Sandwichedbetween two bearded confrere – one named Ben , the other , Brandon – I ’m eating a strawberry ice pick cone . While usually my brainspace would be occupied with thoughts on how workaday hemangioma simplex ice cream is , I am instead anxious about and witting of the cold stuff that ’s weeped into the bristles of my upper lip , and thoroughly aware that I look like a Cuban revolutionary .
Such is life with a beard .
As a adult female who , on a regular sidereal day , happens to be non - hirsute , I eat tall , condiment - heavy sandwiches with abandon , and with piffling regard for outflow . A neat face is a bare tongue motion-picture show or back - of - the - hand wipe away . It is a condition I was lucky enough to be born into , which is why I felt disposed to wear a faux beard and get munchin ' – to live a here and now in someone else ’s typeface , and well sympathize the bearded experience .
Cole Saladino/Thrillist
But as I only wanted to check my perquisite for the continuance of one article / photograph shoot and not in reality have to live this life , I email and asked a few bewhiskered fellows , " What are the most challenging foods to exhaust with a beard ? " This gave me guidelines for what foods I should deplete with my new boldness rug . Below , along with some bewhiskered cohort , I examine them .
Powdered donuts
We tried two : store - bought baby donuts , and then some palm - sized jelly - fill ace I found at a food cart outside the office . My self-aggrandising takeout food here is that I want to eat Hostess Donettes more frequently , because they are truly keen . But also , my immoderately long mustache was like a Swiffer Sweeper strip up Derek Foreal ’s tablescape , so that , combined with the moisture from my mouth - ventilation , really impart itself to a sticky situation .
Oatmeal
" seek eating oatmeal for breakfast without getting schmutz in your whiskers . Literally impossible , " one beardo said to unanimous agreement . I have to say , I did not find this to be that big of an issue so long as I took reasonably sized bites . All these buffoons who find eating oatmeal taxing must just be using terrible spoons . The braggy the beard , the big the spoon , is what I ’ve always said .
Egg sandwiches with running yolks
Runny vitellus is hard to take , as it runs as quickly as it harden , and once it sets , it ’s abominably difficult to get out of a whiskers . " There ’s like , literally nothing worse than get egg on your face , " said one fuzzy bozo . But this is challenging for me for other reasons : fluid yolks are my deadly enemy , and I usually only eat on ball when the orange is interracial with the whites in either an omelet or quiche situation , so that the egg basically just become a vehicle for cheese ( butdefinitely not American tall mallow ! ! ) . So I just went ahead and involve everybody ’s tidings for it , because I ’m sure vomit is also operose to cleanse out of a whiskers .
Chicken wings
Our wings were kind of budget , so they were n’t intimately saucy enough , neither for our tastes nor for this experiment . The cattle ranch dressing , however , was problematic . I considered the implications of buttermilk : do I eschew aesthetics and or else judge the worst foods to wipe out with a beard based on spoilage ? How long can this dress last in my woolly chin without refrigeration ? I did not find my answer this Clarence Shepard Day Jr. , because my poorly glued grimace - toupee lessen off well before the dairy turned .
S’mores
Guys , s’mores are silent . A dead browned marshmallow roastedrotisserie - styledoes not need to be corrupted by bargain coffee and crackers that taste like paper grocery bags . But as my email man key out it one of the bad thing to eat with a beard , I had no selection but to go off up the ol' gasolene burner , bastardize a ' mallow betwixt some graham crackers , and squeeze that fall guy into my bushy face - hole . The problem here is that marshmallow joystick to all kinds of body hair even when I ’m not wearing my bogus face fungus , so you may imagine how this lead for me . NOT WELL .
My taste - trial confirmed what one of the beardos mentioned : the only way to get s’mores out of a whiskers is to shave it and begin fresh . I only wear my costume whiskers on Tuesdays , so I ’m just not gon na eat s’mores then , because shaving this marmot is obviously not an option .
