People scoff at me when I tell them that I plan to spend the bulk of the next 18 Clarence Day determine a certain set of outside athletic rivalry that are held in different major cities every few years . They say , “ Why ’d you say it like that ? Do n’t those competitions have a name ? ”
I reply , “ Oh yes they ’re quite noted . And they start this week in Rio De Janeiro , but I ’m not allowed to say the name . ”
They say , “ That vocalise dreadfully ridiculous . ”
I reply , “ Oh most definitely , but my editor has assure me he will rip out my tonsils if I say the name . Or rather , his lawyers will rip out his toenail , and then he ’ll rip out my tonsils . ”
They ask , “ Is that because the people who hold back the game are unhumorous , litigious weasel ? ”
To which I reply , “ What an offensive enquiry ! The people who hold these games are just the best . That is why no one is allowed to say their name or practice their logo without paying them . ”
Then they say , “ I just have to have it away which stake you ’re referring to ! ”
And I reply , “ I ’m truly sorry , I ca n’t recount you . ”
Then they waterboard me . It ’s a footling game we play . But I ’m develop ahead of myself .
In the feeling of this heroic competition , for the next two weeks I will be hosting a game of my own , lock up horn with my quondam and better frenemy , alcohol .
From now through August 21 , the networks and digital platforms of NBCUniversal will air an unprecedented 6,755 hours of scheduling for the Rio games . After a small math ( my specialty ) I figured out that arrive at for roughly 375 hours of coverage per daylight . If all 6,755 hours ran on one TV channel , it would take 281 days to finish airing . By which point I would have figured out that I am actually Usain Bolt , only someone slip my magic shoes and ability to die hard tight .
For me , binge - watching the games is n’t just a passion , it ’s a calling . Even if I ca n’t call them by their real name . So in the spirit of this epic competition , for the next two weeks I will be hosting a games of my own , locking horn with my oldest and best frenemy , alcohol .
That ’s correct . I ’m a prevarication - about fortysomething , semi - employed , hyper - hyphenate , exclusive , childless male , and I encounter drinking game . No , not your run - of - the - grinder everyday drunkenness games , like Zoom Schwartz Profigliano , Flip Cup or snatch Your Neighbor ’s Pet . I play at the high-pitched levels in the earth ’s leading test of intoxicant - infused strenuosity . Ladies and gentlemen , I demo to you the Fifth Biennial Potable Pentathlon . well known as the O’Drink It Games . Finally a games whose name I can shout from the rooftop . And often do .
permit the crapulence set out ! ! !
Event #1: Badminton Juleps
Badminton is the Summer game ’ third most flakey sportswoman , behind canoe slalom and golf . That ’s why I ’ve couple it with the third strangest bourbon cocktail , the Mint Julep , ( which trails Milk Punch , and the Bourbon and Raw Scallop Smash aka The Gary Busey ) .
The rules are unproblematic :
Event #2: Barchery
For this one , you ’ll need to entrust the house . Do n’t forget your smartphone , because you ’re definitely gon na need an Uber when it ’s over . conglomerate as many competitors as you may come up at a pothouse with a dartboard in flock of a TV showing archery . verify the place carries Genever , the traditional spirit of this rival , so that you may honor Hubert Van Innis of Belgium — the most adorn archer in Olympic history .
Everyone picks an Sagittarius to follow . Watch as he or she complete a round , which consists of 72 arrows ( comfortably potential musical score = 720 points ) . As soon as your Sagittarius complete his round , you have 5 minutes to match his precise sexual conquest by charge darts . If you succeed , all other challenger must take a shot of Genever . If you fail , you must drink a shot of Genever . Keep go , take another Genever shot for every minute you go over . If you ca n’t tally your archer ’s point total in under 10 minutes , you must either purchase everyone in the bar a slam of Genever or change your name to Hubert Van Innis . This will start to make sense once you ’ve had enough Genever .
Additionally , if at any time the announcer use the archery term “ grip , ” “ shaft ” and “ nocking gunpoint ” in the same judgment of conviction , the first competitor to cry “ Hee hee ! ” — the call of ancient Sagittarius — chooses another competitor of his pick to either take a scene of Genever or get everyone throw one dart at his or her foot .
Event #3: The Man In The Hightower
Rio 2016 marks the debut of rugby sevens — a faster , inadequate adjustment of the 15 - actor game . Since I do n’t interpret either edition , I strain out to NBC rugby analyst Brian Hightower , for help developing this event .
He made things absolutely clear . “ Are you out of your mind ? ” he said . “ I ca n’t go on disk excuse a drinking game . ”
When I remind him that he and I had played a drinking game or two in the past , he replied “ not since I turned 25 . And never on a worldwide video program during the Olympics . ”
Touche , Mister Big - Time - Sports - blab - Adult Guy . I guess I ’ll make the rules for this one up on my own . Oh , but first , order me , is n’t it true there ’s a position in rugby called a hooker ?
“ Yes , ” he said , “ but I do n’t think I wish where you ’re going with this . ”
And with that it all click into office . This secret plan is real simple . Every time highfalutin ’ NBC variation psychoanalyst Brian Hightower uses the Scripture “ hooker ” during a rugby telecast , raise a shot of Stranahan ’s Colorado Whiskey ( he lives in the Centennial State ) , shout “ Brian Hightower would n’t eff a good time if it shot him in the face ! ” and throw it back .
See , Brian ? Throw it back ? That ’s a rugby extension ! I did n’t spend all those years as a hooker for nothing .
Event #4: No Quarter
glide is actually one of the most grievous sport in the Games - Who - Must - Not - Be - Named . Thank goodness they ’re not go for the upshot in Rio ’s Guanabara Bay , which is report to befilled with toxic … look hold on a 2nd I ’m being told … What ? Oh dear . Well at least in sailing there ’s not muchcontact with the waterin this sportswoman .
This Potable Pentathlon outcome is a riff on fourth played one - on - one inside a orotund , inflatable kiddie kitty with a floating tray in the midriff . Both competitors wear a blindfold and some kind of marine hat . histrion take turns trying to throw a quarter into the cup on the floating tray . When one player scores , the other must drink a Guanabara Bay cocktail . If you ’ve never had a Guanabara Bay , it ’s a Mudslide - Caipirinha with a Clamato ice-cream soda , served lukewarm and garnish with three Zika - infected mosquitos . Olé olé !
Event #5: Golf
Golf is the hellish , unclean pursuance of gibbering fury . Look at the grounds : It ’s not an athletic pastime , yet it ’s in the games . Players vie to take the least action potential . The player with the few points win . So the only appropriate drink to play along it isabsinthe — ideally the gnarly , high - thujone stuff you smuggle out of the Czech Republic two summertime ago .
In purity of golf game ’s odd brand of chaos - magic , thespian are encouraged to make up their own linguistic rule as they go along and commute them with every cakehole . The only thing that does not dance to Satan ’s resistless tune is the elimination touchstone . If at any point during your five - minute , 18 - pickle descent into the darkness of your own soul you begin to actually revel watching golf game , you lose .
shoulder strap in kid . It ’s going to be a longOlympicstwo weeks .
