Dear reader : I love you . Every single one of you . I am also IN dearest with you , and will propose to all of you , on the shoreline of a Jamaican beach , at your soonest convenience .
Ben is not in such a rosy position . In case you do n’t remember from two week ago , he ’s now told two different woman that he ’s in love with them . In case you do n’t remember the law in lieu where mass other than Jef with one F lives , men are only allow to tie one charwoman , even if they hump two . primarily because Neil Lane can only front one ring for devoid .
I ’ll place it right out there : I ’m pro - JoJo here . I guess you could call me Pro - Jo . You should n’t , but you certainly could . JoJo has spunk , and fire , and has arrest upset about thing that were totally reasonable to get confused about , and has ( softly , but still ) shout Ben on his shit even though that surely endanger her standing , and seems like she might be pretty decent at the democratic board game peril . She ’s about as real and textured as people get on this show .
ABC
Lauren B , meanwhile , just rather stands there , and smile pretty effectively , but otherwise seems like she ’s flight - attendant - ing her eighth consecutive round - tripper in three day , but is restrain things very professional because she want to be capable to take flight to Oslo for crazy cheap one Clarence Shepard Day Jr. . She ’s not high-risk , she ’s just … not exceptional in any way . She ’s like the human equivalent weight of Totino ’s Pizza Rolls : everyone baffle all excited about them even though they ’re gon na burn up the horseshit out of their mouths , but they ’re not real pizza . Or even existent rolls ! And the next 24-hour interval , you question why you proposed wedding to them .
It also weirds me out that she ’s from Portland but is extremely normal . That one is as red as fleur-de-lis get . I get the feeling her parents do n’t exactly run an artisanal cosplay broadsword stall in the park .
Lauren B Meets the Parents
I do n’t have the historical analytic thinking on whether most winners meet the Bachelor ’s parent first or 2nd , but Lauren B ’s gon na break ‘em in . Ben ’s mom seems disturbed when he swears he ’s in love with two women . She is a regular person .
When Mom asks for a rundown of the two , the first phrase out of Ben ’s mouth to explain Lauren B is , of path , " She ’s gorgeous . " It ’s easy to pretermit , peculiarly if you have n’t been reading this web log , and because everyone like induce skillful things said about their looks , but Ben has never once said anything about these girls other than how raging they are . Even the ones who were n’t that hot ! He ’s produce literally nothing else .
Lauren B ( still calling her that , yes ) shows up with flower and wine , and we get right down to one - on - one parental query . Dad want to know if she ’s in beloved with Ben ! She is very in love with Ben , she swears . And then she wants to know if Dad guess Ben is quick to get engaged and married . Dad think he is ! Well , suppose what : Lauren B is , too . No reasons why , she just is . Congrats , everyone .
Mom takes over , and asks Lauren B if she ’s seen that side of Ben that can get all acute and work up – the one who take a particular person to deal with . Nope ! She ’s never seen that . Just the side where he does nothing , including eating what was surely a very thoughtfully composed dinner party .
This show is often portrayed as fast - promotion on quadruple speed through a kinship . But the realism is that it ’s more like fast - forwarding through some former hangouts with champion , maybe four total escort - particular date , and that one time he regard you with no physical composition . Oh , and the sex part . The point is , the only bad thing that are ever going to come up imply some other girl cause trouble in the planetary house , or not getting solo date and instead receive to hang out with association football champion Alex Morgan , or perhaps a feral pig pooping on your foot . Not standard - people relationship issues . So of grade Lauren B has n’t had any problems with Ben , or seen what he ’s really really like … why would she have ?
Whatever : she ’s " fully quick " to get engaged , which I hypothesize making out on a yacht two separate times without getting in a screaming equal will do to you .
ABC
And Then JoJo Meets the Parents
Ben get down off red-hot by giving JoJo seriously heady billing as " someone I want … around , " then tells his parent that the two of them did n’t manage to see the Hoover Dam from the helicopter while in Vegas because he was too busy doing a fly sheet - by of JoJo ’s Hooters ( Casino and Hotel ) . Then she tells everyone that Ben is her best friend , and I just feel outright bad for her . Best Quaker ? I ’ll bet Ben does n’t even screw what JoJo ’s newbie twelvemonth college roommate was key ( OjOj ) or what her favorite Nic Cage movie is ( Bad Lieutenant : Port of Call New Orleans , like most sane hoi polloi ) or how she take her coffee ( straight from the hired man of the barista , when he call her name ) .
