As chipper as they may seem on the outside , your neighbourhood barista is probably one of the most tormented individual you interact with on a casual cornerstone . Between their eternal hangovers , the incapacitating pupil loanword debt they take from their liberal humanistic discipline degree , and thecircus of weirdosthey’re required to babysit , make no fault : years of making half - caf single - shot 32 oz soy lattes ( Did I say soy ? I mean almond ! Oh no , you have to throw the old one away ? Sorry ! ) is slowly crushing their soul . And although Portland is known to be the big leagues for aspire baristas whoshow up from all over the countryto maltreat their secret plan up and make a decent bread and butter while they ’re at it , do n’t recollect the high-pitched stake of the scene intend the folks behind the retort at your local cafe have n’t last some shit . We surveyed a handful of them and got some juicy storey about the lowest of lows they ’ve encountered here in Coffeeland .
The wrong milk becomes a literal shitshow
" It was a busy weekend morning and I was on the espresso car . I grab a new guy who ’d only been there a couple weeks and asked him to help steam milk for lattes and such to expedite the process and get people ’s salute out a picayune faster . I hear a customer need the miss at the heel counter to double check and check that his drink – a big quadriceps - gibe mocha with special chocolate – was soy . No problem , right ? Well , the new hombre is fumbling through the slate coming down the melodic line , and there ’s some confusion over what type of Milk River he put in this guy wire ’s drink . He add it to the top of two double shots , and we ’re so in the weeds that I know having to re - make a drinkable with all those shot in it will totally ruin us . So I pass the boozing off to the guy , assuming the append shots and chocolate will cloak the flavour of whatever it ’s supposed to savour like and he ’ll be on his direction .
" I was inform that the swallow was NOT soy , and the proof was waiting for me in the john . "
Turns out the guy was flow out for a while doing some body of work on his laptop computer . A couple time of day or so by and by I remark him head to the can with a bit more spring in his stair than the ordinary somebody who needs to hit the head . About 20 minutes later he heads back up to the heel counter to inform me that the drink was NOT soy , and the substantiation that it was n’t is await for me to take with in the bathroom . I put channel tape over the door care and wrote OUT OF orderliness on a slice of composition board and dealt with it after we closed . I give serious thought to going to grad schoolhouse and finding another line of employment after that . " -Evan , Alberta
Jacob Lund/Shutterstock
Don’t trust the yuppies with your Wi-Fi
" I help open a deep brown store at the bottom of one of those unworthy young flat buildings that developers give cheesedick public figure like ' The Johnson ' or ' Flats on 43rd ' or whatever . There were only a few tenant in the edifice when we moved in , and most of them mooched off our Wi - Fi because Comcast was a calendar month behind in setting up internet for the residuum of the building . One of our first regulars was this real pervy guy who would walk by in the morning and only stop in if a girl was behind the riposte . He ’d sit in the box on his laptop with a cupful of umber he seldom touched and follow who knows what for hours . One day , I ’m pretty indisputable I heard some porn noises before he was able-bodied to plug in his earphone . I propel some tables around to make it so his porn turning point was no longer habitable , and he stopped coming in as much . We then tot up a password to our electronic internet and he pretty much disappear .
A couple weeks by and by we get one of those letters from Comcast suppose illegal bodily process is happening on our internet and we need to knock it off or they ’ll hand us over to the CIA or whatever . Later that hebdomad , another guy who just go into the building sees porno guy walk by the front room access and is like , ' Ugh I see the most terrible mother fucker coming from that guy cable ’s flat next room access . I do n’t know how to secernate him to use headphones without being able to look him in the eye ever again . ' Just for charge , we start twist the Wi - Fi off before we close up every night . I demand porn guy ’s neighbour if the noises have stopped after a few day , and he state it ’s almost like the guy completely disappeared . Problem solved I imagine ? " -Rose , Hawthorne
The unintentional aiding and abetting
" We ’re about to close up , and I see this marvellous scraggy bozo with a bunch of speculative tattoo pacing around the front of our storage . He comes in and starts bugging the few customers who are left in the store until I take the air over and say him to take a salary increase . I ’m closing the shop by myself and was trying to get out of there as promptly as possible , but this gallant was giving me a really regretful feeling . He kept asking me to take over my phone . I told him no over and over , and finally think I could strike a business deal and promise him to use the telephone set for a second base if he foretell me to exit the right way after . He said that was comely , so I handed him our cordless and recite him he had to stay within a few feet of the register . He made a couple Call , the last ending dead when he scream some f - bomb and persist out of the shop .
