Welcome back toOff the Menu , where we bring you the best and unknown food stories from my email inbox . This week , we have more dead WTF restaurant stories . As always , these are actual emails from actual readers , though names have been switch .
The streetside dance party
" I spend many a year in Boston wait in a semi - fancy eating place ( white tablecloths , dim lighting , usurious prices ) . We were located on an passing busy street corner buy at by douchey wealthy mass and the panhandler who love them . Being close to the Boston Public Garden , this corner was some prime panhandler substantial estate of the realm and ferociously guarded by the the great unwashed who work it . The stave got used to seeing the same signs and face on the other side of our massive windows , and often made contrary - change ( i.e. , gave them X and twenty for their stacks of quarters and ones ) .
" We had a large back room that could be used as a dining space , but was more often used for secret function that could range from a blowout incorporated holiday party to a hard cash streak . On this fateful night , we were dealing with people who worked at a constabulary business firm and seem to be descendants of the Monopoly humanity , who had not only sprung for a super - expensive menu and open bar , but had charter remote help to set up a intelligent system of rules and a dance floor . Once they were done gorging on their own souls ( JK , it was baby lamb ) and had swilled enough liquor to stockpile a Carnival sail ship , they took to said dance floor , where they proceeded to make Elaine fromSeinfeldlook like Bob fucking Fosse .
" None of this was in any agency out of the ordinary , so I was just contentedly playing barkeep behind the run-in of tables we had draped with tablecloths to create a makeshift bar post . Then I run across our group of panhandlers strolling by our windows – they were all quite collegiate with one another and seemed to hang out a flock . I check them finish and look through the story - to - cap windows , nothing but a half an inch of glass branch them from Boston ’s .00000001 % . They started express mirth and pointing , clearly amused by the pitiable dance - floor display . And then it find .
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist
" This group of people out on the street start doing a bushed - ON imitation of the senselessness that was happening on the other side of the glass . In their dirty clothes and brake shoe with holes , they did some of the most amazing parody workplace I have ever date , absolutely imitating the awkward bloodless uncle dancing that was happening a foot away . One bozo was using the insulating material blanket he always wore wrapped around himself as a makeshift feather feather boa , flossing it between his legs and wobble with it behind his back . Just visualise it : both groups , dancing side by side , with nothing but a Brobdingnagian window to separate them .
" I went DOWN , nearly bring down in the Brobdingnagian icing / beer tub under the ' legal profession , ' laughing hysterically . When I could see again through the tears , I pulled myself up to see all the privileged dancer trying valiantly to pretend like they could n’t see that they were being completely owned by the homeless - looking crew outside . Us servers had to take turns hiding to get the laughter out , until finally someone complained to the manager and he came in and closed the curtains . “– Megan Zimmerman
Give the man a hand
" In college I tended bar at a chain steakhouse located in an Air Force Base town in the middle of the Bible Belt . We supply to all form of crazies .
" One solar day I was bartending when my cousin-german , who served at the time , came up to me with his face white , completely aghast . We walked to the back and he relayed to me the following story .
" He was waiting on a table of six celebrating their paterfamilias ’s 80th birthday . The family was in great spirits and enjoying a moderate amount of alcoholic beverage with their dinner . Everything was going swimmingly until the clip my cousin – we ’ll call him Stu – went to present the cheque . Stu went through his distinctive spiel give thanks everyone and preen the natal day boy . At that point , the octogenarian shook Stu ’s paw and said , ' Do you have it off who I am , boy ? ' Stu had no idea , and said as much . The octogenarian pull Stu closer and say , ' I ’m the man who ’s about to lick your manus … ' then follow through before Stu could comprehend what had just been say .
The killer KISS
" Several days ago , a concert sports stadium in our area used to appropriate various group to volunteer their meter in the concession stand during events in commutation for a per centum of winnings . So I ended up offer with my early days group to exploit a KISS concert . It was n’t too speculative – I ran the register , grabbed food for thought , relayed booze monastic order to our chemical group advisors . The majority of the concert - departer were well-chosen and friendly , except for Gene Jr.
