Your cellphone ’s alarm system is going off : 7:30am . Last night ’s tequila snapshot pulse painfully in your synagogue as your eye wink against sticky Maybelline . You gape and roll over , and it come to you . This is not your sleeping accommodation … Although , the naked human saw logs to your left hand does have cockle back muscles . So that ’s a plus!But , what now ? in the lead of you is a long , daunting misstep back home . And even before that , you must devise a refined release design that takes into considerateness last night ’s cocktail dress and this forenoon ’s dinosaur intimation . With that in mind , I present to you point for making your walk of ignominy , a walk of pridefulness .
Plan ahead
Sometimes , you just know . you may feel it in your pubic region before you even leave for the bar that circa 12:18am , he ’s conk to send you that “ hi want to match up ? ” text . And you ’re unapologetically thrilled because , well , you ’re randy . But planning ahead for this get - together take more than aphrodisiac undies and plane your big toe ( oh , I have a champion who does that … ) It ’s about what youdon’tdo to ensure your morning voyage home go seamlessly . For example , do n’t spend all your paper at the prevention in pillowcase your 8 am taxi is hard cash only . Do n’t wear your Lady Gaga heel , or at least stuff a couplet of flat in your suitcase so come daylight you ’re not mistaken for working the corner . And skip the hair lengthiness – a snarly swamp monster attend out of your purse while you regulate umber will horrify fellow Dunkin ' sinker supporter .
Freshen up on the fly
The morning after an off-the-cuff adult sleepover is when you praise yourself for canalise Mary Poppins . As women , we ’re used to lug around excess crap in our bags . So make that crap serve a purpose by always carrying around traveling sizes of the following : make-up wipes , hairbrush , toothbrush , bobby pivot , fresh undies , and concealer . This way , you do n’t impart his place looking like you starred in a remake ofThe James Jerome Hill Have optic . Also , always have Altoids ( or be brave enough to search his medication cabinet for Listerine ) because a spearmint - fresh candy kiss goodbye just defecate a full mental picture .
Rules for borrowing sweats
If you are regular hookup pal , it ’s OK to involve if he ’ll lend you sweats for the trek back to your flat . But if you just met 12 time of day ago , do n’t request his wearing apparel unless he offers – a man knowshe’ll never get his favorite hoodie back . And feller , you ’re better off heading home in what you wear last night … because wearing her Lululemon yoga pants will raise more than just red flags .
Commit to your craft
I ’m not say the walking of disgrace is enjoyable , but hey , sway stilettos and a messy bun at 9 am assure the earth you had a not bad time last night ! You ca n’t hide it , so you might as well own it . It ’s the same concept as pass flatulency and saying “ my bad ” before someone can shout , “ What ’s that sense of smell ? ! ” – it ’s not embarrassing if you beat others to the punch . So swagger your stuff on your amble home ; make eye contact with each passerby , maybe even offer a grinning and a “ skilful morning ! ” Otherwise , grab a pair of sunglass and a scarf joint to channel your best Jackie O.
Office MVP
If “ just one ” wine spritzer at Thursday happy hr escalate into five ( and have someone ’s “ let ’s get out of here ” invitation ) , I partially spat you . But before heading to the office Friday morning , there ’s equipment casualty ascendance to do . Your professional repute is at wager ! go under your alarm betimes enough to either a ) go home first for a shower and change of clothes , or b ) have time to course to H&M for a newfangled rig , Sephorafor a make-up touch - up , and CVS for deodorant . Do n’t let your insatiable sex ride be the reason your genus Bos express joy in your face , especiallyif your end - of - year recap is come up .
Leave a note
In the age of engineering , the bedside short letter has become a lost prowess . And if you were far too busy tearing each other ’s clothes off last Nox to replace contact information , arrive sunrise , there ’s something quaint about leaving a short - and - unfermented note before you luxate out the door . Do n’t publish a novel , though – a first name , earphone number , and smiley face will get your point across .
No panties left behind
Ugh , do n’t be that person who pulls the Cinderella magic trick . It ’s the oldest one in the book . Forgetting something crucial like your grandfather ’s picket on the tabular array tells your “ date ” that you ’re either scatterbrained or set the stage for a reason to come back to their home . surrender an article of less grandness like underclothes or socks say that you ’re leaving your scratch the same way a wienerwurst urine on the curtains . None of these gesture are attractive . Be an grownup and check that you have all of your belonging before sidetrack . If the nighttime went well – forget habiliment or not – they ’ll text you back .
Don’t social media stalk (yet)
ride the subway home basking in a foreign combining of indignity and pride is NOT the time to find a sack of prison cell service and Facebook friend the person whose house you JUST left . She ’s not even awake yet ! Do n’t even put on the line scroll through Instagram – you ’re likely hungover , so a eluding of the finger’s breadth due to sub - par motor skills could result to an accidental “ like , ” which will earn you the “ sneak ” label . Play it nerveless and stick out by the three - twenty-four hour period normal – if you ’re the impatient form , at least wait until after 5 pm that nighttime .
Surviving All Saints' Day
Maintaining your ego - worth the day after a Halloween sexcapade is its own animal . My friends and I have really made a brunch biz out of THIS spectacle : on Nov 1 , post up by a diner window and sip your mimosa every time a slutty devil / slutty cat / slutty Crayola wax crayon hobbles by like a hurt fawn . The double standard is this : we ’ve all done it ( probably in college ) , but we’restillgoing to laugh at your tough luck and mangled Katy Perry costume . Do n’t give anyone that satisfaction . Request an Uber to get you room access to door . Do not pass GO , do not pull together $ 200 , do not block at Starbucks , and go straight to jail ( I signify , home ) .
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