This is the week , people . The week where everyone tells Ben they have it off him . The hebdomad that Ben tells two - thirds of those everyones that he loves THEM . The week that three young lady file , one by one ( presumptively ) , into a little thing called the Fantasy Bang Suite , they cut the tv camera off , and Ben shows them how an uninterestingly handsome high schoolhouse quarterback from Indiana who consider himself to be unlovable DOES thing .
permit ’s get right down to the date that Sallah fromRaiders of the Lost Arkwould certainly refer to as “ bad date ” , and are probable also capable of belt down monkey .
The Caila FBS Date
“ You look incredible ! ” That ’s Ben ’s opening night cable . Ofcourseit ’s Ben ’s possible action channel . Ben ’s only slightly hide existence as a dangerously surface - level valuer of fair sex has been well - document in these recapitulation , and will be documented even weller right now . Of course all citizenry enjoy being told they count incredible ; that in itself is not a bad thing . But never once has Ben greeted one of these women with , “ My honeyed muse , how I ’ve overleap your exercise of Chaucer , ” or a simpleton , “ How abundant is my desire to hear your educated position on the ongoing crisis in Syria , ” or even , “ coolheaded pants . ” Never once . Just : “ you attend red-hot , sheeeeeeeeeet , grrrrrl . ”
Despite that , this date starts out really well ! Well for the Jamaican guy cable driving the eldritch boat made of bamboo , who prefers silence , so he can more profoundly ponder the mysteries of this earth . Because while on the sauceboat , Ben and Caila do n’t talk , at all . The producers ca n’t even stitch together 45 seconds of them commenting on how watery the water is here in Jamaica . Let ’s recap this part of the date in greater particular :
[ rowing ]
ABC.com
And there it is ! tight onward to the night engagement !
Alright , we ’ve got a huge problem already : they ’re at Sandals , and Ben is wear out near - toed shoe . At SANDALS . Save those thing for when you ’re visiting the exotic New England holiday resort paradise Loafers , Ben . But guess what : utter is happening again . Caila runs down how she feels weird because the other two girls are fall down for Ben too , and talks about how in every other family relationship she ’s had , she ’s had doubts , and it ’s felt wrong … but this just feel right-hand ! More significantly , part of her – in all probability her back talk – has wanted to tell Ben something for a tenacious fourth dimension . And that something is unsurprising , since the preview already told us . She loves him . HEY GUESS WHAT GUYS CAILA LOVES BEN ! !
How does she know she have intercourse him so ? She feels it when he looks in her eye , because oculus contact is a convinced sign of passion . The majority of masses who have reckon each other directly in the eyes are in love with each other . This does not apply to asterisk contests , of course ; those people are inure competitors , and hate each other viscerally . But for everyone else : sodding lovemaking . Visibly unsure of how to respond , Ben says nothing and reverts to his guard zone : making out .
The Fantasy Bang Suite Card comes out , Caila says yes without even pretending to hesitate , and they go in . Before you know it , he ’s set out her stripped down to a bikini , then the light go out and the sunglasses go down as fireworks that quite bluffly represent intimate coitus explode in the background . There is zero question that they did the ol’ Horizontal Electric Slide all dark long .
Oh , to be the first girl to the FBS . It really seems almost easy . There ’s very small to consider about , except for stuff like “ what will my parents think of me doing sex with man on national tv set ? ” and “ does Chris Harrison make you use rubber ? ” The best part is , you do it with pretty firm certainty that the guy rope has n’t enlist in the Semi - erect Macarena with anyone else in nine week , so you just go for it . Your mind is blessedly clear . The other female child have to imbibe enough scant Jamaican lager to leave that Ben ’s done the Prostrate Carlton Dance with at least one and possibly two unlike adult female not diagnose them within the last 48 hours . That suppose , her parents still fundamentally saw her have sex on internal television .
The Lauren B FBS Date
On this date , Ben will flow his ever - growing God Complex in a new style : release thousand of endearing child ocean turtles that were dead supposed to contact their immediate demise at the pincer of crabs , and send them into the ocean , thereby disrupting the will of the genuine god who create a finely balanced ecosystem . They drudge the turtles out of the sand with a kindly nature - thwarting valet de chambre and wash all the sand off them . Then they put them BACK ON THE SAND , where they get extremely sandy all over again , before going into the sea to expend the next century posing for photos for theNatGeoInstagram story .
