Welcome , friends , to the bitter ( oh golly is it vitriolic ) end of the smutty election time of year of our lifetimes . Not since Andrew Jackson publically blamed John Quincy Adams for the death of his wife in the election of 1828 have we seen this kind of vituperation and hyperbole thrown around . So at this power point , I ’m passably convinced when I conclude that the entire electorate could use a drink . Luckily , having a drink is the right thing you’re able to do for the rural area right now . gravely .

Our cast of administration is like Humpty Dumpty . Call it Humpty Democracy .

Dude is fragile . Still , he like to sit on walls . Scratch that , he must sit on wall . It ’s in his contract . If he does n’t sit on walls , no one can see him . And if no one can see him , no one ’s going to think this highly fracturable freak even live . He ’s a symbolic representation of eternal spiritual rebirth , and people need to experience him first hand to be intimate he ’s real . And his integral delicacy is a monitor that it ’s the line of everyone around him to ensure he survives .

Only one party matters in this election: the cocktail party

Mark Yocca

But hot damn my piece is fragile . Not to mention clumsy .

And it ’s precarious up on that wall . There ’s a crowd of crumbly spot and place where special interest have put up billboard , and the spot ’s always in your eyes . So he fall down . A lot . And his casing gets cracked . And the King ’s horse cavalry come seek to fix him and they are TERRIBLE at repairing eggs . ( Not really sure why we mean horses would help , but bless their hearts , they essay . ) But even when the King ’s men judge to crack ( no offence , Humpty )   the problem , with their hand and digit and power to use dick , even they could n’t pay off this cat .

But us ? We ’re no King ’s cavalry . Neither are we King ’s men or women . In fact , 240 years ago we tell apart the whole idea of kings to go pound sand and reinvented the very estimation of what a country was . What it was to govern and be governed . What it was to lead .

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And in the intervening time , a mint of idiot have run for Chief Executive .

And a bunch of arse have run for president .

And some of them even got elected .

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And when we elected idiot and prick it made a lot of people upset . So upset that sometimes they wanted to rive the whole thing down or gas the whole affair up , or even take up arms against their own countrymen . They were contentious times , and sometimes they seemed unendurable and sometimes it feel like Humpty was n’t run to make it . Yet we endured them . And so did he . incredibly enough , these incident ended well . We fixed Humpty Democracy . Every . Single . Time . And I have a possibility about why .

citizenry talk to strangers .

Now I understand that lately , what with the Big Sort   and the diminishment of third places   and parents drill the concept of stranger danger   into their kids ’ heads , the idea of talking to strangers has come down a bit out of style . It ’s not heavy to see the grounds all across the country ( or all across your Facebook feed ) . A distressing amount of mass are maneuver on reciprocally single sets of facts , shouting past each other or else of mind — working hard to miss each others ’ points .

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We need to get right with one another . And the prosperous ( and most fun ) stead to do that is in a bar .

I ’m not sample to be clever or funny ( ok , yes I am , but not about this ) . Bars are one of the last and best opportunity we have to talk to strangers . Heck , it ’s well-to-do . You ’re push together with the great unwashed by probability , a drink or two eases social anxieties and loosen the natural language . Suddenly you ’re talking to the guy next to you with the Motorhead tattoo across his forehead , who introduces you to Phil , who ’s a controller for a calorie-free incandescent lamp factory . These the great unwashed have radically different perspective from yours . But it turns out different perspectives is the whole point of bars . And the whole degree of the United States . The founding Church Father went in the lead and put that one up front when they were hand out amendments . They founded this country on a central , seemingly self-contradictory truth : Our difference are our biggest strength .

Taverns are one of the few seat you could come upon up conversation with strangers without seeming like a nutball . People might not appreciate it when you talk to them on public transportation or in the convenience , but everyone ’s equal at the bar .

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So while you may not have enough money to purchase a pocket congressman , you may not live on in a golf shot state , heck , you may not even be the psyche of the FBI , but you’re able to go to the barroom . And that entail you’re able to recreate a vital role in the future of this body politic . you could make a raw friend . One who think otherwise than you do . And you’re able to babble about it . All of it . And keep talking until it all makes sense — or at least until last call , even if we know the latter is in all probability going to come first .

If you ’re looking for something to drink or something to spill the beans about , Supercall put out a whole bunch of political story over the last six months , admit cocktail forHillaryandBernie , along with a crapulence game written byDonald Trump himself . We create a crapulence game that maps to your internal anxiousness whilewatching the debates . We bring you drinks to help youstay awakeduring the Veep debate . We take you to thesecret Trump - themed barin Washington DC , as well as theBad Hombrepop - up in New York , the second orgasm of theTrumptiniin Miami , and , naturally , toChili ’s .

There wereSpiked Arnold Palmersat the Republican National Convention in Cleveland . Liquor impostersyou can drink while listening to Melania ’s borrowed speech . We speculatedwhat Hunter Thompson would have thoughtof the Cleveland RNC . We sentDan Dunnto the Democratic National Convention for notone , nottwo , but three days , the third of which he spenddrinking Bourbon dynasty with an dependable - to - good Bernie Sanders delegate . Chris Plehaldrank with Cheeseheads(and Alexander Hamilton ) at the DNC too . And the Democrats call a local gin theofficial draught of their convention .

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If you ’re boozing through the results at base on Tuesday , we ’ve gotred , blue and regal cocktailsfor the two color you ’ll see on the map and the people of color all nation secretly are . Or if that ’s too much controversy , you could just drinkred , white and drab cocktails . Because AMERICA .

And if anxiousness set out to overpower you , if the numbers start die the improper direction , if your Facebook feed catches on fire and explodes , it ’s ok . We ’ve get you cover . Just turn off your gadget , mix yourself a stiff drink , grab some markers and get crack up on apresidential cocktails coloring book .

Humpty Democracy might fall down . He might even crack his scale again , the big klutz . But he ’s going to pull through like he always does . And he ’s going to do that for one ground . Because we ’re all going to cipher out how to be friend again . So get out there and frame your vote . Then receive yourself a barstool and a Modern Quaker and start figuring it all out .

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