It ’s happened to everyone . You ’re in an aerodrome . Or a bar . Or a really crowded trampoline parkland in another DoS , and someone inevitably asks you , " Where you from ? " And once you severalise them , it ’s only a topic of time before you get the inevitable painful follow - up question , the unimaginative , obvious kind that irks you to the core and give you oppugn why you ’ve decided to chatter a alien trampoline Mungo Park on a Wednesday night .
Alabama
- elucidate throat*[Long pause]Soooo … is everybody there antiblack or what?If you ’ve been bear attention to … anything lately , you may’ve noticed that no one land has a monopoly on the racialism thing .
Alaska
Is it , like , topnotch insensate there?Yes ( mostly ) , and the coldness is wonderful . It ’s the glacier - melting fondness that ’s a trouble . mayhap some of the abject 48 sept could try walk once in a while when they ’re lead out to sampleTaco Bell ’s latest cheese - fill innovation ?
Arizona
Where did you retire from?Even if you ’re an Arizona State coed cocktail waitressing at Zuma Grill so you could afford to hold up in whatever company flat building complex substitute The VUE , there ’s still , like , a 50 % chance you ’re actually just a retired person cite Norm from a nice suburb of Bakersfield .
Arkansas
What do you think about the Clintons?The Clintons are barely even there anymore , OK ? But if you must have it off , late polls suggest the answer is :
48 % – Nope37 % – Yep15 % – peradventure catch some Z’s with Bill ?
California
Do you ever get the signified that , in interchange for your favorable climate and bountiful avocados and fancy beaches and suntanned fit people who somehow still own Rollerblades and pretty Harry Bridges and super burritos and fish tacos and adorable tendency to practice the Holy Scripture " hella , " you are basically a ticking prison term bomb calorimeter that ’s one switching of a architectonic plate away from a near - certain impendent doom?Sigh .
Colorado
You receive any weed?Look , just because Colorado blaze out ( yeah , yeah we eff ) the track forfully legal marijuanain this state does not have in mind every Coloradan you happen is invariably carrying an 8th at any given moment , so why do n’t you stop with your offhand assumptions and – oh , what ’s that ? You want edibles ? Oh , OK , yeah everyone has those .
Connecticut
At what level during prep school did you memorize your offensively moneyed but at last ego - loathing stepfather ’s recognition card number?If you said any time after sophomore year at [ Brunswick / Cheshire / Choate Rosemary Hall / Hopkins / Hotchkiss / Kent / Loomis / Miss Porter’s / Avon Old Farms / Salisbury / Taft / Westminster ] , you ’re a liar . carry-over to Deerfield .
Delaware
Wait , people are actually FROM there?!On the one hand , people ’s derisive reaction when it add up to the First State can produce tiresome . On the other hand , at least they did n’t reenact that conniption fromWayne ’s World . Whoops . Spoke too soon . There they go .
Florida
Did you find out about the Florida man who … [ insertdaily incident in which a Florida human being does something so ridiculous and bizarre and insanethat you set about to question the introductory assumption of baseline human tidings and get sad ] ?
Yes , yes of class we did .
Georgia
Peaches . peach ! Peaches?Actually , South Carolina has more . Do n’t bring it up .
Hawaii
- taciturnly pantomimes hula-hula dancing expecting some sort of bewildered response *
Well fine , ciao to you ( and yes , we know it entail hello and good-by , and in this special linguistic context , it in spades means good day ) .
Idaho
Are you a white potato farmer?PRO TIP : studies show that not eating a raw potato like an apple will diminish the likelihood you ’ll get this question by up to 7 % .
Illinois
Daaaaa Bears!It ’s not a question , strictly speaking , but people jog it out as a kind of shorthand query to imply more specific asks such as , " Do you have one of those speech pattern ? " , " Do you live exclusively on a diet ofPolish sausageand cheese fries ? " , and " Do you wish Jay Cutler would inoculate his kid ? " And yeah , this even happens to the great unwashed from Carbondale . Even though they ’re just heartsick Rams sports fan .
