Welcome back toOff the Menu , where we bring you the good and strangest food fib from my email inbox . This week , we ’ve got stories of restaurant customers who look to have make out directly from the deep realms of my nightmares . As always , these are substantial email from literal readers , though name have been changed .
An impressively evil capacity for vengeance
" We were working at a lawn tennis club that would hold tournaments throughout the year for young up - and - coming players and pros . It was at one of the tournament that the followers happened .
" On the first Nox , my friend sat a six - top , mostly young tennis pros from various different lodge , and a local gentlewoman hosting them . My friend takes their order and does everything ripe , but as dinner is being swear out , a plate is swing in the kitchen by someone else . My protagonist is informed that the kitchen is work firmly to supersede the lost meal , while he goes to inform and apologise to the table . The genuine dining compartment whose plate had been throw is completely nerveless , but the local is steam . In a light prison term , a novel dish is procured and serve and all seems good . That is , until the bank check is presented .
" No matter that the dropped meal had been accept off and apologies offer from the chef , manager , and server ; the local pay by credit posting and leaves no hint . Six adults , six main course , plus drinks . My friend picks up the bill and write it off , but the local come back and informs him she would be dining every Nox that week and that she would expect for him and that he " would get nothing " for “ embarrassing ” her .
ilolab/Shutterstock
" That ’s exactly what happens : four more nights she render up with a large party , asks for my friend , runs him ragged , and tips nothing . The director had flush his spine down his nose and spends the entire week telling my acquaintance to suck it up . “– Rick Loughery
We’re all fighting our own mustard war
" When I was in gamy school , I did my clock time at the local McDonald ’s . The place was an extraordinary cesspit , but the worst was the mustard guy .
" He was a repeat offender of completely ignoring the protocol of get in the drive - thru lane by motor around the building and past the menu , a process which set off an alert within the restaurant and lets someone know you ’re there quick to regulate . or else , he would pounce in from the other side of the lot and do a uracil - turn every time , brush aside the pressure diggings and creep up to the back windowpane sideway . You ’d have no idea he was there until he was banging on the window in a full - on froth , sure that the whole trial by ordeal was YOUR fault for not just standing there at the window waiting for his comer . Taking his pissed - off order was spoilt enough , but serving it to him at the pickup surface area was 1 billion clock time worse . When he was follow your style , you ’d fuck it , because the monastic order on the screen would always , always say :
" 2 CH BRGRonlyMUSTARDMUSTARDMUSTARDMUSTARDMUSTARDMUSTARDMUSTARDMUSTARD
" That ’s right . He wanted his cheeseburger soaked with mustard . They had to be sloppy , inedible . They had to smear mustard down the inside of the bag . The wax paper wrapper had to slip off , more table mustard than paper . They had to be drenched with an harebrained amount of mustard .
" The grill people were familiar with him and had a method acting of delight him : they would basically drench the inwardness , put cheese on , soak the cheeseflower , then soak both sides of the bun with mustard greens , then sort of close down it all together . By the sentence they were done , the whole place smelled like that nostril - stinging , antibacterial gel - smell McMustard . You had to apply a diaper to take the cheeseburgers directly from the grill person who made them ( they would stain the metal chute otherwise ) so you did n’t get the yellow dye all over your hands . They were frightening .
" One nighttime , after handling this process cleanly , I gave the guy his bag of table mustard Warren Earl Burger . I noticed out of the recess of my center that he lingered in the spot for a moment after I closed the window , but he slowly drove away . Minutes subsequently , he was back , and I only jazz this from the muffled screaming coming from the other side of the windowpane . I carefully slue it open and there he was , a lap full of soggy , sloppy chickenhearted food for thought , mustard smeared all over his shirt and pants , mustard greens all over his steering bicycle , mustard in his beard . And he was freaking out – about THERE NOT BEING ENOUGH leaf mustard .
" I calmly told him that we would make his Warren Burger again , and the grill individual reach me two of the nastiest ball of mustard bread I had ever come across in my lifetime . We even filled a shaver - size drink cup with more mustard for him . I brought him the Modern ' burgers ' and handed them to him with an excuse , which he disregard . He opened the bag and visit the mess , and then hit the gaseous state and made it almost all the way around the street corner before reversing , just to swash the original , not - mustardy - enough burgers all over the drive - thru window .
