It ’s 4 promethium , Thursday afternoon . I ’m hunched over the thirteenth ( ! ) sports stadium of Cinnamon Toast Crunch I ’ve had in four day . My brain feel as torpid and limp as the footling squares soaking in the Milk River beneath me , and on a scale of one toGERRREEEEAAAAAAAAAAT , my stomach is a solid " You ’re on your own , dude . " This is life on the Cereal Cleanse .
Last week , in response to the semi - late and suspect - at - proficient " millennials - hate - cereal " reportage , I embarked on a regimented , cereal - single diet for seven days . That ’s 21 breezy meal of only my preferent Well - Balanced Breakfast ™ in a bowl . My goal was to bring awareness to millennian awareness of cereal , and also , I just wanted to see what would happen . Guys , I went fullcoo - coo .
Day 1, Monday: I’m living a blessed life
I ’m late for oeuvre , so I begin my first grain - only daylight on the underground with Froot Loops ( as dramatically revivify above ) . ordinarily , I take around 2,000 calories a day . To keep my diet stabilized , I want to agree that number as well I can . This means I require to eat about 13 - 15 measured received serve sizing of grain with a half - cup of skim milk each and every day . I also plan to add together in yield to one meal a day . You know , so I do n’t die .
I feel fine . For lunch , I throw forethought to the wind and eat two bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch . I ’m living a blessed life sentence . For dinner , I have more Cinnamon Toast Crunch ( CTC from here on out ) . I ’ve had nine bowls of CTC today , fall well under my average daily gram calorie count ( I ’m polish off about 1,400 ) , and feel slaked . This is great . I go running , like I usually do on Mondays , and head to seam smiling with a spoonful in my hand and milk in my spoon . I ’ll have to lave my sheets tomorrow . I ’m proud of with what life and food grain are pass on me . Which reminds me I want to plunk up some Life cereal at some point . It ’s a classic .
Day 2, Tuesday: I still feel pretty good!
I palpate a little sluggish in the forenoon , but my energy ’s cursorily rejuvenated when I check open a refreshful box of Lucky Charms for breakfast . I have two bowls , and buzz on pure , gamy - fructose Irish destiny until lunchtime , when I thresh about back one bowl of Special K with some banana slices . Overall , I ’m feeling pretty good , and I call back this is a damn fine musical theme . Thoughlicensed dietitian Jennifer Christmandisagrees .
" A pot of mass - produced cereals are strengthen with many of the vitamins and minerals you demand , " she tells me , " but there ’s no way you’re able to get everything you need without a well - balanced diet . " She pronounce this very gently , after politely laughing at me . Though , with my current aspiration , I get about 80 - 120 gee of protein in my skimming milk , which is correct where I need to be . Also , my calcium intake is a - roaring . My bones have never felt girthier .
This even I eat a bowl of Kix . A really weird , sweet taste overwhelms my oral cavity as I settle into sleep . Part of me thinks it ’s just my unexampled toothpaste , another thinks it might be foreshadowing . That like , maybe this cereal thing was a bad melodic theme . In the heart of the night , I snaffle a fistful of CTC on my room back from the can . It ’s still good . My fears are assuaged . For at least one more day .
Cole Saladino/Thrillist
Day 3, Wednesday: I crave fruits and vegetables
I eat my daybreak meal with two millennian co - workers who were inspired to take up the spoon with me in solidarity . The reenforcement feel good . But , I find myself suddenly repulsed by CTC , toothsome as it is , because I ’ve run through like , 2 lb of it in the past 48 minute . I eat Frosted Flakes or else , then Special K with fruit again for lunch , and an extra roll of Raisin Bran , to keep me regular . Cereal has kind of misplace its taste for me , though . I ’m actively craving fruits and vegetable . I tell apart Christman my symptoms . " Here , you are likely experience food fatigue – your body is adjudicate to intuitively tell you what it ’s lacking , what it need , " she says .
The clip I expend feeding has drastically decoct , as cereal is a quick meal . I am more productive . For dinner party , I eat Cap’n Crunch with soy milk , which apparently , was Prince ’s favorite combination . I do this while listening toPurple Rain . RIP to a fellow food grain connoisseur . I welcome the soy milk , as I feel sick from the amount of dairy I ’ve consumed . I have trouble run , and go home early . I weigh myself before I go to bed – I ’ve mislay 2 lb . My mouth is torn up from repeat Cap’n Crunch lashings . I swan the cereal grass off , as my resistant arrangement is bring down , and I can not take the risk .
Day 4, Thursday: Focusing is a thing of the past
It is the halfway point of my oat - filled champion ’s journey and I have hit a rampart . uncanny things are happen . I ’m having a inferno of a sentence focusing . I bump myself standing up and walking around . I talk to citizenry I do n’t normally talk to , and my words are senseless . I impel myself to use up unornamented Rice Krispies . I do so without Milk River . The cobwebby amount of Milk River I am ingesting is making me feel revolt , as I normally only consume dairy farm in my coffee bean . I feel like Manny Pacquiao is using my gall bladder as a upper bag .
