I lock my bloodshot eyes with a adult female in lederhosen before flashing her a Cheshire smile and smoothen off my cubic decimetre - sized stein of Hofbräu Original ( my fifth part of the night ) to the rising and falling roar of the beer hall .
Ten hour to begin with , before I ’d kicked off my 12 hours of drinking , the resident squeeze box player called out the unapologetic theme for my day spend at the Hofbräuhaus :
“ Everything you have heard here , that goes on at dark , is probably genuine . ”
Hofbrauhaus Cleveland
As my optic fixate on four homemaker laze down shot of Jagermeister in bicycle-built-for-two , I ca n’t help but think that the polka - play accordionist was right . Welcome to Cleveland , OH ’s version of the Hofbräuhaus .
In case you have been experience under a very large and very clichéd rock and roll , theHofbräuhausistheplace to spend your eventide in Cleveland , Ohio . And yes , I ’m talking to you .
Hofbrauhaus Cleveland
One moment , you ’ll be make dinner with your grandmother ; the next , you ’ll be standing on the bench fulminate shots with your grandfather .
Modeled after the world - famous , 500 - year - old original beer hall in Munich , Germany , Hofbräuhaus Cleveland is known for serving family - brewed , Bavarian Purity Law - abide beer ; its friendly lederhosen- and dirndl - wearing staff ( think traditional Oktoberfest garb ) ; time - observe Bavarian culinary art ; and , of course , its iconic , Gertrude Stein - hoisting , resilient - music - playing beer hall .
The ambience of the Hofbräuhaus is one of controlled chaos ; picture the carefree , optimistic , biotic community - centrical position of a Sunday morning spent shotgunning beers in the Muni Lot , combined with your favorite house party of all time . Bottle those two factors in the same vessel , throw on a fancy label , and call it a Saturday night here . It ’s Cleveland ’s hebdomadary political party mess , and quite honestly , we ca n’t get enough .
Anthony Robert/Thrillist
If you ’ve ever dined at the Hofbräuhaus , you ’ll notice that the feel of the 400 - mortal capacity hall changes as sidereal day dies and is born-again as dark . One moment , you ’ll be having dinner with your gran ; the next , you ’ll be abide on the terrace rail shots with your grandfather . mesmerised by this shift in personality , I decided to document a day here to learn the true nature of the Hofbräuhaus and the Cleveland political party spirit .
Saturday, March 26th, 2016
12:10pmThe Hofbräuhaus is tranquil ; I expected a scrimmage of hoisted steins . Somewhat disillusioned , I encircle the block of Chester Ave and East 15th and butterfly with the idea of drink a beer an hour today . Twelve in a day . glamourise this effect should probably be a point of concern .
12:15pmI order my first beer : the Hofbräu Original , a neutral lager beer , soon fork out by my server , Dave . Catch the swell snaking around the long benches with steins looped around his arms without spilling a drop .
12:29pmBacked by a polka crush from the man with an accordion , everyone around me claps on the single and threes of " glad Birthday . " No one seems to have any theme whose birthday it is , but it ’s a full take part crew , proving all of Cleveland has a shit sense of rhythm , but they ’re all down to celebrate some rando ’s birthday .
Anthony Robert/Thrillist
12:31pmThe singing dies down ; I cynically question how many birthday songs ( and not even the2 Chainz version … ) I ’ll hear today . My guess : 13 .
No one seems to have any thought whose birthday it is .
12:33pmA prosperous , disembodied voice warbles four taproom into a act before I realize that I ’ll likely be listening to polka for the good part of the next 11 hours . I take on the dour mentality of an furious teenager at an obligatory category event for a moment before raise my glass and taking a sip . This is hunky-dory .
Hofbrauhaus Cleveland
12:47pmI abandon my mesa in the turning point and abide by the Oz - same vocalization and accordion tunes to where Fred Ziwich , the resident daytime one - adult male house band , is sitting perched on the foot - high stagecoach .
12:51pmAll right field , I ’m hungry . Dave advise the sauerkraut balls for their alcohol sopping abilities , though the other waitstaff passing by with splay of wursts , bratens , and slow - misrepresent heart and soul in sonorous cream sauces looks ( and smell out ) damn sympathetic . But I ’ll put my corporate trust in Dave – this is n’t the first metre he ’s give a Energy - eyed inexpert advice .
