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And beware : we ’re talking spoilers .
mass will do some ridiculous thing to look young . There are $ 300 bottle of moisturizer , there are optical maser Peel that force you to stay out of the sun for a week , and there are shot of blood decently into your face . And then there iswhatever the hell Melisandre doeswith that magic necklace of hers .
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Not only does the accoutrement appear to give the Red Woman smoother skin , it also gives her thicker tomentum , abstract her tits , fixes her posture , andtakes off about 1,000 year of aging . It ’s like magical Spanx that go over her total soulfulness . Does she have intercourse how powerful that machine is ? Madonna would give her firstborn Logos if she could just get a small piece of the affair just to work on only her hands . Getting rid of her son is n’t that big of a forfeit – hewants to live with Guy Richieanyway . She might give up her daughter for that whole necklace .
receive to the Real Housewives of Westeros , also cognise as Thrillist ’s inauguralGame of Thronesrecap . We ’re off to review the territories !
Castle Black: Snow problem
I have n’t been this heartbroken about the demise of a Snow since the follow up to " Informer " did n’t graph in the U.S. It appears that Jon Snow is in reality literally dead , even though his direwolf Ghost is shout out like a Belieber whose Twitter account just got hack .
Ser Davos seems to be the only one in all of Castle Black who is pay attention , because he finds Jon ’s eubstance mode before anyone else on the Night ’s Watch . They take him into a room and knock everything off of the table like Amanda Woodward onMelrose Placepreparing to get laid in her office staff . Davos ( no affiliation to the World Economic Forum ) and four of Jon ’s friends from the Night ’s Watch stand around look at the body . Melisandre , still calculate like a Cover Girl spokeswoman and rocking a serious red fashion cape , bear witness up all sad , look like her boyfriend just dump her and lead her intact Siouxsie Sioux record collecting with him . She ’s never the animation of the party , but she was especially a downer here .
Davos , these four other dudes , and Jon ’s wolf are going to fight back the Night ’s sentry because , I do n’t experience , they ’re boys and they like to fight back or something . Jon is beat , what proficient is fighting him going to do ? If I were Davos , I would just take the new Lord Commander Thorne ’s offer of a crowd of food for thought and be on my spanking way . alternatively , Davos is going to engage the supporter of Melisandre . But she ’s not around . She ’s in layer . She ’s an sure-enough gentlewoman , that ’s what old ladies do : they watchThe People ’s Courtand they go to bottom .
I have a lot to say about Melisandre in her room taking off everything in front of the mirror . It ’s like she was watchingHow to Get forth With Murderand saw Viola Davis win an Emmy for have her wig off and was like , " fine , bitch . You ready for this ? " Then she took off her magic necklace and immediately everyone was like , " OK , Fine . You win . We ’ll EGOT you if you put that back on . Please ! "
Also , the mirrors in Westeros are totally shitty . She could n’t even see her nipples in that mirror . She probably does n’t think that she ’s as old and ugly as she really is . This cleaning woman can queef out a ogre infant , but she ca n’t get herself a decent reflective aerofoil ?
One last note on the Night ’s Watch . I screw how Thorne state everyone that he wipe out Jon Snow and it was fine because he never disobey a unmediated order . Um , I conceive the order not to kill him was one of those tacit orders that you ’re supposed to sympathise without being told . It ’s like tipping at least 15 % , standing on the right on escalator and walking up the leftfield , and not farting in an elevator .
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Winterfell: Avengers assemble!
It seemed obvious that Sansa Stark and the Artist Formerly lie with as Theon Greyjoy would go their season - finale jump off the ramparts at Winterfell . I ’m guessing Sansa ’s super fierce running cape buffer their landing – she ’s wearing more stratum than three plates of nachos as they ’re hauling ass through the Grant Wood . They eventually get to a freezing river . My first thinking was , No ! Do n’t do it ! You ’ll ruin your cape!She thinks she ’s proceed to go ford the river like she ’s struggling through the later stage of Oregon Trail , but Theon is like , " Whatever . I got my gumshoe veer off . This is nothing ! "
When they get to the other side Sansa ’s ness is altogether smash and then everything that follows is an example in incompetence . Theon hears the sleuthhound and scout troop coming for them , and hear to chair them away ; they find Sansa quicker than you may say " Dickless Greyjoy . " Then Brienne of Tarth shows up with her gallant Podrick and does a fairly lousy task of killing all of the dogs and soldiers . Then she pledges herself to Sansa who ca n’t get through the swearing without some help from Podrick .
Now , Brienne did save the solar day , but this is now the third time we ’ve seen her take this expletive and the last two people she rely to represent are wait to be uprise by the White Walkers to oppose in the army of the dead . Why would you desire her with your life story ? I would n’t even desire her to dry out out my run cloak !
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Back at Winterfell , Roose Bolton is brainsick at that sadistic bastard ( I mean that literally ) Ramsay Bolton for toying with both Sansa and Theon and then letting them escape . Roose says that the Lannister regular army is going to make out for them in the north and they ’ll have no title with Sansa . Ramsay also tell a servant to feed his bushed girlfriend to the dogs . God , I want someone to kill that Ramsay Bolton as badly as Madonna wants that magic necklace .
Braavos: Arya having fun yet?
