Pizza and sex . Sex and pizza . They ’re two wonderful things that are infamous for still being jolly good even when they ’re not that majuscule .
It ’s gruelling to compare the two . Or is it ? Here ’s a hierarchy of 25 coarse sexual urge and pizza experiences , from least to most square .
25. Microwaved Ellio’s that’s still frozen in the middle
The caution of biting into this iceberg is a stratum of cheese that ’s as hot as the surface of the Dominicus : at least you could still break up off those little piece of pepperoni for some in effect eatin ’ while you hold aloe vera to the roof of your mouth .
24. Handjobs
Not technically sexual activity , but still by all odds practiced than not having sex at all – you know ? It ’s the “ let ’s just put tomato sauce and tall mallow on a piece of pledge ” of the sexual cosmos , in pizza terms .
23. Week-old delivery pizza in the back of the fridge
It ’s past the point of soggy , where the consistency of the crust matches the consistency of the residual of the slicing . At this point , it does n’t matter whose it is ( or was ) because all ’s fair in love and electric refrigerator .
22. Whiskey dick with someone really cute
Whiskey dick is such a bummer , especially because it ’s a terrible result of such a squeamish affair : imbibing whiskey . It always happens during the most inconvenient times , too – like , when you ’ve tail down the one who got by and she finally tells you that she ’s into you .
21. Coitus interruptus
Commonly referred to as “ the pullout method , ” but we mean it in the literal sense of being discourteously break during a trip to the ivory zone . Maybe it ’s with a phone call , maybe a fire warning equipment , maybe a real firing … it happens and it ’s no good .
20. When there’s way too much cornmeal on the bottom
A great slice of pizza can be smash when the chef is too freehanded with the cornmeal . How dare they guess their customers really wish running their hand over the bottom of the pizza pie in an attempt to rub off the culinary equivalent to sand . Hmm … actually , this can be applied for both subject ; as no men or women should have cornmeal on their butts during sex .
19. Breakup sex
It ’s the form of gender you have when both parties bed that the end is near or when the detachment ’s already happened and one last hurrah is need . No stimulation , no cuddling , no kissing .
It ’s passionate in a emotionless sort of path , but depressing to the point where one or both of you cries at the end … or middle .
18. The wrong order from Domino’s
Domino ’s is the kind of place you order from when you ’re desperately athirst and ready to eat . So when you ’ve paid and the delivery guy rope is long gone , it ’s a dashing hopes to launch the boxwood and see that they interpret your “ half cheese , half sausage ” as “ Hawaiian , but anchovies instead of pineapple . ” Still , you ’re not going to run off the meter calling the guy back and you ’re sure enough not going to befuddle it away … so you eat it .
17. Your first time
Such an exciting and beautiful ( ? ? ? ) thing for a man or a woman … except for the almost guarantee embarrassment and awkwardness .
16. A medium pizza with peppers, onions, sausage, bacon, and… oh damn it, no mushrooms?
Aw man , it ’s the mushrooms that make it !
15. Pity sex
Typically the solution of a cosmic string of depress texts to your soon - to - be ex-husband - friend , pity gender come at a price and only happens once .
14. A good pie adorned with too much hot pepper
Hey , who the nether region put on this burn spicy capsicum pepper plant on my pizza Proto-Indo European ? It ’s a pain in the prat to pick off and – if you do n’t cull it all off – well , it ’s going to be a pain in the neck in the ass after .
13. A quickie when you’re already running late for work
You ’re quick to get up and go to piece of work , but she ’s hurtin ’ for some other daybreak love - making , so you begrudgingly take off your bloomers and pump away like your lifespan depended on it . In the ending it – of row – feels fantastic , but the entire time you ’re hold open one oculus on the clock .
12. Those expensive gourmet slices that are just a little bit too thick and expensive
conceive NYC ’s Artichoke or a huge deep - dish pie from Chicago . It ’s good , but it almost feel too high above you … as if a familiar friend has married into royalty . cogitate about the moment you discovered Nicolas Cage was inMoonstruckafter spending your childhood watchingFace / OffandNational Treasure . You roll in the hay that pizza should n’t come with such a huge bill or make you sense that full , but who ’s going to argue with a five - star Yelp followup ?
11. Hotel sex
No laundry ! No inhibitions ! Just block that local news section with the black light out of your memory .
10. Pizza bagel bites
Pizza in the morning , pizza pie in the evening , pizza at suppertime ! Your stomach ca n’t help oneself but feel rejected , because this toothsome meal is – at heart – not really pizza pie . Plus , pizza pie in the morning should only be earmark for cold pizza pie . ( See # 2 )
9. Missionary
TheBattleship Potemkinof intimate positions . Not something you necessarily desire all the time , but in spades something everyone has to get to really realise how it all works .
8. Walking into a room to find a ton of extra pizza and a bunch of full friends
The pizza pie populace ’s equivalent to Bill Paxton ’s Heart of the Ocean necklace inTitanic . Sure , it ’s not cold … and you do n’t love ricotta cheese … but it ’s free and all your friends are in a coma .
7. Makeup sex
What were we even fighting about ? Who cares . Want to order a pizza pie ?
6. Dollar slices
Maybe this is just one of those New York staples that only us big urban center folk like , but $ 1 slices are such a swell part of living in an urban area . With nothing more than literally the modification in your pocket , you may solve that lunchtime rumblin ’ in the tummy . It ’s not always the most tasty , but the speed and convenience of the whole thing more than make up for the lacklustre effect on your tastebuds .
5. Reverse cowgirl sex
Is there any other eccentric of intimate position that so encompass your hedonistic tendencies ? Everything you need is literally correct in front of you . If you ’re a rear end guy wire , you ’re all fix . If you ’re a boob hombre , just lean forrader and grab . If you hate conversation and love the aforementioned body share , you ’re in heaven .
4. A personal supreme pizza with the promise of sex later
Let ’s go down the scene : you ’re in your favorite chair , the secret plan ’s on goggle box , and your lady friend ’s out with her champion , but has just texted you something really shocking . The promise of sex is there and – just before your belly begins to mutter – the buzzer anchor ring . It ’s the manner of speaking guy with your personal supreme pizza for one . Your night has been made .
3. Doggy style
While rearward cowgirl celebrates hedonism , doggy style supports the consummate lack of year and style in the chamber . It ’s the most animalistic and ( for the most part ) dually satisfying position that really gets to the root of good sex : putting one thing into another matter at a rapid pace .
2. Cold pizza
Man , is there anything out there as good as insensate pizza ?
1. Hot pizza
Of course ! red-hot pizza ! act one ! USA ! USA ! USA !
Honorable mention
Having sex while eat pizza pie .
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Jeremy Glassis a author for Thrillist and will live and die by this list .
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