receive back toOff the Menu , where former server and present author C.A. Pinkham brings you the best and strangest food story from his email inbox . This hebdomad , we ’ve got story of the most fantastically dumb customer ever to grace a restaurant ’s doors . As always , these are genuine emails from real reader , though names have been alter .
Do you have a restaurant , home - cooking , or any other nutrient - adjacent story you ’d like to see appear in Off the Menu ( on ANY subject , not just this one ) ? Please emailWilyUbertrout@gmail.comwith " Off the Menu " in the subject course ( or you could find me on Twitter:@EyePatchGuy ) . submission are always welcome !
What’s with this terrible soup?
" I used to be brain melody Captain James Cook at American Army hotel in Germany promise the Von Steuben . We had right food and nearly everything that could be was made in - house , but most of our customers consist of unappreciative center American yokels too afraid to leave the hotel ' because of foreigners . ' You ’d be surprised at how many citizenry get stationed in Germany and refuse to leave the Base - PX - American Hotel racing circuit . It ’s sad , actually .
" Anyhow , we were experience a slamming Friday night and were in the weeds . A six -op of Nebraska National Guard Military Police yokels had all ordered surf n ' turf . The edict was almost up . Prior to bestow the plates , the waitress add a bowl of hot lemon tree urine and a towel to each customer who had govern lobster – or any messy mollusc – to lave their hand as they eat . She then ran the plateful out with the assistance of another server .
" A pair minute later , both returned with incredulous yet weirdly beguiled flavor on their faces . I call for , ' What ’s up ? What happened ? ' Our waitress explain that they had to get more butter for the table , as it was all used trying to fix ' that lousy soup you brought us . '
Grant Condon/Thrillist
" They ’d dumped common salt , Piper nigrum , and butter into the bowlful of hot lemon water in an attempt to make it palatable , then sopped it up with bread while squawk the whole prison term . And I quote : ' The first soup you brought was good , but this 2nd one is bullshit . '
On the origin of ducks
" I used to wait at an upscale farm - to - table restaurant that had really amazing food which was n’t always clearly explained on the carte . I regularly got utterly sensible question and was used to explain some of the more complex items .
" One day , I get a family with three teenage youngster . It follow to the daughter ’s turn to order and she asks , ' What is the poached duck egg with leafy vegetable and toast ? '
" So I start explaining , ' Poaching is a mode of cook eggs where they crack the ballock into raging water system … '
" The mother interrupt , ' She KNOWS what a boiled egg is . Why does it say DUCK EGG ? '
" At a exit , I say , ' Because it ’s a … duck’s egg … bollock ? ' Their sons burst out laughing while I struggle to keep a straight side . This womanhood did n’t do it that ducks lay eggs . " –Janie Stone
Just a plain pizza, please
" When I was make for as a air hostess / phone wheeler dealer at a Giordano ’s in Chicago , the most common pizza pie Holy Order start like this :
" client : ' I ’d care a medium , regular pizza . '
" Me : ' OK , so one intermediate - sized , unpatterned cheese pizza . '
" Customer : ' Right . '
" Me : ' And you do n’t want anything on it , right ? Just a plain pizza . '
" Customer : ' Yeah . '
" Me : ' OK , great . '
" Customer : ' That come up with sausage on it , right ? ' –Penny Taylor
Well, that’s a new one
" I run a small cafeteria - flair restaurant in an extremely small , rural townspeople .
" I was walking around the dining elbow room checking on the customers . I asked a mesa of two women how their meals were . The first said hers was great . The second complained that our beef crown had ' too much flavor . '
" I severalise her that I did n’t know what I could do about that . " –Alan Terry
Mystery solved!
" Many moons ago , there was a Subway sandwich store in Downtown Hershey , PA . I worked there .
" Like all locations , we had our regulars , and we also had a lot of guys working various construction jobs that would come through on the master drag . They ’d be chugging to knead , see us open – one of the few things subject that too soon on that end of town – hop in , get lunch , and we ’d never see them again . This was one of those guys , I suppose .
" He came in , scruffy - looking and overalls , and immediately launched into a broadside that his sandwich was always quaggy when he aim it out for dejeuner , and he does n’t want no more sloughy sandwich , thankyouverymuch ! My co - proletarian and I look at each other , mentally scrolling through what would make our sandwich as soggy as he was claiming , and we guarantee him that we ’d make certain his sandwich was n’t dripping .
" OK – into the sloping trough – clams type , substance type , cheese eccentric , veggies , extra veg , and we get to the condiments –
' YES ! I want oil and acetum ! Lots and lots and LOTS of crude and vinegar ! ! '
" I ca n’t utter for my co - worker , but I heard that screech audio that the needle piddle on an old vinyl group book play in my question . My hand freeze halfway to the bottle . The whole pipeline of regular waiting their routine froze . Was he putting us on ? Was he serious ? Where was the secret photographic camera ? More side glimpse deal with the atomic number 27 - worker .