Technically , oatmeal is call spicy cereal . I ’ve never hear anyone in reality call it blistering cereal , but somehow I fuck that someone out there calls it hot cereal . I am in too much pain to have this argument right now , though . I ’m sure if I do n’t switch thing up my insides might shrivel up like the Grinch ’s center before he loved Christmas . For tiffin , I have instant burgoo with apple and bananas placed in it , like little alimentary land mine in a field of quick - made , steamy drivel . For dinner party , I force myself to eat Smacks .
" You are in all probability experiencing brain fog , " Christman state . " Your blood scratch is spiking then drop , you are n’t getting the nutrients you need . " I ’m start to think : is all this cereal grass too much of a good thing ? Have I , like Icarus , flown too near to the sun , only to see my wings burn off in a atrocious blaze of Franken Berries ? Am I literally going mad right now ?
Day 5, Friday: My outlook is bleak
I can not bear to drink any more Milk River , so I eat my Frosted Flakes breakfast serving raw click , no liquidity . I ’ve lose my favorable spoon . It ’s unacceptable to get piece of work done , and I palpate somewhat drunk . I crave weird and random food and look . I find myself wanting to taste ketchup . I smell a phantom plate of celery . My craving for heart and soul has reached superlative degree and as I walk through the meat - filled speciality market Dean & Deluca in Manhattan to get deep brown , my mouth waters so much a guy must follow me around with a swab .
Today , I swear on the Jacob’s ladder of co - workers , as several of them meet with me in cereal solidarity at the first ( maybe bi - annual ? ) Thrillist Cereal Luncheon to prove that cereal is very much still alive in the hearts of the new . I have Rice Krispies with friends , then do my best not to pass out until the goal of the day . For dinner party I put homemade granola –made by my colleague Elaheh– in Milk River with some bananas because I worry I ’m go to get gout or scurvy or maybe both . It look as cereal , OK ?
Day 6, Saturday: I never thought it would get this bad
I inflame up and do n’t do much for a while . I feel fine , actually . I do errands and then go running . My legs sense as if they are submerse in a bowling ball of soggy Wheaties – and I do n’t get far . Afterwards , I eat a bowl of Special K. I consume some beerios ( cereal – in this case , Rice Krispies – with beer as Milk River ) to pregame for the night . I do not enjoy this .
I drank alcoholic drink just once during the week , and feel its effects fast because I ’m eating way less than I normally wipe out . I go out to the bar this peculiar Saturday and feel like myself , possibly , even , a fiddling more charming than usual ( in all likelihood riding the dizzying meridian of sugar in high spirits ) . I test to imbibe a beer , but feel weak forthwith , and require to go home . When I get home , I eat a assist sizing each of Reese ’s Puffs , Cocoa Puffs , Pops , Waffle Crisp , and Rice Krispie Treats cereal in a big ol' Frankenstein combo sports stadium . A supercut of ' real might reinvigorate my pursuance and crowd me through the finish credit line in earmark dash , like Jordan twinkle at the Philadelphia bench .
I fall at rest quickly after , clutching my breadbasket and cursing the day I decided to go spoonful - deep in the surprisingly benighted world of supermarket oats and grain . I cry a slight , to be honest . I manage to put up just over 2,000 cals today . A raw record high … survive out with a hit .
Cole Saladino/Thrillist
Day 7, Sunday: My brain may never be the same
I wake up . consume two stadium of wry Waff . I think here , at the oddment of all things , I might have found some peace in my journeying . Some zen among the hordes of rice potato chip and sugar balls and fake marshmallow . finally , I think I proved my decimal point , though , now I kind of forget what that degree was , or if I even had a breaker point . I give myself a final weigh - in – I ’ve lost 5 lb in one hebdomad , but the genial toll this cleanse has contract storm me the most . I am slower , more air - headed , and less able to focus . I sense like Charlie fromFlowers for Algernon , and like him , I hope they let me keep my occupation when this is all done .
To finish off the Cereal Cleanse , I hitMomofuku Milk Barfor cereal ice emollient . As I use up it , I mull over back on the 81 ( yes , 81 ) bowling ball of cereal I consumed over the last workweek . I end up average around 1,735 kilocalorie of cereal a day . I had sugar - blasted highschool , and doughy - bottom lows , but one thing is for certain : I ’ll probably never eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch again . All great thing , even cereal grass , should be enjoyed in temperance .
" I would n’t recommend this cleanse , or dieting , " Christman says . " It ’s not very healthy . Cereal has a place in our diet , but maybe one bowl a day . And a healthier option than most of the kinds you ’ve been eating . "
Cole Saladino/Thrillist
I can only hope I do n’t feel like this for the rest of my lifespan .
" If you do n’t get best in a few days , contact a medical professional . "
Will do .
Cole Saladino/Thrillist
Sign up herefor our daily Thrillist electronic mail , and get your pickle of the best in food / drunkenness / fun .
Cole Saladino/Thrillist
Cole Saladino/Thrillist
Cole Saladino/Thrillist
Cole Saladino/Thrillist
