The Worst Things You Can Buy on Amazon

envisage the Internet without Amazon . It would be aMad Max - elan wasteland – and not the new one either , the old one with Mel Gibson . Amazon provides us with thetrue requirement : cheap books , inflatable sex sheep , shady South Asiatic opiates , Nazi paraphernalia , andegregiously large drum of lube . It ’s a place where a fun - loving young sprout can govern a crossbow and get it the very next day with the click of a button . It ’s a place where you could reallyget the bang for your vaulting horse .

So , get ’s celebrate the unfiltered exemption of this cherished tocopherol - Commerce Department land site : here are the defective thing you’re able to corrupt on Amazon . ( Someone should really grease one’s palms that drum of lube , by the way . )

15. Custom Nicolas Cage pillowcase

Price:$6.65To start , here ’s a pillowcase with a shirtless Nicolas Cage on it . The verbal description reads : " The pillowcase can make you have well-off feelings , " leading us to believe it was written by Nicolas Cage himself . Each one is just over 2 ft long … which seems a little big for a Nic Cage pillowcase , right ? Either path , we trust you long over this matter just as hard as Mr. Cage yearned over the Declaration of Independence in that movie he was in – which one was it ? Ah yes , Face / Off .

14. Dank Memes

Price:$19.42I’ll admit it ; I passed by this item without giving it a second looking . Then , after second of contemplating , I came back . No matter what I did , I could n’t seem to get the phrasal idiom " Dank Memes " out my head . There ’s just something so perverse and see red about a shirt that has " Dank Memes " print on it . AND IT come in IN SO MANY COLORS .

13. VAPRWEAR hoodie

12. Black mini clip MP3 player

Price:$4.45Apple can be a little insufferable sometimes – I intend , these are the bozo who can release a slimly smaller adaptation of an old phone and call it " blow - away . " Still , why would anyone in their correct mind trust a non - Apple MP3 player ? particularly an MP3 player that ’s under $ 5 and count like it was assembled by kindergarteners ? You ’d better pick out your preferent strain and ensure it ’s short , because this matter is going to last exactly one minute before it bursts into fire .

11. Sure Fuck cologne

Price:$24.75Oh , neat ! female person - attracting cologne water that comes with gratis condoms ? Dynamite ! This is the stuff Guy Fieri spraying all over his sweaty chest before he has a cool night out with Chad Kroeger at Red Lobster . Still altogether worth it for thosecheddar biscuits , though .

10. Guy Fieri coffee

Price:$23.35Speaking of the greased - up , bleach - blonde Sultan of Sauce , did you know that Guy Fieri has his own brand of Keurig coffee ? With sapidity like cinnamon axial rotation , raging fudge brownie , and chocolate mint , you may eventually check coffee off the list of " ThingsGuy FieriHas Ruined for Everyone . " Also on that list : shades , Tommy Bahama shirt , whitener , and the word " money . "

9. JNCO jeans

Price:$79.99Oh my crap , there are so many different change and vividness ! If you put your ear up to your computing machine and mind closely , you could in reality hear a million Juggalos survive " whoop whoop ! " at the same clock time .

8. Max Ejact

Price:$35What ’s the heavy nut you ’ve ever busted , bro ! ? Have you ever shoot a nut so large , so thick , and so copious , that anyone catch in the crossfire drowned in the effervescent , sludgy pool of people potion ? No ? Well , boy do we have a Cartesian product for you ! Max Ejact semen volumizer – for those human beings out there who need to coat their sleeping accommodation in baby batter , this stuff and nonsense apparently increase your ejaculate bulk by a whopping 500 % . Be warn , though : the brushup say there are only half as many pill in the bottleful as advertised . That does n’t really bode well …

7. Steampunk top hat

Price:$19.99Move overDonald Trump hat , there a new hat in town and he ’s quick to rock and roll with a capital " O " as in " holy fucking shit , I ca n’t think the great unwashed have buy this before . " Not to blindly judge hoi polloi or dole out harsh blanket statements , but the whole steampunk scene is filled with eldritch nerds . The top hat give way out of fashion 100 age ago and " chains and buckles " should n’t be fag anywhere above the cervix . So , ask yourself : do three wrong make a right ?

6. Cell phone shoulder holster

Price:$29.75Just a quick heads - up , bribe this thing and wear it will make you the uncool somebody in – not only the world – but in the story of the world since civilization was formed .

5. Spankrags

Price:$17.99Oh mankind , this is desolate . Masturbatory tissue paper with * sigh * scene of women ’s face publish on them . This is … yeah , this is dim .

4. The personal fondue mug

Price:$14.99Don’t remember , for a second , that we detest fondu . Gooey , melty cheeseis delicious . Fondu can be a delicious political party collation for a group of your closest friends – the keyword here , though , is " mathematical group . " fondu for one is fantastically unsettling – like flying a kite at night or using a ramification to eat sushi . There are just some thing out there not made for personal use and fondue is one of them .

3. Electronic organizer PDA with 3MB memory

Price:$20.21Yep , that ’s veracious ! Three megabytes ! You know how many songs are bigger than three megabytes ? ALL OF THEM . Since the PDA is a precursor to the precursor to the iPhone ’s predecessor , we do n’t know why this thing is going for the totally fair cost of $ 20.21 . Such a reasonable damage !

2. Bill Cosby shirt

Price:$49We’re just gon na leave this … right … here . Yikes .

1. Radio sunglasses

Price:$34.85What in the sheer depths of hell are we look at here ? Battery - powered , Bluetooth sunglasses that play MP3s and FM radio . OK , maybe there ’s a grounds that someone would need a pair of these . Like … you were bear without finger peak and discover it unbelievably hard to use touchscreen machine . And perchance you have a vitamin 500 insufficiency and sore eyes and can only mind to music outside under the sun if you ’re weary eye protection ? This is dark .

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Jeremy Glassis a author for Thrillist and ca n’t hold off to see how the Max Ejact works .

Amazon box with embarrassing item