If you were to secernate me you ’ve heard of a long - canceled Canadian realism show calledEx - Wives of Rock , you ’d be lying . sure as shooting , reruns of it vent on Fuse a few years ago , but if you were to tell me you keep an eye on Fuse , you ’d also be lie .
Ex - Wives of Rockis hosted on a Canadian website that exclude me , someone who does n’t be in a socialistic paradise , from accession . By instal one of those internet browser cud - ins that makes Firefox crawling , however , I can . Why , you may need , would I go to such pains to follow something so allegedly devoid of artistic economic value ? Good question .
Ex - Wives of Rockfollows the lives of four women of various shades of blonde with one common job : they all used to be married to butt - rock fable . They have since traded the decadence of the Sunset Strip for the comparatively safe confines of San Fernando Valley strip malls . They always bemoan their misfortunate choices in marital partner , but had they not made them , they never would have receive the opportunity to lament them on a Canadian realness show . Their pain is my addition .
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The cast includes Athena Lee , a not - so - reformed kindling who was married to a non - original member of the Scorpions for " 14 miserable years . " She is , not that you asked , my favorite ex - wife , a direct termination of her pragmatic mental attitude and hercompetency on the drums . When shown contract her wedding apparel shortened for her divorce political party in Las Vegas , she quest the seamster take it all the way up to the slit so she can " depend upon somebody like a sawbuck . "
There ’s Sharise Neil , the ex of current hair - plugs recipient and former Mötley Crüe frontman Vince Neil , who now run a clothing company , Kandy Wrappers [ sic ] , which trade refutable vogue riddled with animal photographic print and Ne pink . Her current boyfriend , Brandon , a guy who tells people he is in Nine Inch Nails but is n’t , resembles the jumper lead Isaac M. Singer of Smash Mouth circa 1997 .
There ’s Bobbie Brown , the former wife of Warrant lead vocalist Jani Lane , who give out of sharp alcoholic drink poisoning in a Comfort Inn during the filming ofEx - married woman . Bobbie , Miss Louisiana Teen USA 1987 , met her husband on the solidifying of Warrant ’s " Cherry Pie " music video , which she star in . She was also in brief betroth to Athena ’s brother , Tommy Lee , who espouse Pamela Anderson four days after they broke up . ( Is Bobbie still sulphurous about it ? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK ? )
And there ’s Susan Dixon ( who goes by " Blue , " the semblance of her pierce eyes ) , the former wife of Warrant bassist Jerry Dixon . She now have a terminal - dancing studio apartment in the Valley , because of course of instruction she does . A cup from Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf is attached to her unexpended mitt at all times . She is , not that you ask , my least - best-loved x - wife , for obvious reasons .
The whole sordid affair is narrated by Shannon Tweed , who is marital to seemingly unfuckable Israeli rock-and-roll god Gene Simmons , and has presumably been have sex with him since 1983 , which is as long as I ’ve been live . Her voice - overs are often snarky and judgmental ; I feel that she , as someone who has had sex with Gene Simmons for over 30 geezerhood , has no right to take such a tone .
alternate current of strength and despair emanate from each ex - wife , the ending resolution of which renders them profoundly more human than your modal reality - show player . They are , bet on the minute of the day , self - aware or oblivious . Kind or cruel . Smart or stupid . They all refuse to take bull – until , of course , they feel as though they deserve it .
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In one plot line , Bobbie , a staunch character if I ’ve ever seen one , decides , much to the incredulousness of the other Ex - Wives , to move in with her emotionally abusive boyfriend . Bobbie has the most complexes of all the char , a result of puerility insecurity about her physical structure . ( In her memoirs , she writes , " My mother and I never told each other we loved each other until I had moved away and I was 19 . Her dream for me was to be far-famed , a modeling of sorts . I was to be , and remain , beautiful , and through these attributes would complete and validate her as a effective mother . " ) My heart weeps for this turn a loss young lady ; I have , in spite of myself , developed empathy for , and aroused investiture in the life of , the woman from the " Cherry Pie " television .
