Though it ’s far from the days of being a well - kept secret , Portland is still a wondrous place to live . The beer scene is unmatched , it ’s a greatplace to be single , and our summer are an unparalleled dreamworld fill withfestivals , floats , and concert . But your estimate of the phantasy life you ’ll have here is a little off . For a city that prides itself on a relaxed , purportedly stress - free lifestyle , fine-tune from anewly arrived drifterto a work person with a job and a home ( an “ grownup , " if you will ) is a long , arduous unconscious process . Allow us to explain the seven stages of living in Portland before you point your Subaru westward in search of light-green pastures .
Stage one: The “I visited Portland once and loved it so much I’m moving here now!” phase
Where you ’re hold out : A third - tier up metropolis in the Midwest that just opened its first brewery ; a townspeople in inland California that no one cares aboutWhere you ’re going out : That weird corner of Downtown masses refer to as the " hipster neighborhood " because it has a dive bar , a umber shop , and a situation that has a few used phonograph recording and trucker hats for saleYour mantra : Random mutter line from thePortlandiatheme songGo - to bodily function : Lurking at the said bar or coffee workshop and distinguish anyone who will listen about how uh - mazing your trip to Portland was . Want to see mental picture from my trip on Instagram ? hold off , where are you going ? !
congratulation : you ’ve become the newest local " Screw this – I ’m moving to Portland ! " individual . You ’ll spend the months ( OK , the year ) head up to your passing working weird jobs and dwell with your parents to save up John Cash for the big move . Between that and your endless evangelizing of the " West Coast lifestyle " you thought was unachievable until you claver Portland a few week ago , your Friend have pass on up on socializing with you . It does n’t matter , though . You ’ll make a short ton of new one upon your reaching in Portland , or " PDX , " which is what the topical anaesthetic call it . ( No one promise it that . )
Stage two: The “I love Portland!” phase
Where you ’re survive : An endless chain of month - tenacious sublets throughout the Inner EastsideWhere you ’re go out : Between Division , NE 28th , Belmont , and the occasional slog up to Alberta , there ’s no deficit of highly crawlable prevention territorial dominion within a inadequate bicycle drive of your house … unless it ’s a Sunday night , in which case a Sunday Session at Rontoms is the premiere event for rubbing elbows with fellow transplants and what ’s leave of the neighborhood ’s klatch of OG indie rocker . Your mantra:“YOLO , " with no hint of irony whatsoever , because your life isthatmagical . Go - to activity : Ditching plans to retrieve a problem and a lasting residence in favor of boozy cycle drive and day trips to Mount Hood and Sauvie Island .
felicitation ! You ’ve completed the Oregon Trail , and have the bumper toughie to prove it ! Your dreams of living in a regal bungalow in a bikable neighborhood have finally arrive true . You ’ve befriend the barista at the coffee tree shop you walk to at the crack of noon every Clarence Shepard Day Jr. ; the bartender at the voguish smear with the Ne " BAR " planetary house remembers your drink order ( whatever ’s on tap from Double Mountain or Ninkasi ) ; and you ’ve staked out a handful of brunch musca volitans that do n’t have oppressively long lines . The genus Halcyon days of Portland Summer are limited – why fritter them away creating a tenable futurity for yourself by face for a line and a material piazza to live when you ’re having so much playfulness and lay down so many new protagonist RIGHT NOW ?
Stage three: The reality phase
Where you ’re living : In a basement somewhere in NE that you ’re tell is " Alberta - ish , " but is actually CullyWhere you ’re going out : sore Hanna , Spare Room ; anywhere with cheap happy - hour foodYour mantra:“Are you hiring?“Go - to activity : Bouncing from one awful food for thought divine service job to the next ; scouring the " innocent " department of Craigslist for article of furniture that is n’t get over in MRSA
After spending a few months flying high up on IPA , effectual weed , and # campvibes from your nerveless new Poler duds , you come to the deplorable realization that what goes up must come down . All those Clarence Day of getting tan by the river and slacklining at Colonel Summers alternatively of working have left you insipid broke , so you log on to Poached and take the first soul - crushing dishwashing gig at a democratic brunch maculation that ’s run by a tyrannical wannabe rockstar chef with a cocain job you’re able to find .
You leap at the chance to know with a couple of the course cooks when a room in their crumbling flophouse spread out up , but things get weird after you rage - quit midway through yet another hair-raising Sunday morning time switch . All is forgive when you terminate up finding one of them a slightly respectable gig at your next shitty - yet - well - paying eatery chore , which becomes a vortex you realize 90 % of your friends and acquaintances are always stuck in . This is not the Portland modus vivendi you were betray on , but you win over yourself ( for what ’s likely to be the first of a million meter ) that it ’s still better than living back in Nowheresville .