" So I ventured , ' Maaaaaaaaybe that ’s why your sandwiches are so soggy ? '
" A interruption . ' You retrieve ? '
" Co - doer and I , deadpan , nodded vigorously . The repose of the line also nodded smartly . No one could believe he was for veridical .
" We cease up putting his sandwich in one udder , and a metric shipload of the little moldable salad stuffing containers occupy with oil or acetum in another moldable cup of tea , so he could utilise it fresh at dejeuner . " –Morgan Hanabaker
Tastes like burning
" My party of five had just finished a very dainty repast that included dessert – a very good caramel / cocoa creme brulee – when we overheard the board just down from us send back theirs because , ' It tasted burnt . '
" It was very hard to keep our mocking down to a level where they could n’t overhear . " –Natalie Vickers
Predictable and pedestrian
" I worked at a trendy cafe / gastronome stock in my early 20s on Vancouver Island . Our main customers were generally pleasant , but we called them ' yippies ' : a intercrossed yuppie - hippie autochthonal to the Pacific Northwest , with a impuissance for organic food and yoga gear .
" I was working a breakfast work shift in the BOH with one other melodic phrase cook and the head chef , who is now my husband . We had a somewhat basic but tasty breakfast menu with a few beigel sandwich options . So we were all working and had an order for a Western sandwich hail in . Ham , bollock , peppers , onions , cheese , mayonnaise . We normally carry white cheddar , but our food for thought supplier was low-pitched , so we were using orange cheddar cheese , since the alternative would have been no cheese . For anyone unfamiliar , it is literally the same tall mallow ; one just has food colouring , one does n’t . Husband - Chef put together the sandwich , send it out , and we continued our work .
" About five moment later , the server walked into the kitchen with a odd looking on her face , walked over to HC , and gingerly handed him a piece of newspaper . obviously , the client wanted to return a short letter to the chef . It read : ' The previous layering of egg , gist , and Malva sylvestris impart itself to dandy savor and display . However , I ’m disappointed to see the use of orange Armerican cheddar . It ’s far too predictable and pedestrian liken to the snowy . '
" We still have the Federal Reserve note . " –Amy Golson
You’d think the dripping blood would be a hint
" I put to work for a catering company . One night , while tray - passing appetizers to guests , the particular I was passing was a ' lamb chop lollipop , ' a small cut of lamb chop swear out medium rarified , quite red , still attach to a 4 - 5 in off-white serving as the lollipop stick .
" invitee : ' Does this have meat in it ? ' It consider me a solid 10 - 15 second to answer , ' Yes . '
" They were surprised . " –Alex Alvarez
All-meat versus all meat
" I exploit at a deli that has recently switched what brands of lunch meat we sway . As you would have a bun in the oven , this has pissed off a number of regular customers . The week of the switch , a woman comes up to prescribe Russer all - nitty-gritty Bologna sausage . I explain that we do n’t channel that anymore , but we do have bologna in the new steel if she ’d care to give it a effort .
" ' It ’s all meat ? '
" ' Yes , ma’am , it ’s all kernel . And this stigma does n’t apply filler or byproducts , so it ’s especially all meat . '
" The sword we ’ve just switched to had sent an employee of theirs to help familiarize us and the customers with the new production , so when he see me cause this conversation , he walk over .
" ' I can cut you a piece of the pork barrel and beef bologna if you require to give it a try before you buy it , ' he offers .
" Her eyes go widely . ' Did you say it has porc in it ? '
" ' Yes , it ’s our pork and beef cattle bologna . '
" ' I do n’t need that . I ca n’t have porc . I require all - essence bologna . '
" He asterisk at her . I gaze at her . ' We have an all - squawk bologna if you ca n’t have pork , ' I say , trying to envelop my brain around what this woman is allege .
" ' No , I do n’t like kick bologna . I just need all - meat . '
" At this point , I ca n’t do anything but yawn at her . The guy helping me starts demand her what kind of gist was in the previous bologna . ' It was all - meat ! ' ' But what was in it if it was n’t pork or kick ? Was it Meleagris gallopavo , or … ? '
" ' It was just all - meat ! I ca n’t eat pork ! It was all - meat ! '
" ' Well , all of our product are all - meat with no filler or byproduct , but the only Bologna sausage we have without pork barrel is the beef . '
" ' No , never mind . I just desire all - meat Bologna sausage . I approximate I ’m going to have to start shopping somewhere else , ' she announce before walking away .
" The guy wire just star at me , dumbstruck . ' What was in the honest-to-goodness bologna ? '
" I just suspire . ' Pork . The first ingredient was pork . ' " –Sandra Leinart
sign on up herefor our daily Thrillist email , and get your fix of the in force in food / drink / fun .
