Welcome back toOff the Menu , where we bring you the secure and strangest food stories from my e-mail inbox . This week , we ’ve got another of our old favorites : enormously , tragically stupid eating place customers . As always , these are real electronic mail from real readers , though names have been change .

What are “chicken”?

" At my Subway , during a dinner upsurge , two women came in and I asked how I could help them . They did n’t resolve , or else gaze at the menu for 20 or 30 seconds before ask me very slowly , ' Does the roast chicken sandwich have chicken in it ? '

" I paused , not all trusted how to do or solely confide myself to respond . After some hesitation , ' Yes … ? Yes , the joint chicken has chicken in it . '

" It was a question that , once answered , seemed irrelevant to them both . Nothing further was asked , and no context for the doubt was bring home the bacon . The rest of the dealings proceeded normally . They place Meleagris gallopavo melting . Which had turkey . " –Cullen O’Neil

Off the menu

Jason Hoffman/Thrillist

Hold the (nonexistent) mayo

" I process at Jimmy John ’s . We get yell from time to time asking if we serve kid or cheesesteaks ( there is no red-hot nutrient at Jimmy John ’s , save novel breadstuff ) , and once a family unit walked in and unironically ordered a high mallow pizza pie . But the story that take the cake is this one .

" The menu at the memory board is simple , with only a few replacement options . This did not stop one charwoman , though . She called on a dark where it was just me and a manager , so I served as order taker , sandwich Jehovah , and saving gadget driver .

She found the salami , tasted the salami , and BEGAN CRYING .

W

" This adult female order an Italian nightspot , which is unremarkably salami , capicola , and ham … but she desire it ' without the spicy meat . ' I told her she might require to try the ham and Malva sylvestris , as it was cheaper and could still be made like an Italian , but she doubled down .

" ' NO , ' she bellowed over the earpiece . ' I require the Italian . And please , no mayonnaise . '

" Sure . Fine . Whatever . It truly did n’t count to me , and her outgo more meant my guaranteed delivery money would be a bit more anyway , so I made her ham and high mallow with Italian - way toppings and delivered it .

Off the menu

Jason Hoffman/Thrillist

" Upon bring back to the store , the coach was on the phone and beckoned me over . He put it on hold and read , ‘ This fair sex say we pass on her the wrong sandwich . She regularise an Italian , and she says you made her a ham actor and cheese with mayo . '

" I explain what she told me earlier ( except for the mayo – what the hell was she talking about ? ) , so the manager proceeded to have an identical conversation with the woman . However , due to collective policy , we had to make and deliver another sandwich . This time , we decided to throw some salami on it , skip it was n’t too savoury for her .

" When I got there , she proceeded to open and take apart the sandwich in front of me , pointing out things as if they were key evidence at test . She yelled at me for this sandwich also having ' mayo ' while pointing at oil - and - vinegar dressing . She rule the salami , tasted the salami , and BEGAN CRYING . Through her tears , she bleated out , ' Too savory . ' "

" I inform her she had two options ( because I was not being paid for this second saving ): she could either keep the gammon sandwich or the one with salami . Enraged , she predict my manager , who tell her the same thing . I asked her which sandwich she want , and she meekly said she would keep the ham and cheese .

" I start walking back to my car when she asked me for the difference in price between the two sandwiches . Only time I have ever express joy at a customer to their face . “– Carson Hobart

Food safety not guaranteed

" I work at a cupcake store . When people range at the register , a shimmy comes out for whoever ’s tamp down the cupcake , plus any annotation about how to pack them . At that distributor point , I ’ll start commit the flavors from the trays , place them on the counter , and then put them in the boxwood . I ’ve done this hundred of times . Until this lady walked over and saw that I had placed four of her cupcakes on the counterpunch .

" ' Are those mine ? ' she said , already really nasty .

" ' Yeah , ' I say , ' I ’m seize your box right now . '

" ' They ’re on the table , ' she say , still in an angry articulation . ' They ’re dirty . ' I guess I could see how someone MIGHT think that , if they had never run through a cupcake before in their integral living , and did n’t know cupcake wrappers exist . But I pick one up for her and showed her the wrapper . ' They ’re enclose , they ’re not match the replication , ' I said , like a reasonable person .

" ' No , ' she said , now really wild . ' They ’re dirty . Give me Modern ones . '

" So I did . But what an changeling . Was she planning on licking the buttocks of the wrappers ? So unclear . “– Valerie Ekman

Gotta watch out for that tomato X-ray vision

" I work at a husbandman market on the weekends in Washington , DC . It ’s a pretty received exercise set - up . dissimilar vendors get along to one location to sell their good . I work for a farm that sells fruits and vegetables .