" So that ’s how I got to spend the residual of the nighttime , standing out there with a nebulizer nursing bottle , scrubbing at lump of Indian mustard in the crevice of the slew window , stepping out of the way and wait , covered in mustard greens and in snag , between the incessant parade of drive - thru customer . Because of this experience , I ’m EXCEEDINGLY nice to mass in armed service military position , probably to a creepy stage , even if they ’re terrible or rude or whatever . It helps to remember that everyone is fighting their own mustard warfare . “– Jordan Waterston
Sympathy is fine, but tips are better
" I briefly worked at a lunch / dinner / bar restaurant near an urban internal landmark , staffed by national park Texas Ranger . They regularly add up into our restaurant for luncheon , and sometimes their table of two to four was the only lunch gang we had on weekdays . When I start lick at the restaurant , other servers tell me that they never tipped and were sort of particular , and mostly just a pain in the arse . Lots of story about send nutrient back and complaining the sweet Camellia sinensis was n’t sweet enough .
" We pop the question a 10 % price reduction to police force and fire department employees , and our ranger acquaintance had snow their way into this deduction . Yes , they were technically law enforcement officers , but unlike park rangers in Yosemite that deal with bear and strand hikers and stuff , these guys were basically glorified promenade cop hold a firm and a statue .
" Being the new server in the restaurant and an overall cheery person , I was compulsive to make friend with these folks and get a satisfying tip out of them . My first few lunches , I was a piddling dismayed by the ' $ 0.00 ' handwritten into the tip line on their bills . But one day , one of the distaff fire warden come in by herself and looked like she was have a tough 24-hour interval . We slip into a conversation about her liveliness , her miserable government paycheck , her greenback she was behind on , and she explained how her pension from the government activity worked , and that she could n’t retire for 15 - 20 more years ( she was probably about 50 ) . She asked me how things were going at the restaurant – she knew I was Modern and things were slow at lunch . I casually said it was hunky-dory , but it was frustrating sometimes because the only money we actually got to take home was from gratuity . I told her that sometimes our paychecks were zero dollar sign because of taxes and hooey . She was very likeable and gave me some ' Oh honey , I think influence for tips!'-type of floor . By this head another table had come in , so I walk aside and got them situated .
" Walking by her mesa a few minutes later , she motioned for the check , which I had already print and had written ' trust the rest of your day is not bad ! ' on . I lead it on the table and walked off smile , start ready to triumph to my carbon monoxide - worker at shift modification that I had won over one of the icy rangers . I ran her credit card , fell it off at her table , and checked on my other tabular array . I went back to the board after she ’d left to pick up what I get it on would be a solid crown .
" The bakshis contrast said ' $ 0.00 . ' I quit two weeks later . “– Felicia Baker
Not so fast, lady
" When I was a aged in in high spirits school , I worked in a coffee bean shop dealership located in a market store , where I saw a great deal of objectionable client , but one took the bar .
" now after she come in , she slammed her manicured clenched fist on my comeback and demanded one of our frozen fruit drinking , but with a flat lid instead of the usual domed chapeau . I go to get the factor , when my Colorado - proletarian asked me if I needed help closing that night . I turned to answer her and this cleaning woman screeched that I had to do my caper . So I turned back and went back to making the drink , commit both types of lid on the counter ( you ask a vaulted lid to flux the drink and not make a mess ) . I dish the drink and told her the amount and she completely lose it , holler how dare I place her lid on our ‘ filthy ’ counters . Then she started chew out me , tell me I ’d credibly never bathed and that my clothes had n’t been washed in years ( by the manner , the counters were freshly washed , just like my clothes and self ) . After well-nigh deoxidize me to bout , she reached for her crapulence and told me she was n’t pay for it , due to how loathsome I was .
" I humbly told her she had to make up for it or she could n’t have it . She go for it again , so I in conclusion grew a acantha and snatched it from her , and slash it in the sink . She rage off , muttering she ’d get me back for that .
" A few months later , she was banned from the grocery store storage for provoke a mentally take exception bagger . “– Jenny Dillinger
Cheapness incarnate
" I was working at an self-governing variation ginmill / pizza pie piazza . It had been undefendable evermore and had a reputation for awesome pizza pie and the owner and other workers were awesome . We also had a very big grouping of regulars , one of whom we ’ll just call Bill .
" Bill had a foreign habit on the weekend , which is what makes the fib . He would add up in , drink four or five beers . Then he would leave for about two hours and yield to have some more beer . This sound on for months and was so regular that when one of us saw him gulp his beer , we ’d mechanically bring him his check-out procedure .
