Pat Benatar alert the Carry Amelia Moore Nation of the United States Department of State of love when she compared it to the heavy artillery unit and dirty bombs one face in a war . But do you think the idea of my body being metaphorically blown to smithereens cease me from see not one , but two ( yeah … ) of my best friend ’s x - lady friend ?
Indeed , it did not .
But this is n’t about Peter ( fake name ) , Jessica ( simulated name ) , or even Mothra Blurgenstein ( shockingly , actual name – kidding ! ) It ’s about what I did n’t do and , more importantly , what peopleshoulddo when pursuing the exes of their best friends , or less - than - good friend , even . From the lip of relationship fuck - ups and our resident sex sociologist , Dr. Chauntelle Tibbals , here is what you should and should n’t do while dating the X of a supporter .
COLE SALADINO/THRILLIST
Assess the situation
What variety of X are we speak about here ? Did they date for a week in 8th grade and break up up via AIM ? Have they been together for 10 class and just ended thing in an emotionally draining way ? Assess the situation by set yourself in their shoes and opine about how you would react if the situation was flipped .
" The thing to remember is to be open about your feelings " , suppose Dr. Tibbals . " Though you always hightail it the risk of hurting others , no good ever come from maintain closed book in these type of situations . It ’s also of import to remember the evolving index of social norms . Your friend may be OK with what ’s happening at one point , but their feeling may alter . "
I go for my dear friend ’s first ex - girl a day after they damp up . serve it to say , neither one of them was over it . Yikes . Sorry , Peter , I was very much the asshole in the post .
COLE SALADINO/THRILLIST
Ask yourself if it’s worth it
Seriously , what is it about him or her that ’s worth potentially cease a friendship over ? Is it just a physical thing ? Do you think you two actually have a future together ? Do n’t gamble everything for the possibility of piping - blistering sex . sex activity is antic and all , but there are so many other the great unwashed ( whohaven’tseen your unspoilt Quaker nude ) who will gladly catch some Z’s with you .
" Are you romanticizing the person ? " require Dr. Tibbals . " Are you making them out to be an idealised version of what they truly are ? Is there in reality something there ? Let an honest assessment of your feelings factor into how you decide to proceed .
" the great unwashed often idealize things they only see in ‘ high spot reel ’ form . Your protagonist ’s pardner may seem awe-inspiring on a Saturday dark when that ’s all you see of them , but a true connecter ( disregarding of how you met ) is always tougher to line up . The good matter is to be fair with yourself regarding the nature of your feelings . Are you just looking to bang ? "
COLE SALADINO/THRILLIST
The intellect I go after TWO of my BFF ’s ex - girlfriends is that I really believe I would make a skillful match with both women . Having so many partake in interest made it seem like we would make a terrific twosome . That being said , the first human relationship I quest after was not worth it , because I did n’t take the time to intend if dating my best supporter ’s ex would bankrupt our friendship .
The second clip was okay , because neither of us like the girl that much .
Consult your friend first
Before you go sticking your clapper in isolated orifices ( like her font , ya pervert ) verbalize to your friend and tell apart him how you find . Take consolation in the fact that there ’s no conceivable way it can not be awkward .
" Directly ! " chimes in the good doc . " require directly , say the watchword . Inferring , by definition , go out room for interpretation . Even if it may be uncomfortable , make your desires and intention known . Though this might not lick everything , it ’s a upright first step . "
Objectively , it ’s a weird thing to go after someone who by all odds had sex with your best friend . Eskimo brother be damned ! waitress , is it still cosher to use the term " Eskimo " ? await , is it still kosher to use the term " kosher " when not talking about intellectual nourishment blessed by a rabbi ? !
recollect of the conversation as a PowerPoint presentation . Walk them through your feelings , explain your intentions , and really hear to convey that you ’re not just looking for sex and lawfully can fall in love . Still … stride very , very thinly and acknowledge that what you ’re doing is a huge social false pascal .
So , maybe your friend is rather nerveless with it , but has some reservations . Whatever you do , do not cut those reservations . If he ’s over her , but will need a few months to be fine with the concept of you two as a couple , examine your heavy to give him space .
If seeing you two osculate or show affection is going to give him some kind of mental breakdown , reckon out a plan to make it figure out – pending he gives the OK for you two to particular date .
Don’t flaunt your love
Even if your friend claims to not care about witnessing warmheartedness , make a point to chant it down while around him . There ’s nothing untimely with maintain handwriting or fondling , but reconsider going into a full - on dry - jut seance while you ’re all sitting on the couch together watchingWaterworld .
Don’t go behind their back
We ’re saving the best for last , except this one is " honest " in the common sense that it ’s the honorable way you ’ll get excommunicated by your grouping of admirer constantly if you do it . Do n’t mess around with your friend ’s ex-wife behind his back . That ’s a shitty affair to do and they will almost always , necessarily , find out .
" This is the only result that ’s bare , " aver Dr. Tibbals . " No . Never . "
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Jeremy Glassis a author for Thrillist and has finally learned his lesson .
