Welcome back toOff the Menu , where we bring you the safe and strangest food stories from my email inbox . This workweek , we land you moreutterly insane stories from restaurantsthat are zany as all hell . As always , these are real electronic mail from real reader , though names have been changed .
Caucasian bread
“ One morning I lay off at a Subway on my way to work to take hold of a sandwich for lunch . It was about 10 am and no one was in the storehouse , but an older white humanity walked in shortly after me . I ordered my bread and cheeseflower and marrow and the Subway worker reach the sandwich to the next guy to put on my other constituent .
“ The first worker turn back to the onetime white man and asks him what kind of dough he require .
“ Customer : ‘ Caucasian . ’
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist
“ Subway Worker : ‘ What ? ’
“ client : ‘ Caucasoid ! I want Caucasian bread . I do n’t do any of that other stuff . ’ " –Myjah Vargas
The most committed pizza fanatic ever
“ I was working phones / register one night , around 9:00pm when this guy calls in want to get a delivery . This was in a small townspeople , so we closed up on the early side ( around 10:00pm on weekend ) , and had just pass on the point in the night where we intercept taking pitch . I explained this to the guy and he pop out to become your typical rude customer . No big mint , these guys are a dime bag a 12 in the restaurant business . Also , I was 18 and believably stoned at the time , so I could n’t be bothered to get riled up about it .
“ Our delivery number one wood that Nox was also one of the manager , and she told me that she ’d be fine use up out one more order . When I start to gather the guy ’s selective information , however , I saw that he survive right smart outside our delivery zone , way out in the rural area beyond city limit . I had to explain to this bozo the new reason why we could n’t deliver for him , and he started to get pissy all over again , even accusing us of dicking him around . He tried to get us to adjoin him at a spotlight at the boundary of city limit with no speech , which was a vast no - no , so again I had to excuse to him that he was out of portion . The guy got super frustrated at this point and was cussing up a tempest , tell me we were being all silly . After much crying , he was finally convinced to come pick up the pizza himself , but not without let me know one more meter how unintelligent he think it was .
“ So like I said , this was at 9:00 , and I told the guy it would be ready in 10 - 15 minutes . Cut to an 60 minutes later at 10:00 , and nobody had shown up to claim the pizza . The depot could n’t be close until the registers had been counted out , and the cash register could n’t be matter until the last parliamentary procedure was cover with . We could have just cancelled the hombre ’s club and leave alone , but that always left capable the sorely awkward possible action of him showing up right after , while we were still there . So we did all the other closing tasks : mopping , pick the oven , putting thing aside , etc . , and were just waiting for this guy wire to show up . Finally , it was about 10:20 and I was begging our manager to cut the corduroy on this jerking . He had been yokelish and he was hold me up now from whatever super of import stuff 18 class quondam me had to do ( such as getting gamey again ) .
“ Suddenly , off in the space through the glassful door , I see this shape passing under the street lamp on the skyline . tardily ca-ca its way in our way was what I can only describe as a shadowy humpback of Notre Dame struggling to master a bicycle for the first clip . Finally the mysterious figure got to our door and we let him deep down . It was Super Rude Delivery Dude , DRENCHED in bucket of sweat and understandably very drunk . He seemingly had ridden into town 10 mile on a cycle that HAD ONLY ONE PEDAL ( a very hilly 10 Admiralty mile I might add ) .
“ He paid for his pizza without saying much and proceeded to crookedly twit off into the Nox . Ten miles back home in total dark on a bike with one pedal with his large pizza equilibrate across the handlebars . I never flick so tight from hating a customer to feeling sorry for him . Also , there ’s no way of life he made it far enough away to be out of earshot by the time my four Colorado - proletarian and I started busting up laugh . ” –Matt Keaton
Cruise ship chaos
“ A protagonist of mine forge on a ‘ Spirit Of ’ sail ship . fundamentally , you pay up to go on a ship , watch people dance and sing erstwhile timey standards for a few hours while dine at a snack counter . Your typical customer is a wizened elder who has air-sleeve older than you .
“ It was my friend ’s maiden voyage as an entertainer . A few Sung dynasty in , she was a small nervous after get only polite applause , but then realized that everyone was in use eating . A few whiles later , the close was done , everyone was thanked , and the stage abandon . It was then that a fellow performer pulled her aside .
“ ‘ You have to see this , ’ she said .
