his CrossFit obsession . You get blase and take up to zona out , but then mid - convo he take off his shirt and you issue forth back to life . You waste no time yield him your bit . Your first particular date : crapulence at American Social , where you could only adopt all gymnasium git in perfect shape go to mingle with their form . He looks h - o - t in his black dungaree and fitted Express push button - down , so you ’re entirely ignoring the fact that he ’s stop and face at his reflection at every storefront , railway car window , vending auto , and parking beat between his berth at Brickell on the River and the bar . He tells you he ’s a attorney and 31 , so you decide for yourself that he must be quick to settle down and thank GOD because you ’ve also told yourself that ’s why it ’s okay to decidedly have a nightcap at his office later on . Your inevitable separation : It ’s been six month and you ’re still only fail on dates at AmSo . You come out to realize that he takes longer to get ready than you do , mostly because he has a solid post - shower turn of lotions , gelatin , and whitener you assume are for his teeth , plus he Snapchats it for 25 minute of arc , and then shaves while pump himself up to Kanye . He also wears the same distich of denim every appointment and does push - ups after gender . You re - download Bumble to “ keep your option open . ”
The Cougar
Age , 44Neighborhood : PinecrestDebbie is similar to Ms. “ I Still Got It , ” except for the fact that she has never been married and knows that she has always had it . You see her sitting alone at the bar at Flanigan ’s , watch over the Heat secret plan and throwing back Corona Lights . Your Friend convert you to hit on her , and you oblige … she has a strong Stifler’s - mom vibration . Since you ’re a Gym Rat , she ’s into it . You get her routine and head over to her place after she answer “ Yup ” to your incredibly otiose text of “ U up?”Your first date : Dinner at Brio at the Falls , because who are we kidding : it ’s a Monday , she ’s older , you live in Kendall , and you just need to end up at her place anyway . You ’re digging the tight maxi and the push - up bra she ’s wearing , which helps make up for the fact that she ’s also wearing a toe ring and likely spent five too many session in the tanning seam . At this point in her sprightliness , received first - engagement talking bore her , so she tells you about her sexual love for casinos and an unsolicited story about last Saturday , when she took body shots of tequila at Soho Beach House . You pay the bill and follow her place . Your inevitable breakup : You’re 25 , and while the sex is great , you ’re not attending multiple 50th natal day party in a week . Also , the people at the Miccosukee Casino have weird odors and you start feeling very uncomfortable about the fact that the guy wire at the threshold now recognizes you and has get call in you “ Debbie ’s niggling sonny . "
Mr. “I’m Not From Here”
eld : 28Neighborhood : BrickellYou go to the doc for a bank check - up , and he ’s the attendant on faculty . He assure you he ’s just moved here from Indiana , which is an immediate turn - on for you , because you just run low on your third date with Mr. “ 305 ‘ til I Die . ” You begin talk about him settling into Miami , and give him your bill of fare if he ever postulate someone to “ show him around . ”Your first date : Lagniappe , because he ’s see that ’s a out of sight gem , which it was … five years ago . He grease one’s palms wine-coloured by the glass and not the bottle , because he is understandably Modern here . Your inevitable breakup : While he moves to Miami with every intent of stay to his definitive Midwestern morale , the Magic City go to crawl up on him . Next thing you know , he ’s cancelling dinner party plans because “ he has to work late ” and starts hanging out at E11EVEN on Tuesdays and confab up bachelorette parties from Wisconsin at FIFTY on Saturdays . He does the slow slice , and next time you see him , he is at a tabular array at STORY with three matching blond named Candy who are probably lying about the fact that they ’re 21 and not escorts .
The Shady Entrepreneur
Age , 29Neighborhood : Miami BeachYou’re at Merrick Park for your tri - hebdomadary SoulCycle social class , and he ’s there shopping for ties at Vineyard Vines because he just dropped his Porsche off at The Collection and ask to kill time . You unexpectedly bump into him , he knocks over your purse , and then helps you pick up all the spilled message . He realizes he has made you late for grade , and offers to take you out later that week to make up for it . Your first escort : Casa Tua , because he ’s a regular there . You have the best table in the elbow room and you wonder why . You start require him dubiousness to find out why he ’s such a bountiful pot , to which he make vague statement like “ I own some businesses ” and quickly changes the subject . You ’re voguish enough to get laid that you do n’t ask a Miamian for specifics when they say they pass “ businesses . ”Your inevitable breakup : The more meter you spend together , the more you realize he never has to go to work , ever . He lives at The Edition , but you’re able to only go there during off - minute and always have to take the air in through the back threshold and be let in by a guy with a lasting smutty eye named Pete . One day , he say you he has to be out of his apartment in 24 hours because “ it ’s having employment done to it , ” legally changes his name to Derek , and moves to Uruguay , never to be heard from again .
The Guy Who Still Lives With His Parents
Age : 31Neighborhood : West KendallAfter a Nox out on Brickell , you both terminate up at La Moon for the Super Salchipapas . In your bacchanal , you do n’t remember you give him your identification number until he texts “ hey uracil ” the next day . Your first date : TheCaptain Americamovie at Sunset Place , because that ’s what was nerveless in middle school , and since he still lives at family with mama and dad , what more does he know ? He springs for Zea mays everta and Milk Duds , holds your paw , and the whole thing is curiously nostalgic . Plus , if he hold up with his mum , you think he MUST roll in the hay how to treat char , right ? ! ? ! Ugh , earnest God , please let that be unfeigned . Your inevitable dissolution : One calendar month in , your “ date ” begin being at his family ’s dining elbow room table , with leftover his mamma made . While it ’s delicious , it does not overshadow the fact that he also still has his same Marlins sheets from high shoal , his washables magically come out folded on his bed every break of the day – which you ’ve never seen him do – and he has no program to change that anytime soon , because it signify he can still afford to keep his standing hebdomadal appointment with his mourning band dealer . Since your dates are now usually at “ his berth ” ( as he calls it , in heavy - boy terms ) , they always let in watching max operas with his grandma , whose listening is NOT as uncollectible as you were led to believe last dark .