" My new favorite private present moment happened this past calendar week . We almost never get complaint about the quality of the nutrient , so when a woman came up to me and said she cut into some tomatoes to rule that they were rotten , I apologized copiously . Unfortunately , the conversation continued like this :

" Shopper : ' Well , I just wanted you to have it off ! '

" Me : ' Please experience free to get young tomatoes . Again , I really do apologize ! '

" Shopper : ' No , no , it ’s all right , that ’s not why I did that , I just require you to know so you could check out . '

" Me , hesitating , because we put out each tomato by hired man and do n’t put out ones that are rotten , obviously , because we ’re not crappy at our jobs : ' Oh , OK . Well , before you trim back into it , did it look at all like it was rotten ? '

" Shopper : ' Well , it was squishy , but no , there was nothing on the outside . '

" Me , not saying , ' Squishy like a ripe tomato , maybe ? ' : ' OK , well … '

" Shopper : ' Like I say , I just wanted to let you know so that the farmer can fit the insides before you may put them out . '

" Me : * Stares , back talk agape , enquire what tomato X - ray vision she believes we possess to see the love apple for only - on - the - inside rottenness * " –Nathan Niekowicz

Maybe it was pinot giorgio

" I work as a cashier / earpiece order - taker at a pretty pop pizza pie place in Houston . What ’s singular about us , aside from being the only blank space I know of that really make Chicago cryptic - dish pizza pie , is that we have a licence to deliver beer and wine . It ’s a pretty popular service , especially among the patronage - type folks that inhabit around my computer memory .

It took me 15 valuable minutes to explain to her that riesling was , in fact , a clean wine-colored .

" One meddlesome nighttime , a customer called and ordered a pizza and a nursing bottle of wine . ' That ’s all , ' she said , until I went through the total wine leaning ( with four other hoi polloi on detainment ) and finally got her to conciliate on our house riesling , remember that was supposedly the variety of wine she wish . I warn her that because we were busy , and our pizzas took a while , delivery could be about an hour and a one-half . She said it was ok , and I depart about take other orders .

" About an hour later , she called and ranted and raved that it had been more than two hours and she had n’t received her pizza . I hung up and called the number one wood , and it turn out he was quite literally on his manner up to her apartment .

" Not five minute after what I presuppose was a successful pizza drop cloth - off , she called yet again . She told me she was indignant , because she had regulate a RIESLING and she stimulate ' some white wine-colored . ' It took me 15 valuable minutes to explicate to her that riesling was , in fact , a livid wine .

" My manager get me bequeath earlier than the other phone female child just for having to deal with that . " –Jessica Moreno

The tyranny of drink sizes

" I used to work at a Starbucks and , on the whole , I really enjoyed the job . The only thing that trouble me was when customers treated me like an idiot . The most vernacular occurrence of this was a little exchange any barista is probably intimate with : a client would take the air up to the tabulator and say , ' I ’d like a white mocha coffee with skim milk , no whip , ' and I ’d say , ' What size would you like that ? ' , and they ’d patronizingly repeat ' a WHITE MOCHA with SKIM Milk River , NO whip , ' as if they could n’t believe Starbucks had hired someone who was partially indifferent .

" Normally , I would say , ' Right , but what size of it for that drink ? ' and they ’d say , ' Oh , grande , ' and look a little sheepish . And that ’s ok , it happen . But one day we had a woman who took this infernal matter to the next level . She was an upper - social class - looking blonde lady with a lot of jewelry .

" Lady : ' I ’ll have a skinny vanilla caffe latte . '

" Me : ' Sure , what size ? '

" Lady ( louder ): ' A SKINNY VANILLA LATTE . '

" Me : ' OK , but what size would you like the drink to be ? '

" Lady ( wander her optic ): ' A SKINNY . VANILLA . LATTE . '

" ME : ' Yes ! A skinny vanilla latte ! But I necessitate to know if you want a magniloquent , a grande , or a venti ! Which size ? '

" Lady ( furious ): ' I do n’t want ANY of those . I want a weedy vanilla latte . '

" Me : ' blue , those are our sizes . Do you want a small , a medium , or a large ? '

" Lady : ' FOR THE LAST TIME , I need A MEDIUM SKINNY VANILLA LATTE . '

" One of my only complaints in my yr work at Starbucks was that I was not allowed to make this woman ’s drink , call it out , and then drink it in front of her , saying , ' Mmmm , this MEDIUM skinny vanilla latte is soooo good . ' " –Ike Hargrove

Do you have a eating house , home - cookery , or any other food - next floor you ’d like to see seem in Off the Menu ( on ANY matter , not just this one ) ? Please emailWilyUbertrout@gmail.comwith “ Off the Menu ” in the open line ( or you may line up me on Twitter@EyePatchGuy ) . submission are always welcome !

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