There ’s nothing aphrodisiacal about a sexuality hotel .
In fact , the Liberty Innis one of the least - sexy places on Earth . It ’s a smoky dungeon in a part of New York City that I ’ve dubbed " Central Prostate West " because it ’s such a pain in the ass to get to . However , my girlfriend and I braved the train ride and subsequent 20 - minute walk to pay the $ 80 fee to lease a way for two hours to have sexual practice in . Why ? That ’s the inquiry everyone enquire when I told them my plan – Ilivewith my girlfriend – we could have sex in every room of our ( confessedly very tiny ) flat with the curtains clear if we wanted to . OK , fine ; we do n’t own drapery .
The accuracy is , I was singular . You ca n’t walk anywhere in New York without seeing a dingy little hotel packed away off a side street . They stare at me out of their dirty shabu eyes and bid me in with the hope of an interesting story and the potential tofinallyexperience bed bugs .
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist
We did n’t get layer bugs , but the plethora of stories that came about from spending just a few hours in this little hotel off the Hudson … well , we ’ll never forget it . Still , my burning peculiarity was extinguish , and that was totally worth it – even though my girlfriend wo n’t let me make any major determination anymore when it comes to planning sashay .
The bed did not rotate
The prominent head I had to answer was " why ? " After explaining that we in all likelihood would n’t contract bed hemipteron , the only answer I could give was to satisfy the burning globe of curiosity orbit my brainiac . I do n’t think I put it that articulately , but the core of it was " because I have to ! "
She , knowing my curiosity would never end until I come up out firsthand ( or just forgot ) , gave into my request and say we could visit under the caveat that she would never forgive me if we contracted a disease . After sweeten the batch with the hope of a romantic – post - hotel – dinner , we headed to the power train and left the safety of Bushwick for the fake purgatory on the Hudson where the Liberty Inn sits .
I did n’t know what to expect – would it be like that painful shot fromBlue Valentinewhere Michelle Williams in reality tells Ryan Gosling to stop going down on her in the shower bath ? Or would it more closely resemble Austin Powers ' private jet with the revolving seam ? Turns out the Liberty Inn resembled neither of the two scenarios . The bed , sadly , did not rotate .
MKK
“We’ll take our usual room”
find a sex hotel in New York City is about as easy as typing " sexual practice hotel NYC " into Google . After hitting " return , " you ’re met with unnumberable choices pasture from places where you ’ll most sure enough get bed bugs to high - end , bougie - as - hell suites where the bed microbe have to enter through the side door in an alley .
The Liberty Inn – the Meatpacking District ’s self - proclaimed " rendezvous for Romance language " – posture somewhere in the middle . It ’s simultaneously obvious and inconspicuous all at once , jutting out from a side street like an tumid member you did n’t have metre to cover up with your backpack .
We were surprised to find a crowd in the independent pressure group – entrance hall , by the elbow room , being a generous way to describe the minute hallway near the entrance . The teller ’s booth , protect by watertight ice , had signs stating no one under the age of 18 could enter .
Jeremy Glass/Thrillist
" We ’ll take our common room , " said the guy in front of us , hold tight a black bag in the shape of a wine feeding bottle while his dolled - up lady friend depend with a blase expression through what appeared to be a burner earpiece .
The guy ’s dark suit and purple draw conjured up images of the halfway - schooltime dances I had been too diffident to participate in . His date , clad in the bogus footstep - daughter of velvet and polyester , reminded me of the same .
Vending machines full of condoms
At the other ending of the lobby was a vending machine stocked with the essentials : chips , candy bars , mints , lube , and condoms . Yes , really .
After withdrawing $ 80 in hard cash from the adjacent ATM , I fall out upon a bearded untested human race manoeuvre into a " wild-eyed interlude " way in the back with a young blonde womanhood who I ’m guess was more than just a ally .
" Best vending machine this side of the Mississippi ! " he exclaimed , as his … uh … day of the month stared off into space , her eyes glazed over . I express joy and publish down what he ’d said in my piddling flushed notebook computer , which prompted him to lean over and whisper in my ear .
JG/Thrillist
" Hey , uh … do n’t exploit these guys too much , " he read . I laughed . He did n’t . They go into their way .
Smoking or non-smoking?