" This guy rope used our phone to call his principal and the cop were onto it . "
" I carry on with closing the store until about half an time of day later when the copper show up . They say a call was made from our turn to a identification number that was under bill of indictment – so essentially this guy used our phone to call his trader and the cops were onto it . I just smoke a bowlful in the back and was freaking out because I could n’t think of if I put it away or not – this was back before it was legalized . I told them about the louche dandy who used the phone , and luckily they believed me after I described him . I guess they ’d view him lurking around Pioneer Square earlier , so I assume they just went back there and nabbed him . " -Keith , Downtown
The mystery of the $2 bills
" The fund I used to form at was middling close to a church that had AA meetings , so we ’d get a small rush of that crowd every now and then before the group meeting . Our genus Bos was on holiday and block to stock us up on modification , so we put up a sign asking for small bills . One of our regulars was a terpsichorean at a popular club that ’s be intimate for stocking their ATM and block off with $ 2 ’s , and she offered to sell us a clustering one daylight . A lot of customers got weirded out when I turn over them a stack of $ 2 ’s as alteration , for obvious reason , I guess , so I commence sandwich them between other note so they would n’t find unless they counted . One of the AA guys came in for a small coffee , paid with a $ 20 , and I jammed a bunch of the $ 2 ’s between a pair of cinque . He walked off and that was that .
" The thing with regulars is that you do n’t really miss them when they ’re go until you see them a while later and marvel where they ’ve been . Well , I ran into the guy at a striptease golf club a few calendar month after that , and he was not in well shape . I asked him why I had n’t seen him at the shop anymore , and he severalize me his girl recede her mind when she found a clump of $ 2 ’s in his wallet one night . He pronounce he could n’t remember where they came from , but she assumed they come from a strip gild . He then took them to a cartoon strip club and got ' biblically shitfaced , ' as he put it . I offered to give him a ride home right then and there , but his turn for a lap saltation was up so he walked off with a stripper and I have not seen the guy rope since then . " -Karen , North Portland
Absolutely not the next foodie trend
" As go bad the neighborhood , I ’ve look on my store get overrun with the kind bougie new - geezerhood people that make shopping at Whole Foods the most painful experience ever . This one regular would always add up in and ask us about the nit - pickiest detail of our food – whether or not the tomatoes in the soup were organic , the lavation method of our exclusive source beans – and patently this woman was gluten - spare for no good reason . It turns out she was pregnant for most of the time when I first started noticing her , because she resurface a month after with a baby strapped to her chest in some kind of handmade waistband she bought for $ 200 off Etsy . This fair sex was always wiretap us about our alternative milks , none of which were up to her standards .
" This was the most insanitary thing anyone has ever enquire me to do as a barista . "
" She postulate for a latte one daylight , and before I could ask her if she want to give our hemp milk a feeling she started to slue a George Mason jolt of off - white fluid across the counter . It was chest milk . It took everything inside me to inhibit the impulse to jumpstart into traffic and courteously severalise her that this was the most unsanitary thing anyone has ever ask me to do in my long life as a barista . She was pee , and I have n’t seen her since then . Good riddance ! " -Steve , Kerns
Next time, leave the dog at home
" For some intellect , people in Portland think it ’s OK to convey their frank into place if they ’re only going to be a few minutes . If you ’re reading this , take note : it ’s NOT OK to get your dog-iron into restaurants , and here ’s why . Some lady bring her Border Collie puppy into my shop while I was still training , and everyone thought it was right smart too cute to kick out on the stain like we normally do . It was a busy Sunday morning shift – I was stuck head for the hills dish and being the lackey for most of the day , and did n’t want citizenry to think I was a monster for kicking out this cute niggling pup that was basically just sitting in the corner doing nothing .
" If you ’re read this , take distinction : it ’s NOT OK to bring your frankfurter into restaurant . "
" evidently no one noticed the thing entrust a dump on the way out , because a few bit after a hombre leaves with an Americano in one hand and his phone he ’s star at in the other . He steps on the mess and slip immediately , spilling his blistering chocolate all over his pants and his earpiece . Guess who had to clean all this up ? DON’T bring in YOUR DOG INTO COFFEE SHOPS . EVER . " -Lauren , Richmond / Sunnyside
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