1:07pmSix perfectly deep - fry and golden balls get , which I exhaust tight enough to burn the roof of my mouth . It ’s time for Beer No . 2 .
Anthony Robert/Thrillist
1:41pmI overtake a host carefully hoist an onetime - fashioned broad ski in my periphery , deliberate not to pour forth any of the liquidness inside the four jibe spyglass glued to the top of it . It ’s the first shot ski of the day !
1:42pm"Shot - SKI ! Shot - SKI ! Shot - SKI ! " The intonation has begun ; it appear that everybody else ( about 150 people , by now ) has notice the four college - aged men standing shoulder to shoulder on the bench downing a Jager shooting from the ski ( get it ? ) in unison , too .
1:47pmInspired by the first radical , it seems , a second , older cadre of gentleman have ordered their own slam ski . The chanting starts again . derriere up , you 40 - somethings ! I wonder what their shot of option is . belike something bourbon - y.
The accordion player ad libs " Cheeseburger in Paradise " to " Bratwurst in Paradise ; " the gang does not hesitate to join in .
2:37pmIt ’s start to get crowded ; much to my mortification , my articulatio cubiti room from an time of day ago has completely dissipated .
3:01pmI’m suddenly pour by 40- and 50 - yr - olds wear German - breathe in article of clothing , as if croak to the Hofbräuhaus was the same as going to a costume party .
3:12pmOur protagonist Fred Ziwich advertizement libs " Cheeseburger in Paradise " to " Bratwurst in Paradise , " and the crowd does not waver to bring together in . Jesus Christ , I ’m going to need another beer ; Hofbräu Original ( No . 3 ) , we match again .
3:30pmI have just learned that the Hofbräuhaus is handling 560 reserve today , and as an ex - server , I am absolutely floored . Yeah , it ’s a big spot , but assuming each of those parties average at least four , that ’s 2,240 citizenry walking through the door . I chug beer to settle the anxiousness - inducing store of bag eyes paralyzed by indecision while regularize from the menu ( ugh ) .
3:52pmMy friends have shown their facial expression . Join me , friends . They sit and order their first round . One of them orders a cider ; we all take turning poke fun his choice . Me , I ’ll have Hofbräu OG No . 4 , thanks .
4:01pmThe beers ( and that halt - rump cyder ) have arrived , so we decide with hardly any coaxing to order a stroke ski for ourselves – four shots of Jagermeister , please , hold the judgment .
4:13pmMy friends are oh - so - carefully passing down the front oddment of the ski to accomplish me , the anchor , as we ’re stomach on our bench . It ’s our turn as , once again , the shouts of " SHOT ! SKI ! SHOT ! SKI ! " reach our ears . We take our shot , the mountain of people cheer , I look up to the 60 foot ceiling and raise the clenched fist of a sensation .
4:42pm“Do you jazz what it feels like / loving someone / sitting at the Hofbräuhaus all day?”– the raw chorus to Enrique Iglesias ' “ Do You Know , ” as influence by my day - boozing friends and I
4:45pmAlmost five hour into my hazy journey , it ’s sentence to check the scorecard : there are eight shot ski on platter – meaning 32 multitude ( four that are us ! ) have stood on bench and downed liquor from a ski . Nice business , my Cleveland neighbors . Even if you do have a tendency for subpar lawn care .
5:00pmEntranced by a wafture of smiling , contorted face , I ’m reminded of tailgating for a Browns plot . There ’s just something about draw out that blinding optimism that every Cleveland sports fan is cursed with , along with forte , more - drawn - out - than - usual a ’s . " I ’m so myad ayt the Browns dryaft peck . "
5:20pmLoud , croaky weft break out , as is expected with any large congregation of boozing Clevelanders . Why would n’t we bark for our sad , deplorable Browns that we live and die for , even on cold March evening without a game in pot ?
6:00pmAnother Clarence Shepard Day Jr. , another dollar . Another birthday , another shot ski . well-chosen natal day , John , you earned it !
6:30pmHere is a sight not seen every daylight : a 50 - class - old acquire a shot with college kidskin . The elderberry bush then ramble off , vibing to surf rock as he disappear into the crowd . I really would like to know who initiated that interaction . The age reach here is parlous . There are as many 20- and 30 - twelvemonth - old as there are 40- to 60 - twelvemonth - old , and base on behavior , you would n’t be able to tell who ’s who .
