On a Tuesday in early June I was crouch down at one of my favorite local watering holes , theCorner Doorin Culver City , a charming spot with a stellar cocktail broadcast . I ordered aNegroni , my go - to starter deglutition for the last while . I used to kick off nights out with a twosome Twelve Mile Limits , but my newly acquired hangover allergic reaction put an oddment to that . Besides , a 12 - statute mile anything in LA invariably takes at least 90 minutes .

“ Got anything fun planned for National Negroni Week ? ” asked Bethany the bartender , as she slide my favorite ruby - colored libation ( with extragin , thanks ) in front of me .

“ National Negroni Week … ” I began , too embarrassed to admit that after 20 years on the grownup beverage beat I ’d never get a line of such a thing . “ When ’s that encounter again ? ”

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“ Started yesterday , ” she said , before enumerating a shocking number of Negroni - related specials uncommitted around town — Negronis served in electric light at Belcampo , Negroni Burger at Umami , ice cream Negronis at Sprinkles , Negroni - infuse butt implants at Dr. Nippentuck ’s in Beverly Hills . “ It ’s for charity , ” she continued .

As image of tabloid - clad hard liquor company execs rattle change cups on skid quarrel faded from my head , my cerebration shifted . As far as manufacture vacation invented to further liquor company profits go , maybe National Negroni Week is n’t so bad . turn out Bethany was right — it does bring up money for the needy . According to the NNW website , in 2015 more than 3,500 venues around the world participated , raising just over $ 320,000 for charitable effort . That ’s wonderful , I thought . Almost a third of a million bucks go to citizenry that involve it and otherwise would n’t have gotten it . Then I did the one thing a liquor writer should never do …

The math .

My intellection shifted again . harmonise to my calculations , $ 320,000 from 3,500 venues averages out to $ 91.43 per venue . Over a calendar week , that averages to $ 13.06 per day . Which is around the cost of one Los Angeles - priced Negroni ( sans tip ) per day , minus administrative costs and adjusted for exchange pace and … You have it off what ? On second mentation , as far as holidays excogitate by pot liquor fellowship to boost profits go , perchance National Negroni Week is so bad !

I just require people to be good when they lie to me . There are a lot of regular previous running play - of - the - grind invented pot liquor companionship holiday , from NationalDaiquiriDay ( July 19th ) to National Vodka Day ( October 4th ) . Irish Coffee gets an intact week at the end of January ( insert Irish drinking joke here ) . And what I really appreciate about these bastard observances is that their personal digital assistant had the decency to debar any and all beneficent pretense .

These fake vacation are naked attempt to goose interestingness and sales for no reason other than to goose interest and sales . They are honest lies that embody America ’s two fundamental values : greed and shamelessness . Besides that , these designated drinking day are an important while of the social contract — I want to get loaded on Yom Kippur , and these multitude assure me that ’s a normal and innate thing to want to do , so long as I drink a specific kind of booze . And that ’s where the relationship should cease .

But when someone tries to pull strings me with illusive prayer to my sense of magnanimity , things get weird fast . Because permit ’s get one affair straight — I do n’t drink to help hoi polloi . I drink to beat the spirits of the people who love me most . Convincing me I ’m somehow “ helping ” by drink enough Negronis to fill Arnold Schwarzenegger ’s swim consortium is nothing but empty pandering . Just tell me it ’s a vacation , and I ’ll drink your dogshit . I live for this material .

Which is why I ’ve made the ultimate forfeiture . Yes , it ’s summertime , and yes , Negronis are objectively the most refreshing high - proof cocktail in macrocosm , and yes , they are very hard to bonk up so you’re able to set up them in bars that are n’t trying to convert themselves they ’re living in 1929 . But no . No more . I have not order a unmarried Negroni since that former June night at the Corner Door .

If I ’ve learned anything in my 30 - some - rum years on the major planet it ’s that sometimes you ’ve get to take a base . Like refusing to admit you dye your hair and are actually in your mid-40s , even when multitude point out that ’s not what it says on your stupid prevaricator of a number one wood ’s licence . you may quantify age your way ; I ’ll measure it my room . And I ’ve decided you ’re only as old as how many Negronis you ’ve had in your sprightliness . In other words , I have find out a elbow room to stop time . You ’re welcome .

Taking a pedestal is n’t always wanton , peculiarly if you pledge for a animation . But it ’s all that separates us from politicians . I did n’t need to abandon my beloved Negronis . But I did it anyway . Does that make me a hero ? Probably . Will it magically cause me to never maturate another Clarence Day ? Without a dubiousness .

All I cognize is that next clip I visit Bethany I ’ll be tell a suspender of Twelve Mile Limits , hangover be damned . Take THAT , charity !