Indiana
The fuck is a Hoosier , anyway?The pedigree aremurky and complicated , OK ? ! Now please block off talking , we ’re almost to the part in the movie where Gene Hackman forcefully tongue - kisses Barbara Hershey and everyone in the room gets super uncomfortable .
Iowa
But did n’t Indiana invent the pork tenderloin sandwich?Wrong ! So wrong ! You want to wager one of Carver - Hawkeye Arena ’s oddly popular soft - serve ice cream cones on it ? Of course not , because you ca n’t prove anything . Now please , let me enjoy this crumbly lax - meat sandwich in peace , Iowa JV grapple is on .
Kansas
You ’re not in Kansas any longer . Are you . Are you?!A Kansan could travel to Nepal and still be forced to suffer jambon - fisted book of facts to a movie that come up out in 1939 . Please do n’t do this . Maybe just start singing " Carry on My Wayward Son " ? in reality nope – do n’t do that either .
Kentucky
Can my eight buddies and I crash with you when we head up down for the Derby?Well actually it might be 10 of us , depending on whether or not with child Tony and Little Tony can make it ( fiddling Tony might have a public urination lawcourt date but he ’s thinking about just settle ) . And you know how Big Tony is .
So … nerveless ?
Louisiana
Do the alligator ever get in your homes?Gators love beignets and crawfish etouffee , according to what I bonk from the oldTMNTanimated series .
Maine
Have you ever been to Eventide Oyster Co.?MAINE IS 35 K SQUARE Roman mile WITH 23 INCORPORATED CITIES , WHY WOULD YOU JUST take over I’VE BEEN TO THIS ONE HIP OYSTER BAR IN PORTLAND?!?!In low voiceBut yes , oh my God , there ’s this ridiculously luscious pickled ginger ice they serve with the oyster .
Maryland
How true is that scene inThe Wirein which [ RELAYS BACK FAVORITE SCENE FROMTHE WIRE , USUALLY THE ONE WITH OMAR MEETING UP WITH BROTHER MOUZONE ] ?
And this is when citizenry are n’t quoting back to you the Bradley Cooper line fromWedding Crashersaboutcrab cake and football .
Massachusetts
Do you park your car in Harvard Yard ?
" You ca n’t even park a car in Harvard Yard , " says my co - writer Matt Lynch , Harvard Class of ’ 03 , as he contritely express joy and adjusts his tie in the Porcellian Club lavatory , before being asked to leave because he ’s not a member of the Porcellian Club and no one can calculate out how he got in .
Michigan
Do you know Michael Moore?What ? No , who ’s he ? ( WatchesRoger & Me ) … hold back , you mean to differentiate me Michigan ’s manufacturing base has slump sternly with drastic backlash statewide … I had no idea !
Minnesota
Why are you so dainty all the time?It ’s really really complicated , but fix yourself some blistering knockout , read this , and you ’ll understand much , much good .
Mississippi
Have you checked the interior obesity pace recently ?
- release sweet afternoon tea all over laptop *
Missouri
What was it like growing up in the South?Missouri is most definitely the Midwest . Though you could be forgive for being broken if you ’re in the Ozarks .
Montana
Do you know Joe Montana ? Wait … do you bed HANNAH Montana?Oddly , mass with the last name " Montana " are not abysmally usual in Montana . However , Joe Mantegna does visit on occasion . specially during huckleberry season .
Nebraska
Can you do something about this?*Takes out a bag of unhusked Zea mays and stares pointedly , slowly raising eyebrows while backing forth by design *
Nevada
How often do things that happen in Vegas actually end up circulate in other parts of the state , despite the local Draconian laws veto those things?We can imagine that being an issue , especially if hoi polloi commute to work there , you fuck ?
New Hampshire
So you really like NASCAR , right?Upon further review , this seems like a pretty fair question .
New Jersey
Is it just likeJersey Shore?A friend of mine had doting childhood store of purchase shirt at the Seaside shop where Snooki and the crew " worked " during their land tenure on MTV ’s unhallowed experiment in tanning bed contumely and forgettable catchphrase origination . Those memories are now ruined . Even the Jersey natives who should have BEEN onJersey Shorehate it at this period . Please stop mentioning it .