6:36pmThrough the lens of my wane beer stein , I see chemical group stand on the benches , saltation . A particularly enthusiastic 60 - year - old professional dancer wanders into the focus of an unfamiliar yet welcoming gang . I am simper dumbly . Beer No . 5 , where are you ? Oh . Oh , wait . I think Dave came by with my refill while I was ogling .
7:00pmApparently , a dance band is now recreate . When did this pass off and WHERE IS FRED ? ?
7:54pmThe intact crew is singing to “ Sweet Caroline , ” mumbling the word parts and hollo the non - word parts , and once again , I ’m really concerned by the fact that I missed the circle conversion . But somebody has flicked an on switch because Hofbräuhaus has entered full company mode .
8:45pmI’m in no land to make profound judgement on the night , but 400 citizenry are standing on the benches , take shots , making cheers , and singing with the ring – it ’s surreal . The world needs more establishments like this . I find an open space on a work bench and join my position standing . " Anthony ! " I say , sticking a hand out to introduce myself to the people next to me .
8:50pmIt bump off me as I ’m babble with my new neighbor : it seems that I have lost my admirer .
9:13pmAfter fumble through animated conversation with grand hand gestures , shout over the music , trying to find my lost friends , I have given up on them . They ’re fully grown - ass men . It ’s time for Beer No . 6 .
9:15pmIt is my blockbuster moment : I dance my way through the crowd to the back legal profession , dip through a timberland of people when I notice an older , approachable - look woman . Without even thinking , I say hello .
9:41pmSmall talk quickly becomes expectant talk and I palpate myself mentally connecting with this cleaning lady . Call it similar background or call it the inebriant ( in all likelihood the alcohol ) , but this ma’am plain understands my universe – we ab initio bond over the lighthearted look of the beer hall and our dearest for Cleveland … I ’m wondering if we ’ve get together before .
In the profundity of our conversation , we close that Cleveland is the misunderstood midway child to the big medium parent . It ’s a domain - division city that never seems to find the attention it deserves . But she summarise it up so just : " We do n’t need the attending , we know we ’re unspoiled , " she enjoin . We hug , then parted ways .
10:00pmThe crew is alive right now , hugging each other , put each other in friendly headlocks , and singing off - key , moments before the isthmus ( again , when did the band show up ? ) yells “ LET ’S DRINK MORE BEER ! ” The crowd catch fire with joyfulness ( me too ! ! ! ) . The floor is stir .
Unsurprisingly , no one is opposed ; this is Cleveland , dammit ! We want substance , which usually always mean more beer . Literally C of people lift their steins for a communal sunshine before sending the soapsuds down the hatch .
10:16pmBeer No . 7 , the final one , has been ordered ; it ’s been a longsighted day , and I ’m expecting a longer morning .
10:27pmThe band leaves the stage and files into the bunch with their instruments . The guitar player leaps onto a workbench and rocks out with the totality of the beer antechamber . Holy shit , we are loving this . We ca n’t get enough of this !
11:15pmMore shot skis for the beer hall – I suffer numeration at 24 , but can you find fault me ? I ’ve had a day ’s worth of steins . The root of this head trip was lukewarm , but now , it ’s a fraternity planetary house on a Saturday night . The Hofbräuhaus has been sit in the pouch of the good house company you ’ve been to for a little over three minute now . I am hem in by tinkle stranger .
12:00amAfter nearly 12 hours , I ’m sentimental over exit ( though it might just be all the inebriant I ’ve consumed ) . The party is still in full swing as I wobble my room to the front ingress . My protagonist are finding their own damn rides home .
The stats break down like this : seven beer wipe out , 24 confirm shot ski , and 12 " Happy Birthdays " ( just one shy , dammit ! ) .
I like I could say the ending of my dark was as cinematic as the rest of it , but I just regularize an Uber , wait in the shiver of late March . I peer into the magniloquent window emanating yellow-bellied - orange luminousness ; I can still learn the leaden murmur vowel of the crowd as my car pulls up and I get in . I involve the driver if it ’s too soon enough on Sunday cockcrow that we can find the polka post on the low end of the wireless telephone dial .