Jordan Siemens/The Image Bank/Getty Images
Stage four: The vigilant local phase
Where you ’re endure : North PortlandWhere you ’re survive out : Maui ’s , George ’s , the AlibiYour mantra:“Keep Portland livable ! barricade the wipeout of Portland homes!“Go - to activity : Posting depressing articles about gentrification and the lack of renters ’ rights in Portland on social media ; complaining about development
After a string of occupational misfires andshaky living accommodations situations , you finally square up into a hefty job and a house that ’s as clear and low-priced as a hovel for service industry vagrant can perchance be . You grease one’s palms yourself a nice bed and some framed photographic print to attend on your wall because you naively acquire you ’ll live there forever . The influx of transplants has made Portland a nightmare for tenant , however , and your world is turn upside down when the landlord decide to evict everyone and sell the dimension .
You move into a less worthy place that ’s somehow more expensive AND farther north up Interstate , but the current tenants insure you the landlord is chill and has no intention of selling the place . Three months later your stuff is in boxes again when he sell the place to a overnice retired pair from Berkeley so he can fund a dubious startup venture that requires pricey office space in the Pearl to get off the dry land .
Sunday Session at Rontoms|Flickr/tomstar3000
You take to Facebook and Twitter to storm against the supplanting of your neck of the woods ’s longtime tenants even though most of them groan loud every sentence you and your roomy haveGame of Thronesviewing party on your porch . You scan Zillow day by day in hopes that your house is n’t list and decide it ’s best not to unpack any of your holding because you do n’t want to jinx it .
Stage five: The everything sucks phase
Where you ’re hold out : St. JohnsWhere you ’re going out : Slim ’s , Plew ’s Brews ; an miscellanea of nameless dive saloon and Chinese joint on Lombard that have popular television drawing roomsYour mantra:“Please do n’t move here!“Go - to body process : Day drinking ; yelling at bicycler ; telling the aloof middle - aged blanched people in Keen sandal and Patagonia - everything who you keep getting stick behind in business line at the New Seasons that just opened down the street to move back to California
With your glory days behind you – those of riding bikes and going to shows with an endless procession of unexampled friends you ’ll never see again in the trendier function of Portland you ’ve been price out of – you grow despondent and give in to the unpretentious allure of Portland ’s final frontier : St. Johns . The laid-back Anytown , America vibration and the lack of gutter punks starts to grow on you , and within a month you discerp all ties with everyone who lives east of Peninsular . You sharply flame anyone who posts anything related to how cute and quaint Portland is on societal medium .
Stage six: The cohabitation phase
Where you ’re survive : The Alphabet DistrictWhere you ’re going out : You’re not , unless you ’re able-bodied to trick someone into meeting you at Tony ’s or Joe ’s CellarYour mantra : Leave me aloneGo - to activity : Endlessly explore for a parking spot ; fantasise about buy real estate of the realm in Astoria , Boise , Missoula , or wherever else the " next Portland " is
You and the sassy barman from the last tapas saloon you were fired from find yourselves staring down split growth / dispossession notice at the same time , so you adjudicate to get serious and move in together after three month of semi - regular conjugal visit . You ’ve vowed to avoid the west side since the sidereal day you moved here , but you ’re shocked and disappointed to ascertain it ’s now tatty to divvy up a one - bedroom in the Alphabet District than it is in a more worthy part of the east side . The two of you wonder what the Scheol just happened when you realise you ’ve talked yourselves into paying $ 1,200 a calendar month for a cramp flat with ratty rug and the endless clatter of transients loaf in front of the McDonald ’s just outside your window . You never knew it was potential to detest Timbers fans more than you do now .
Stage seven: The adulting phase
Where you ’re living : You tell multitude it ’s Montavilla even though it ’s too far east of 205 to qualify ; no one calls you out or knows the differenceWhere you ’re blend in out : Various slip clubs , but only because they " have a great happy hour"Your mantra : It ’s notthatfarGo - to activeness : raise friends to join you on the dark side of 82nd with the promise of it being cool if EVERYONE moves there at once
Things were going smoothly with the barman until they catch it stuck in their straits that the $ 1,200 / calendar month the two of you were separate to be miserable in NW Portland could go towards owning something in a place like Boise or Astoria . A even at your new fizgig treat you with horror stories of what happened to the last person who endeavor to get in on the ground floor of Idaho real estate , so you bail at the last minute and see it ’s finally time to strike out on your own .
A supporter score you a temporary worker line of work in an office that ’s salaried , although it barely bear what you were making at your last bartending gig . The upside is that your income is finally verifiable enough to land you a place by yourself , although you ’re still too pathetic to ever move back to the part of Portland you once admired . You chance yourself a nice two - bedchamber behind one of those eldritch bargain - here / pay - here car dealerships on the east side and immediately find yourself on a first - name basis with the clerk at the pot likker store across the street . Save for the occasional Subaru shift - in and suspicious " crunch " under your human foot on the way to the Plaid Pantry for your casual breakfast burrito , it ’s still the Portland you cognise and love . And it ’s definitely still good than going back to where you come from .
Karaoke at the Alibi|Flickr/Richard
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Flickr/Sarah Mirk
Mary’s Club|Flickr/Todd Mecklem