Corn on the cob
corn whisky on the cobby itself is a tricky motherfucker , with those kernels flailing around your face and up into the muttonchops all willy - nilly and whatnot , but hit it with any sort of accouterment – butter , Sriracha mayo , Nutella– and it ’s plot over . The mustache acts as a fly sheet maw , while the face fungus catch all topping like the dollar - store sieve that ’s been sitting in my kitchen sink for three weeks because it ’s been used one too many times and now I ca n’t clean it decent , and aboveboard , I retrieve I ’m just pass to bemuse it out because who knows how to clean a sieve properly , anyway ?
Soup: noodle or otherwise
The picture gore did n’t regain anything too offensive about this udon except that it was super spicy , which really has nothing to do with incommode hair at all . Soup was initially evoke by some of my polled colleague , but after trying this out myself I am unconvinced this is really an issue . " Soup . Fuck soup , " one said . I say , this slurping disturbance is underwhelming . Just lean over the bowling ball a little more .
Condiment-heavy sandwiches
" I hope I ’m not alone on this … when take up a nice bragging bite out of a sandwich , sometimes the hairs on the edge of my mustache get caught in the bite . I end up pulling hair out of my moustache and it stings like a bitch , " groused one world . " Just reconfirm that a falafel sandwich is good and tricky , owe mainly to the hummus , " say another .
Sloppy sandwich are precarious for the non - hirsute , so I did n’t have high hope for my fat falafel sandwich . The trick is napkin . Very , very strong napkin , so you may wipe your face after each bite and not look like a full freakin ' loser . It also makes the best bite , that peninsular bite that you deliberately ready up to have an even layer of every sandwich exceed / gorge , even more authoritative .
Ribs
The pearl must be turn delicately to ensure that the heart is consumed without any barbeque sauce interference on the face , which is no well-to-do exploit . And BBQ sauce is often beard - colour , so again , napkins are yugely crucial here unless you do n’t mind smelling like a pig roast for the rest of the day . I , however , didmind because there are a lot of cad in this function .
Toasted bagel with cream cheese
A pertly toasted bagel with cream cheese was cite a figure of times as the worst of all offenders , because there is petty control over how the molten cheese squirts out of the sides of the sandwich . It can go anywhere ! Also , because I had to hold the beigel with two hands , the wayward cream cheeseflower cut across my piffling digit and made pass over excess away from the boldness extremely difficult – I just aggravate the problem . On the shiny side , these foodstuff depot bagels were astonishingly bitchin ' .
Nachos
Listen , I ’m friend with a lot of bearded masses who eatnachos . I ’m a material supporter to bearded people who eat nacho . One even told me that a nacho ’s " curvature is like a snowflake . Each is different , so you never know where the cheese will drop . And sometimes you have to tilt the silicon chip , and then BAM . Cheese all up in your ' stache . " Which might be true for some , but I did n’t ascertain them to be too unmanageable so long as I gaped my cakehole wide , wide open . However , I did eat one full-bodied one that crack halfway into my oral fissure , but as my whiskers seat well below my bottom lip , I captivate the fixings in hand before they ever touched the haired part of my Kuki-Chin . I imagine most beardos do not have such luxury .
Ice cream cones
I feel the cool cream jiggle its way under my $ 15 real human hair moustache that ’s used for point production and it was unpleasant . comparatively it was n’t too bad , like , the metre I ate confutative mozzarella control stick at aCracker Barrelin Reading , PA and then ended up puking in a YMCA bathroom was definitely more uncomfortable , but I still was n’t into this . My face feel unclean . Mad dirty .
" Is this how all whiskered men find all the meter ? " I thought to myself . I ’m pretty certain Ben ’s beard is n’t use with Cinema Secrets feeling gumwood adhesive material so I answered my own question pretty quickly . Anyway , strawberry ice emollient in a cone is definitely hard to eat up with a beard . Brandon told me he eats his cones in bowl , but I can not abide . What is the power point of the cone if one must exhaust it with two hand ? Does a girl know who she is ?
Conclusion
Having a whiskers made exhaust ice cream firmly . ass beards , man .
Cole Saladino/Thrillist
Brandon cautiously goes for seconds.|Cole Saladino/Thrillist
Check out Ben’s form!|Cole Saladino/Thrillist
Brandon is not nearly as mad at this bagel as Ben is.|Cole Saladino/Thrillist
Cole Saladino/Thrillist