Jason Hoffman/Thrillist
“ My friend then saw all these Tupperware container appear out of nowhere . The hearing had brought them to the show . There was then a unhinged dash to the snack counter table as everyone stuffed whatever they could into their receptacles . Customers were shoving and grabbing ladle and spatulas out of other people ’s hands . There were spouses back at the tables yelling ‘ There ’s nobody at the half-pint ! ’ and ‘ Do n’t forget the sight knock ! ’
“ After the ship docked , my friend was at the exit , thanking everyone and pronounce goodbye as they depart . She see one very old military man in light grey pants walk out . The front of his pant were dark and burnished . She thought he had wet his pants … then she see the lobster tails vex out from over his belt . He could n’t meet them in his bag and had stuffed them into his trouser . He smiled sheepishly and left .
“ She said that pretty much every cruise was like that . ”– Natalie Baker
Spooning Jesus
“ I work in a pop / trendy restaurant / lounge in Downtown Vancouver with a huge patio that drew in a lot of holidaymaker . We had about 20 signature cocktail ( that were all awe-inspiring ) , but one in particular that we were make love for was call in the " Spooning Jesus . ”
I endeavor to play it off as , " Oh no … well … I think of , it ’s kind of like a clinch ! Like you just hugged Jesus … ! "
“ I bring them their deglutition , they ’re all right , and I go check up on them soon after to see if they ’d care another round . I find the noblewoman crying over her crapulence while the son and father are kind of half - embarrassed / half - laughing at her expense . Of course , I ask if everything is alright . The son tells me he just explained to her what ‘ spooning ’ meant . She looks at me through the split and says ‘ I just blasphemed Jesus ! ’
“ I taste to toy it off as , ‘ Oh no … well … I intend , it ’s kind of like a hug ! Like you just hugged Jesus … ! ’ This did not help .
“ I had to leave quickly to not start laughing right then and there . ”– Amy Hatton
He challenges you to MORTAL KOMBAT!
“ The right part of my job as a Subway sandwich creative person was this guy who called the store EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for at least the two years I put to work there and shout into the phone , ‘ I CHALLENGE YOU TO MORTAL KOMBAT ! ’
“ Seriously . It was every single dark . Did n’t matter who was working , so I know it was n’t one of my friends messing with me . And there was no laid fourth dimension – there would just be a random call at some point during the evening where someone was getting challenged to mortal kombat . How awesome is that ?
“ You ’d imagine it would be pestiferous , and some of my other coworkers thought it was . But I admired his tenaciousness . He did this every night for year . That ’s a lot of effort for something incredibly ridiculous . infernal region , for all I know , he ’s still doing it 20 years later on . In fact , I kind of hope he is .
“ If you ’re read this , Crazy Mortal Kombat Guy aka Shang Tsung aka That Asshole Again , fall on , you disturbed rhombus . ”– Dan Sanders
Sounds like presidential behavior to me
“ About a decade ago , I was a bartender at a very upscale eating place in Hollywood . One fine day , a middle - aged , slimly rotund gentleman in a courtship and sleeper take the air in and ordered a sauvignon blanc . I pour his wine and take his reference card .
“ The credit card was , of course , refuse . He offered me another lineup , also declined , a debit scorecard , also declined , and then a business card informing me that he was a ‘ prospect for President of the United States of America . ’
“ ‘ That ’s great , " I secernate him , ‘ but do you have $ 14 ? ’
“ That ’s o.k. , ” the humankind said , “ cops love me , I ’m a candidate for president ! ”
“ It was around this meter that I noticed he was not just a shade tousle , but was actually in what my mother would describe as ‘ a state . ’ His link was loose around his neck opening , his collar sweaty , and his livid , clit up shirt had what I wear were barbecue sauce and mustard grime on it .
“ ‘ I ’m go to have to go to the ATM , ’ he told me . He then gave me his credit card and ID to have and stumble out of the cake .
“ About 15 minutes later , he returned , sans mutation coat . ‘ I ’d like a sauvignon blanc , ’ he told me .
“ ‘ I ’d like $ 14 for the first one you drank . ’
“ ‘ Right , right . It ’s , uh , it ’s in my jacket crown . ’
“ ‘ I ’m run to call the pig . ’ Even though this was a bluff on my part , my manager overheard me and took it upon himself to call the cops anyway . I had a pretty radian managing director .
“ ‘ That ’s fine , ’ the homo say , ‘ cops love me , I ’m a campaigner for chairman ! I have a line visiting card … ’ He start angle around in his pants air hole for another carte , but in doing so also discovered a heavy wad of cash .