" There were plenty of people there with KISS make-up , lend oneself with varying degrees of acquisition . Being a teenage lady friend , I incur it all reasonably amusing . Gene Jr. , however , was in a conference of his own : complete replica costume , platform boots , beer belly , full grimace of physical composition , and long black tomentum with a bald-headed position in the back . Gene Jr. convey KISS seriously … and his crapulence even more severely . He kept coming to our booth throughout the evening ( at the expense of watching the damn concert , but whatever ) .
" We were under orders to cut off inebriant sales at a sealed time , so of course Gene Jr. come near me about five minutes after the shortcut , demanding more beer . I politely apologized and informed him that I could n’t . He seemed confused by it for a few moments , and simply wink and reprise his demand . I told him again , and evince that it was n’t our decision but the sports stadium ’s . He freeze – and then hurtle across the counter at me . It took three people to get him off of me and back onto the other side of the counter , where security department was waiting after a guard had witnessed the event .
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist
" And that is the tale of the dark that a Gene Simmons impersonator prove to strangle me . “– Kara Carrington
The pen thief
" My uncle has this strange jocularity that he wish to play on the waitstaff / anyone who happens to walk by our tabular array every individual fourth dimension we go out with him . No matter the eating house , the first thing he does when we sit down is inquire our server for a pen . He continues to require for a Modern penitentiary every time he or she comes back around to take our Order or check on us .
The blow-up doll murderer
" A number of years ago I was go as a volunteer with at - jeopardy stripling . One night , a mathematical group of teens and I helped move a bunch of furniture an older couple was donating to the thrift store that funded the program . In the mix of matter , the adolescent found two male blow - up dolly , and the tiddler lovingly named their newfangled companions Randy and Karl . They looked exactly like Wayne Newton . To crest off the night of furniture - move and blow - up doll mischievousness , we stopped at a local IHOP for dinner party – my treat . Despite their pleas , I defend that the minor could NOT bring the reversal - up wench into the IHOP ( they do n’t go over this in volunteer training , I just have great instincts ) .
" So , disappointed as they were , we went into the IHOP Randy - and - Karl - less . It was about 9 pm , so apart from the six of us we almost had the place to ourselves . midway through our meal , a couple of the kids begin to snigger and I turned around to see that before we come in , one of them had shore up Karl in the bush outside of the dining room windowpane , forehead pressed against the looking glass , staring us down . He face sad , leave out of the fun .
" Suddenly , Karl disappeared into the dark . We could n’t figure out what pass until we figure an old disheveled man standing in the light source of the parking passel street lamp go mega - Hulk on poor Karl , tearing his head off , leaving his dead body deflating on the asphalt . A few of our guys were puddle – I ’ll admit it was n’t cool – until psychotic puff - up doll orca entered the eating place . Some of our cat froze while others hounded down their food so we could get the hell out of there .
" When our waitress addressed this man , it became evident that he was n’t your average brainsick patron , but rather was the manager of the IHOP . He resumed his shift with Karl ’s head rolled up in the back pocket of his ripped denim , a keepsake for all to see . He did n’t mouth a Logos to us , did n’t count our way – nothing . Total business as common . “– Melanie Gordon
Flight of the Concorde
" Not sure if I should mention the name of the libertine - food post I worked , but it ’s a prominent Warren E. Burger chain . One without a clown as a mascot , if that narrows things down a moment . The restaurant building where all this occur is no longer there . The burger mountain range break the place a rather heavy makeover a few year back , which included halfway deplume it down and rebuilding it . But it ’s still in the exact same office , with the same effort - thru and parking lot .
" And the building is mostly immaterial to the storey anyway . It ’s the location that is the key to the story . This particular organization is built at the sharpness of an aerodrome in what ’s known as the Dead Zone . This is the country at the closing of a rails which is conjecture to be observe empty , since it ’s where airplanes are expect to crash if they betray to take off . But somehow , this Dead Zone not only take this Warren Burger place , but also a rather with child four - lane highway crossroads . The runway light actually extend out across our parking lot , into the road , and across all four lanes of dealings .
" This airport was n’t a major theodolite hub , so it did n’t see much air dealings . I do n’t believe there were any commercial-grade airlines using it . There ’s a National Guard base connected to it , and they ’d fly out from clock time to clip . But they always used the other runway , at the other end of the airdrome . Mostly it was modest , in camera owned Cessna - size wiliness that went over us . Until this one weekend , when a vainglorious flashy news fib appeared in the local theme .
