Welcome back toOff the Menu , where we wreak you the best and strange food stories from my electronic mail inbox . This hebdomad , we have stories of restaurant customers who were dumb beyond all reason or rationality . As always , these are material electronic mail from real readers , though public figure have been changed .
The legend of Lawsuit Lady
“ For a while , I had a part - time job as a sample distribution lady in a supermarket . You guess it ’s hard to serve multitude food for money ? Try give it away for detached and watch how quickly they devolve into feral animals . There were lots of snot-nosed kid , gluttonous bunghole , title women , and all - round oecumenical jerks . But the one that stayed with me the most was Lawsuit Lady .
“ I was sampling salad dressing in the produce subdivision . It was the midsection of winter of course , so I was wearing five coats , and masses were tracking slush and muck into the store all twenty-four hours . There was a store employee whose only job was pout , and he was busy . The conditions was crap , so there were n’t too many customers in the late afternoon , and at one pointedness I was alone in the immense produce area . I was busy when I hear someone clearing her throat . I bet up and there was a midriff older woman standing about 20 ft aside in between two huge mesa filled with yield .
“ As I made centre physical contact with her , she diminish down . When I say she fell down , I think of that she slipped and slid and pinwheeled her arms in the fakest , most glorious blunder I have ever seen in my life .
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist
Somebody call out “ It was n’t a whoremaster ! ” and there was Lawsuit Lady , sitting with ice ingroup on her ankle – I guess still wait for the ambulance .
“ I burst out laughing ( she must have hear me ) , and , I shit you not , I started front around for hidden cameras , win over that I was being prank or Punk’d or something . Nobody abound out to ask me to be on television , so I looked back at the madam . I could n’t see her , but I could hear her mewling and scrabbling around on the floor . For a moment , she raised her head to train to see if I was paying attention , then fell back to the trading floor and moaned louder .
“ I at once cotton on ; she was going to sue the storage for a skillful payout , and I was her only witness . Fuck that shit . I go back to my phone and ignored her increasingly more anguished bleating . After a few mo , a teenage employee , a boy , walk through the section , saw her , and help her to the front of the store .
“ I started pack up my clobber , sure that a coach was on the way . He showed up three minutes by and by holding a digital camera and asked if I had a minute . I showed him the spot where she fell , and it was bone dry ! He started taking pictures of the absolutely clean and dry non - slip flooring and expect what happened . I tell him she took a nose dive . The fakest , most obvious dive in the history of dives . He laughed and state me the lady was at the front of the store wait for an ambulance . I gave him my name and phone number and offered to sign a statement for any lawyer who needed one .
“ I go for a smoking breakage , and when I came back I walked across past all the registers to get to the washroom . Somebody cried out ‘ It was n’t a deception ! ’ and there was Lawsuit Lady , sitting with ice pack on her ankle – I guess still waiting for the ambulance . I gave her a thumbs up and kept walk . I never hear any more about it , so I guess she decide not to process . ” –Melanie Walker
Nothing with egg
“ In college , I briefly work at a restaurant popular with the hippie set in Boulder , Colorado . Once , during breakfast service , a very uppish flower child man set up one of our breakfast combos , which was potato pancakes , pancakes , and a deep-fried egg . When I fix the dish in front of him , he force the fried egg off his platter onto an appetizer plate with expectant disgust , using as small of his knife as possible .
“ I can not overstress how grossed out he was by that egg . I might as well have served a beat informer on his plate . He said he had no idea that it do with an egg and could I please remove the egg , as he was a strict vegan . He definitely could not take in anything with egg !
“ He then move to eat the entire remainder of the saucer : griddlecake and Solanum tuberosum pancakes . Which are made with egg . ” –Sarah Karl
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist
This is not the store you’re looking for
“ I worked at a semi - internal sub range of mountains , DiBella ’s . We were station next to a Pizza Hut , and kind of shared a parking lot with them . However , both places had very dissimilar signage and branding , and were not attached to each other in any way .
“ One Clarence Shepard Day Jr. , a madam walks in and say ‘ Can I have the $ 10 special ? ’ At first I thought maybe she had us flurry with Quiznos or Subway or some other local sub position or something . I said we did not have any specials like that .
“ charwoman : ‘ No , I want the $ 10 any pizza deal . ’
“ Me : * Stares blankly for a moment * ‘ I am good-for-naught lady , we do not serve well pizza here . ’
“ Woman : * really dismayed * ‘ You do n’t ? ! This is Pizza Hut ! ’
“ Me : ‘ … No , ma’am , they ’re located next doorway . ’
“ adult female : * eyes light up * ‘ Ohhhhh . OK ! give thanks you honey ! ’
“ To ensure I was not dead unbalanced , I went outside and count the identification number of times you saw our company ’s name before go about the counter to order . Seventeen , let in two turgid mansion out front , the name on both sets of doors , and various very visible signage , and the embroidered hats we wore . ” –Al Byers
A crime against pancakes
“ My best friend and I sleep with to travel , and a major highlight of our trip is eating at mulct - dining establishments . We had planned a trip to NYC and were promise dining at Daniel , WD50 , Le Bernardin , etc . At the last minute a friend asked if she could come with us . There was no way to say no , but we were incredibly disappointed because she is the high-risk someone to corrode with – cheap , limited tastes , and very picky . Her musical theme of a salad is iceberg with a heap of croutons and redundant , extra , extra ranch . I explore position that were becoming and affordable and she was incredibly pleased with each and every place I chose . In fact , she was downright precious , considering herself a ‘ gourmet ’ because we ate in an organic restaurant .
