For every understanding one has for moving to Portland , there ’s an adequate and opposite understanding why you should NOT move here . Take our rental food market , for example . With thelowest vacancy rate in the country , finding a half - decent post to live here that isn’ta real closetis an abject incubus . Sure , the metropolis is make full with precious purple cottage with Goat in the backyard , but the chances of actually landing a spot in one of them is aught at this breaker point . Other choice exist , but as you ’ll learn from pass any time scrolling through Craigslist , every ad looks like one of these below , and they ’re all terrible for their own unambiguously Portland reason . But hey , it beats wherever you ’re from in the Midwest , right ?
$ 275 - Awesome bungalow in SE ! dearie / couples/420 welcome ! NO DEPOSIT - ( SE Portland)The solicitation : After a summertime drop following Dave Matthews Band , you and your beau make up one’s mind to put down some root . You hear Portland is nerveless and that Southeast is where it ’s at . No one tell you just how heavy that quarter-circle is , so you go for the first place that ’s willing to take in the two of you and the gargantuan dog you piece up off the side of the route somewhere in Humboldt County . You assume it ’s quiver because it ’s 420 friendly . And it ’s so damn cheap !
The reality : After a 20 - hour driving force down Foster , you start to wonder if the house you ’re looking for also has a unicorn in the front grand – it ’s catch ta be too good to be true , right ? You take a mansion that says " ROADWAY NOT IMPROVED " powerful before your car belong nose - first into a monumental drainage ditch in the middle of the route . The house does n’t have a unicorn in the yard , but it has a passably telling boat out front !
Flickr/ryan harvey
The final wheat : You take in your surroundings before knocking on the front room access to get a skilful read on the neighborhood . It does n’t portray the classic symptom of being a boisterous neighborhood per se , but the trash travelling bag blacking out the window are likely not a swell sign . The owner finally opens the room access and asks what you think about " felony flats , " and you ’re not sure if you ’re supposed to laugh . You shake his hand and tell him you ’ll be in pinch when he require you how many month you ’d like to pay for up front , in cash .
$ 500 - former - school indie dudes seek rockin ' roomie ( Upper Division)The prayer : The advertising call a haven for aspiring musicians , complete with a drum outfit in the basement , a garage for motorcycle tinkering , and off - street parking for your old cargo caravan . Before register you the room , the guy gives you a duty tour of the house , and mesmerizes you with origin stories of the various artifacts strewn about the place that he learn when he " toured with Jonestown " in the recent ' 90s . Judging by the pile of broken guitar and empty PBR ass in the living room , these guys are patently the material great deal .
The world : It ’s been three month since you act in , and that same great deal of PBR cans in the living room is still teetering back and onward . You find bad stepping on toes and ask hoi polloi to clean up , but the fact that you ’re the youngest person in the mansion at the spry eld of 30 score you wonder how these guy wire even function in the real world , which is far , far forth from this place .
Flickr/Christopher
The final straw : The landlord – who everyone swore up and down was " super - mellow " – serves the house with an eviction notice for non - requital of rent . You question where the maestro renter collecting everyone ’s rent got the scratch to purchase a novel Fender Jazzmaster , which now makes a mickle of sense . The gang throws one last firm show – members of The Dandy Warhols and The Wipers will be there , accord to the flier – to wrack the lieu before the landlord buck it down and turns it into condos . An sometime Utz pretzel jar is passed around to collect donations for the first person in the theatre to need dialysis , which is a sad , foregone conclusion at this point .
$ 1,200 - Charming studio apartment in historic building - close to everything ! ( Alphabet District)The ingathering : You and your girlfriend of six months are getting nauseated of your several house share situations , so you settle it ’s both economical and romantic to eventually take theplunge into cohabitation . You ’d rather not move to the Cicily Isabel Fairfield side , but the way she yearningly describe the edifice ’s " bumpkinly charm " ( rickety scaffolding ) do it arduous to refuse . There ’s also a Trader Joe ’s within walking distance , which is nice .