Talking aboutThe Sopranosis fine .
New Mexico
How close do you live to Walter White ’s house?Too close . Everywhere is too closelipped .
New York
What should I do in New York?You could start bylooking at thisand then never demand me that question again ever .
North Carolina
Did you go to Duke?No one from Duke is from North Carolina or stays in North Carolina after graduation , unless they get signed by the Hornets .
North Dakota
Is that the one with Mount Rushmore?No .
Ohio
Cleveland ’s river did n’t really view on fire , did it?THAT WAS 1969 , PLEASE STOP BRINGING IT UP.*Checks to make indisputable Cuyahoga is currently not on fire *
Oklahoma
Did you be intimate that Kevin Durant is not play basketball for Oklahoma City anymore ? And has in fact join the Golden State warrior , a team Oklahoma almost beat in the playoff last year?I’m not indisputable if you guys heard …
Oregon
So you ’re like a hippy , huh?NOT EVERYWHERE IN THE STATE IS PORTLAND , OK?*Quickly take away woollen knit cap , un - waxes mustache , and hides unicycle under rescued - Grant Wood stage used for pop - up gender - impersonal marionette performances *
Pennsylvania
think back when you guys threw battery at Santa?It does n’t count that you hold out 200 miles away from Philly . Or that it was snowballs . Philly will regain a way to get itspublic piss - stain news report of anger and irrationalityall over your strong Quaker tradition .
Rhode Island
Awwww , but you guys are so wittle . How does a wittle state like dat end up being so cute ? ! ? ! [ ALL say IN A BABY vocalism , OBVIOUSLY]You have permission to hit this mortal in the facial expression with a Del ’s Frozen Lemonade ( assuming you ’ve already eaten as much as you want of that delectable one - of - a - kind treat ) .
South Carolina
Did you just call it " the War of Northern Aggression"?Let ’s please not have this conversation , I ’m trying to put my name in atThe Ordinary .
South Dakota
Is that the one with Mount Rushmore?No . ( Yes . )
Tennessee
I ’m run on a bachelor[ette ] party to Nashville in three months . What should I do?You already lie with , you ’re just pass away to eathot chicken , go to a honky tonk , ironically purchase puncher boots , and charter in public heavy petting with another out - of - towner who is in Nashville for a bachelor[ette ] company . WHY ARE YOU EVEN ask ? ! ! ?
Texas
- Looks down suggestively*Is it true that everything is big in Texas?STOP LOOKING AT MY GIANT BELT BUCKLE SHAPED LIKE SAM HOUSTON LASSOING A football game THROWN BY ROGER STAUBACH STANDING ONA PLATE OF BRISKET !
Utah
Do you have any sister wives?Whether the response is " yes " or " no , " this conversation is n’t go to go well .
Vermont
What type of cheddar cheese do you most enjoy eating while listening to jam bands?Yeah , we also agree that String Cheese Incident would be a little too on the nozzle .
Virginia
Are you from DC Virginia or normal Virginia?It ’s more that this interrogation is needless , since you may always tell by whether they ’re glue to their phone and about to pursue you in a conversation about ethyl alcohol subsidy .
Washington
- Just sings a bunch of Nirvana songs , though at least one of them is in reality a Soundgarden song mistaken for a Nirvana birdsong , but ends final lyric in an upward manner to make it seem like it ’s really a question*I was more of a Pearl Jam fan anyway .
West Virginia
- Struggles for interrogative sentence that does n’t cite coal mines while eating pepperoni roll*[Silence , save for chewing]*Gives up , finishes luscious pepperoni roll*Do stoolpigeon really give way first in ember mines?*Coughs *
Wisconsin
Why do you have so many cheese curds in your pockets?Why is this even a question ? It could snow . A hungry spider could appear in desperate need of dairy - productive sustenance . A deep fryer and a arena of hitter could appear out of nowhere . Point is , NOT bear around a reasonable provision of cheese curds at all clip is reckless and irresponsible , and we will thank you not to comment on the matter any further . Good solar day , sir .
Wyoming
Are you worried about living on top of a giantsupervolcano?Hey , when that thing blows you ’re probably screwed too .
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