After stand under a double rainbow that might indeed be a triple rainbow , and going to a reggae concert where they look a touch out of place , it ’s clip for Love Admission Dinner . The FBS scorecard do out , Lauren B bear at once , and imagine what : there ’s been something she ’s been mean to tell him ! What could this be ? ? Oh , she is entirely in love with him . Which , again , we already were clued into . “ I ’ve have sex I ’m in erotic love with you for a while as well , ” Ben say her . Lauren B did not expect this ! She is overjoyed ! ! She smiles , they make out , and our two fresh coin love - turtles spend alllllll Nox saying how much they love each other , and possibly also doing the Recumbent Chicken Dance .
straightaway side note : as acknowledge last episode , Ben has a giant tattoo with Word about god on his oblique . give-and-take about the very god he just wreak by allowing adorable midget turtleneck to survive , instead of being eaten by pediculosis pubis on a beach . Is n’t anyone thinking about the crab here ? What the hell happens to the crabs when they ca n’t feed delicious baby polo-neck ? ? They conk , probably . We hold out in such a blindly turtle - focalize public I ca n’t even think it sometimes . Sickening .
The JoJo FBS Date
permit ’s do another ! JoJo meet Ben , and secern him that she care there were more intelligence than “ happy ” to describe how great she feel around him . She ’s veracious . It ’s really too spoilt that words like blessed , blest , blissful , blithe , ca n’t quetch , captivated , cheerful , chipper , perky , content , contented , good-time , delighted , ecstatic , joyful , exultant , flee eminent , gay , glad , gleeful , gratified , intoxicated , jolly , jubilant , joyous , exultant , laughing , light , lively , await good , brisk , mirthful , on cloud nine , overjoyed , peaceful , spirited , perky , playful , pleasant , proud of , sparkling , sunny , thrilled , vibrate , tickle pink , up , upbeat , or walk on air do n’t live . This show would be a set more interesting if they did . One day !
The two head over to a falls , which JoJo should NOT go track , as it ’s open that the river and lake to which she is customary are what she should adhere to . Even knowing this , she chases anyway . JoJo tells Ben that it ’s so heavy to say “ I love you ” because she ’s scared . Although everything that she ’s said makes her sense like she does make out him . Except “ I love you , ” of class . She ’s really put off her way into this one . But then : “ I DO be intimate you ! It ’s eldritch that i just said that because i ’ve been so terrified about enounce that . ” Well that ’s just what you have to say at this breaker point of the show , but what does it count , because Ben is already insanely in love with Lauren B , so … ” JoJo , I LOVE YOU TOO . ”
This just is n’t something you do , if you are a normal person who has a affair the Russians – even the Russians ! – call empathy .
JoJo is flummoxed . She did not expect this answer . Not because she is secluded to the fact that Ben told Lauren B the exact same thing 24 time of day sooner , during which time many hapless , athirst crabs have starve to dying . But because she recognise that Ben is perfectly not allowed to say those words to girls until he has proven said beloved by giving them a Neil Lane gang he did n’t devote for .
And yet he has , twice . There ’s a peck to take out here . First off , we already know he ’s exclude from pronounce this material , and is just doing it anyway . What a brigand . Deviating from the Chris Harrison Process to Finding Love will almost sure enough result in the kind of Bachelor Karma that nobody wants , and almost always ends up with you living in the same junior - one - sleeping accommodation apartment as Vienna . second , most men who are in love life with a womanhood do not tell another fair sex that they are in love with them , too , concisely after . There are a few possibilities for why this is all last on : 1 ) Ben has a uncommon disease that causes him to forget all the sentence he ’s ever said “ I love you ” to someone . 2 ) Lauren B ’s reaction when she was certain he was n’t work to say it , but then he did say it , was so intensely hearty to Ben ’s meanspirited women - control serotonin distribution system of rules that he just had to do it another prison term , because he know he ’ll never feel such power again . 3 ) Ben is a horrible person who likes to fuck with adult female on marvellous stages because of , again , power .
Even if you really , really like both the ladies , this just is n’t something you do , if you are a normal person who has a thing the Russians – even the Russians ! – call empathy . Both girls must now be convinced that they ’re the one - and - only anointed success , which is a really overnice fashion to feel right up until the point where one of them find out that no , he actually told the other girl the same thing AND MEANT IT , and then gets sent home ringless in a Jamaican dinghy .
But then there ’s the other - other girl ! The one who won , and of form presumes she got the lonely love profession from Ben , and then has to watch this episode in the midst of being physically separated from him by ABC for between four and six months while the show gets produced and then airs . How the hell do you explain this all to her ? And really , why say anything at all ? ? The girl know you ’re not hypothesise to ! And wo n’t leave if you do n’t . It ’s the gentle and good room to do this , and really , the only classy , smart manner in which to do what The Show want .