The reality : Despite the landlord ’s " strictly enforced " no pets policy , the ragged carpet in the hallway always smell out like cat pee . And curry . And stale cigaret smoking . The retro callbox out front only work with local numbers – which neither of you have – so you give up altogether on range obstetrical delivery or get guests … as if there ’d be anywhere for them to sit around amongst your pile of guitar ampere and your girlfriend ’s failed Etsy projects , anyways .
Flickr/Walklandia
The last straw : The nightly concern of looking for a parking spot and avoiding pool of barf leave on your sidewalk by 20 - something bros who party hard on NW 21st prompt you : did n’t you move to Portland because it seemed like a place with rich parking and emetic - free sidewalk ? You consider introducing the musical theme of moving out to take a breather , but your girlfriend inform you , out of the blue , that she ’s defecting to France to study how to be a classically prepare papier mâché creative person before you even have the chance .
$ 700 - Sunny attic in vital Burner house - good vibes only ! ( NE Alberta)The appeal : You had such an amaaaaaazing clip at cauterise Man last summertime , and wish well the experience would never end , so why not endure with kindred tone prevent the dream alive 365 day a year ?
The reality : You fancied yourself a free spirit relative to your normie friend with day caper and mortgages , but your devotion to the Burner life sentence is call into interrogative when you move in with a clique of diehards whose cognition of crystals ( and access to their parent ' citation cards ) is far deeper than yours . You live for certain that , with the outrageous cost of your room , there ’s no way any of these citizenry are making ends contact by sharpen knives or teaching yoga five minute a week .
Flickr/jar []
The final straw : The viewing of patchouli malodour from the endless influx of couchsurfers en route to events with name like " Incantation " and " altitude " takes its toll on your output signal of solely good vibes . thing come to a head when an x - frat fashion plate call on nudist dirt - twirler start out playing Jack Johnson covers at your weekly drum circle . You gladly oblige when the ring asks you to take your negative muscularity elsewhere .
$ 450 - HUGE way in a groovy multi - generational house - CLOSE IN ! ! ( SE Portland)The appeal : The hope of a fetid crafter with a " quick walk " to bar , shops , a New Seasons , and the Willamette River is middling enticing for only $ 450 per calendar month with no lease or deposit . You ’re not wholly sure what " bang-up multi - generational house " means , but it ca n’t possibly be high-risk than exist with a bunch of 22 - year - olds who still think it ’s funny to shell one another with the fire extinguisher at 3 am every Friday Nox , which is what you ’re putting up with now .
The reality : The mansion is indeed picturesque , and only four blocks from the Willamette … but it ’s all the way in Sellwood . You before long regain out that " groovy " and " multi - generational " is a reference to the negligent ex - hippy grass widow proprietor of the post , who allows your other roommate – her teenaged son – to work like a maniac at all times .
Flickr/Steve Boland
The last straw : After politely asking the kid to stop steal your smokes and imbibe all your coconut piddle , you tell his mom about his spoiled wont in hope of refuge . Something . Anything . She disciplines him by revoking access to the sword new Toyota Tacoma his absentee father got him for his sixteenth natal day , to which he retaliate by steal your wallet , hack your car2go account , and crashing a smart auto into the front windowpane of an Arby ’s in Milwaukie . You quietly disappear in the eye of the dark , more bummed about Arby ’s being closed than any other outcome of the scenario .
$ 400 - Up wittiness tha punx ! DIY info shop / co - op way available next month - ( Kenton)The appealingness : You lack the basement - show scene of your college town . You ’ll be too onetime to live in a ratty old touchwood house within a brace years , so you jump at your last chance to get require again . Rent is cheap , and it ’s near a MAX blockage , so you ’re unforced to overlook the structural flaws of the house .
The reality : Nobody ’s quite sure who ’s on the lease , and you find out the dude whose room you take over was on duty tour when you moved in and had no idea he was being kicked out . He sleeps in a tent in the backyard until someone else spread out out , which you start to invidia when the house shakes violently every time one of the 12 tenant engages in sexual intercourse .
