sparkle spoiler for the four seasons ofSilicon Valley , available to stream on HBO Goand HBO Now , ahead . As Erlich might say , if you have n’t see them yet , what the f*ck are you doing here ?
No one inSilicon Valleyis safe from T.J. Miller ’s Erlich Bachman . The arrogant line-shooter , " who says whatever the fuck he need , " has become the king of tech - orient takedowns . presently , unfortunately , his crownwill have to go to someone else . forwards ofErlich ’s departure , we ’ve compiled the case ’s harshest burns , snarkiest digs , and most articulately phrased put - downs to date . Bask in the lovable rudeness while you still can .
( word of advice : NSFW words and phrases follow . )
BahamuTheGuardian/Youtube
When Erlich watch his incubees not taking advantage of a networking opportunity:“Kid Rock is the pitiful person here – asunder from you guys . There ’s $ 40 billion of final worth take the air around this party . You guy cable are stand up around imbibing shrimp and talking about what ejaculate tastes like . "
In reply to Richard calling Steve Jobs a codeless poser:“You just go away up your own asshole , you lie with that ? "
To Jared , after learn of his aim to leave Hooli for Pied Piper:“The fuck you will be . We ’ll call you when we want pleated khakis . "
What it ’s like when he tells citizenry to be skeptical:“Let me explain something to you : your whole life you ’ve been an wretched chick , but now suddenly you ’re a hot dame with big tits and small pap . So cat like that are gon na keep coming around . Do n’t be a slut , Richard . "
Upon seeing the first Pied Piper logo:“What is that barbarousness ? What are we , an Irish pornography company ? "
After Richard tries to get Erlich off the Pied Piper board:“Do you remember this particular dickbag I got on video ? Because you did [ propose me a table position ] . … You offering me a posture on this instrument panel and reneging it is a perfect case of you having no vision , no ball , and no game . "
To the late Peter Gregory , making a case for Pied Piper ’s innovative tech:“Today ’s drug user wants access to all their filing cabinet , from all of their devices , instantly . That ’s why cloud - establish is the Holy Grail . Now Dropbox is winning . But when it comes to audio and video files , they might as well be called Dripbox . "
When confront a bully half his sizing and age:“Which one was it ? It was Church Candy , was n’t it ? You just convey weewee to a Irish bull fighting , you small cunt … I ’ll curb - stomp that little face so hard that your dentition will go flying , you little dogshit ! "
Trying to intimidate the competition at TechCrunch Disrupt:“I’ll sort of close right here in the center [ of the leg ] with the self-confidence and poise , well , they probably would n’t have seen up until this point . "
HBO/Youtube
Upon learning he wo n’t present Pied Piper in the TechCrunch Disrupt finals:“No , no , no . Richard , Richard , Richard , Richard . Respectfully … respectfully , you ’re terrible . You have a macrocosm - class impresario standing flop in front of you . And you ’re gon na pass on that ? "
When tour a potential Pied Piper agency , which is in the process of being vacated:“Don’t impact anything . Failure is communicable . "
In reference to Gilfoyle ’s girlfriend , Tara:“Can you suppose what kind of shitshow this one ’s gon na be ? He say that she has an Amy Winehouse vibe . What does that have in mind ? All intertwine up and nowhere to go ? "
Also in book of facts to Gilfoyle ’s girl , Tara:“Jesus , where did he get Amy Winehouse from ? I mean , I ’d have sexual activity with that – if you hosed the Gilfoyle off of her . "
Upon erudition of Tara ’s say attraction to Dinesh:“Wait , are you sure that she did n’t ask Gilfoyle for a Danish , and maybe you misheard her ? "
Justifying Tara ’s aver attractor to Dinesh:“I just figured it out – it all makes horse sense . Why Tara might be into you more than me : she ’s attracted to wickedness . call up about it : this is the life she chooses . She ’s attracted to unattractiveness . Look at all these atrocious people . And Gilfoyle , and now you … By no metrical could you perhaps be considered more attractive than me . "
To possible Pied Piper funders , trying to neg them:“It ’s just that painting behind you . It ’s awful , it looks like harlequin Kama Sutra done badly . So , I agree , bad civilization fit . "
" Your logo reckon like a sideways vagina . I find that to be antiblack , do n’t you ? "