" It must have sink in on him sometime of the next hebdomad because on the follow weekend there was a vast blowup between him and another barman . He manifestly assay to place a bunch of pizza topping without the pizza and have them bake together for him in a dish . He misplace his judgement when they charge him a reasonable price for build a particular menu item for him rather than total all of the 50 - cent toppings together and his rarified scheme for a $ 4 cock-a-hoop meal bill of fare hack was thwarted .
" I ’ve dealt with inexpensive hoi polloi before , but he ’s the only one who took miserliness to a spiritual horizontal surface . “– Mickey Myers
But… do they have fish, though?
" I ’m a front - desk agent at a high - end hotel in Downtown Seattle . We ’re roughly a 10 - minute walkway from the Pike Place Market . Being so close to the piss , we have some AMAZINGLY fresh seafood . All of the front - desk agents have their favorite seafood places and there is a turgid ligature full of computer menu behind the desk for guests who need suggestions .
" The other night , we had a particularly rich set of young white-hot women staying with us . They all had their nail newly French manicured , their hair triple - highlighted , Gucci bags , sky - high Louis Vuittons , the whole kit . It was obvious that they regarded me , with my unretentive haircut in my stuffy gray uniform ( and a mandatory striped scarf from the ' 70s ) , as something less than human . While two of the women sit in the entrance hall , the third came over to me .
" ' I need a good word for seafood dinner , ' she spit down at me .
" ' I have the perfect plaza ! ' I chirp back , grab the fare binder and taking my selection out . ' It ’s called Blueacre Seafood . They ’re just two blocks aside and their seafood is farm - to - table , extremely unfermented , and the fare changes every day found on what they ’re capable to catch . '
" This woman , with all of the seriousness and contempt in the world , looked down her contoured nose at me and snarled , ' But do they have fish ? '
" I , a small helpless queen in an ill - match polyester wooing , just pushed the menu closer to her and skreak , ' Yes , see ? '
" She did not conceive me . Her polished champion were furiously texting her about how stupefied this restaurant sounded , which I screw because she was shouting her responses at them .
" She glanced over the fare ( for Blueacre SEAFOOD Restaurant ) and announce that they had ' too much meat ' ( one steak point and one dud sandwich plainly restrict as too much kernel ) . She then call THE RESTAURANT and said , ' Do you have fish ? '
" I ’ll never be intimate what the stewardess at Blueacre state , but it caused this woman to flog around and stomp over to our bellhop and demand of him , ' I want a seafood restaurant testimonial ! '
" He ( have no estimation what I had just endured ) smiled , whipped out a voucher for a complimentary appetizer , and said , ' Yes ! I love Blueacre Seafood , just two blocks from here ! ' She shrieked at him that they have too much centre , and then she and her polished chum stomped out the threshold in an absolute rage .
" " It took every ounce of strength in me to not tell her that there was an sea just down the street , and she could jumpstart into it if that ’s the amount of Pisces she so desired . “– Terri Suskind
An OTM first
" I was in jurisprudence school and it was Friday night after a rough week of classes and exams . Along with several schoolfellow and our dates we went to a pocket-sized , topically owned restaurant near the university which served mostly Italian intellectual nourishment . Our party turn as the evening progressed , ending up with about 12 people . Many pitchers of beer were consumed along with suitable pastas and pizza , but the service was tedious and neglectful and when it came it was descend and arrogant , adjust our pronunciation of Italian terms on the fare . It train perpetually to get drink refills and food was served cold while our server congregated with other server near the bar engaged in chit chat .
" By the clip we were quick to go , everybody at the table had had enough of the poor , contemptuous service . It was agree that I would handle the verification when it came after roll up share from my friends . We were paying cash and when the server return my change I left one penny in the tray and we start out . When I reached my car in the adjacent parking great deal , our waiter came to me and said , ' Mister , you blank out something . ' ' What is that ? ' I asked . ' A cent , ’ he said .
I responded , ' I did n’t forget it , you earned it , ' which left him dumb and our gang highly amused .
Do you have a restaurant , home - cooking , or any other food - next story you ’d like to see come out in Off the Menu ( on ANY national , not just this one ) ? Please emailWilyUbertrout@gmail.comwith “ Off the Menu ” in the capable line ( or you may obtain me on Twitter:@EyePatchGuy ) . Submissions are always welcome !
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