I do n’t bed about you , but I spent most of my post - downy living avoiding pregnancy like , well , pregnancy . I was a second of a " belated foul-up " to the " P in the V " game but once I got there at the cutter years of almost 20 , I was always super safe .
I stock up on condom like adoomsday prepper . I jumped on the birth control train . I was utterly terrified of pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease – and , to be honest , men . I was there the moment the pharmacy opened on those few occasions the condom smash to get Plan B , harassing the pharmacist with inquiry about the share of still getting pregnant after using it . I was the girl often telling her " freer " champion : " Remember , if he does n’t care about using a condom with you , he does n’t manage about using a prophylactic with every girl he sticks his dirty dick into . "
Pregnancy was like a scary mystery to me
But , I imply , most of my girlfriend were avoiding maternity too . safe , birthing control , pull in out , calendar method method , Plan B , moonshine bicycle , whatever it was , they were likely using something . And I doltishly bear , incorrectly , for elbow room too long , that you could get pregnant any clip of the month . I just do n’t recall that lesson in health division about a cleaning lady ’s ovulation calendar ( or , have ’s be honest , I probably was n’t hear ) . The only thing I remember were about getting your period , AIDS , and what tampons were ( insert stripling male child ' stifling laughter ) .
So now here I was , married in my 30s and have into the " babe game , " when I rule out , wait , you could only get fraught a few days out of the month ? Well ai n’t that some asshole . My husband is a few old age older than me and I have a Jewish Jersey female parent who ’s been passively guilting me for grandchildren since the moment we said " I do , " so the metre feel as justly as it would ever be . I gauge . Fuck , I ’m still not sure . Some daytime I ’m like baby crazy and gimme gimme a bantam little combination of my husband and me ; and then other days I still want to go see DJs I ’m clearly too old for , stay up all Nox on Es , and log Z’s in and have my biggest dilemma be where we ’re going for brunch the next morning .
It took 33 years to learn about my body
on the spur of the moment , I was learning all about my physical structure for the first time . I was essay hard to do everything that instinctually my Einstein and body sample for so long NOT to do . And that ’s when I learn it might not even be that easy . Man , all these teen momma must be bloody like teen rabbits . I mean , sure it can happen if you have sex once . But damn the sheer fortune ! Do you even have a go at it what cervical mucus is ? I did n’t ! It ’s like your consistency ’s manner of saying ( in a British accent in my mind at least ): " Pardon me , you ’re ovulate and ready for Sir Penis if you choose . "
Cervical mucus ( charming , adorable name ) look like egg whites in your undies . Just thought I ’d cram in a little wellness lesson for you . And also they have these ovulation kits now where you puddle on a pin and it tells you the Day you ’re most productive . Fuck yeah technology . How did our parents even procreate before technology and the net ? I mean , my parents only had sexual activity doubly for my pal and I so they must have been pretty fucking magical .
Oh , and did you know you ’re in reality pregnant 10 MONTHS ? ! Yeah , we ’ve all been rest to . I mean , I always remember hearing 40 weeks but just assumed it intend nine month , but noooooo . It ’s the full ninth month so you hit nine months and you still have four more crashing weeks to go ! Those contaminating little liars .
puhhha/Shutterstock
We made a pregnancy plan – sort of
Somehow my husband and I decide it was time to dive into this chapter . Well , not really dive … more like slowly walk . Sashay if you will ? We had a month in mind to start but then I wanted to go on this stumble and to that party and what if I was pregnant ? Meanwhile it can take eternally to get pregnant but what if , you screw ?
ultimately , we settled on a calendar month . That first month I just essay to forecast out my calendar with a little Googling , but we ended up visiting our parent and staying in guest rooms when it was apparently " go time " and it was exceedingly hard to come up the time , place , concealment , and mood to get busy that first month . We kind of made it work but it was harder than you ’d imagine to be quiet and also not feel perpetually gross out that our parent were often only separate by a thin wall .
So that calendar month was a no - go .
Goran Bogicevic/Shutterstock
The next calendar month , I went to Target and felt extremely judged by every patron there for no reason as I grab myself one of those ovulation kits and some unearthly pregnancy lube for full measure . After a few months of doing the kit and having lots of sex at the appropriate time and then go my period , I was overwhelmed with demented - confusing emotion . Damn , how am I not pregnant yet when we ’re doing everything proper ? Have I fried my Uterus from being a womb-to-tomb pot smoking carriage ? Am I sterile ? Does my husband have lazy , hyper - active , weed - induced spermatozoan ? Does he have enough spermatozoan ? Are they abnormal one - eye , two - tailed sperm ? Do sperm cell have eyes ? Are my eggs OK ? What the fuck is run on in my trunk ? !
I was scared of being pregnant… but wanted to be, too
I ’d be overwhelmed with disappointment but then also a strange sense of ease that I could smoke weed and have freedom and drink Bloody Marys and party and feel with child a little longer . I sure felt pull in two directions . Then , one month my period never came . After it was seven days belatedly and I had enough Baileys in my coffee ( stop judging me , it was the holiday and my period could have just been really later ! ) , we felt like it was metre to take a pregnancy test .
What do you do when you ’re equally terrified for it to say YES and NO ? It ’s a unknown sensation . I honestly did n’t want to take it but knew I had to . I pee . We waited . We walked back into the bathroom together and crept up to the test . YES glower back at us in fully grown letters . We hug , appalled and mad , not quite feeling the gravity of the state of affairs . What a surreal emotion .
Part of me feel like even at 33 I was still somehow way too young for all of this but also kind of quick but also , is this seriously happening ? And now all I desire to do is fume a reefer to celebrate but I ca n’t .
Aw piece of tail , well here we go .
ratify up herefor our daily Thrillist e-mail , and get your fix of the skillful in food for thought / drink / play .
