Rio de Janeiro 2016 ! It ’s a showcase for the triumph of the human purport , opportunity for the world ’s top athletes to have all the sexuality , and a possible loom health disaster of heroic proportions . High saltation over here for all ofThrillist ’s coverage of the games , and the game beyond the game .

For Olympic athletes , the games begin way before the opening ceremonial occasion . And by " games , " I ’m denote to thehot - tub orgiesand beer - niff tournament that infamously go down in Olympic Village yr after year . Rio de Janeiro is celebrating its host status by distributing a " welcome gift " of 450,000 condoms and 175,000 packets of lube to the 11,000 athletes competing – recollective air division order me this match 42 condomsper athlete . There ’s no fashion even a shirtless Chad le Clos is that charming .

But when verbalize to the real living quarters of Olympic Village , Rio hasalready throw off the torch . possible action ceremony is just around the corner on August 5th … but some teams , include Argentina and Australia , report the living conditions to be so uninhabitable , they were forced to decamp and relocate to nearby hotels .

rio olympics

YASUYOSHI CHIBA/AFP/Getty Images

job range from blocked throne and leak pipes to reveal electric wiring and strong gas tone , according to a statement release by Australian team Chef de Mission Kitty Chiller , whose squad got chicane the grown ( lol ) .

Um , gross– and utterly embarrassing for the innkeeper urban center , which is already fight with thespread of Zikaandpolitical disorderliness . But block mosquito bites – the athletes are likely more concerned with the obvious issue at hired man : how is anyone supposed to get lay under these ramshackle status ?

The sex Olympics

For decades , the Olympic Village has service as more than just a roof and place for world - renowned athletes to rest their heads . It ’s become unwashed knowledge that well before the games start , these living accommodations units turn into a crazy hybridisation between a risky frat house and outside sexuality hideaway . I ’m picturing something similar to college springiness good luck – scantily clad vernal the great unwashed having a once - in - a - lifetime good time via beer - funneling , sex - devising , and " woooo!"-shouting .

Except atthisparty , the syndicate is compact with a bunch of Adonises . And there ’s no need to worry about awkward , booze - souse small-scale talk as you attempt to make a " connexion " with that Swedish soccer player before amaze into her skivvies : everyone in the village innately has something in common . Whether they run , swing over on the mismatched bars , swimming , throw javelins , orjump on trampolines(was anyone elsenotaware that this is an Olympian event ? ) – everyone is the well of the best .

And they all gohard– in grooming and in everything in biography – because that ’s how they qualified for the Olympics in the first place ! So the Village is essentially this : a cesspool of exceptionally talented citizenry in the forcible bloom of their living seem to cabbage up , unblock their pen - up zip and excitation , and make some foggy , sweaty memories .

Getting down (under) and dirty

Panty - degenerate accents aside , I imagine the Australian athletes are get to have an especially tough go at get nookie in Rio . Even if you have six shooter of tequila , 42 condoms in your nightstand , and Michelle Jenneke giving you the immature Light Within , leaking ceilings and foul stenches from clogged toilets do n’t incisively set the mood . Who would do the nasty in a elbow room with plumbing conditions reminiscent of a dank motel off Highway 6 ? Not me – and especially not an Olympian gymnast who wears sparkle on her face .

In an endeavour to make light of the position , Rio Mayor Eduardo Paes puckishly suggested he install " a kangaroo in front of their building to make them feel at domicile . " Well , har - de - har - har . What good is a pouched mammal chiseled out of granite if your head is spin mid - sexual congress from the stink of gas ?

According to a Rio 2016 representative , more than 600 people are working solar day and night to have the facility of all 31 buildings fixed up and running ASAP . I ’m sure all the athletes have their fingers crossed that intercontinental sexy - metre will still be capable to commence in prison term for the lighting of the Aaron’s rod . Because once again – a 42 - safety - per - person press release is so emphatic , it almost seems like a challenge . And Olympians run to like those .

But bad - pillowcase scenario , I speculate the athletes can front on the lustrous side : those exposed lively wires definitely provide that bedroom danger component .

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