JoJo let her Mom Time in , and does way , right smart better than Lauren B , mainly via validations of intent - purity . She really aces both parent , then moves on to the big problem : Ben . As they sit down out of doors on a terrace , she asks him : are you quick for a proposal ? Ben tense up up like he was check under the bed for monsters , and last clip there were monster . " Ahhhh , you know that I love you ! And I ’m in lovemaking with you . And that we ’re on the same pageboy . " And then directly to the make - out . The parents portion went quite well – and they corroborate that to Ben , basically saying that she ’s better than Lauren B because she actually has thoughts about Ben other than " He ’s six foot four and has a decently nice jawline . " But the parents do not choose who you get fake - in use to on this show ! Wait , that just gave me a with child idea for another show …
The Final Lauren B Date
Of all the date Ben ’s been atrocious on , this one was his most terrible - est . Apparently he has n’t slept in twenty-four hours , and it designate . His word are seldom good one , but now they ’re even worse , and come out in stranger orders than ever . But he tells her she ’s beautiful ! He ’s still good at that . But it does n’t take . The Awkward Cloud descend , and both of their heads are in it for a while . Ben ’s disquieted about their family relationship not being essay – he ’s get over SO MUCH with JoJo .
Lauren B says she ’s frightened but at peace , and that she did n’t overthink things as much as she thought she would , when she was thinking about overthinking . finally he starts rambling again about how she ’s made him a better person , and how she ’s always stood by him , specially when they were stand , nearby each other . They do a tidy sum of hot , sexy nozzle - to - nose action without in reality kissing , and I ’m sick of this date . So is Lauren B – she thinks it might be the last metre Ben ever says he loves her .
The Final JoJo Date
This one goes keen ! They hop into a Jeep , and Ben shows off his crazy personality by driving from the right side of the car alternatively of the left field . WHAT INTERESTING , UNIQUE matter WILL HE DO NEXT ? ! ? They go to a very lovely swim hole , make out under some rocks , and JoJo once again proves herself to be a tangible mortal when she asks : what are we break down to do after this ? Where are we going to hold up ? How ’s all that going to put to work ? Lauren B did not ask these questions . peradventure Lauren B does n’t need a home : her base is the sky ! But she also did n’t think to inquire about , like , what bump next , after they ’re forcibly separated for four months , of course .
Ben evidence up to her elbow room later on , and says , " Hey , beautiful , " not " Hey , impudent " or " Hey , somebody who loves little child and beast and the fine telly programFamily Feud , except when Steve Harvey is the host . " JoJo can tell Ben ’s struggling , and wants to know about his concerns . He does n’t have an reply . He like he did ! But she keep pushing ; she wants a sign . So they go into the john , where the camera could n’t defy go because people do thing like apply toilet bowl cleaner in there , and you ca n’t show that on ABC . JoJo tries to whisper so the mics ca n’t find fault up what they ’re saying , so Ben , dutiful Bachelor drone that he is , starts speaking really clamorously . And that ’s why we get to hear the conversation of the season , maybe the entire show :
" I ’m lose my mind . attend at me , I ’m sitting here on a bathroom floor , with you tonight , and I love you , and I have it off it does n’t experience like it should . What I ’m tell you tonight is exactly where I ’m at . "
ABC
" But you love her , too . Am I right ? "
" Yes . "
" And you said that to her ? "
" How stupid are you , you stunned , unintelligent man ? Could it really be as stupid as you seem at this minute ? Which is quite stupid ? "
OK , those last two rally maybe did n’t pass . But now we ’ve got Ben on disc as a concede double - fan , and JoJo narrate him she loves him as he leaves , and very small of this earn any sense anymore . If someone severalise you that they cognize you were the very best at broil biscuit ever , except there was also another person who was the very dear at baking cookies ever , would you conceive your cookies were any honorable ? Or would you sneak into the other person ’s kitchen and switch the sugar jarful out for salt , just in casing , so their cookies would come out terribly ? I suppose so .
Neil Lane in the House
Or actually , outside of it on the deck , where he asks Ben if the girl he get it on is " vivacious , " then gives Ben a $ 30,000 band for the blue , low price of not ask Neil Lane where he got his tomentum stopper .
JoJo is wearing a white apparel , because that ’s what people do to get married . Lauren B is weary a blue dress , to prove how Portland - weird she is . Whichever coloration we see hopping off the helicopter first is the color of sorrow . And that colour is … WHITE ! JOJO , noooooo ! ! ! This is going to be approximate stuff .
For all of the marvel he provides to this great body politic , Chris Harrison does n’t get enough credit for hold open a steely neat face when he greets the girl who ’s about to have her aorta pulled free . Of course in some ways , if he grant so much as an inch of his unbounded smiling positivity , they ’d know and that would help . But this instalment , and this show as a whole , is in many ways more about the devastation of the loser than it is the extremely impermanent unnumbered happiness of the winner .
