Americans ! What are we go to do with these multitude ? They spend all their metre distort their hands about how many sinister - skinned people they ’re unforced to rent into their country , but the minute the loss gets tough , they all want to hop-skip the 49th parallel like Canada ’s some rustic giving getaway . Not so fast , wannabe ex-wife - pats – the British did n’t burn the White House in 1814 just so you could practice us to fly the coop your problem whenever you find like it .
Not that you’re able to really blame the impulse , though . If I was faced with the fact that Donald Drumpf is taking over my country , I ’d believably require to bail , too . But how would that actually work ? What would happen if there was a sudden influx of bleeding - core American refugee beating down our ( courteously unlocked ) door ?
Here , in no particular order , is a considerateness of how much an American exodus would actually impact Canadian life .
John Raedle/Staff/Getty Images News
Housing
If you thought the housing markets in Vancouver and Toronto were already stupid as hell , oh buddy , just wait until a deluge of affluent American expats make up one’s mind they need to relocate to the only two Canadian cities anyone can name . No one will move to Montreal , because French is the Devil ’s linguistic communication . Vancouver is basically Seattle with better weed , and Toronto is just New York if it never moved out of its female parent ’s cellar , so the culture jolt would be minimum ( aside from the upsetting fact that we take Drake really seriously for some reason ) .
Considering that this would be a group of people with enough money to pack up and move to a different country on a notion – and that Canadian currentness is fundamentally Monopoly money mighty now – it would really only take one or two bidding state of war between Hollywood transportation over a 20sqft dumpster in West Van ( marketplace price : $ 1,287,395.27 ) to finally burst this country ’s real estate bubble .
instead , for those who prefer adventuresome life and soul - pour down desolation , there ’s always scenic Newfoundland .
Flickr/Dennis Jarvis
Guns
Unlike the freedom - have a go at it people to the south , it is generally lower upon in Canada to channel rape rifles around at , say , Toys “ R ” Us . We can only hope that the influx of new arrival would be able to quickly master the preferred Canadian method of defending one ’s accolade : lay waste to peaceful - aggressive barbs block out as politeness , and/or trash - talking one another during an inebriated bonspiel .
Healthcare
The most obvious perk of deliver American citizenship to the Mounties at the border crossing is publicly funded health care . Admittedly , seeing a doctor , or getting surgical process or radiation therapy , without stimulate to worry about get bankrupt is fairly damn great – although God help you if you necessitate to grease one’s palms medication or go to the dentist .
Actually , pay how much the tone of care outside the hospital is determined by the size of it of your wallet ( or your employer ’s indemnity program ) , most Americans would probably find reasonably comfortable up here .
Sports
Nothing will ever exchange the intense and totally arbitrary excited attachment Canadians feel towards their internal sports , so the only matter US emigree can do is adapt . The most important matter for Americans to realise is that in Canada , field hockey is virulent serious stage business . It ’s also prominently plebian … unlike in the US , where being into hockey is some elitist hipster garbage on par with being in the Skull & Bones or a 33rd Degree Freemason .
In the unfortunate outcome that anyone wind up on the Prairies , the bizarro humanity of Canadian football will give them the culture electric shock of a lifetime . The field is minor , there is something called a blusher , and the league really hold a shit about addressing domesticated violence … so it ’s enormously different from the NFL .
And unless you ’re in Toronto , a huge math nerd , or the Jays make another pennant extend ( lol ) , you could probably just tally your baseball game knowledge at the door . But hey ! At least the raptor are still in the playoffs !
Kristina Servant
Culture
What I ’m about to say is blasphemy , but : a monolithic inflow of Americans would in reality be really good for Canadian cultivation .
Sure , Americans are reality - famous philistines . And the Donald Trump presidency they ’d be flee is really just the culmination of 20 years of the realness television - industrial building complex warping everyone ’s genius . But see me out : they ’re also used to really good video , which ( exterior of flashes of splendor from Atlantic Canada ) is very obviously not our nation ’s strong wooing . They would n’t abide for the entertainment barren we call Canadian Netflix , and theydefinitelywouldn’t stand for the in public fund CBC to funnel their revenue enhancement dollar bill into yet another season ofHeartland . Even if Trump loses the election , I would still encourage the American cultural lot to move here en masse and save our broadcasting from ourselves .
Of course , the downside to all this is that we do n’t get any pick in which celebrity adjudicate to skip over ship . We get Whoopi Goldberg , but we also get Lena Dunham . perchance we strike a mickle to deport some of these people in telephone exchange for , I do n’t know , Martin Short .
Flickr/Jim
National unity
Of course , the literal elephant in the room here is what a stampede of American national would do to Canadian national identity , which is the only political issue anyone in this country care about for longer than two instant at a prison term . All the barely closeted racism you saw from your in high spirits school exes on Facebook when the Syrian refugee arrived will have nothing on the Yanks showing up .
America is our enhancer . Canadians necessitate these people to be as dreaded as potential so that we can sense good about ourselves . They are everything we are n’t : they ’re barbarians who love warfare , deregulated capitalist economy , SUVs , and all - day McDonald ’s breakfast .
The only constant to the last 150 years of Canadian life has been how not - American we are . They are traitorous colonials who hate the British pate , while we give 24 - hr news reporting to Prince George learning to use a toilet . They waggle brutal , genocidal war on their aboriginal inhabitants , while we were civilise , and made ours sign accord before starving them onto reserves . They ’re still bring out how not to have police slaying pitch-black people in the streets for no cause , while we have a grammatical gender - adequate storage locker and more Sikhs in governance than the Republic of India . Like Batman and the Joker , we really need each other in some strange , tragic way . An American diaspora on the Canadian shield would really mess with our common sense of self .
But then again , this would also be the most liberal set of Americans – those who are most aspirationally Canadian , the ones already convinced that public healthcare , firearm restrictions , and former morning Caesars are the way , the trueness , and the life ( severally ) . All thing deliberate , we could probably look at .
Of course , this is all just a reverie . Once Trump actually takes office in January , he ’ll in all likelihood just build a bulwark to keep them all inwardly .
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