" Here ’s my concern : who the hell picked out that shirt for you ? Oh , I see . With the pants , so I guess it ’s a whole thing … You get hitched with poorly . "
HBO/Youtube
" Do you care about Pied Piper ? Because if you do , I ’m not figure it . In fact , what I remember I ’m seeing is the human combining weight of a flaccid member . "
" No , this is all unseasonable . I am sensing a general want of visual modality . Your muffins smell like shit . So do your melodic theme . One of you is the least - attractive person I ’ve ever seen . I ’m not gon na say who . Should we bequeath , or should you ? "
To no one in particular:“If I have to , I ’m going to keep my fuckingStar BlazersVHS tapes in my room . It does n’t take an IQ-9 to love they should remain alphabetized . "
Helping Richard come up with a cyborg insult after Cyborg Jared play Pied Piper:“Well , cyborg , fuck you , you fucking metallic element - tool piece of shit . "
To potential Christian incubees pitching an animal - centric startup:“I’m gon na stop you right there . You do have it away that Mustela nigripes are illegal in the state of California ? Hmm ? No , well then I suppose you also do n’t cognise that potbelly pigs have been wildly unfashionable since 2005 . own a potbelly fuzz is frowned upon almost as much as being a Christian . "
To Richard , after letting him return to his incubator:“I’ve heard quite a few exciting sales pitch over the last calendar week , but I ’ll be forced to dispense with those chance because of your averageness . You see , Richard , when I receive you into my brooder , I promised to get you quick for the outdoor world . But I failed to do that . I would n’t trust you out there in the existent earth as far as I could project you . And to be good , I could believably befuddle you all the manner across the front yard . "
To Gilfoyle:“You front like a ferret that gave up on himself six months ago . "
embed a deadly seed in Richard ’s point for him to take to Homicide:“There is something you should bonk , though . Aaron Anderson was n’t very well liked in college . In fact , people used to call him ' Double Asshole , ' so watch out out for that guy . "
To Dinesh , regarding his on-line dating fiasco ( also , regretful , Sade):“I do n’t see what the trouble is here . She want to hail over , and she acknowledged that it ’s too soon . You ’ve basically done the human action , which for you is ejaculating in your own pants all over your wooden leg and then apologizing profusely . Just maintain eye impinging , light some odoriferous wax light , and shed on some Sade . The former poppycock , though , before her arrangements catch too baroque . "
HBO/Youtube
Explaining Jian - Yang ’s startup idea to Raviga , with pile of shadowiness in Monica ’s direction:“The same [ location ] technology could also be used to create a tangible - time crew - sourced map of an even worse segment of the universe : smokers . Because rent ’s face up it : no one ’s ever died of secondhand heroin . With our app , substance abuser can locate and thus avoid these ego - soft , self - destructive , negligent monsters . "
Self - explanatory:“I’ve always wanted to go to binding arbitration . Everybody who ’s ever litigate me has settled out of courtyard – puss . "
To Pied Piper ’s midway - aged CEO prospect , Jack Barker:“I’m gon na beat him to death with his own titanium hips . Not just for me , but for Richard . Jack Barker , aka Action Jack . We meet at last . Erlich Bachman . Oh , really , [ a big fan ] of what ? Metamucil ? Polio ? The record player ? A courteous piece of fish ? unintegrated water system fount ? Senior citizen discounts at Perkins family restaurants ? Erectile disfunction ? Because of eat penial artery ? Deviled bollock as an entree ? like Ike ? "
With regard toJared and his living situation:“He ’s in the garage , like a sad cup of tea of potting filth . "
To Jian - Yang , judge to explain America ’s DoJ system:“Of course he ’s going to go to motor lodge , you four - eyed dirt . "
On the company he co - owns:"[Pied genus Piper ] was a shitty approximation . I ’m not trusted what it is now . "
Regarding Dinesh ’s new dainty - yourself purchase:“That chemical chain is mad . And not in the tissue layer . "
To Pied Piper ’s attorney after learning he wo n’t be able to testify:“You have a Barrett 50 - caliber rifle at your disposal that you’re able to use to tear Gavin Belson in the goddamn face , and you ’re not gon na apply it ? What kind of fucking lawyer are you ? "
To Pied Piper ’s attorney after testifying:“It appears we ’re in good hands , because you do n’t seem to get it on shit . You ’re a mean and terrible attorney . "
