I ’m often the worst somebody at the bar : I ’m only referred to as " sir , " when it ’s immediately followed by " you ’re hold a tantrum . " There ’s a period bar in Old San Antonio with my Polaroid on the wall that reads : " want : Preferably bushed . " My mummy gave birth to me in Chili ’s Grill & Bar and now we both have lifespan bans – and it ’s a damn ignominy because I reallylike half - price apps .
That ’s why you should mind to me . And commend , we all suck sometimes , but what ’s important , is making sure at least one person around you suck more or less more . These rule – nay , guidelines –should serve you do just that . impress them out and staple them to your wingman / woman ’s back . Or just endeavor to remember them ; whatever ’s easy for you .
Wave your bills at the bartender
It ’s like brandish little presidential flashcard that read : " Hey ! I ’m a dick ! "
Not tip your bartender well
Like professional elephantmohels , bartenders rely on big bakshish to make a aliveness . evidently , the size of the steer fluctuates to accommodate variables – like how complicated the potable are , how busy the bar is , how sexy the bartender search , and how much money you do n’t have – but even if you ordinate a simple dry pint of Midori on the rocks , at least flatten $ 2 . Preferably in a $ 2 bill , because they are just neat .
Puke
I have a Quaker , I do n’t want to blow up his smear , so let ’s call him " Rob Alexson . " I ascertain him switch up on a chairwoman in a bar once . It was unquestionably uncool . At least make it to the bathroom and endeavor to up your chucks in a civil manner .
Reach over the bar to steal drinks
This is the one and only metre a reach - around isnotcourteous .
Hose the bathroom down
Even if you are a man in the shittiest dive barbathroomin the world , just remember : someone ’s sweet little grandma may come in later and want to tinkle . I recognise mine probably would . purport to please , as they say .
Stay in the bathroom for longer than four minutes
The prevention toilet is a vessel for many ( play and/or necessary ) thing that often ca n’t be done in the light of even the dark , raunchy barroom . Whatever you need to do can be done in four minutes tops . Trust me . I ’ve done it . And by " it , " I mean everything . And by " everything , " I meannothing , obviously .
Weep
Why ca n’t you just keep your emotions locked inside until they physically transpose into drain heart disease and/or crippling clinical depression … like a genuine man ?
Change the channel to something only you would like
No one is seek to watchFamily Feudand spirit at Steve Harvey ’s shining , mustached , name - flubbing principal on a Saturday dark , Quaker .
Smuggle in outside food
I have to admit , I do this all the metre . But again , I ’m kind of a jerk . I alwayshave pizza in my pocketfor some grounds . But if the formation offers up its own snacks , it probably wo n’t take too kindly to you fetch in yours .
Bring in outside liquor
This is on-key : I convey a swig of whisky from a bottle smuggle in by some girl inside my preferred college bar the week of my graduation . I was ban until AFTER the ceremony and it was annihilating . But we forget the tomahawk and the barput me in its Facebook cover exposure . It ’s also authoritative to note that this is illegal as fuck , in most shell .
Take your shirt off
If you are a girl , this is a picayune less frowned upon . I ’m not trying to be sexist , but the female physical structure is just broadly speaking more pleasant than its Y chromosome - packing counterpart . It ’s why Degas did n’t paint a bunch of dudes pirouetting .
Ask the bartender to water your drink down
This is the alcohol equivalent of break down to seeLegends of the Fallin house , and asking the projectionist to cut the moving-picture show powerful at the beginning of the third enactment , which is obviously the best act . Get your money ’s worth , brother .
Deny yourself a “girly” drink
What form of heteronormative , machismo maniac would deny himself the opportunity to sip a delicious appletini if he so chooses ? There ’s no such thing as achick toast . And even if there was , this is America , dammit . We do what we need .
Post up at a busy bar after you ordered
" Yeah , this extremely crowded streak rejoinder is the staring spot to stand and nonchalantly sip my appletini ! I also love sitting criss - cross applesauce in the heart of metro train during rush hour . "
Stand in front of the taps and ask the bartender what they have on tap
It ’s like that friend that always asks you what time it is even though he has an iPhone , a lookout , and is also wearinga comically oversized clock as a necklace .
Fall asleep
This is the universe severalise you that you are either way of life too young , or way too onetime , to be out this late .
Make out for more than two minutes at a time
Get a room . Or least a sizable dumpster to scrunch up behind . Or a gloomy alleyway . Or put a coat over your heads . I do n’t know .
Get an erection
Again , at least go detect a dumpster , skittle alley , or coat . Or a bathroom . For four instant .
Order fancy cocktails at a dive bar
If the baryou walk into has sawdust on the trading floor , a special on PBR pitchers , andRob Alexsonpuking on chairs , it ’s not the place to place a bougie - arsenic cocktail . Your barman will have to look it up . It will probably be gross as hell , and it ’s potential they have n’t used that bottle of Chartreuse since the Reagan administration . AsLiam Neeson said inBatman Begins(and probably some other movies , too ) , " Always bear in mind your surroundings . "
Hit on girls/guys that are clearly there with someone
Unless you are somewhat sure you are more interesting / plentiful / attractive then the person they are currently with . In that guinea pig , carry on .
Play shitty songs
" Sweet Caroline " is so bad , so unfit , so bad .
Talk on the phone for more than like, 30 seconds
This was only really nerveless in the ' LXXX , when Whitney Houston rule the chart , everybody slicked their whisker back , and cellular phones ( also called car phones ) were the size of watermelons and a total status symbolisation . Now , my 12 - year - old niece has a dainty iPhone than I do and you may just text people , ya dummy .
Be an annoyingly overzealous sports fan
I can see the veins in your neck , and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers should never weigh enough in your life to cause your veins to pop out . Also , your team ca n’t get wind you .
Break a glass and don’t clean it up
There ( potentially ) will be parentage .
Bleed
Even if someone else ’s broken glass cuts through your flippy - flops , you should still probably hit yourself from the situation .
Get into fights
For some guys ( and girls ! ) belong to a measure and getting into fistfight is as normal as going to the carnival and smell elephant – which is to say , it will definitely happen . Americans have a lot of pent - up angriness . It ’s why every video recording secret plan is about slaying . So , there are always exceptions to the convention – like when someone questions your better half ’s honor , or whenRob Alexsondefiles your chairwoman with his vom – but for the most part , endeavor to act like youaren’tthe coolest kid in quaternary grade .
Try to force conversations about politics and/or religion
You sleep with what would really make America great again ? If you did n’t habituate your Intro to Poli - Sci class from eight long time ago as a license to believe you are an expert in anything .
Buy someone a drink and expect them to be interested in you
Also , I do n’t bed about you , but I wouldmuch favor an order of tater yearling .
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