“ During the trip , it was her birthday , so my friend and I decided to treat her to breakfast at an upscale eating house . After all , she had done so well all calendar week and was so full of pride with all of her ‘ sophisticated dining , ’ she was sure quick for something really upscale .
“ The picky eating house we selected for the birthday fete is truly beautiful with the highest standard of service . We were invest at the entrance , and our friend was overwhelmed by the refined atmospheric state . She ordered pancakes with raspberries and Devonshire cream . When her order arrived , her eye well-nigh pop out of her head . Without state a word , she took her linen nappy and began wipe up the Devonshire pick . She then grabbed an additional linen napkin and continue to impregnate the diaper with the cream and hiss sauce . She proceeded to compact the napkins up and place them to the right side of her dental plate ; it look like she had fall flat a used healthful diaper on the mesa . Diners participate the place stared hard at the calamity .
“ The tablecloth was also maculate . The faculty could not have been more gracious about this , offer her another selection from the bill of fare , but she stimulate her head pronounce that SHE had take care of it . My best friend and I were so chagrined , but she did not leave out a beat , and said ‘ can you trust that they put that mess all over my pancake ? ’ ” –Sara Borland
Not the greatest thief in the world
“ My fiancée worked at a Dairy Queen in high school , and , as one would expect , winters were fairly slow . Not much demand for chicken feed cream when it ’s barely 30 degrees outdoors .
“ One day after school , he and a chum were working , and other guys they knew from high schooling came in . They joked around for a spot and give them extra ice cream at no burster . distinctive draw - up - your - friend shit . After the guys leave , Bill and the other guy do work pass in the back and advert out . They hear the front doorway open , and the other cat draw the short straw and had to go help the customer . My fiancée was in the back playing on his telephone or whatever when he recognized the representative , so he poke his straits around the niche , only to see his coworker arrest ROBBED . The thief made out with the like $ 100 that was in the cash register ( again , middle of wintertime at an sparkler cream shop ) . Why did my fiancée recognise the vocalism ? The thief was the same guy from gamey school they had just given free deoxyephedrine cream to 10 minute of arc earlier !
“ The cop manifestly wanted to make a large show of it , so they turn back the guy DURING a home basketball biz in front of everyone . ” – Katie Moreno
Themed cakes are a difficult concept
“ I spend a yr managing a dress shop bakery . We also did custom cake . Wedding cakes , but also cunning patty for bridal exhibitioner and stack of ‘ theme ’ patty for kids birthdays . reckon Elsa fromFrozen , or a firefighter root . Some mummy ( always mum ) would come in with pic of what they want and we could often match them , but most would grant us to do ‘ artist choice ’ on how to make the good cake for their budget .
“ The average themed patty that process about 20 was about $ 80 , but it was excellent cake and create by real artist who did a gravid job . Would I ever expend $ 80 on a patty for a 1 - yr - old ’s birthday party ? No . Never . But there are people who want to do that , and we were there for them .
I have two low children myself , so I jazz that children are disgusting , and I would n’t rent my kids ’ toys near my solid food without serious scrubbing . Why does n’t this woman eff this ? !
“ ‘ This is not what I expected , ’ says the client .
“ ‘ Oh , well , what were you expecting ? ’
“ Customer gets out her phone and sound out , ‘ This . ’
“ She show me a pic of the Thomas the Tank Engine bar fromCold Stone Creamery .
“ ‘ Ma’am , did you show anyone this picture when you order your patty ? ’ ( I wanted to see if someone had leave this information off the order , which COULD have happened . )
“ Lady : ‘ No , I thought you would fuck . ’
“ Me : ‘ How would we know that ? ’
“ Lady : ‘ Well it is THE Thomas patty . ’
“ Me : ( calm down breathing space ) ‘ There are lots of Thomas cakes . This seems to be THE Thomas cake at Cold Stone Creamery , and we are not Cold Stone Creamery . We do n’t even have the figurines that would go on top . client typically provide them , so if you had ordered a bar like this , we would have asked you for those . ’
“ Lady : ‘ Well , what can we do ? ’
“ Me : ( blank stare ) ‘ … if you give me an hour , I can have the designer grate the top of the cake and put down a frost ‘ track . ’ I assume you have some Thomas engines at home that you’re able to put on the racecourse ? It will look pretty penny-pinching . ’
“ Lady : ‘ Do you think I have to wash them before I put them on the bar ? ’
“ I have two small minor myself , so I know that children are revolting , and I would n’t let my kids ’ toys near my food without serious scouring . Why does n’t this cleaning woman know this ? !
“ Me : ‘ Yeah , that would belike be good . ’
“ She let us to ‘ fix ' the cake ( for gratuitous ) , but she grumble about the wait . As she left , she still had no approximation why we did n’t magically sleep with on the dot what cake she wanted . I do n’t know how she functions in the world on a daily basis . I hope her 1 - class - old care the cake – oh wait , he ’s 1 and will have no memory of any of this crap . ” –Kelly Walker
Do you have a restaurant , home - cooking , or any other food - neighboring level you ’d care to see appear in Off the Menu ( on ANY content , not just this one ) ? Please e - mail WilyUbertrout@gmail.com with “ Off the Menu ” in the subject cable ( or you could find me on Twitter@EyePatchGuy ) . Submissions are always welcome !
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