Sex advice is everywhere . OK , it ’s mostly on the pages ofCosmopolitanandElle , but that does n’t make it any more legitimate than what you memorize about in health class … unless you learned about sexual urge in the South .
By way of an dead out - of - control Reddit thread , we found some of the worst sex advice that ’s ever been tested out and are now cringing for the rest of our lives .
Please do n’t try any of this at nursing home .
Jennifer Bui/Shutterstock/thailoei92
The literal blow job
" While date stamp my ex , who was new to everything , she was told by a friend to chew on ice and blow me as it would feel dependable . She had never done really anything so when we tried this out , she chewed the ice and literally fellate on me . Never put me in her mouth , just blew insensate air onto my dick . “–mstrbts
" My ex wife get word it ’s well-situated to accept if you go all the room down as he ’s cumming . So she feed it a attempt the next time we got a short risky , she ’s never liked the taste of cum , or even stand it for that matter , so I gave her the courtesy tap , and she goes all the fashion down , I was n’t expecting it , it did the trick to completely finish me off and I tout my load , she coughed , my cum came out of her nose , then she gag , then she proceeded to drop my dick up , then flip up all over my junk and between my leg and on my tum and my pelvic part . it was everywhere . Moral of the story , blow jobs are for before dinner , not after . “–SpartanDoubleZero
" Pre - cyberspace , someone I have it off . His girlfriend had never given him a blowjob when she did she actually blew . No theme how long it live but he ran to the bath and hollo like was dying . When he finally came out of the privy , he tell he was pissing air the whole time . “–vidorian
Shutterstock/Lucky Business
" I was last down on my ex-husband , and he differentiate me to bite his cock , chew it intemperately . And I did . It was sound advice for the somebody I was with ( he seemed to like it well enough ) , but decidedly bad , BAD advice for anyone else . as luck would have it I have the coarse signified not to essay it with anyone else!”–luckiest_wasp
" Put an Altoid in your mouth during oral sexual urge , it will experience awing ! No , no it didn’t . “–ragbagger
Whipped cream, Vaseline, and tears
" I read something about Vaseline early on in the mean solar day , but by the time night came around I somehow blend up the name and think it was Vicks Vaporub that the article was verbalize about . So I rubbed it on my swain at the time . I remember he was like I do n’t know wo n’t that burn … and I was like nooooo I read it in a magazine that it makes it feel good …. Fast frontward five minutes and it is my boyfriend in the shower crying trying to transfer the burning superstar , but he ca n’t because it is repelling the water , he ends up like purging and crying for a long , long time . I felt like the worst person the world . “–ACuriousCreature
" Whipped cream . Fun at first , but then the reek , oh dear oh dear oh dear . The horrible stench of off milk . And it just would n’t go away no matter how much we lavish . “–ohboywhatnow
" Wearing lingerie . And I do n’t mean nice lingerie . I mean the is - it - Legs - Avenue - or - is - it - a - Halloween - costume type intimate apparel . I feel like such an arsehole . Demeaning the nursing professing like that . “–VampireSurgeon
Shutterstock/PonomarenkoNataly
" I once read on some dumb women ’s on-line forum about using a slimly warmed , core peach on a hombre ’s dick and decide ( with approval ) to try it on the ex . I warmed the peach lightly in a cooking pan of body of water , removed the colliery , and carried it across the room . I tripped over his pants on the path there ( they were on the floor ) and threw the peach with tremendous force into his nutsack where it splatter and made a frightful , sickening thwump . “–karmacorn
" When my husband was in Air Force technical school schoolhouse they did regular foray of the dorms for contraband . One time the officer in mission found a 12 - inch glass dildo in the deep-freeze in one girl ’s way . He bet at her in confusion , and she lose it to attention and shouted , ‘ I like it stale , sir!’”–c13h18o2
Medical mishaps and angry Germans
" Pop Rocks blowjobs . I got the theme from fake commercial about a distaff high-pitched school educatee fail a tryout . She decided giving fountainhead to her instructor would avail but the valet de chambre was unimpressed . She then whip out a battalion of Pop Rocks and resumed blowing him . He then become the F into an A on her test . So my bf and I stayed at a hotel that ’s across from a 7 - 11 . I think it was a good clip to seek that Pop Rocks myth .
" He ’s on the bed , I put down the Pop Rocks into my rima oris and pass down on him . In minute , he begin scream from pain and rolls over into fetal position while give his dick . plain , the Pop Rocks were pop inside his urethra , causing him sear volatile pain . “–guitartechie
" Using Saran wrapper instead of a condom ended up with a trip to the infirmary and a $ 200 bill to fish the Saran from late within my ex , rather than a fast misstep to the gas pedal station and $ 5 for a fucking safe . “–DishonoredSinceBirth
Shutterstock/thailoei92
" 80 % of anything in a Kama Sutra record . Seriously , pull vaginal muscles and a broken prick is what you ’re looking forrad to if you try all the positions and are n’t as agile as a gymnast . “–Thatlilone
" I ’m a secret pilot with my own planing machine and everything . Decided to go on holiday with my SO . After two time of day or so we start to get frisky . The autopilot come on and we ’re starting to have full - on sex aright there . retentive tarradiddle light , we take on too long .
" end up entering German airspace ( We came from Denmark ) , I realized too late , so when I contact tug ( ATC ) I was being visited by two German Eurofighter Typhoon military aircraft . I was grounded , end up buzz off a mulct and a serious warning . No Bachelor of Arts in Nursing though . Moral of the floor : always fuck how much time you ’ve got when having sex on an aircraft . ”–Tarron
" abstention . “–ShibaHook
Jeremy Glassis a author for Thrillist and does n’t wish Pop Rocks anymore .
