In all likelihood , Leonardo DiCaprio will acquire his first Academy Award this weekend for his beard - develop and bear - contend public presentation inThe Revenant . He will walk up those steps , make a tastefully triumphal language , harbor the little golden man in his hands , and get whisked away to a tropic paradise populated by models half his geezerhood . As the awards - time of year narrative demands , hiswhole careerhas been build to this level . It ’s his fate .
But , as beautiful as that mo will be , it will also be lamentable . Why ? Because it will come apart the streak of Leo ’s dignity - filled Oscar losings . Say goodbye to theGIFsand thememes . To celebrate this end of an epoch , two of our writer and Leo lover , Dan Jackson and Anna Silman , turn over deep into the the role player ’s Oscar - losing face . As the bill poster forThe Revenantsays , " pedigree lost . Life found . "
The year:1994Nominated for : What ’s Eating Gilbert GrapeLost to : Tommy Lee Jones forThe Fugitive
Jason Merritt/Getty Images
Anna : Aww , young Leo ! He ’s only a bittie lad here , so I find like he was credibly just happy to be nominated . Plus , he got to encounter Ralph Fiennes , which is like every youthful boy ’s dream . adolescent be intimate Ralph Fiennes , right ?
Dan : Yeah , there ’s nothing a sweet - faced little 10 - yr - old youngster genius like more than rubbing cubital joint with Amon Goeth fromSchindler ’s List . Oh , hold back , I just calculate it up and Leo was actually 19 when this ceremony happened . He looks so … fresh - faced , like there ’s nothing this picayune dude wants more than to go home and wreak with his Nintendo Power Glove .
Do you imagine Tommy Lee Jones let Leo touch on the Oscar at the afterparty ? And , like , where was John Malkovich ?
Anna : Malkovich clearly gives no fucks about the Academy . Unlike Leo , who ’s just thrilled to be there basking in this once - in - a - lifetime honour that will almost certainly never happen again . Ah , young Leo . So uninstructed . I bet he does n’t even vape yet . Did people vape in 1994 ?
Dan : It would n’t surprise me if Leo was in on the early beta examination for the vaporizer . He ’s THAT COOL !
The year:2005Nominated for : The AviatorLost to : Jamie Foxx forRay
Dan : Look at that serious valet de chambre ! Let ’s break down that response : severely hand clapping , finger rigid in a fiddling tipi of slowly simmering rage , eyes cast towards the stage like he ’s eyeball someTitanic - detest mark dancing with his girl from across the Viper Room .
Leo is too good of an actor to let you make love that he ’s fuddled . But you could tell this horseshit is start to count him down . Jamie Foxx may have imitated Ray Charles , but LeowasHoward Hughes ? How dare they , Anna ? How dare they ?
Anna : I share in your outrage , Dan .
Leo ’s trying to look fooling , but he ’s clear annoyed . He pass water in feeding bottle for this shit ! Do you even bang how many jugs of homogenized milk he had to pledge every Clarence Shepard Day Jr. to prepare for this role ? The more I gaze into Leo ’s vacant , thousand - yard stare , I ’m begin to think that all that method acting performing might have go to his head . I finger like his inner monologue is just " the style of the future , the way of the future , the room of the future , the way of the future . "
Dan:“The way of the future . The means of the future tense . The path of the future . " Sorry , got distracted there . I ’m save this from my personal masking way where I watch over this Leo - starringKraft Singles commercialon a unvarying loop . Weird to cogitate of how important dairy farm has been to Leo ’s whole vocation discharge .
Anyway , verbalise of the future , what do you imagine Leo did after the ceremony ? This bechance in 2006 , so do you think he listen to Daniel Powter ’s " Bad Day " after losing or was he more of a " You ’re Beautiful " guy rope ?
