The term " dive bar " gets chuck aroundmighty liberally these day … what once signified a hideout of strong drinkable and ill repute for gentle - leash schlubs these days has become a mantle term for any sure-enough place with tallboy / shot combos and cold floors . The terminus ’s straight - up been co - opted , with veritable taverns getting mislabeled and many joints even designating themselves as " dives , " as if some chumps determine to open up a Chuck Bukowski report commons .
Chuck Bukowski for sure would n’t drink a $ 12 trade cocktail ( sike , dude would drink gas if somebody else was buying ) . And he ’d certainly be able to blob a fake diving legal community a mil away . We ’re not saying to be like Bukowski . But if you ’re in a " dive bar " and observe any of the following , it might just be an imposter .
The word “dive” is in the joint’s name
If a position is actually calling itself a dive by name , that ’s a surefire sign that some hipster who ’s never been in a real hole want to open a bar , but did n’t want to invest in a vacuum or courteous illumination . Lots of fern , though . There ’s always money for fern .
The lighting’s great
Most light should be provided by slightly broken atomic number 10 signs , not something weird like an Edison bulb or , ugh , a windowpane .
There’s a great beer selection
If you ordinate a microbrew , it should be a pellet of beer to chase down some flash whiskey . Otherwise , the taps should be " regular " and " light . "
There’s a cocktail menu
Ordering cocktails with names other than " on the rocks , " " and Coke , " and " just gimme the bottle " should result in you being ridiculed by the entire joint . Also , a real dive does n’t dish two-base hit , because singles are triple .
The TVs are flat-screens
If the TV does n’t count 40lbs , flicker , and require industrial - effectiveness metal to semi - safely be elevated above center level , it has no place in a real diva bar . Also , low - def TVs are satisfactory light source in the absence seizure of window .
The bartender is extremely welcoming
barman at a honest dive bar are broadly speaking inconvenienced by your presence , mainly because it means they have to come in from the roll of tobacco rift they ’ve been on since 1971 .
You feel comfortable walking to the bathroom without looking over your shoulder
If you do n’t feel somewhat threatened by ominous stares once or doubly , or at least get the urge to experience your back pouch to ensure your wallet is still there , you ’ve seriously mistaken the condition of this bar .
There’s no craggy old man telling a story that makes zero sense…
… or making mistily threatening prediction about the future , like some demonic predictor who might explode when exposed to open flame .
There’s a Wi-Fi code
Conversely , if you ask the barman , " What ’s the Wi - Fi codification ? " and are n’t at once told to leave , this might as well be the Ritz .
It’s selling souvenir sweatshirts
A bogus dive legal profession sells $ 40 hoodies with the joint ’s name on it . At a real nosedive bar , $ 40 will cover your yellow journalism for the next week , plus give you full access to whatever you want to take from the lost and found .
Nobody stares you down when you enter
The platter gelt when you get in is n’t necessary ( and , rent ’s be honest , the record player ’s been broken since ' 83 ) . But whatisnecessary is that everybody in the reefer now goes silent and leers at you . They ’re most potential work to tell you you ’re not permit to pose in " Bill ’s seat " either , despite Bill not being anywhere to be found .
There’s a top shelf
Whiskey is whiskey . Rum is rum . The only thing on the top shelf should be the urn containing Bill ’s ash tree .
The decorations on the walls match
Random bric - a - brac – beer polarity , ripped and outdated posters , half a separate - off knife – on the walls should be anticipate . Matching shit that depend like it come from Etsy should be burn .
The glassware matches
The glassware should be a bunch of mismatched , chip - oppressed junk either from Goodwill or slip from the fancy prevention down the street . Stemware should refer to the mixologist ’s charge that her branch spite from stand around all day , not any of the glasses in the legal profession .
There is no duct tape on the booths
No tears , no fear of getting lockjaw from a rust-brown spring in a John Wilkes Booth … no nosedive .
There’s a full food menu
possibly some fry food for thought is acceptable , we say . But if there ’s a sandwich that is n’t a Hot Pocket , this place is full of shit .
The vending machine in the bathroom sells animal balloons
I mean , this is a place for adults . Why would it be sell fauna balloons in the bathroom ? And why are they all covered in studs and app ? ! What variety of giraffe would be comprehend … oh . Oh no . perhaps thisisa dive bar .
Daniel Fishel/Thrillist
Flickr/Jeremy Brooks
Lindsey McClave/Thrillist
Dan Morris/Thrillist
Sean Cooley/Thrillist