“ As he paid me , the police go far to see him out of the stripe . They told him they were going to take him to a parade and he willingly arrest in the back of the squad car . ”– Josh Harrelson
Quite honestly one of the best stories I’ve ever received
“ My menage ( parents , maternal grandparents , aunt , aunt ’s then - boyfriend ) and I are on vacation in Maui . I am an endearingly chubby three - yr - quondam with a really loud stomach laugh I utilise every few second because , I do n’t recognize , everything is just fucking hilarious to a three - twelvemonth - old . Also , I believe I insisted upon only eating Gerber ’s sweet potato babe food goop at this compass point , and despite still being in diapers , I was smart enough to have conversations and asshole . I just did n’t wanna develop up , and I did n’t give a dirt about how I dissemble in public as long as it did n’t piss my parent off to the decimal point they ’d take me home . I remember I may have winkle half the restaurant because fuck you , I ’m a fat three - year - old cover in non - Newtonian smooth sweet potato .
“ ANYWAY . My grandparent are surd - nosed heavy drinkers from Jersey City . My grandma in particular is … well , you ’ll see .
“ So , we go out to dinner . ( I insist on this , because I liked cover myself in sweet potato in public and then groping myself as I played with my avoirdupois roll or something . It ’s performance fine art , you judgmental little turd . ) We go to a stock touristy barroom / grill , with stock saloon / grill rock euphony play in the setting , and I frankly blank out what everyone else eats . I ate my infernal perfumed white potato slime and I LIKED IT THANK YOU VERY MUCH .
“ My grandparents drink a lot , and no one essay to stop them because they commonly respond to that by just doubling their next potable order .
“ They . Are . SMASHED . Not aggressive - angry - drunk , but unintelligent - weird - giddy - Jersey City - sometime - people drunk . My grandma is … er … dancing ? Along to each song , but that ’s normal for a lot of drunk people . We eat , the intellectual nourishment is fine , service is skillful , yadda yadda . And then Peeves the bally Poltergeist possesses my grandma or something . What happens ?
“ Billy Joel ’s ‘ Movin ' Out ’ comes on .
“ Grandma determinedly sways back and forth , not at all in time with the birdcall , but something has changed in her . fatty babe me is giggle because hey , my grandmother is sooooo drunk lol where are my sweet-flavored potatoes lemme touch my baby dick for no reason . According to every retelling of the story , my ma and my aunt ’s Drunk Grandma Spidey Sense has been activated , because nan drank like this even while raising them . ( Ah , the ' LXXX . Such a wholesome clip . ) When DGSS goes off , Grandma is about to do something inexplicably crazy , even for a drunk somebody .
“ ' He works at Mr. Cacciatore ’s down on Sullivan St '
" ' Across from the medical center '
" ' Yeah , and he ’s tradin ' in his Chevy for a '
“ ‘ CAD - UH - LACK - ACK - ACK - ACK - ACK — ’
“ The chorus stop , Billy Joel no longer cares about the Cadillac . Grandma does , though .
“ ‘ — ACK - ACK - ACK - ACK - ACK - ACK - ACK - ACK - ACK - ACK - ACK — ’
“ My mummy ’s shoot daggers across the table at her mother because of the telling . Both her and my auntie are frantically shout - whispering ‘ Mom ! Mom ! ’ at her in an attempt to snap the creature out of its trance . Eventually , it works .
“ fertile baby me is sad that grandma stopped singing . ‘ Again , grandma , again ! Again again again ! ’
“ ‘ CA - DI - LACK - ACK - YACK - YACK - AH - AH - AGH – ’ ( coughs , slurps her drink )
“ The intact restaurant is staring at us . My grandma has been quite flashy . The waitstaff is crowded by the boniface stand in stunned silence .
“ ‘ momma ! Stop it ! ’
“ ‘ Again , Grandma , again ! ’ I was an evil babe . Still am .
“ The next unit of ammunition of the chorus line comes on , this clip you may never argue with a crazy mi - mi - mi - mi - psyche .
“ granny : ‘ YACK - YACK - YACK - YACK - YACK – ’
“ intact eating place : ( agape , pointing and whispering )
“ Waitstaff : ( prob wondering if someone will tip more because of this )
“ Me : ( fat giggle baby underwrite in sweet-smelling murphy )
“ Grandpa : ‘ SHUT UP , MAYH ! ’ ( my good bringing close together of his JC - accentuate interpretation of her name )
“ Grandma : ‘ SHUT UP , JAWGE , YACK YACK YACK YACK YACK – ’
“ house : ( so ashamed )
“ We left before long after . My parents tip well . ” –Ken Garretson
In addition to roll up the usual eating place , home - cooking , and any other food for thought - next stories , we ’re calculate for tale of college assholes from dining Charles Francis Hall worker . If you have anything you ’d like to see appear in Off the Menu , please emailWilyUbertrout@gmail.com with " Off the Menu " in the subject occupation , or tweet at@EyePatchGuy .
Sign up herefor our daily Thrillist e-mail , and get your mess of the best in food / drink / play .