Meanwhile in Braavos , Arya Stark has traded in her awing , box-shaped House of the drained uniform for sack cloth and a beg dish . She still has the signature bob with one braid running along the side . We are reminded of her dreadful uniform from last season when that mean coworker of hers – the Waif – shows up wearing it and that same damn braid !
She throws Arya a faculty and makes her battle with it like Donatello from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles . Arya is all , " Oh , I ’m unreasoning . Stop . " And Donatella is all , " Whatever , I ’m locomote to amount beat you up again tomorrow . You well figure this horseshit out . " Then Arya collapses on the floor and is grateful that she ’s blind so that she does n’t have to look at her outfit any longer .
Dorne: quick Sand
Across the Shimmering Sea in Dorne , Queen Bitch Supreme Bitch Ellaria Sand bump off Prince Doran Martell . ( I promise I will make no beat Prince jokes . # TooSoon . ) I hump Ellaria and her daughter so much . Of course she took her daughter Tyene , the slutty unforesightful - hairy one , with her to off the prince . Tyene is so fierce , she just picks a dagger out of a bushed human and then switch it at the page who is running aside .
Meanwhile , Nym and Obara Sand are on a boat to kill Doran ’s Logos Trystane so that he ca n’t lay claim to the throne . I bonk how Nym distracts him while Obara runs a spear ripe through his nous . I also love how Nym is pass water at her greedy sister for overcharge her of their killing . I love everything about them and I would gladly live in a realm controlled by the Sands . I would permit them pound me and torture me and say me how crappy and weak I am . Anything . I love the blame Sands so much .
King’s Landing: short hair, doesn’t care
Can someone please get Cersei Lannister a wigging ? There is not one wig shop in all of King ’s Landing ? That ca n’t be rightful . Ca n’t she at least get one of those wild head wraps like Olenna Tyrell wear ? She look so big with that short haircut that she ’s in her room just cry all over herself . Well , that and because her daughter is idle and her son is a wimp and no one care about her except for her pal , who she has been banging for year , which is gross .
It seems like Cersei has generate up . She ’s reminded of the old enchantress ’s prophesy that all of her children would conk out and that she would be supplanted by a younger , more attractive queen . But Jaime is literally like , " Fuck prophesy . " He allege that they ’re going to just kill the hell out of everyone , which is pretty awe-inspiring .
Cersei should n’t be that worried about Margaery , because she ’s still in the keep need to pay heed out with her gay brother Loras , who is also in the donjon , at least as far as we know . All Cersei has provide is Tommen , the Lady Edith of King ’s Landing , all blond hair and excruciate despair . Things are not looking good for the Lannisters , but if I have intercourse Cersei she ’s get something up her voluminous arm .
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The Dothraki Sea: gone girl
This week ’s journeying wrap up up with a tax return to the lands across the Narrow Sea . First up , it ’s Meereen , where Tyrion is walk like a rich soul with Varys and peril to eat the baby of peasants . The city stay to fall aside since Khaleesi took off on a dragon and never returned . They sank her battleships !
Somewhere outside the city , Jorah and Daenerys ' boyfriend Daario are tracking her via charred fauna carcasses and Daario is all , " It must suck to be in erotic love with her when she ’s going all Surfbort on my D. " That Daario is a jerk – a rattling raging dork . Jorah find her ring and knows forthwith that a Dothraki horde must have taken her , because who in their right mind would pass up a pack as amazing as hers unless it was a bunch of shirtless dude in Tom of Findland leatherwear and tribal tattoo ? ( P.S. : Has anyone ever noticed that with the leather and the crappy tribal tattoos , the Dothraki attend like they just pace out of a gay leather barroom ? )
He is correct . Dany is walking alongside some horses and listening to two Dothraki bros go on about her " white puss hair . " Worse , her snowy attire is missing the Gwyneth Paltrow ness that made it so awing , and it ’s covered in soot and stains . At least she ’s still wearing her flying lizard necklace , which was the good necklace on the whole show until we found out about Melisandre ’s magic necklace and now just looks like some piece of shit she get at Claire ’s for $ 9.99 .
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Eventually , she goes before Khal Moro , who has the two meanest wives you ever did satisfy . They ’re like the distaff Dothraki Statler and Waldorf onThe Muppet Show , sit at his side just sharpshoot at Dany and being pissed that she looks right smart unspoiled than they do . They want her dead because they retrieve that she ’s a beldam , but after she spend 13 hours telling them all of her name and titles , he recognise that she ’s the widow woman of a Khal , which means that no one can rape her , including himself . I thought get to wed Khal Drogo was its own advantage , but it also comes with a Get Out of Rape Free Card . Who knew ?
However , he ’s operate to send her off to the capital metropolis of Vaes Dothrak so that she can live in the Temple of Dosh Khaleen , which is where all of the widows of all in Khals live on . God , that sounds worse than being pull to shit at Marshall ’s for the residue of your liveliness . It ca n’t be respectable if she ’s going to be forced to subsist with a clustering of old charwoman forever , especially if none of them have any magical necklace to hide the ravages of metre .
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Brian Moylan previouslyranked Real Housewivesfor Thrillist and is younger than Melisandre . Find him@BrianJMoylan .
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