In another plot line , Sharise bargains with Brandon for her pardon , informing him that it will require him purchase her two Chanel bags to make up for the fact that he drunkenly abandon her on the even of her all in girl ’s cancer benefit . One can only sham he will buy them with her money , as his facial pilus and overall demeanor imply he has none of his own , thus negating the power of the gesture in the first place . My inwardness weeps for her as well .
Indeed , somewhere in the unconscious process of watching 14 episodes of the Ex - Wives lay bare , I felt empathy for them all – with the exception of Blue . I understand her unlikability is engender from desperation , as she was the genus Beta of the group during thelaissez le bon temps roulerglory day of the ' 80 . Still , I jolly along when her impossible ambition of changing the pole - dancing habiliment game forever fail .
( It ’s deserving remark that the clothing ’s designer , Ashley Paige , whom Blue promise us is legendary but proves unsung upon Googling , appear on a 2008 world show calledAshley Paige : Bikini or Bust , which looks so ridiculous and substanceless that I must learn it . I begrudge the Ex - Wives and their go on drama for keep me from Paige ’s drama , which admit a character named Big Daddy Carlos , but I digress . )
In the last installment of Season 1 , Athena go to see her bedridden mother , Boula , who is stricken with " everything you could have " : COPD , emphysema , diabetes , and osteoporosis . It ’s tough , naturally , for Athena ( who is also struggling with divorcement , cancer , and heart and soul abuse ) to see her ma like that . Boula resemble Athena ’s blood brother Tommy , so much so that you could almost imagine it ’s him beneath piles of prosthetics in that twinned - size of it bed , affecting an Old World accent .
But this is not a ill writtenSNLsketch ; this is real life . Reflecting on how difficult the late past has been , Athena make a declarative assertion : " I think this whole yr for me can suck it , " she says , make deep and sustained eye middleman with the person interviewing her off - camera . And with that , the euphony becomes spectacular , and time - lapse footage of Los Angeles from dusk to morning , sunrise to sunset , gambling ; a flurry of natural process , an sempiternal , unstoppable period .
Cut to Blue , with as serious an expression as Botox will grant , informing us that Athena was escape for several solar day before turning up at her threshold . " She looked like she aged 50 eld when she came to the door , " Blue says stoically . " There ’s something very , very , very , very wrong . “Blue , Bobbie , Athena ’s tattoo artist Deej , and her girl Toby besiege Athena where she lie , facedown on the bed , taciturnly sob . " I just desire it to go off , " she whisper . " I swan I take 10 step forward and 100 steps back . " The hood of her dazzle sweatshirt obscures her nerve , block the photographic camera from documenting a pitch-black centre triggered by her teenager Logos . She ’s " on the lam , " having execute away from the infirmary . “How’d you get out of the hospital ? " Bobbie demand . " I sign myself out , and then I left , " Athena replies . " Jani used to do that all the time , " Bobbie solemnly states . " And depend where he is . "
Something , it is decided , must be done . gratefully , Deej " has connections " at a rehab shopping centre ; she tells Athena , who balk at the cost , " Do n’t turn on . " As she lie on the seam , curled up and nullify oculus contact like a offend and frightened fauna , they all tell Athena how much she is loved . Which , in spite of the fact that world television is generally bullshit , I bang to be the Sojourner Truth . In the last scene of the time of year , she ’s escorted out of Blue ’s seat and into the blind sun , sunglasses covering her black eye . " This has been a rough year , human race , " Bobbie aver via voice - over . " What does keep us together ? I do n’t know . We ’ve known each other for years . There ’s things about each other we ca n’t stand . There ’s thing about each other that we have a go at it . But if we ’ve gone this long , we ’ll always make it through and be friends , I think . That ’s real . That ’s sincere . And you ca n’t fake that , " she declares as Athena labour off to rehab . Maybe it ’s the Stockholm syndrome talking , but I believe her .
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