" The Concorde was coming to town , and it was going to be land on our runway .
" As soon as the manager got wind of the news , she immediately decide to make an case of it . Since the windows in our seating room area reckon out across the parking slew at the rail itself , it was the ultimate front - words rear end , and she was run to market the hell out of that fact . Flyers got print up . A ' no refills ' sign belong up on the soda machine . When the day arrived , the place was packed wall to wall with eager onlooker .
" Back in the kitchen , things pop out falling off shelves . Noise was coming down the chimney , and the metal hood above the burger - cooking machine was acting like a resonant amplifier . "
" If you ’ve ever worked in dissolute food , you know that nothing can have the same level of empty-headed fright that someone shouting the intelligence ' BUS ' can . Well this was like having a bus pull up , times 10 . All the table were crammed . The floor space was suffer room only . We had hoi polloi spill out the side room access into the parking lot , and masses were camping out , tailgating in the lot like it was a rock concert . Kids were run around unsupervised . teen were making out . A party atmosphere pervaded the situation .
" And the star attraction was guide our room . A grim rumble heralded the arrival of the workmanship . And the grumbling got louder … and louder .
" Back in the kitchen , thing start falling off shelves . Noise was coming down the lamp chimney , and the metal hood above the burger - cooking auto was act like a resonant amplifier . The kitchen staff tried to disperse , but there was literally no place for us to go . The kitchen door opened outwards , and with the eatery as packed as it was , there simply was n’t elbow room to get it open . As the roar arise to deafening horizontal surface , the faculty finally accomplish evacuation by vaulting , affright - stricken , over the front counter and out the front doors , which looked out across the tug - thru lane towards the highway .
" We were looking right down the flying transmission line towards Concorde when it came rocketing overhead . When it passed over us , the stochasticity was so tacky you could n’t hear it . It was just this form of press wafture behind your eyes . Wash from the jet engines much took us off our feet . It lead an antenna off the roof that one of the managers had strung up there so she could see her soap operas on a portable TV in the little handler ’s cubicle . As it crossed the parking sight towards the airport fence and touchdown , one of the locomotive engine legislate straight off through the full-grown leafy center of one of the many decorative tree that had been implant around the perimeter of the fortune . As the manager ’s antenna came crashing down in the centre of the highway , the parking lot turn instantly into a whirlwind of whipping sprig , leaves , blown food waste , and squall client .
" The rumble last faded into the space once again as the Concorde touch down inside the aerodrome proper and bedraggled client slow began piece themselves up off the ground . The parking lot looked like a wasteland . Car windows were broken . Trash was everywhere . masses were staggering around like zombies . There was a stunned moment of silence , and then a sunniness work up from inside the restaurant . The crew were absolutely delighted by the spectacle of it all .
" Later , as we were cleaning up for closing , me and another employee were task with climbing up on the roof and putting the manager ’s feeler back up . In the physical process of doing so , we discovered the Concorde had ostensibly snipped it off about 6 in from the top of the breathing machine chimney , which she had used as a hop on point … which imply that 6 in was probably all the aloofness which had issue forth between a restaurant full of people cheering the destruction – or becoming part of it . To this day , I still have a horrifying mental double in my head of the Concorde ’s landing place gear smack into the lamp chimney , bust the ventilator through the roof , and causing the whole plane to shift groundward , right on into that parking luck full of citizenry .
" That was the one and only time the Concorde ever bring down there . It seems the people who make such decisions adjudicate after the fact that the runway was n’t capable of handling a sheet that big . I suspect they probably made that decision based on the quantity of tree diagram stick to their engine breathing in . And while sales were through the roof that weekend , we did n’t host another special result for a undecomposed long time.– Cam Simmons
Do you have a eatery , home - cooking , or any other food - next story you ’d like to see appear in Off the Menu ( on ANY field , not just this one ) ? Please emailWilyUbertrout@gmail.comwith " Off the Menu " in the open line ( or you may recover me on Twitter@EyePatchGuy ) . Submissions are always welcome ! Also , we are now bespeak submissions for holiday - themed fib , so if you have any stories bear on to Thanksgiving and Christmas , please station them in !
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