Anna : Come on , Leo does not listen to James Blunt , even during his post - Oscar sulkiness sessions . He and Gisele in all likelihood conk out home and had an epic bone - sesh while rapping along toThe Black Album . At least that ’s what I like to imagine . In fact , I ’m conceive of it right now . Give me a minute . The year:2007Nominated for : stemma DiamondLost to : Forest Whitaker forThe Last King of Scotland
Dan : Leo , my man ! Good job maintain your cool . Two years have passed since hisAviatordefeat , but you may already secern Leo has perfected the nontextual matter of lose : stare off vacantly , golf - blast really fast , then pivot your question to the side so you may say something to your date , like , " give thanks God I did n’t lose to Ryan Gosling forHalf Nelson . That would ’ve been humiliating . " Besides , I do n’t even think Leo think he would make headway forBlood Diamond . That movie was trash , right ?
Anna : Definitely not his best work . I jibe that he depend more probably insouciant here than he did in ‘ 05 , but he ’s unquestionably make a flake of a tense jaw - clench state of affairs go on . peradventure he ’s trying to barricade himself from blurting out some heinous South African swear word he picked up on set .
Dan : You’re correct ! He looks like he might shit in his dinner jacket gasp in expectation . You think anyone has ever done that at the Oscars ? A hypothesis : that ’s why John Malkovich was n’t on screen for the nominating address part in 1994 .
Anna : You are decidedly wrong . And Leo even present Forest a standing ovation here – classy DiCaprio deserves applause of his own ! Moving on …
The year:2014Nominated for : The Wolf of Wall StreetLost to : Matthew McConaughey forDallas Buyers Club
Anna : You’ve got ta give Leo credit : even as he suffers through his quaternary upset , he ’s still the delineation of composure , pulling an immediate deferential clap - and - swivel towards hisWolf of Wall Streetco - ace McConaughey ( who he apparentlydoesn’t love ) , and then even give him a bro - smooch and -hug . Ugh , and then he has to posture through McConaughey ’s impossible Rust Cohle gibberish speech . The Academy Award are a flavourless circle .
Dan : Whoa , I do n’t wish all this McConaughey hatred . My pith is big enough for both these gold - statue - coveting beefcakes . It ’s possible to play the Tragelaphus eurycerus and equilibrate a G - pen between your lips . I do n’t want to survive in a cosmos where I have to choose between the star ofSurfer , Dude(yes , the Polygonia comma is real – I checked ) and the champion ofThe Beach .
One matter I just noticed , Leo go back to the bow tie this year ? You think he wear a bow link up again this Sunday ?
Anna : Excuse me Dan , you ca n’t just smear me as a McConaughater and then expect me to move on to word of neckties .
For the RECORD , I dig Hollywood ’s resident Surfer - Polygonia comma - dude as much as the next gallon , I just think his speech was kinda horseshit and I would much rather listen Leo wax poetic about the predicament of indigenous communities / the curse of capitalist economy / how to minimize our carbon footprints than have Matty Mac trying to explain that " when you got God , you got a acquaintance . And that friend is you . " Like , what ? No .
And yes , of form Leo ’s gon na hold out a bow tie this twelvemonth . He ’s drive ta await sharp for when he in conclusion get his statue ( although really , when does he not ? )
Dan : I’m glad we ’re on the same page . DiCaprio usually does face pretty sharp . But the one matter I ca n’t give up thinking about is this : what if he lose on Sunday ? What if he has to do the clench - jaw clapping affair one more time ? What if he ’s intend to go after this absurd little golden statue for years like hisRevenantcharacter pass away after Tom Hardy ? I could see the Dolby Theatre terminate in a battue on Sunday night .
And , even darker , what if we ’re designate to publish blog post like this forever ? I do n’t have any more vape jokes .
Anna : A world where Leo loses for a fifth time is not a world I want to experience in . If that find , entomb me alive and leave my organic structure for the bear , please .
signalise up herefor our everyday Thrillist email , and get your fix of the best in food / drink / fun .
