Ketchup is awful . That ’s not an legal opinion , that ’s a fact . call back that horrifying small ginger kid fromProblem Child , the flyspeck sociopath hiding behind a saccharine smile and stupid red bow-tie ? That ’s ketchup , America ’s snotty - nosed baby bro , beaming away while he torture cats and squeeze contaminating sweat socks into his grandad ’s sass . And for some godforsaken reason , America just ca n’t get enough of it .
Ketchup is a beastly condiment , squashing beautiful flavors with the indiscriminate brutality of Ramsay Bolton .
We are a nation obsessed , just ask Stephen Colbert . Recently , the later - night host ’s hiddenColbert Condiment Camcaptured GOP Convention goer sweat it out in an 120 minute line all for a few measly beefburger - topping pumps . Then , as if it could n’t get any worse , the comedic maven ’ DNC cam catch a mysterious Democratic delegate gruesomely tossing back cetchup shot like some 7th grader on a lunchroom dare . Have we , as a citizenry , lose our mode , our decency , our minds ? These are spring up men and charwoman , for crying out aloud , our elect leadership disport firetruck - hue discolouration on their lapel like American flag pins . e-mail - schmemails – turns out the veridical crooked political leader are squirting sticky crimson streak from from both sides of the gangway .
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist
Ketchup is hands down the beastliest of all condiments , squelch beautiful spirit with the indiscriminate brutality ofRamsay Bolton . It has no regard for harmony , no respect for the craft of cooking , the love and forethought that goes into gear up every pernicious greenback , every ticklish detail . And to tally affront to injury , those who enjoy it tend to hose down their dinner party plates like they ’re putting out a ardor . Slather ketchup on a cheeseburger and it ’s much impossible to spot the difference betweenDaniel Boulud ’s $ 140 Royale Double Truffle Burgerand a day - erstwhile White Castle Slider . The only thing worse thanordering a prissy piece of steak well - done ? Asking for aside of ketchupwith it . It ’s a chef ’s flaming nightmare .
I ’m not saying mayonnaise and mustard are the movie of wellness , but ketchup truly phones it in .
Also , it ’s flat - out atrocious for you . I ’m not saying mayonnaise and table mustard are the motion picture of health , but ketchup really call it in . Most name - brand varieties are loaded with not one but two different types ofGMO - derived in high spirits fructose corn whisky sirup , contain a negligible amount of actual tomato paste , and are break with enough sodium to kill a hamster ( an untested possibility , but I ’d put $ 5 on it ) . Sure , the recording label might claim a unmarried dish up weighs in at mere 20 calories , but how often does a tomato ketchup head hang up the bottle after just one tablespoon ? It ’s so comically unhealthy that when President Reagan tried to class cetchup as a vegetable in rules of order to cutschool lunchcosts , Republican Senator John Heinz , ( yes , that Heinz ) , famously called the idea “ one of the most silly regulations I ever get word of ” – and that ’s from a hombre who probably had ketchup in his infant bottle .
Even I ’ve fallen prey to ketchup ’s statement . Growing up in the Midwest , I wear ketchup was but part of life , squirting it onto live dogs and hamburgers like there was no other option . I do n’t commend lick it up , but I do recall ingest it , at least until first ground level . That was when Brendon Allen started bringing catsup - and - bologna sandwiches to schooltime on the daily , filling the entire classroom with a gag - inducement , smelly odor , cloyingly sweet with stratum of spittle - sucking salt . The wretched schlub would ride there at his desk with a handful of oozing bloodless bread , bright ruby-red Heinz 57 stretch out across his font like The Joker . That sort of vulgarity , you simply ca n’t unsee .
And it did n’t cease there . geezerhood later , I found myself charged with laundry dishes in the schooling dining hall . My murky bin of rinsing water was gnarly from the get , but as soon as that first ketchup - besmirch plate entered the intermixture , I knew shit was about to get much , much bad . Have you ever smell the smell of ardent , wet ketchup body of water , that sickly jazz band of Bloody Mary mix and putrid apple cider vinegar , of rancid tomato plant sauce and spew ? entrust me , if you had , you ’d hate that garbage , too .
Even street - food connoisseur Anthony Bourdain has a few discussion for the cetchup - minded .
speak of righteous condiment crusaders , I ’ve get some heavy striker in my corner . Louis ’ Lunch , the hundred honest-to-goodness Connecticut institution that reputedly invented the burger , famously ostracize the sludge and threaten to 86 anyone who defy B.Y.O.K. for LIFE . The National Hot Dog and Sausage Council ( this is a real thing that be ) goes as far as to deemdressing a dog with ketchup entirely insufferable over the age of 18 . Ca n’t imagine a whelp without the ‘ chup ? Just postulate any self - honor Chicagoan – they ’ll set you square . Even street - solid food cognoscente Anthony Bourdain has a few words for the ketchup - disposed . “ Do not put catsup on your red-hot dogs , ” he warned viewer in the Chicago episode ofTravel Channel’sThe Layover . “ Be assured God does n’t need you to do that . " These are my people : the few , the majestic , the catsup - less .
As the late Pulitzer Prize - winnerMike Roykoonce said , " if someone require to put tomato ketchup on a spicy hot dog and actually eat the dreadful thing , that is their right . It is also their rightfield to put mayo or chocolate syrup or toenail clippings or cat hair on a spicy wienerwurst . sure as shooting , it would be skanky and perverted , and they would be shaming themselves and their loved 1 . But under our organization of administration , it is their right to be barbarians . " So , to all you nursing bottle - squeezing sheeple out there , if you want to destroy your food for thought , be my client – it ’s a devoid nation after all . Just be heedful not to finish up on the wrong side of story .
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