The teller face like an avid member of New York City ’s nighttime workings class and could have easily been confused with a 7 - Eleven shop clerk or the kind of taxicab machine driver who does n’t respond to pass - of - the - mill questions like , " Hey , where are we ? "
I asked the man how much it cost to rent a way for an hr .
" Same price as two hour or 30 minutes , however long you want . " I slipped the $ 80 through the slit in the window and asked for a reception .
" You guys been here prospicient ? " I asked . “Long time , " he said . " prospicient - buns time . Smoking or non - smoking?““Smoking , " I said .
Walking up the narrow flight of stairs to way 303 , my girlfriend asked why I had chosen a smoking elbow room , give I had just give up smoke .
" Babe , imagine how much more fun a smoking room at a sexual practice hotel is going to be ! " It ferment out my heart are liberal than my stomach , because the only deviation between a smoke room and non - smoking way in a sex hotel is the stale odor of locoweed and dry lube . Oh , therewasa glass ashtray . But I digress .
Skin on skin or it doesn’t go in
There are tons of hotel in New York City , and I ’m sure there are plenty of hourly hotel . BUT hourly sex hotel ramify themselves from the brood with their denotative intentions .
The Liberty Inn is a hotel for fucking . This was abundantly clear as my girlfriend and I sat on the seam and heed to the refrain of groaning , pumping , and skin - slapping in the rooms around us . It was a blaring of guttural pleasure that pervade the air and seep into our tegument in a veryuncoolway .
All we could do was sit down and listen to the sound of friends , lover , and perfect stranger stop up each other silly in the rooms next to us .
American Psychostyle
It was bad erotica … the kind of startlingly depleted - budget ' 90 porn that cause you appreciate the notion of HD erotic . You make out the hooey : track - slender , coked - up blonde fille with comically fake knocker and an obligatory guy cable with a penis .
" Oh my God , look at her vagina ! " my girlfriend cried .
" She ’s not even pie-eyed . He ’s sucking on it like it ’s an oyster . " I express joy and face up at my own reflection – I think it ’s a unwashed good manners for making love hotel to have an enormous mirror on the ceiling … you know , for thoseAmerican Psychomoments when you require to watch yourself deliver sexual practice and flex your muscles in the mirror .
Man , I wish I had muscles .
The Liberty Inn > Pyongyang
The room itself could n’t have been more than 50sqft , including the lavatory . In one turning point was an " exercising " pad with a laminated curing of educational activity explain how the maids will houseclean it with antibacterial cleanser .
While my Darling River dearest refused to have sex with me due to her fear of interbreeding - contamination from bed bugs , dried lube , crusted semen , or some kind of dreaded merger of the three , I could n’t have asked for better fellowship . We sweep the way for point like the offer police squad of unskilled newsman the hotel turn us into .
We were the Hardy Boys , but way cooler . Shelby Woo , but not Asian . Sherlock Holmes and Watson , except I was deeply pull in to Watson and wished she ’d let nub leastget to third base . We were just two people in sexual love at a sexual urge hotel . As we peer out the window across the Hudson , our view of Jersey give us some semblance of normalcy that we profoundly desired in such a strange place .
relatively speak , a dark at the Liberty Inn kick shag compared to a night in Pyongyang or 1950s East Berlin . It was n’t until afterward , silently munching on a couple of hamburger down the blocking , that we could at long last reflect on the two hour we had just had in a hotel design for sex .
" I ’m going to take a shower when I get home , " she said .
" I ’ll in all probability just await until tomorrow … "
" That ’s repellent . "
I ended up ( begrudgingly ) showering that night , still unwilling to permit go of theAustin Powers / Blue Valentinefantasy that I was hoping to take the air into . I have to include that I was disappointed , which commonly happens when I essay to bring any gloss of cinema into my real life . I knew it was n’t pass away to be romanticist , but I like there had been more than that coffin - sized elbow room with blurry porn .
I approximate , what I really want , was a erotic love - Tarawa-Makin ' hotel rather than a elbow room for bally . However , if you have to go the supererogatory mile to enshroud your lascivious behavior at the Liberty Inn , you ’re not in the position to opt your environment .
Oh , by the way : that ATM in the hotel ’s pressure group ? Using it caused my cant to cancel my debit entry plug-in . wary activity , you know ? That ’s the UTI of finance .
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Jeremy Glassis a author for Thrillist and is writing this from the rain shower .