To wrap up this all up : Ben and JoJo go to the Fantasy Bang Suite to do the Supine Walk Like an Egyptian , and passion might at last be dead .
But then something else crazy happens
Man , this Ben can guy sit on deck article of furniture and pretend to think . decent up until the part where Caila lift up on him to see if he ’ll recount her he loves her , too ! Then thing immediately go horribly . Ben intelligibly had no melodic theme she was arrive , which is the best move by the producer in weeks . He smiles all big , then gives her a clinch and , once his head is out of heap to her , gives the variety of look you give when you ’re hug someone you detest and you know they ca n’t see your face . It ’s a mixture of reverence , aggravation , bewilderment , and look like you guess they reek funny .
Ben does n’t hump how to allot with this , clearly . He ’s exposed , and buy the farm sombrely on and on about what a great and crazy experience this all has been , but also that he realize … that he ’s in love with two women here . And that he just could n’t say it back to Caila , too . He did n’t know why he could n’t , other than the fact that everyone knows being in love with three woman you ’ve spent a total of six hours with is even more inconceivable than being in sexual love with two . “ It ’s really hard to envisage saying good day to you . ” “ That sounds like a line , ” she enkindle back . It is ! It ’s a line fromAirplane 2 : The Sequel , which the producer feeding Ben his lines have clearly been watching a lot .
Here ’s where Caila ball up it . Let ’s count her blunder . She ’s rightly upset , and allege she ’s hold out to just go properly now , which would be a stiff move ! But then she allows Ben to walk her out ( Blunder 1 ) . Out by the car , as Ben stares off like the psychopath this show has model him into over just nine short weeks , she for some grounds feels the need to tell him “ I really did love you ” ( Blunder 2 ) . She throws herself into the car , and is quick to drive off and get a dependable cry in , but then she hops out and says that she might as well take vantage of this time and get any answers she can . This has SO much potential difference to be fantastic for her and smited fair sex everywhere . Give him the business !
She asks , in the most frail Bachelor - friendly term , if he have it away she was break home , and did the Parallel Cotton - Eye Joe with her anyway . Ben tells her that all three woman share the same feelings as him – bet AT ME I’M BEN ALL THESE BRAINWASHED WOMEN BE IN LOVE WITH ME I’M SO HOT ! ! ! – and that he could n’t throw back , on telling the other two the same . Caila seems oddly ok with this ( Blunder 3 ) . And instead of just getting back in the machine , she tells him that she will miss him ( Blunder 4 ) and turns back to hug him one more time ( Blunder 5 ) . Oh mankind , what a missed chance . This could ’ve gone so otherwise . Caila had the right intention , which were becoming the feminist icon this show demand by savaging Ben and abide up for every womanhood who ’s done the Languid Whip My Hair Back and Forth with a Bachelor , then got thin out the next day . But The Show ’s indomitable grip on her psyche re - asserted itself , her resolution fizzle , and she became yet another cowering , slavish victim . RIP girl power .
Ben fake-cries for a while while Caila real-cries
He ’s really spoilt at it .
The Rose Ceremony they still do, because order-supporting procedures must be followed
Chris Harrison is here to look surprised when the girls both tell him that Ben toldthemhe loves them . And son does he do a great line . possibly he knew already , possibly he did n’t , but the flavor of “ but … but … those AREN’T MY rule ” are grand and priceless . Ben tell JoJo and Lauren B that Caila is not indeed showing up , and they do the roses . Is there any symbolization to JoJo getting the first one ? With zero grounds in front of me I ’m gon na say yes . perchance because by this stage , Ben has forgotten thatJoJo wore a mammoth rubber unicorn maskwhen she got out of the limo on the first night .
Ben reach them do the most awkward group squeeze in history , including the one I was force to do by a swarm of 35 Burning Man People at a party in San Francisco one metre . In the confessional interview following , both JoJo and Lauren B seem to have an glimmering that Ben is also in love with the other one , too . I have no idea how they ’re onto him here , but they just might be , which , if this all goes well , could lead to tough interrogative and Ben ’s ultimate demise next week . Oh , to see him falter , to see this all disintegrate , to see him ask for Chris Harrison ’s headphone so he can call Olivia when the other two leave , and advise over FaceTime .
Next week!
It ’s the Women Tell Some episode ! Normally these thing are just the lady friend screaming at each other , which is certainly fun , and will find with Olivia at least . But this metre there should be a mountain more love - related pyrotechnic , too . I ’m fairly sure they switch this episode in now to give Neil Lane two additional weeks to polish his head , which is totally fair .
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