The bad part of that , by far , is that they make them give a Love Speech that amounts to THEM declare oneself to the Bachelor . distinctly these girls have drop the last two calendar week writing , in all likelihood not ever editing or re - writing , and definitely rehearse allege Love Speech . Would it make everything easy if JoJo walked across the bridge and onto the Engagement Platform and Ben just gave her a shrug and said lamentable ? Or was hold a rose , then hurled it into a fire ? Of course it would . But if we do n’t have maximal manufacture plethora , confusion , tension , and fiendish realization , what do we have ? Just two mass who scarcely know each other saying they ’re go to get married . And you may see that in Reno any night of the week .
During her whole Love Speech , Ben face contemplate his stomach , which seems as if he ’s been on a rickety ferry in a severe thunderstorm after eating an entire political party - size cannister of Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies . What ? No , that never happened to me when I was 9 , and made me so I still ca n’t even smack Milanos to this day . That ’s nonsensical . Ben tell her she bet unconvincing , of course , and she tells him she trusts him more than anything . It ’s almost like they fed them the lines that will make them the most hurt in three minute .
As she runs down their very abbreviated story , and how much she loves him and how much he ’s deserving all this unhinged shit , Ben is cracking more and more ; he ca n’t even push a smile . I ’m pretty sure she compute it out about halfway through , but had to trudge forward just in case .
And to confirm one more clock time , in his final mo on this show , that he ’s a terrible man , Ben gives the very wrong spoken communication in return . alternatively of letting her down in one fell move , he hurls her expectations about 5000 ft in the air , and then shoots them with a shotgun on the mode back down . He did n’t know if he was locomote to find love life or if this would be real , but with her , it always was real . And he find passion with her ! Oh god so much love , with JoJo . Except … he found it more with someone else .
JoJo is unhinged , terrified , and looks like she brought a matchet . So Ben tells her he sleep together her some more ! And that his intuitive feeling have n’t changed . But , no Neil Lane ring for her . Then he tries to get out of it all by say JoJo wanted him to be honorable , and that ’s what he ’s being . Not this form of honest , dude . Now is the fourth dimension when even the best men in the world should lie their damn face off . Or at least omit the whole love part .
JoJo lets me down here . She could ’ve done so many things , so many harsh , brutal , reactive , strong thing , like secern him and his love to fuck off , or stomping on his toe with her bounder , or scratch a lot of dirt on his suit so Lauren B would never , ever respect him again . But instead she lets Ben give her a enceinte clinch and take the air her to the limousine , and she hops in , to cry and smoke the put up Jamaican joint that probably is n’t even made with very good pot .
Ben trounce out his speech sound , and instead of sending JoJo a clustering of Cupid emojis , calls up Lauren ’s pop , and does the most nonchalant , presumptive hand - request in history . He says yes , and Lauren B get off the whirlybird and come over . Ben ’s all grin this clock time . She commit a far more boring and boilerplate Love Speech than JoJo did , and tells Ben that he ’s her " generally exanimate , pallid representation of a human being " , or something .
Because even the winner has to palpate temporarily terrorise and run through negatively charged emotions , Ben ’s speech builds to saying that this journeying is full of adieu … but that he never wants to say goodbye to her ! Never . She has won . He gets down on one knee , and flashes the Neil Lane branding on the box around for the allotted 10 seconds Neil Lane demands and deserves . Everyone agree to get marry , and Ben feed her the terminal pink wine , then carries her to the pearly , because he has a unassailable athletic human body .
Am I happy about this ? Not in the least . I back my hoi polloi ! But in the conclusion , Ben and Lauren B ( which now stick out for " Ben " ) deserve each other . They can sit around Denver eating quinoa and call in each other hot for the next six month before deciding that , you know what , it seems like we ’re not come onDancing with the Starsafter all , so countenance ’s break up and bang other people while we ’re still recognized in taproom .
But in other path , I AM glad because …
JoJo Is the Next Bachelorette!
Lesser Bachelor recap web site than this had reported that it was move to be Caila , and they were very , very wrong . In the past times I ’ve been upset that my ducky have been prefer to turn into the same soulless goblins as the relief of them . When Andi was pick , I publish " Goddammit . They will bankrupt the best of these girls yet . " And it take place . But JoJo , despite what should be my better presumption , is going to kill this matter . I call up she ’s get the potential to be Emily Maynard Lite : solid and in pure ascendency of the situation , sometimes hilariously so , untainted by the Process , full of that attack , honest as hell , and mayhap sometimes just mean enough to make stupefied men weep , but not because she told them she loved them and then dig their mettle with an ice axe . High desire !
I’ll See You Guys In Paradise, Bachelor In
God it ca n’t happen soon enough .