Mrs. 305
Age : 26Neighborhood : KendallYou run into at the gas station , specifically the Shell on 117th and Kendall . She border out of the motorcar with a wild outfit with Demi Lovato blasting . You say “ daaaaaaamn girl , ” which she cerebrate is flattering , and you take her for her number to get drinks later . She obliges . Your first escort : dance at Ball & Chain that Friday . She only orders two mojitos , tells you she wants to be a nursemaid , a mom , and has three years left at MDC , and respond phone calls from her mom at least seven times in a span of three hours . Your inevitable breakup : She believe the air hostess at La Carreta is actually hitting on you when she says “ your table is ready , ” and starts a scene by the colada counter . She says she ’s break up with you , and you show up at her house afterwards with flowers and distinguish her you ’re sorry , even though you do n’t be intimate what for . This materialise four more sentence before you discover another girl at a flatulence station and “ daaaaaaamn missy ” her into your phone book .
The European
Age , 33Neighborhood : South Beach . Definitely The Flamingo . His name is plausibly Phillip , but it ’s pronounced “ Phil - LEEP , ” and emphatically not “ Phil - brim ” or “ Felipe . ” You contact him at Bâoli on a Wednesday , because that ’s where all Europeans in Miami hang out on Wednesdays . He ’s the only guy sit at the stripe eat cheese and drinking red wine when you walk up to order a Cosmo , which he flout at and adjudicate you for ordering . But then he smile , recount you he ’s kidding ( he ’s not ) , and charm you with his aphrodisiacal Gallic accent . Your first particular date : A hole - in - the - wall wine-colored streak on South Beach . You ’ve never discover of it , and in realness it ’s probably thoroughgoing crap , but Phil - LEEP has define that this is the real deal because he is French and he knows thing of this nature . He takes the liberty of ordering a bottle for the two of you , and you profess you know how to do that smell - sip - slurp thing that they do inSideways . You talk travel , philosophy , art , polish , and a bunch of other affair you know nothing about , and you start picturing the chateau you ’ll have in Nice together . You go home to Wikipedia all the cities he mentioned on the date , and also to get hold out how to spell “ chateau . “Your inevitable breakup : Days with the Frenchie are wizardly and involve lot of wine-coloured , romantic dinner party , and brunch at Bagatelle . But while his worldly knowledge is 100 clip better than any conversation you had with Mr. Gym Rat , he never lets you pick a restaurant or what you ’re wearing , and you realize that ’s because he ’s kind of an elitist . Plus , eating cheese for sweet every night has made you fat , and the Google Translate you call for to talk to him is draining your data plan . When he starts visiting Paris for workplace every other calendar month , you start ghost … and intercept give ear out at The Flamingo , which you clear is a good life decision in general .
The Creative
Age : 26Neighborhood : WynwoodYou meet at Art Walk , because you ’re both determine out the same man of art at the same picture gallery . He ’s got that Harry Potter - meets - hipster vibration going on , and wants to know what you think of the house painting , so after more artistic creation talking , he ask for your number to “ discuss it further . ”Your first engagement : At Panther Coffee , because it ’s cold brewed and “ only buy its beans from the small hombre , which makes the humans a serious place , ” concord to this smiling hippie gentleman’s gentleman . You discover out he owns an art studio apartment in Wynwood , which also happens to be where he survive . He thinks rock are beautiful and is presently launching an introspective art task on whether or not rock have flavour . Your inevitable breakup : He goes to Burning Man , and marry a lady friend he does shrooms with in a sham wedding by a guy who drinks his own urine and calls himself the " Shaman . " He come back with a newfound desire to find himself , which imply a sight of pot , paint wall mural with his feet , and not showering . You decide he need to find himself … a new girlfriend .
Girl With Dog
years : 31Neighborhood : South BeachYou cope with at Haulover , because you ’re there check out out the au naturel beach , and she ’s there for the wiener park . You pretend to require for directions to the weenie car park , which she sees right through because , well , you have no dog . She , however , obliges and target you in the right direction . You jaw her up , secretly wishing she will then involve you for directions to the nude beach , but she does n’t , so you inquire for her number instead . Smooth . Your first date : You’ve date girls with hotdog before , so you ’re well aware of the other - dinner - or - later - drink windowpane of opportunity , because we all know Peanut has to be let out at 6 pm on the pane . You drive to South Beach because you ’re a gentleman , and also because you want to go back to her blank space later , so you choose for 8 promethium drinks at STK . She has an iPhone - photo slideshow prepared with a timeline starting with how her and Peanut met , and you spend the night assess the hotness - to - blackguard ratio to see if this is all deserving it . Your inevitable breakup : She hear the hot dog barking mid - gender and gets up to let him out to pee , which causes you to commence have visions of running him over with your Honda Accord . It ends forever when she demand you to buy him the particular brand of Purina he loves , but you get the deduction one from the 7 - Eleven on the corner . She never forgive you .
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