The Weirdest Austin Roommate Ads on Craigslist

Living with hoi polloi – you ’ve done that before . And , yeah , most roomie situations have been moderately received : parents and sibling , that bro in college who ate all your Hot Pockets or the full-strength junky with the passive - aggressive Post - Its . Annoying ? Yes . Will murder you in your sleep ? Probably not . But as you get older and your acquaintance start , you know , in reality being grown - ups , your roomy options become more limited and you ’re forced to plough somewhere else – the net – to witness someone tolerable with whom to cohabitate . To save you the time and muscularity ( and inevitable worked up damage ) , we trawl the life - sucking Page of Craigslist to identify the unknown , most unsettling roomie ads available just to see how cloudy the trapping kitty gets .

Nude dude seeks comfort, no kids

“ This is perfect for someone not essay full time roommate . ”Just , you bang , afull - frontalroommate . On the positive side , unlike recreational nudists , this guy rope is really making a living letting it all hang out , so if he coughs … or , uh , twist and coughing … up the Johnny Cash on clip , who cares if he was storing the Federal Reserve note under his balls.$100 a Nox should cover any necessary sanitization .

You won’t get paid, but you might get laid?

This guy is n’t move to pay you , but he does promise to help you plunk up chicks , which , we can probably all agree , is a skill that ’s pretty much priceless . Once you get past the fact that the word “ wingman ” is only used by bros who wear severely confutable denim and wo n’t stop seek to buy 19 - year - old girls drinks that end in “ bomb ” – and the fact that , again , he ’s not going to give you – he seems like a literal winner who just wants to spread the erotic love and help his homeboy ( that could be you ! ) out . Just keep in mind that if he ’s posting ads like this on Craigslist , whatever girl he tries to hook you up with likely come from there , too . At least imbibing is always involved ?

Reefer for roof

While typical landlords would never accept weed as partial tear , the humanity is your defrayment - option oyster on Craigslist . This guy gets incentive points not only for bid to smoke you out as a complementary form of compensation , but for requesting an essay to find out who gets the privilege to puff - pouf - base on balls on the first of the month . We ’re not even mad , we ’re just impressed .

This girl has a legit lemur

Okay , this seems pretty cool at first . You picture yourself at the bar , surrounded by babes , as closing fourth dimension approach : “ Yo , my roommate has this lemur … Wanna go check it out ? ” And hey , they ’ve seen Madagascar – this bull practically sells itself . Plus , puppies get people laid all the time , so ideate the possibleness when you ’re in possession of a licit MONKEY.But thennnn come the questions : Is there a lemur litter box ? Do I have to install a lemur door ? What does a lemur even eat ? Do I have to grease one’s palms MORE lemurs so he does n’t get lonely ? Uh , what exactly IS a lemur?!Oh , and sidenote – surprise – these things are freak out NOCTURNAL . And even if the little rodent had a badass prehensile rear end ( which , ahem , he does not ) , that does n’t make up for the resounding sound of lemur howls echoing down your halls at all hours of the dark . In fact , these thing are fundamentally glorified raccoons . And in all actuality , credibly a total cockblock . Pass .

No clothes, no pets, no penis

It ’s hard to say whether it ’s more difficult finding a room as a nudist or attempting to recruit a nudist roommate . Either way , having a perpetually au naturel female person around might be the most unoriginal dream ever , so you ’ve got to appreciate this twosome ’s , um , naked ambitiousness .

Must understand acronyms

expend enough prison term on Craigslist , and you think you ’ve got the argot on lock . W4 M , M4W , DWF , BDSM … there ’s even a page on Craigslist about acronym on Craigslist . But ATC ? Uh , even after confer with Urban Dictionary – THE classical source on all things creepy-crawly and disgusting – all that comes up is air traffic accountant , which does n’t exactly scream freaky Internet fetish . And as the position progresses , the plot thickens . Who are these “ good the great unwashed ” ? What variety of thing are they trying to make that ’s “ kinda limited , kinda singular ” ? Why is the word “ past ” in quotation Deutsche Mark ? Tim qualifies as an ex - what exactly?So many questions , one acronym : IDK

Must love renaissance festivals

The newspaper headline “ Free Rent for Down and Out Gay Guy ” seems pretty standard until you realize someone is requesting to cohabitate exclusively with someone who fits that standard . And is under 25 . And has some handyman abilities ( wink?).This offer is either really generous and really specific or really weird and , yeah , really specific . But hey , if you fit the part , want destitute rent and are interested in telling keywords like “ mariachi , ” “ sea cruise ” and “ fine steaks , ” who are we to judge?Oh , and do n’t draw a blank “ Renaissance festivals . ” That ’s pretty key .