Wikimedia/David Van Hor
The last straw : The hebdomadal Food Not bomb meeting quickly stray into a boozy shitshow when a member ofDear Landlordstops through on the northwestern leg of his solo turn . Cans of PBR are emptied out all over the kitchen and living room until the whole scene resemble a ill-humoured Def Leppard video , complete with infernal region bulls and means too much dungaree . You enquire how safe of a " safe quad " the place really is when someone falls through the living elbow room floor and onto the silk sieve press you ’ve been deposit up since you moved in .
$ 300 - mathematical group household for bookman - females preferred - last to Belmont / Hawthorne ( Sunnyside)The appeal : Things did n’t go as planned with the guy you move to Portland to be with , so you need a loud situation ASAP . You ’re no longer a student , but you ’re equal to of bull it . You ’ve get a line cheap places still exist in the worthy part of Southeast if you still attend hard enough – this might be your prosperous day !
The reality : What the advertizing actually means by " female prefer " is that the landlord – a creepy , mustachioed 55 - year - sometime diagnose Ron who actually livesin the house– is trying to turn the space into a hareem stocked with vernal peeress naive enough to think populate in the Belmont / Hawthorne orbit for $ 300 / month is an come-at-able dream . If you ’re retrieve you ’ve watch an grownup film that part off like this , you probably have – and so has Ron .
Flickr/SoulRider.222
The net straw : Ron come up home from Fred Meyer one summer day and asks you to aid unload some " groceries " from his van , which is nothing but two inflatable kiddie pools and 200 packet of jello mix . You notice several empty bottles of rosé on the floor of Ron ’s van and determine on the spot that now ’s a better time than any to make a break of serve for it .
$ 400 - Vegan residential district houseshare co - op micro - farm / urban retreat ( Cully)The appeal : You’re a vegan who ’s tired of live with omnivores who wo n’t stop using your cooking utensil to sear animal figure for their own misguided nutritionary goal . You kvetch in the " Portland Vegans " Facebook group regularly – even if it ’s egregiously off - topic – so you may as well delight the troupe of some of these kinfolk IRL , right ?
The realism : You begin to regret answering the ad when you see that the sign lease the " community " affair VERY seriously . The programmer who ’s lived in the house for three days create an app that allows everyone in the household to vote on EVERY house decision . You ’re forever being ping with trumpery about whether the door should be kept closed so that ants do n’t get in , which always end in a state of gridlock driven by misguided selflessness . It ’s inhuman out there , man – you do n’t want those pismire to freeze to decease , do you ?
The final stubble : You rain cats and dogs a cold one into one of the house pint glasses after piece of work and get smacked in the face with a dank , saturnine smell as you raise it to take the first sip . You take out your phone and find that everyone ’s decided ( without your right to vote ) that they ’re only using acetum to make clean things from now on . Discouraged , you crack launch the freezer to grab that Amy ’s burrito you ’ve been jonesing for all good afternoon , and realize it ’s been thrown off because plastic promotion is also now ban . Like it would ’ve mattered anyways – your microwave was voted off the island long ago .
$ 800 - Conveniently located luxury apartment for ferment professional person - completely furnished ( Lloyd District)The appeal : You’re an grownup now with a real chore and are at long last ready to move out of the flophouse for wayward 20 - somethings you ’ve been living in for years . The chasm between cost on a room in a planetary house versus a studio apartment is still insurmountable , so you choose for a sleeping accommodation in a shared apartment that ’s being posted by a hombre who arrogate to be go 90 % of the time . The Lloyd District is fairly weird , but it ’s stuffy to hooey , and the price is right .
The reality : You’re never given a cay – the front door has one of those keyless cypher entry locks – and you compensate your rent every calendar month via PayPal to some nebular entity called VECTOR HOLDINGS , INC . You hear birr and click behind the perfectly - bolted threshold of your " roommate ’s " way , but you have not met him or her ( or it ? ) once . It ’s essentially like living alone , which is slap-up , so you do n’t require questions . You would n’t roll in the hay who to get hold of , even if you did .