HBO/Youtube
To Pied Piper ’s attorney during one of the Hooli trial ’s darker hours:“Goddammit , Richard . In addition to stealing two of my four packs of Fage yogurt , your ship - jumping coder pussy happened to take the air off with the relaxation of our lavatory paper , so that – hmm . Speaking of shit that ca n’t be wipe away and flushed , how are you , Mr. ' Mohanahan ' ? "
Another one:“I sha n’t be attending out of contempt , so this will have to service as our goodbye . Do n’t let the door strike ya where God rive ya . "
To the real land agent he in short wanted to sell his house to:“Madam , you do not call a man a muggins on the fanlight of his own family . A home that happens to be the world military headquarters of a party sustain streaming video of a humankind who ’s about to drink his own urine online for X of thousands of Filipinos . Does that sound like foolishness to you ? So you could tell your clients , respectfully , that they can go bang themselves . "
To Donald , after strapping on his coding braces to keep the condor feed:“Jared , respectfully , shut out the piece of ass up . I ’m working . "
After Richard slammed the Aviato car into a robotic Bambi:“Fucking Stanford Robotics . hump your Bam - bot ! You little Stanford cunts fucked up my radiator grille … This one ’s for your mama . "
concatenation Orcus No . 2:“It ’s a pity , Bell Biv Dinesh , but regrettably … that chain is poison . "
obviously testing out hisLouis C.K. references:“Big Head is more useless than a bag of dicks without a handle . "
What he think Richard looks like in a suit:“Ventriloquist dummy . "
To Big Head , after Raviga necessitate to interview him for a CEO position:“Big Head , you could insult me all you need by involving your self - line shylocks , but to diss Richard and humiliate him , that ’s like kick a child who ’s done nothing to deserve it . I may not be able to end my ramen . "
Erlich and Pied Piper’s defense attorney square off|HBO
To C.J. Cantwell , snarky Code / Rag writer:“Going to clink for protect your source would make you some form of First Amendment hero . That ’s pretty much the in effect matter that can happen to a journalist . I know it is an inconsequential diddley job . It does n’t really bestow to culture in any way whatsoever . We ’ve show that you do n’t have any journalistic integrity , but what would it cost to buy you some ? "
About himself , in his Code / Rag say - all article:“My head is so far up my own screwing I can see the hereafter . "
To Richard , in response to a question about Pied Piper ’s video schmoose numbers:“You want a numeral ? The per centum I give a fuck about you – zero – is trending steady . "
To Monica , after learning she vote to demote Richard to CTO:“At least the actual Judas had the good manners to wipe out himself after betraying his leader , Jesus Christ . He ’s the CEO of the cosmos . Ever heard of him ? "
To Jian - Yang , convince him to make the SeeFood app:“You’re gon na walk off from $ 200,000 ? You know who walks away from that sort of money , Jian - Yang ? Richard , a crazy person . He walked aside from $ 10 million . Now look at him : wet trouser , steal towels , babbling about technical issues that he ca n’t solve . Is this how you want to stop up ? "
To Jian - Yang , after realizing that the SeeFood app only recognizes hotdogs:“Jian - Yang , motherfuck . I give you the ability to spin gold . alternatively , you ’ve spin pubic hair with shit in it , and gravel and corn … "
To Big Head ’s college division , after learning they stole his SeeFood idea:“I’ve read a numeral of belittle articles about your contemporaries inThe Atlanticand Slate.com summary . It ’s all true . gun trigger warning : Fuck you ! "
After Keenan Feldspar require what Erlich was doing at his table:“I do n’t know who you suppose you are , but valet are n’t suppose to grow tits . And yet , there they are , atop your little paunch . "
judge to prove to the gang that he likes basketball:“I’ll concede that spending all my time inside a menage with you scrawny code jockeys – the Incredible Shrinking Hendricks and whatever the fuck Jared is here – may have blunt my conventional maleness a hair , but it ’s always been there . "
To Richard , excuse why he ’s an jealous crone:“Keenan was born with a golden shoe up his ass , while you sit here toiling away in an icebox you call your rest home office , cursed with the Midas skin senses of shit . "
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