Bro’s got a palace

Most mass ca n’t observe an affordable one bedchamber in close proximity to Rainey Street , yet somehow this cat ’s offering you the opportunity to live it up Palace of Versailles - way in 1/25th of a goddamn castle , which seems … um … variety of impossible . Unless palace is codification for condo complex . That we could belike believe.(Update : unfortunately , the post has been removed . Consider your castle ambition totally crushed . )

Save the drama

Two teenagers live here , but do n’t go lend your drama into this mansion oKaYyYy?!Hell , compare to kids that historic period , survive with the Kardashians would be a freaking cakewalk .

This is a total sponge bath situation

need assistance after spinal surgery is completely understandable , and we ’d all probably opt to picture ourselves as the form of upright ( sorry ) citizen who would lief see this ad , move in and , like , catch thing from the top ledge … or aid exchange a fitted canvass every couple month . But even the most martyr - esque among us are likely to lose interest at the view of helping a strange bathe . Though , to be fairish , this is “ not some rich smutty dude so you do n’t have to occupy . ”Phew , close one .

Practiced in primitive skills

Are the majority of the skills in this ego - proclaim Romani ’s portfolio in any direction vendible or applicable to living in Austin in 2016 ? Nope . ( Well , um , maybe gaga edibles . ) But hey , you better believe that if some apocalyptic shit goes down , your boy James is going to be the only one in the locality with run knowledge of bow - drill fire start , deer hide preserving and animal husbandry . Plus , those protection construction skills ? MONEEEEY .

There’s a home for this poet I know it

It ’s not surprising , per se , that a freelance poet would have bad recognition , but dude , if this position is in reality a verse form … which it seems like it might be , perhaps … at least have some esteem and hook us up with a haiku . Also , there ’s like a 70 % luck this bro has Boocercus eurycerus .

A Molly/Lucy lightshow!~!~!~!

There are multiple Craigslist ads posted for what is likely the same home , and after a little reading , you ’ll probably realize there are two kind of people in this world : those who want to live on here – who probably idolize Dan Bilzerian , fag out silver glob around their cervix , licitly prefer fake boobs , and have at least one nipping conducting wire tattoo – anddddd the sort who would rather move back in with their parents and never , ever have sex again . But what , exactly , the deciding agent that separates people into one cantonment or another ? Is it the Nickelback lyrics that may or may not be ironic ? The manipulation of the phrase “ vageterians welcome ” ? The casual mention of HOT untested WOMEN and a MOLLY / LUCY LIGHTSHOW in ALL cap SO YOU hump HE MEANS IT?!Maybe it ’s the picture of the raw dude jerking it in the hot tub . ( Not pictured . You ’re welcome.)One man ’s lake wish-wash is another man ’s lake gem ?

We’re not going to call it “daddy issues,” but…

Call it a Craigslist … and life … double standard if you will , but this postal service is substantially less creepy than its inverse would be – and not just because it ’s impossible for a “ 40yrs erstwhile + ” humanity to use a felicitous face appropriately . Also , can you imagine for a moment how many responses she ’s gotten ? Craigslist was literally designed for people who would respond to an advert like this . Hell , Craig probably made the internet site for just this purpose . In all actuality , Craig himself probably shot her a message . EMAIL SERVERS ARE NOT EQUIPPED FOR offer LIKE THIS , Y’ALL.Muah ! :)

Sam Sumpteris a SWF who live in Austin and is convinced she ’s a better roomie than at least 1/8th of the hoi polloi on Craigslist . For Seinfeld references and Spotify recs , follow her@its_Sam_babaaay .

Hippie making peace sign