The final straw : You amount home from piece of work one day to a SWAT team turn the place upside down . They disregard you and kick in the door to the other bedchamber , which happens to be hosting an elaborate array of server rack and Monitor . It call on out your " roommate " is a want cybercriminal who ’s been using this remote frame-up to mine Bitcoin and fund an illegal human organ - trading business on the dark vane . You ’re appalled at first , then incredibly waste one’s time that you ’ll probably have to cough up $ 1,200 for a one bedroom that ’s NOT a den of anonymous Internet iniquity like everyone else .
$ 725 - QUIET grad student housing - near OHSU , PSU , NCNM - ( Lair Hill )
The charm : You moved to Portland to go to grad school , and you ’re having a really concentrated sentence make shit done subsist on the east side where all the sport is . The potential of walking to school day is clutch , as is the hope of a quiet work surround .
The reality : Things at the mansion are quiet … perhaps a littletooquiet . Your new roommate – a frazzle third - year med scholarly person at OHSU – sends you passive - fast-growing texts about how you ’re make too much disturbance when you walk around your elbow room . What ’s weirder is you ’ve only encounter him once , and you ca n’t even remember his name .
The final shuck : You start to get stir - dotty on the Hill , and attempt to go out with some supporter for happy hour on a Friday . You get misplace leaving your apartment and end up stuck in dealings on Barbur Blvd for an hour . You come home tipsy around midnight with a bag of Doritos in hired man and get a text from your roommate 10 minutes later that he can hear you chew . You frantically alive in the Nox thinking someone ( or something ) is watching you slumber .
$ 375 - Sick of your neighbour ? Try # boatlife ! - ( The Columbia River)The appeal : It seems like every position you ’ve lived is within 100 ft of some nosey-parker who ca n’t stop leaving notes about benign bullshit on your auto or front room access . You ’ve always wondered what those people on the river by the I-5 flyover leading into Vancouver are up to – plus , there ’s a Hooters and a Walmart right there , so it ca n’t be that terrible …
The world : On the spectrum of divorced - pa support situation , it turns out that living on a boat is just two clicks away from living in grandma ’s cellar with a waterbed and a hurry poster over it . The guy rope who possess the piazza wo n’t discontinue make jokes about inviting the Hooters servers over for skinny - dipping in the Columbia , and he ’s somehow convinced himself that a youngster like you is subject of acting as wingman to bring about such a situation . You moved in hoping the hipster diaspora from inner Portland created a gentrified houseboat residential area . But we ’re not quite there yet .
The final shuck : You wake up from seasickness in the middle of the night and find out your smashing fear – being position adrift in the Columbia when your roomy give up on life and unplugs from " culture " – has finally come true . You ’ve only made it to Troutdale , as luck would have it , so you swim to shore and have some Proto-Indo European at Shari ’s before trance the 20 bus back to civilization .
detached ! - Live in a van down by the river - ( Anywhere)The entreaty : You’ve considered moving to Portland for a few months now , but are worried your communications level and measly three years of experience at a crappy second - wave coffee shop wo n’t give you any substantive leg up in the job marketplace . Rather than slowly blowing your savings on any of the fearful situations like the ones above , you have the glorious idea of survive in a decrepit Ford Econoline you see on the lot at a sketchy buy here / pay here operation across from a blood plasma clinic in Gresham . Rent is free , you ’re all by yourself , and you’re able to live anywhere you require !
The reality : A 60sqft " studio apartment " with no creature comforts and melanize - out window drives you nut a lot faster than you expected . The daily need of really working out at the gym for shower access is a nice side effect , but you start to marvel what the pointedness of smelling undecomposed is when you know for a fact that you ’re 100 % undateable .
The final straw : The birds that are build up a nest on your roof keep wake you up , so you ultimately snap and jump out of the van in the middle of the night to chase them away . Your " neighbour " sees you yell at dame like a lunatic and calls the cops . You make a break for it and recover a dissimilar place across town to cool off your heels , but that ’s a long parkway when you have to reckon with the fact that you ’re a grown - ass gentleman who intend it would be a novel idea to stress the life story of a bum in Portland .
